Should I give up or fight for him?

[Sugarz.K.R 9]

Well my dear Saylin...

First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about this and it breaks my heart to know that you have to go through this....

ooohhh, the things I want to say about him right now...

Everyone can only give you advice based on their life experiences. I as a strong Caribbean woman, would have put a 'certain thing' on lock-down a while back! (wink) lol

After having given up your life for this man, I can imagine the frustration you must be feeling... all of us may have been there at some point or the other.

The only thing I can tell you is listen to your heart... and NEVER let a man disrespect you like that!!! ALWAYS remember HOW MUCH you are worth! Think about what you would tell your daughter in that situation.

Talk to your family, if you can, and see how supportive they may be.... You never know.

It is either he wants to work it out, or he doesn't. That would include some counselling perhaps, and for that, you need a willing partner. I am a firm believer in that once a man wants a woman, he will fight for her. However, if a man can get what he wants from a woman, he will take it.

As my husband says; a man will only get away with what his woman allows him to do. You state your standards and what YOU want. He will respect you for it. Don't put off talking for long periods of time. It will only get worse.

AW

Amywife put this in a very good way. Take a day and cry out all your pain and then stand up strong and make him explain every thing that u want him too (becuase u deserve it), answer every question that u have. Dont let him walk all over you.

"Lock down" yeah we trini woman are a diffrent breed of woman.

[AmyWrites 593]

How convenient it is for him to still have a wife to have sex with and another girl as a Plan B!

Leave him. He doesn't care about you at all.

[Saylin 1,605]

Wow Saylin,

First off, let me say how truly sorry I am to hear such sad news. You have always been such a bright light for everyone here, and I don't think anyone (myself included) ever could have guessed this would happen to you.

If it were me, I would first try for councelling... There must have been something that made him fall in love with you in the beginning, or he wouldnt (or shouldn't) have proposed in the first place. Try to find that spark again.

If he's unwilling, and just seems to want to end things, I say do it. You don't want to spend the prime time of your youth on someone who isn't willing to do the same. I truly hope that he can see the err of his ways and understand what a mistake he's making. It seems to me that he is very immature in the world of marriage, and maybe some councelling will help him grow up a bit.

My thoughts are with you. Keep us posted!

And if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate.

Thank you for your kind words... I'm crying from just reading them...

Maybe counselling would help him like you said, just not sure it can help our marriage. But I think I'd rather try first then regret it later on, especially if it does help...

Hello saylin,

It has to go both ways...If your husband doesn't have feelings anymore and want to divorce you can't force him to save your marriage if he doesn't want to.

He should have been honest with you and tell you what was going on (with that girl and about his feelings) instead of letting you find out by yourself. You should have a talk together to settle everything before he cheats on you and hurts you... A good relationship is based on honesty, if you leave the country and get yourself sick because you think your husband is cheating on you is not good at all. You are young and have time to build your life..., if your husband is willing to divorce i don't think any marriage counseling will work.

You have to make the right decision and what is the best for you! Take Care

Yeah, I do agree he should have told me about his feelings for her when they first started... but we both have problems communicating with one another. And it looks like it's hurt us severely... He hasn't mentioned "divorce" yet through our talks, so I don't know what he wants at this point. All I know is he thinks his feelings are gone.

[Saylin 1,605]

I am sorry to hear this. I can give only prospective of a guy. I would give up because if feelings are lost it will only prolong the pain. You can try marriage counseling but usually it helps if you have problems of sexual nature or anger problems or constant arguments. It does not seem to be the case. I think it is a problem of rushing too fast into the relationship. It is true for ANY of the international couples since none of us had a chance to live together. In some cases couples are even stronger because they went through a lot while going through the visa process. In some cases you just don't have an opportunity to test your feelings, so chances of misfire are much higher. If there were problems that I mentioned it could work through counseling. In this case I do not believe so. I have my first marriage experience when I lived with my spouse for another 10 years after I realized that I did not have any more feelings. It does not get better but rather worse. Now, from ROC prospective I would definitely for through ROC. You got married in good faith and you have a full right for permanent green card. I would do that and then decide if you want to move to Canada or stay in US. This will give you more options.

The thing about living together is, we spent 3 months essentially living together while I was down on a visit before we filed for the visa. And he was completely okay with that, romantic and all. So, I don't really understand why it was such a big shock for him when I finally moved here last year. It's not like I don't help around the apartment or anything, I vacuum, do the dishes, the laundry, etc. I just don't get what happened to cause him to lose feelings for me. Which is probably another frustration..

