Should I give up or fight for him?

[Lisa and Ian 7]

I would confront him about the girl, definitely, and see how it goes. You might be more easily able to decide once you talk about it.

[Saylin 1,605]

From a man perspective. There must be a reason. I would not change my damn mind if I don't have a reason. I would not lose a war without a fight.

1- Look like you are almost 100% sure the online girl is the problem. If you are sure she is the reason.Personally,I would tell him I go to Canada, but in fact I will find a way to see if they are really together. Do not confront him, just find out only.

2- It's like visa denial. you have to know the reason to file another petition.Start with soft voice,ask him how is his weekend? Where/what was he doing? (he tells you....etc). The the important part(this part would rock my world if my wife ever say so to me), tell him how hard for you to move from Canada to U.S. just to be with him. without expecting anything from him beside HIS LOVE.

3- You take from there, and I hope you know his hot button. I repeat again, you won't leave him without him giving you a reason for you to walk a way ( I have no more feeling for you "is not a reason").

The thing is, he only started "liking" this girl like two months ago. So it's not the reason for him on why he lost feelings for me in the first place. He says it's probably because he wasn't ready for me to come here and be living with someone else, and that we had rushed into everything too fast.

And if I don't bring up this girl at all, then I'm sure I can find out through his Facebook messages if he saw her while I was in Canada. But I'd like to fix this before I leave on June 1...

Saylin, I can not offer much in the ways of advice. I can only tell you that during the relatively short period of time I have been on this message board, you have really stood out as being a smart, caring, helpful wonderful person. There are few things that are as unjust as when bad things happen to good people. And whatever happens, whichever path you chose is best for you, remember that you are a good person. As far as I can tell you are a wonderful person and in my honest opinion you have done nothing wrong and you definitely do not deserve this. No one deserves to have something like this happen to them, but especially not someone like you. You deserve someone who are as loving and loyal to you as you are yourself. Take some time and figure out what you want to do, and stand up for yourself, your beliefs and do what's right by you. I sincerely hope that everything works out for you, that you get whatever it is your heart desires.

Began to cry as I read your response. Thank you so much for your very kind words I don't think I deserve this either....

You deserve more and will. My big brother said to me loose a wife get a better wife. You know it was true (8 yrs later), sorry you have to go through this.

Interesting saying. I'll have to keep this in mind if things go badly... Thank you.

I would confront him about the girl, definitely, and see how it goes. You might be more easily able to decide once you talk about it.

That's what I'm thinking... I'll just leave out the bit about me snooping around and just mention the comment I saw while I was over his shoulder that night. Maybe then he'll admit he likes her as he denied liking anyone when we talked the next day...

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Short answer: Give up.

Long answer: Your Husband has checked out of the relationship. It take two people to be in a relationship and fight for each other. I would move on. Personally I did not like your move to invade his privacy, but it is what it is, this things happen.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Unfortunately I subscribe to the view that "once a cheater always a cheater". Sometimes a guy will be faithful to one girl but once he's been unfaithful to that girl I believe he will continue to be... and now you know he's been cheating on you, for quite some time, and she knows about you. This is where I get angry. They have been carrying on this secret relationship and basically laughing at you. Your feelings are completely irrelevant to both of them. This is rude and disrespectful. Even if he's not IN love with you, this behaviour doesn't look like he likes you either, or values you as a friend. Losing the feeling of love is one thing - he's lost ANY feelings of respect or loyalty for you. He sounds like an awful person honestly.

I don't agree with the "I didn't realise what I had until I was at risk of losing you" excuse either. So many cheaters use this excuse and I would call bull if he tries it on you.

He's going to get REALLY pissy that you "invaded his privacy" by hacking his FB and looking at his phone messages. He's probably going to get angry that he's been caught out and try and turn that anger on you to make YOU feel like this is your fault. True it's an invasion to check his facebook but he wasn't being honest with you and it was the only way for you to find out the truth.

You know, angry again, he was flirting with someone, having sexual conversations with someone, with you SITTING BEHIND HIM! This is so offensive. So rude.

Also, being married, and I'm sorry to get personal here, most couples use alternate birth control methods to condoms, so my concern is for you health wise whether you should get tested. He's putting your health (and hers) at risk. Not that the other girl is someone I feel sorry for given she knows about you and is cheating with your husband, but she should be warned regardless.

Yeah, a big part of this devastating news is that I gave up my life in Canada (my family, my schooling, etc) and moved here all for him. And now this.. I'd have no where to stay if we separated, I'd have no way to get to school or work as he's been driving me around and there's no public transportation here. But I don't want to think about that unless it comes to it.

I know counselling would only work if he's willing, but it doesn't seem like he is, probably because he likes this girl, although he has yet to admit it to me...

