Just for the Ladies

[Marilyn. 340]

Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your ####### any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[Marilyn. 340]

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

[irishgirl73 0]

just got this one-thought I would share

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes............................ .........No

Ø No............................. ........Yes

Ø Maybe........................ ..... ....No

Ø We need....................... ........I want

Ø I am sorry.................... .........You'll be sorry

Ø We need to talk......................You're in trouble

Ø Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

Ø Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

Ø I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

Ø You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...........................I am hungry

Ø I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

Ø I am tired..............................I am tired

Ø Nice dress............................Nice cleavage!

Ø I love you..............................Let's have sex now

Ø I am bored............................Do you want to have sex?

Ø May I have this dance?............. .....I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I call you sometime?..... .........I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Do you want to go to a movie?... ...I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I take you out to dinner?.... ....I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

[Marilyn. 340]

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

[Marilyn. 340]

New Seminars for Women

1. The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

2. Life Beyond Shoes

3. Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

4. How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

5. Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

6. How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

7. How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

8. Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

9. How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

10. Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

11. Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

12. Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

13. Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse

14. Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

15. How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

16. Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

17. Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

18. How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

19. Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions

20. Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

21. When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

22. How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

23. Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

[Marilyn. 340]

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.

2. Free dinners.

3. Free movies.

4. Speeding ticket? What's that?

5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

8. You can sleep your way to the top.

9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

12. Brad Pitt.

13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

17. You have the ability to dress yourself.

18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

23. You've never had a goatee.

24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.

25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

Reasons computers must be male......

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. A better model is always just around the corner.

3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

7. The lights are on but nobody's home.

[Marilyn. 340]

Women Training Courses

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[almaty 19]

lol

[Dan J 277]

Brother Dean, this is ladies room !...what are you doing here.

[Nikki71 0]

just got this one-thought I would share

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes............................ .........No

Ø No............................. ........Yes

Ø Maybe........................ ..... ....No

Ø We need....................... ........I want

Ø I am sorry.................... .........You'll be sorry

Ø We need to talk......................You're in trouble

Ø Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

Ø Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

Ø I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

Ø You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...........................I am hungry

Ø I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

Ø I am tired..............................I am tired

Ø Nice dress............................Nice cleavage!

Ø I love you..............................Let's have sex now

Ø I am bored............................Do you want to have sex?

Ø May I have this dance?............. .....I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I call you sometime?..... .........I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Do you want to go to a movie?... ...I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I take you out to dinner?.... ....I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

LOL so funny

[Marilyn. 340]

Advice From Men To Women

...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

...Please don't drive when you're not driving.

...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

[Marilyn. 340]

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.

I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.

I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.

I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.

Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?

What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.

I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

[Marilyn. 340]