And yeah, I know I can file for ROC with a divorce waiver as we did enter the marriage in good faith. And I'll probably stay in the US at least until I get citizenship so I have the option of living in the US again if I ever move back to Canada. But that's not my concern right now as I'm going to stay here and finish with schooling.

[meno-is-mine 37]

Oh hunnie my heart go out to you, this is something i fear will happen but we dont know till it does happen. Hold on as much as you can for what you beleive in you heart to be true but dont let anyone take you for a fool. Being in a long distance relationship is a big excitment, it's like withholding all you have till that final moment again. Some people finally get together and then realise they miss that excitment and think they dont have feelings. You followed your heart and you left all you know behind to face this just doesn't seem fair. The only advice i can give is to pray about it and ask God to help you and show you the way (im not a Godly person but i beleive).

Best of luck...

I have the same suspicions in the back of my head always. I think there's always that possibility that this can occur, but you have to be willing to try it out in hopes that you're proven wrong. If/when it does happen, you'd be better prepared. That's what I like to think, especially being the petitioner.

Thanks for your words I never thought we'd go through this as we loved each other so much. But for him, it might have just been an infatuation. And things unfolded once I got here because of that. I definitely don't want to be taken as a fool, but I don't entirely want to give up so this girl gets him...

What he did to you, he will eventually do to this other girl. Doubt that he'll change. He has no loyalties obviously. If he was a real man, he would've stated his feeling when he first felt them and tried to work them out. If he still felt the same way after trying to fix things, then he should've sat you down and told you so that you could've planned accordingly.

[Saylin 1,605]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like he has his mind made up. Doesn't seem like a lot you can do. You could try marriage counseling; However, if he does not agree with that, you may have to just give him what he wants and get a divorce.

Thanks.

He has yet to tell me what he wants to happen with us. He's not mentioned divorce or separation or anything.. but that's the obvious outcome I guess...

But if things go the way they have with you, he might just do the same to her... Don't make yourself hurt worse just to keep him away from this particular girl... If it's not her, it may just be another.

True.

I wish it was me he liked....

[Saylin 1,605]

Oh man, I'm reading this and I'm shocked and saddened that its happening to you. My first instinct was to find out what the problem was and if he wants to work things out, but it seems like you've tried that already and he's expressed no interest in repairing things. He's just lost interest for whatever reason (mostly from this online chick) and from what you described, has no interest in trying to get back to where you were. He's done you wrong by cheating (emotionally or otherwise). He sounds like he's made up his mind about not wanting to love you anymore so why hasn't he cut ties already? The empty sex you described shouldn't have gone on long (and perhaps thats why he hasn't cut off yet). He gets to fulfill his desires with no effort on his part.

It saddens me to say this but it sounds like its over. He doesn't want you the way you want him. If he wants to meet up with this chick and exchange inappropriate messages, he shouldn't do it with you still part of his life. Confront him and just be ready to deal with what comes next. You're a smart woman, don't let this man or any other take advantage of you like this. If he can't love you the way you need to be loved, then he's not worth it.

I'm so upset about this now. Its taken me almost 30 minutes to figure what I want to say. Best of luck Saylin. You deserve so much better than this.

The thing is, he's only started liking this girl like within the last 2 months or so. He began to lose feelings for me before any of this business with the girl. But I'm guessing him liking her is a reaction to losing feelings for me...

And thanks for your kind words. I wish he was the man I first met because I felt like the most special girl ever on the entire planet. But now... definitely not so much. But I just can't imagine leaving him... I haven't accepted the fact of what's happening... Especially with this girl in the mix.

I just don't know if I should confront him about this girl or not cause it might just make things worse... And I don't want to do that right now...

Amywife put this in a very good way. Take a day and cry out all your pain and then stand up strong and make him explain every thing that u want him too (becuase u deserve it), answer every question that u have. Dont let him walk all over you.

"Lock down" yeah we trini woman are a diffrent breed of woman.

I'm just really bad with face-to-face talks. I clam up and can't say anything as I'm scared too. You should have seen the conversation when I broke up with my boyfriend. We sat on the couch for like an hour or two with him trying to guess what was wrong with me. It's hard for me to open up and have a "deep" conversation. But I know it's really needed in our case....

[...]

What he did to you, he will eventually do to this other girl. Doubt that he'll change. He has no loyalties obviously. If he was a real man, he would've stated his feeling when he first felt them and tried to work them out. If he still felt the same way after trying to fix things, then he should've sat you down and told you so that you could've planned accordingly.