I understand you're hurt, you're scared. I know immigration wise you're covered but living wise not so much. My personal suggestion is to file for divorce based on adultery (if possible), return to Canada to live with family/friends (but retaining your GC and maintaining residency) to save money and then when you have enough saved, return to the US OR when you file for divorce (and I suggest you be the petitioner) put the vehicle in the divorce settlement. He has somewhere to live, you could find somewhere to live and be able to support yourself if you had a vehicle so it's small price for him to pay really.

One thing I've noticed though is you keep saying you don't want this girl to "get him". She already has "got him", you are the live-in sex toy. He's already said he doesn't love you. You've noted that you only have sex when he feels hormonal and there's no romance to it. He's using you and you're allowing him to. You asked if you should "fight for him". Sure if you like but know that you will continually be fighting for him. You're already wondering what you did or didn't do that made him not love you anymore. This isn't about you. It's about him and his selfish needs. If you weren't married (which is how he's acting) what would you be doing? I'm not sure there's anything you could do to "win him back" and I don't think you should lower yourself to that. Someone else posted previously that he should be fighting for you and he should, it should be team effort, both sides trying to make it work. He's not trying to make it work, he's "checked out" of the relationship. This isn't about her "winning" him or "getting" him, she's not relevant. This is about him already deciding the relationship is over and waiting for you to realise it is as well.

The difference between you filing for divorce and waiting for him to do it (which I believe he will eventually) is self-respect. You do not deserve to be cheated on, or to be living like this. It is going to suck but I think you should file for divorce before you leave for Canada in June. Once you leave the house he's likely to change the locks or something anyway, or file for divorce while you're gone. Of course this is your life and it's a lot easier to type these things about someone elses relationship then do it yourself but please know, NOTHING you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. This is just who he is. I doubt you could "change him" into not being a cheater so I personally would give up. While you will be unhappy for a while, eventually you will be happy again, and hopefully it will stop your self-esteem from plummeting much more.

I hope it works out okay. Best of luck.

[Saylin 1,605]

Short answer: Give up.

Long answer: Your Husband has checked out of the relationship. It take two people to be in a relationship and fight for each other. I would move on. Personally I did not like your move to invade his privacy, but it is what it is, this things happen.

Trust me, I wasn't fond of logging into his Facebook account. I hated doing it... but I needed to know what was going on as he hasn't told me about it.

[SunnySanDiego 17]

I was really saddened by this when I saw your post, you deserve better. If he doesn't love you then he probably isn't willing to try to make it work between you. Ask him if he even wants to try and work it out, if he says no then I would let him go because you can't do it alone. No sense wasting your time on something that won't work when you could be getting over him and on with your life.

[Army wife 9]

Your visajourney family is all here, rooting for you.

Hope the talk goes well... DON'T breakdown in front of him...

I know it'll be hard... but I don't want him to kick you more when you are already down.

LOTS of hugssssssssss

Trust me, I wasn't fond of logging into his Facebook account. I hated doing it... but I needed to know what was going on as he hasn't told me about it.

Oh plueseee (please)!

Don't make any excuses to us for hacking in!

I think that a spouse has a right to be nosey when his/her emotional well-being and health are at stake!

You just HAD to know!

Edited May 8, 2012 by Army wife

[Saylin 1,605]

Thanks for this response. I needed it. I'll quote you bit by bit to make it easier to understand.

Unfortunately I subscribe to the view that "once a cheater always a cheater". Sometimes a guy will be faithful to one girl but once he's been unfaithful to that girl I believe he will continue to be... and now you know he's been cheating on you, for quite some time, and she knows about you. This is where I get angry. They have been carrying on this secret relationship and basically laughing at you. Your feelings are completely irrelevant to both of them. This is rude and disrespectful. Even if he's not IN love with you, this behaviour doesn't look like he likes you either, or values you as a friend. Losing the feeling of love is one thing - he's lost ANY feelings of respect or loyalty for you. He sounds like an awful person honestly.

The sad thing is, I have this girl on my own Facebook. And she's in our guild on World of Warcraft. So it's not like she's a complete stranger. I haven't met her in person, but I do know her. Which maybe makes this worse.

And it hasn't been a long time. It's only been about 2 months in which this has been going on.

And I don't want to sound like a "victim" or anything, but he's not an awful person all around. Just in this particular love area. He's a great son, a great worker, a great friend. Just not a good partner.... I've read horror stories of how awful a person can get, and it's not him. He's just got a problem when it comes to love and marriage.

I don't agree with the "I didn't realise what I had until I was at risk of losing you" excuse either. So many cheaters use this excuse and I would call bull if he tries it on you.

