Just for the Ladies

[Inlove_tx 0]

And finally the most important tip -

The Good Housekeeping Way #9

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way

Leftover wine?????

...Sounds like hubby, more than me...

[Marilyn. 340]

why its better to be a woman ...

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming,

or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'short woman's complex'

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,

and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous

- they look like complete d!cks in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts......and pool.....and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies

wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers.....

men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand

the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing).

But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

And finally... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

[Marilyn. 340]

WARNING R-RATED!!!

Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

A: Because they are plugged into a genius

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?

A: They don't have enough time

Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

A: They don't stop for directions

Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Q: WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?

A: They're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them

Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

A: Because their balls fall over their azzholes and they vapor lock

Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

A: Nobody knows, since it has never happened

Q: ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.

A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

[Marilyn. 340]

While watching the Daytona 500 a few weeks back, my wife and I were

discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to

live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a

bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my bourbon.

Some days I just hate being married to a smartie......

[munchkins 0]

Well ,yesterday I was down in the dumps and today up pops this older thread, and would you believe it has just taken me ages to read all the jokes since I first posted one

Marilyn you are a case, do not know where you find them all from

[Marilyn. 340]

BEWARE A WOMAN SCORNED (bit of a long read but oh so funny )

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere!

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

[Jasman0717 9]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

[Indo_mommy 0]

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Won't work for me, my husband loves instruction manuals

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

rules men wished woman knew ...

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat ####### in a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Anyone can buy condoms.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.

10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not a sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a #### and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?

21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.

23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

40. Do not question our sense of direction.

Edited May 9, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

MAMMOGRAMS

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no

need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the

exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally

prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door

and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door

shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds

(while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement

floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the

floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to

slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.

Turn over and repeat for the other breast

Exercise 3

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite

A stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your

breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment

with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS!

Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there MENtal illness,

MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MEN opause.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

And when we Have real problems, it's called a HIS terectomy!

Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day!...

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

[iceyspots 0]

[aussiewench 9]

Found this cake topper and it gave me a chuckle lol