You know what the sad thing is? In his past relationships with girls, he's been cheated on a few times. When he met me, he was astounded I was so loyal to him (of course, I loved him and still do), and promised he would be just as loyal.... Guess he was wrong about that...

[Brex 5]

I know how you feel. I went through the same, if not worse, in my previous marriage. When I found out the truth it was heart shattering. Different than a heartbreak because my whole world shattered at that moment, because I was living a lie with this person who was living a disgusting life behind my back. The person whom supposedly you have placed/dedicated your entire life to.

So I confronted her. Demanded the truth. Gradually I learned everything because she refused to come clean. In the end, I got tired and told her it was best for her to leave. I did not want anything to do with her anymore. What she had done was enough to kill any emotion. After the divorce, apparently that life she left me fore, ended. So she wanted me back. But I had a lot of time to myself and I learned to appreciate a new me, make a new life, and I just could not imagine myself with her again. So I said no. And so she left.

I’m not saying you should leave him. I did the above because It was my personal decision and I am proud I did because I did it based on reasoning with myself. However, I will tell you, when you are married, you have all right to know every detail about your husband/wife. I’m not talking about being a dictator or anything but the husband / wife relationship is the ultimate expression of love and 2 become 1. You live and breathe for the person and never take any decisions without input from the other.

So for you, I recommend : In a calm tone, explain to him everything that you and him have talked about with reference to you relationship and remind him what he has told you about his feelings ( this will set grounds and highlight current state of the relationship ). Then you disclose what happened that day you saw the chat message ( calmly now because things have a bad way of getting carried away and he might feel like he’s against the wall because he know he has been doing something bad, and people don’t like to be caught and immediately go on the defensive ). If he interrupts, respectfully ask him to listen to you and that you have the right to bring this up as his wife, as the person he has promised to love and cherish until death. You decide if you want to tell him that you sleuthed around and found more stuff ( but this usually ends up with the “you were looking at my stuff?” accusation and might trump you conversation ). Then lay the question on him, “what does this mean?”, don’t jump to conclude that he is cheating ( even though it’s obvious ) but asking him if he is cheating might get him upset ( or might not but my experience showd me how defensive and ogre like they get ). Hopefully this should get the conversation moving.

In the end, I just wanted to get to the end. I didn’t want to continue living a lie. I had found out that there was a possibility and I know that I would hate myself for allowing me to be the “other” person. If he has already said his feelings have changed and you guys are no longer romantic. I’m sorry but’s it’s time to set things straight before he commits the unforgivable or you get hurt worse.

It’s hard to meet reality but it’s better to know, get out, and not waste any more time. Or maybe it might work to where he will realize his stupidity. It’s a 50/50 chance. You won’t know until you go to that point. Nobody she let themselves permit something like that, everyone has to the right to love and be loved in return. He is obviously not reciprocating those feelings.

I hope I was able to help. I was able to survive my past and in fact I am so much better off and now, I am happily married. My job sent me to Mexico where I met a beautiful girl who is now my wife. With her I learned what how a person that truly loves you is. Any time that I have to wait for her VISA to get done is nothing compared to the years we will enjoy of each other when we are finally together.

Here hoping everything works out for you. Keep strong, love, and move forward. Never look back unless it’s to learn from past mistakes.

[ldndee 0]

OMG... So sorry to read this!!! Follow your heart ...

[kate&javi 26]

This is truly a sad story. I feel very bad for you.

But, I think that you already know what you have to do. I know that it will be hard. I've had a couple of relationships in the past (not marriages but serious relationships) where I felt that I couldn't live without him, but the feelings HAVE to go both ways. And after I broke up with those guys, I felt sad and alone, and I felt that I could never love someone again. But now, I know that those feelings were only tricking me. And eventually you will find the ONE. You say that he is your soul mate, right? But I think if that is so, he will feel that you are his soul mate as well. I know that you love, and I know that you are hurting right now, but over time, that pain will fade. And YES, you WILL find your true soul mate. Any man (or woman) who feels the need to cheat on their loved one (gf/bf or spouse) should just be honest in the first place with everything.

I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through, but know that with time, everything is healed.

Be strong, believe in yourself, do the things that are right for YOU!

[JJ:( 0]

Honestly, my advise to you is to look after you first; I had to leave my ex-husband for my sanity and my happiness. we were living like friends, I came to dispise him daily and realised that it was eating away at my happiness.

