Just for the Ladies

[aussiewench 9]

[Marilyn. 340]

[irishgirl73 0]

A man tells this story...

>

> After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for

> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

> left

> my

> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to

> have

> left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

> The woman says,"Unbutton your shirt."

>

> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

> She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

> me," and she processed my Social Security application.

> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

> the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your

> pants,

> you might have gotten disability too."

bad I know

[aussiewench 9]

[munchkins 0]

No it's not

[aussiewench 9]

A man tells this story...

>

> After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for

> Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

> license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

> left

> my

> wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to

> have

> left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

> The woman says,"Unbutton your shirt."

>

> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

> She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

> me," and she processed my Social Security application.

> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

> the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your

> pants,

> you might have gotten disability too."

bad I know

I like that

[Peter Miami 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish #######, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

[Marilyn. 340]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Sean the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?", said Sean, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Sean, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!!"

****************************************************************

Advice to Women

If you want someone who will bring you the paper

without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

... buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of

himself simply over the joy of seeing you

... buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front

of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

... buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,

for as long and wherever you want

... buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon

which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors

... buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't

give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

... buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your

bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

... buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,

doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,

with tits or without, who acts as if every word you say is especially

worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

... buy a dog.

But on the other hand .....

If you want someone who will never come when you call,

ignores you totally when you come home,

leaves hair all over the place,

walks all over you,

runs around all night,

only comes home to eat and sleep,

and acts as if your entire existence,

is solely to ensure his happiness,

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

Buy a cat.

Edited February 24, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!...

Andy Rooney (from CBS 60 Minutes) says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

* A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

*If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

*A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

*Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think

they can get away with it.

*Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

*A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

*Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

* Women over 30 have more tricks up their sleeve in bed. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

* Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

[Marilyn. 340]

1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

12. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

13. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

14. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

15. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

[Marilyn. 340]

A wife and hubby are getting ready for bed. The wife standing in front of a full length mirror was taking a hard look at herself.

"You know Dear, I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, my arms are flabby." Then she turns to Hubby and says, "Tell me something positive about myself to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it, then says in a soft voice, "Well there is nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Hubby, sporting a lump on his head and a black eye, asks, "Who says honesty is the best policy."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

Never try to outsmart a woman

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?

The wife replies, "I did - they were in your tackle box."

Women will ALWAYS outsmart men ...

[Marilyn. 340]

Great Bumper Stickers and Random Thoughts for Women...

1. BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

2. OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

3. GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

4. A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

5. I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

6. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

7. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

8. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

9. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

10. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY..I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

11. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

12. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

13. I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

14. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

15. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

16. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN