Just for the Ladies

[munchkins 0]

Just a few jokes for you to enjoy if you have the Monday morning blues !!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

“It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart all night.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour.

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of

them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[CarolineM 0]

Tee hee....I love the last one

[Jaylen Brit 0]

lol I guess we have the same friends Check here from yesterday http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=329

[Sharon 1]

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

That there is good....VERRRRY good!

[Aymerlu 3]

[Tiksman 0]

Ok once was funny but 2 times

[sntoria 0]

[smoochies 0]

:lol:

[almaty 19]

[gabby4ever 1]

great post

[caviar22 1]

Still always funny!

[daisy16 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

_______________________________________________________________________________

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfrie d is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boil ng hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's a! rm gentl y and wh spered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him a d asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my offee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Edited January 31, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

[almaty 19]