People dont know what they have until they lose it (like my ex husband). I walked away and now I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

It maybe hard but the hardest of decisions are the ones with the giant rainbow at the end.

[Saylin 1,605]

I know how you feel. I went through the same, if not worse, in my previous marriage. When I found out the truth it was heart shattering. Different than a heartbreak because my whole world shattered at that moment, because I was living a lie with this person who was living a disgusting life behind my back. The person whom supposedly you have placed/dedicated your entire life to.

So I confronted her. Demanded the truth. Gradually I learned everything because she refused to come clean. In the end, I got tired and told her it was best for her to leave. I did not want anything to do with her anymore. What she had done was enough to kill any emotion. After the divorce, apparently that life she left me fore, ended. So she wanted me back. But I had a lot of time to myself and I learned to appreciate a new me, make a new life, and I just could not imagine myself with her again. So I said no. And so she left.

I'm not saying you should leave him. I did the above because It was my personal decision and I am proud I did because I did it based on reasoning with myself. However, I will tell you, when you are married, you have all right to know every detail about your husband/wife. I'm not talking about being a dictator or anything but the husband / wife relationship is the ultimate expression of love and 2 become 1. You live and breathe for the person and never take any decisions without input from the other.

So for you, I recommend : In a calm tone, explain to him everything that you and him have talked about with reference to you relationship and remind him what he has told you about his feelings ( this will set grounds and highlight current state of the relationship ). Then you disclose what happened that day you saw the chat message ( calmly now because things have a bad way of getting carried away and he might feel like he's against the wall because he know he has been doing something bad, and people don't like to be caught and immediately go on the defensive ). If he interrupts, respectfully ask him to listen to you and that you have the right to bring this up as his wife, as the person he has promised to love and cherish until death. You decide if you want to tell him that you sleuthed around and found more stuff ( but this usually ends up with the "you were looking at my stuff?" accusation and might trump you conversation ). Then lay the question on him, "what does this mean?", don't jump to conclude that he is cheating ( even though it's obvious ) but asking him if he is cheating might get him upset ( or might not but my experience showd me how defensive and ogre like they get ). Hopefully this should get the conversation moving.

In the end, I just wanted to get to the end. I didn't want to continue living a lie. I had found out that there was a possibility and I know that I would hate myself for allowing me to be the "other" person. If he has already said his feelings have changed and you guys are no longer romantic. I'm sorry but's it's time to set things straight before he commits the unforgivable or you get hurt worse.

It's hard to meet reality but it's better to know, get out, and not waste any more time. Or maybe it might work to where he will realize his stupidity. It's a 50/50 chance. You won't know until you go to that point. Nobody she let themselves permit something like that, everyone has to the right to love and be loved in return. He is obviously not reciprocating those feelings.

I hope I was able to help. I was able to survive my past and in fact I am so much better off and now, I am happily married. My job sent me to Mexico where I met a beautiful girl who is now my wife. With her I learned what how a person that truly loves you is. Any time that I have to wait for her VISA to get done is nothing compared to the years we will enjoy of each other when we are finally together.

Here hoping everything works out for you. Keep strong, love, and move forward. Never look back unless it's to learn from past mistakes.

Thank you very much for your response, and for sharing your own experience. It was an immense help.

I think I'm gonna sit down with him tonight, and actually talk face to face for the first time. Either this will help or hurt the relationship, but I believe it needs to be done, no matter how scared I am. Thanks for the advice on what I should ask. It'll definitely help me plan out what to say as I'll probably be a babbling mess with all the crying.

[pddp 240]

Saylin, never fight for a man, he's the one who should fight for you! The right man will fight tooth and nail to be with you and to make you happy, because he knows you're the best thing that ever happened to him and he can't bear the thought of not being with you. Fight for yourself, make the best life you possibly can for yourself, so you're ready to share it when your true soulmate comes along. Good luck on your journey!

[Saylin 1,605]

OMG... So sorry to read this!!! Follow your heart ...

Thanks... Unfortunately, my heart is pretty conflicted at the moment...

[Xanax 349]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please stay strong. Please do not continue to have sex with him. Tell him how you feel and what you want and see where he wants to go from there, Do not keep yourselves in this "limbo" it isn't fair.

In my honest opinion, regardless of the fact that you love him and are loyal to him, he is disloyal to you and not faithful to you. Would you want to stay in a relationship where you may always have doubts, even if he did want to work this out?

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Brittany