He's going to get REALLY pissy that you "invaded his privacy" by hacking his FB and looking at his phone messages. He's probably going to get angry that he's been caught out and try and turn that anger on you to make YOU feel like this is your fault. True it's an invasion to check his facebook but he wasn't being honest with you and it was the only way for you to find out the truth.

You know, angry again, he was flirting with someone, having sexual conversations with someone, with you SITTING BEHIND HIM! This is so offensive. So rude.

I don't think I'm gonna mention about invading his FB yet. Not unless he completely denies what's going on if/when I bring up the comment I saw over his shoulder.

And yeah, it definitely hurts that he's been talking like this to this girl, literally, right behind my back.

Also, being married, and I'm sorry to get personal here, most couples use alternate birth control methods to condoms, so my concern is for you health wise whether you should get tested. He's putting your health (and hers) at risk. Not that the other girl is someone I feel sorry for given she knows about you and is cheating with your husband, but she should be warned regardless.

Not personal. I'm on birth control and that's the only form we use. No condoms.

As far as I know, they haven't done anything yet. They've just visited other. Personally, I don't think he would do anything like sex until the marriage is officially over (aka divorce). There was a specific comment about this in one of the messages.

Nonetheless, I might still get myself checked out. To be sure.

I understand you're hurt, you're scared. I know immigration wise you're covered but living wise not so much. My personal suggestion is to file for divorce based on adultery (if possible), return to Canada to live with family/friends (but retaining your GC and maintaining residency) to save money and then when you have enough saved, return to the US OR when you file for divorce (and I suggest you be the petitioner) put the vehicle in the divorce settlement. He has somewhere to live, you could find somewhere to live and be able to support yourself if you had a vehicle so it's small price for him to pay really.

Well, I want to stay here in the US and finish my studies. I have one year left. I don't want to give up on schooling again. I already did that when I moved here for him.

But, I never thought about including a car in the settlement. And stuff like that. I've never gone through this, so I don't know how that stuff works. Let alone how the Affidavit of Support plays into this either...

One thing I've noticed though is you keep saying you don't want this girl to "get him". She already has "got him", you are the live-in sex toy. He's already said he doesn't love you. You've noted that you only have sex when he feels hormonal and there's no romance to it. He's using you and you're allowing him to. You asked if you should "fight for him". Sure if you like but know that you will continually be fighting for him. You're already wondering what you did or didn't do that made him not love you anymore. This isn't about you. It's about him and his selfish needs. If you weren't married (which is how he's acting) what would you be doing? I'm not sure there's anything you could do to "win him back" and I don't think you should lower yourself to that. Someone else posted previously that he should be fighting for you and he should, it should be team effort, both sides trying to make it work. He's not trying to make it work, he's "checked out" of the relationship. This isn't about her "winning" him or "getting" him, she's not relevant. This is about him already deciding the relationship is over and waiting for you to realise it is as well.

I'm starting to come to realise this...

The difference between you filing for divorce and waiting for him to do it (which I believe he will eventually) is self-respect. You do not deserve to be cheated on, or to be living like this. It is going to suck but I think you should file for divorce before you leave for Canada in June. Once you leave the house he's likely to change the locks or something anyway, or file for divorce while you're gone. Of course this is your life and it's a lot easier to type these things about someone elses relationship then do it yourself but please know, NOTHING you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. This is just who he is. I doubt you could "change him" into not being a cheater so I personally would give up. While you will be unhappy for a while, eventually you will be happy again, and hopefully it will stop your self-esteem from plummeting much more.

I hope it works out okay. Best of luck.

He wouldn't change the locks or anything like that (don't think he's allowed at an apartment anyways). I know him and he wouldn't do that. He'd make sure I got an apartment and looked out for me in that regards.

What I realised though, is if he's cheating now on me.. and if we do work this out... it might be in his nature and he just cheats on me again... I never thought about this...

[Saylin 1,605]

Your visajourney family is all here, rooting for you.

Hope the talk goes well... DON'T breakdown in front of him...

I know it'll be hard... but I don't want him to kick you more when you are already down.

LOTS of hugssssssssss

Oh plueseee (please)!

Don't make any excuses to us for hacking in!

I think that a spouse has a right to be nosey when his/her emotional well-being and health are at stake!

You just HAD to know!

Thanks. He should be home in the next 10 minutes or so. I'm beyond nervous and have no idea what I'm gonna say. Please wish me luck...

I still don't know what I want

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Began to cry as I read your response. Thank you so much for your very kind words I don't think I deserve this either....

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Or, as we say it in Sweden, I will "hold my thumbs".

[Army wife 9]

Thanks. He should be home in the next 10 minutes or so. I'm beyond nervous and have no idea what I'm gonna say. Please wish me luck...

I still don't know what I want

Even better; i'd say a prayer for you...

[max+patricia 24]

Sorry to hear you're going through this I've been there in a very similar situation.

