Just for the Ladies

[arwensun1965 1]

they were funny :)

[Marilyn. 340]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his

wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in

8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please

allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The

next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school ! clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,

Drove them to school, came home and picked up

the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries

Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds,

do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,

Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for

salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,folded

laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,

he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,

Lord

I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to

envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied,

"My son, I feel you have learned

your lesson and I will be happy to change

things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year.

[munchkins 0]

Jaylen we "must " have the same friends

Sorry for those who were annoyed it was on again , just ignore it!!

Marilyn, loved that last one, set me up for the weekend that, will now go out for a few beers with my hubby and tell everyone aas much as I can remember from these jokes, should put a smile on everyones face

[Marilyn. 340]

Menopause Jewellery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood

ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

[Marilyn. 340]

Why yelling at a man never works!:

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean it up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor!

And you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

[Marilyn. 340]

Whats THAT?

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the bottle of champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he said.

"You mean Polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed".

"As a child, I also had kneasles." he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox."

Edited February 15, 2006 by MarilynP

[irishgirl73 0]

here's one for the girls:

W.I.C.O.E. (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the

> opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

>

> OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

>

> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will

> accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and

> topics covered in this course include:

>

>

>

> DAY ONE

>

> SEMINAR TITLE

> DESCRIPTION

>

> HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

> Step by step guide with slide presentation

>

> TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

> Roundtable discussion

>

> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

> Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

>

> DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY

> THEMSELVES?

> Debate among a panel of experts.

>

> REMOTE CONTROL

> Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

>

> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

> Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house

> upside down while screaming - Open forum

>

>

>

>

> DAY TWO

>

> SEMINAR TITLE

> DESCRIPTION

>

> EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

> Group discussion and role play

>

> HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

> PowerPoint presentation

>

> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

> Real life testimonial from the one man who did

>

> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

> Driving simulation

>

> LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

>

> Online class and role playing

>

> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

>

> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

> Bring your calendar or PDA to class

>

> GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

> Individual counselors available

>

>

[almaty 19]

[irishgirl73 0]

not meant to dis all the men out there-but some of these are funny

[Marilyn. 340]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man..

[irishgirl73 0]

that is great

[almaty 19]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man..

that is just wrong but funny

[Marilyn. 340]

Top 13 Things PMS Stands For:

13. Psychotic Mood Shift

12. Pack My Stuff

11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

10. Perpetual Munching Spree

9. Puffy Mid-Section

8. People Make Me Sick

7. Provide Me with Sweets

6. Pardon My Sobbing

5. Pimples May Surface

4. Pass My Sweatpants

3. Pissy Mood Syndrome

2. Plainly Men Suck

1. Pass My Shotgun

[almaty 19]

Top 13 Things PMS Stands For:

13. Psychotic Mood Shift

12. Pack My Stuff

11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

10. Perpetual Munching Spree

9. Puffy Mid-Section

8. People Make Me Sick

7. Provide Me with Sweets

6. Pardon My Sobbing

5. Pimples May Surface

4. Pass My Sweatpants

3. Pissy Mood Syndrome

2. Plainly Men Suck

1. Pass My Shotgun

[Marilyn. 340]

Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

1 : Here honey, you use the remote. (this is so true, my hubby always has to have the remote when we are watching Tv )

2 : You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3 : Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

4 : While I'm up, can I get you anything?

5 : Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

6 : Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

7 : Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

8 :Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

9 : We never talk anymore