Just for the Ladies

[almaty 19]

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

1 : Here honey, you use the remote. (this is so true, my hubby always has to have the remote when we are watching Tv )

2 : You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3 : Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

4 : While I'm up, can I get you anything?

5 : Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

6 : Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

7 : Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

8 :Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

9 : We never talk anymore

[Marilyn. 340]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE", THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE", SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM, HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SOOOOOO!!

:

Edited February 17, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Rules of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, So eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

8. If I eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate, is this considered a balanced diet?

9. Money talks. Chocolate sings!

10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Now that you know the rules; Enjoy as much chocolate as you want....

[almaty 19]

i like the one about the dude and his grumpy attitude.

[Marilyn. 340]

Why Chocolate IS Better Than Sex ...

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

9. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

12. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14. Good chocolate is easy to find.

15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[Marilyn. 340]

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his

devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and

determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little

about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other

a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when

no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,

figuring it would be safer to have him around the

house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours

every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,

the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very

well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired

hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch

looks great. You should go into town and kick up your

heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went int o

town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however,

and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the

fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She

quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off " she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my

boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take

off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He

slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in

the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with

trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it

to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By

the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and

off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my

clothes into town again, you're fired.

[almaty 19]

[Marilyn. 340]

Ways To Know If You Have PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

Those poor men, that have to put up with us

[almaty 19]

Ways To Know If You Have PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

Those poor men, that have to put up with us

[Marilyn. 340]

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[Marilyn. 340]

Why We Love Our Men....

1) They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

2) They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

3) They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.

4) They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

5) Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

6) Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

7) Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

8) Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

9) The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward, of their inner Little Leaguer.

10) How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

11) What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

12) They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

13) They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

14) They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

15) Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.

16) Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

17) They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

18) They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

19) How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.

20) How nice their butts look in jeans.

21) How nice their hands look holding ours.

22) Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out

23) Their ignorance is usually amusing

24) They have a great sense of competition

25) They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added)

26) Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring

27) They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to

28) They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be

29) They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

[almaty 19]

ouch!

[Marilyn. 340]

[Yasi 0]

Thanks...