The one question that killed me most when I found out about everything - what would have happened if you hadn't seen that message or checked his FB? My answer was obvious - I would have been continually played like a fool. I'm glad I found out what was going on when I did, because looking back on it now, if I hadn't caught it then, I probably wouldn't know now.

I went back and forth alot with whether or not we could work things out and I know that's something you have to decide for yourself. My friends and family all had different opinions and in the end it was my call, of course. My only advice for you is to be honest with yourself. You're young, beautiful, intelligent - and you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you! I did too.

Good luck to you whatever you choose. You're strong, and the strong survive

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for this response. I needed it. I'll quote you bit by bit to make it easier to understand.

The sad thing is, I have this girl on my own Facebook. And she's in our guild on World of Warcraft. So it's not like she's a complete stranger. I haven't met her in person, but I do know her. Which maybe makes this worse.

And it hasn't been a long time. It's only been about 2 months in which this has been going on.

And I don't want to sound like a "victim" or anything, but he's not an awful person all around. Just in this particular love area. He's a great son, a great worker, a great friend. Just not a good partner.... I've read horror stories of how awful a person can get, and it's not him. He's just got a problem when it comes to love and marriage.

As a fellow WoW player this is something I worry about as well (and Tony mentioned he does as well seeing he works and goes to bed before me ). Tony once /flirted a fellow female guildie while I was in the living room (she started it) and I FLIPPED OUT! We met on WoW and that was where we spent time together and yes /flirt /love etc so I found it a huge betrayal. Esp because guildies know me, know we're married and all that. Feels like a bigger betrayal honestly...

Not personal. I'm on birth control and that's the only form we use. No condoms.

As far as I know, they haven't done anything yet. They've just visited other. Personally, I don't think he would do anything like sex until the marriage is officially over (aka divorce). There was a specific comment about this in one of the messages.

Nonetheless, I might still get myself checked out. To be sure.

Good that you're going to get checked. Unfortunately you never thought he'd cheat on you (emotionally or physically) so you can't really be sure anything you THOUGHT you know is actually true. That's one of the worst parts of finding something like this out - wondering what other lies there were. And if it WAS really innocent, why was he going to another town while you were at work (or was he just discussing doing that and never did?).

Well, I want to stay here in the US and finish my studies. I have one year left. I don't want to give up on schooling again. I already did that when I moved here for him.

But, I never thought about including a car in the settlement. And stuff like that. I've never gone through this, so I don't know how that stuff works. Let alone how the Affidavit of Support plays into this either...

Unfortunately the I-864 is an agreement between him and the government. Some spouses have successfully used it to get spousal support, many however have failed. It's just supposed to be him paying back the US government if you use any means tested benefits.

Regarding divorce, your lawyer will be able to tell you what you can and can't do. Like whether you're entitled to half the bank account balance and other such things.

He wouldn't change the locks or anything like that (don't think he's allowed at an apartment anyways). I know him and he wouldn't do that. He'd make sure I got an apartment and looked out for me in that regards.

What I realised though, is if he's cheating now on me.. and if we do work this out... it might be in his nature and he just cheats on me again... I never thought about this...

I hope he would look out for you but again, I don't think you thought he'd ever cheat on you so while you *hope* he'll act a certain way you can't really rely on it so it's better to assume he WON'T play nice and plan for that and then be happily surprised if he does. That way you're protected.

[Worried2012 1]

Thanks for your words I never thought we'd go through this as we loved each other so much. But for him, it might have just been an infatuation. And things unfolded once I got here because of that. I definitely don't want to be taken as a fool, but I don't entirely want to give up so this girl gets him...

In any relationship one must always put a certain gap... and that's where you're missing- "if I die will you die" from the movie -"Out of Africa" Pls get an advantage over him first before you divorced- like US citizenship etc.. don't be a loser...just an advice.

[Pitaya 2,577]

Saylin, I am so sorry to hear about your present circumstances. I wouldn't wish that type of hurt and pain on anyone. Reading your story, raised the hair on the back of my neck. I was in a frighteningly similar situation back in 2003. Some of the statements both of you made, made me cringe reminding me of my own then unraveling marriage. I can understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal. The trust between you two is gone, and likely unable to recover.

You are entitled to know what is going on, though you know that where there is smoke, there is fire. Consider confronting him about what he wants from the marriage. If he is unable or unwilling to work on your relationship (counseling), your choice is clear. You must move on for your own health. If that is the case, obtain as many agreements from him while things are still amiable. It is time for you to think about you, and your needs, for the present and the future.

Lastly, during this very difficult time, take care of yourself, do not be hard on yourself. Try to get proper nutrition, and get adequate rest. It will get better with time, time heals all wounds.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please feel free to PM me if you need an ear from someone who has been there and survived.