Should I give up or fight for him?

[Darnell 8,478]

I suggest you two (Saylin and husband) kill all of your computer gaming accounts, build a workshop , and start building things together with tools. If the 'purty underbritches' suggestion didn't work, then 'being together face to face doing something' can be useful.

[alizon 77]

I suggest you two (Saylin and husband) kill all of your computer gaming accounts, build a workshop , and start building things together with tools. If the 'purty underbritches' suggestion didn't work, then 'being together face to face doing something' can be useful.

I second this! If not building something, then going hiking or taking a painting class or something.

Darnell, you are my favorite person on VJ.

[Darnell 8,478]

I second this! If not building something, then going hiking or taking a painting class or something.

Darnell, you are my favorite person on VJ.

I thought about this a bit, before making my post here.

Building something usually can involve two people.

Over time, a level is trust is made, and unspoken language (hold this here whilst I cut it or nail it)

My Dad and I had this, I not realize just how much we read each other till a few weeks ago,

where I was helping out with some habitat for humanity project. Another worker there and I were roughing out a wall, and we didn't say anything - just read each other's movements, body language, and eyes. No fingers were cut, either After we got that wall attached, we talked about it. Our father's were similar, we both did similar things in our youth. It was crazy - we were so fast with roughing out that wall, even me with a wrenched knee. This fella and I worked exactly like my father and I worked.. intuitive, trusting, and fast.

Learning to read body language through building stuff, even though it sounds funny (for those folk who never have picked up a tool) is a big thing, and IMO (and others) is a natural extension of trust when building things. Or trust is a natural extension of building things together.

IMO, for Saylin - building things together will be a GREAT trust-building exercise.

Saylin - if'n yer not in an apartment, have a 20-ft cargo container dropped in the backyard, extend a shed-roof along the long side, and get busy

Edited June 3, 2012 by Darnell

[david'sgirl 134]

I know I haven't responded to each message on this thread, but I just wanted to let everyone know I do indeed read every single message here and take it to heart.

What actually becomes of our future, I don't know yet. I guess only time will tell. Although, I think if in a year (once I'm done school) if things haven't improved, I might just leave. I'd like to be with someone that respects me and appreciates how much I'm worth (and actually shows it). And hearing the words "I love you" (which I haven't heard in probably a year) would be nice again.

I went to a wedding tonight. My uncle finally married his girlfriend/fiancee that he's been with for a few years now. And you can see how much they love one another. I've truly never seen my uncle so happy. And through the entire wedding, I was just thinking how I'd love to be like them, so truly in love. Perhaps one day.

Oh honey I feel so bad for you. You seem like such a nice young lady. Your husband is not treating you with the love or respect which you deserve. I was married young like you and treated the same way and the regret I have is that I wasted 13 years of my life trying to make my ex into a better person than he was ever going to be. It is easy to convince yourself it is your fault, that you can win him back, that maybe if you dress sexier or cook his favorite meal or something it will change him. I even confronted one of the women. I took my baby in a stroller and went to the woman's apartment and told her to back off and she laughed at me and said if I could not control my husband it was not her problem. You are dealing with a nasty woman like that who does not value marriage. It might may you feel better to confront her but don;t count on the tramp having a conscience, after all she has designs on your man and she already knows you are married. Trust your gut even if it's hard. If you think you deserve better, you do. If you think maybe they deserve each other you may be right about that too. It took a long tome for me to realize the only person you can change is you. It also took a long time for me to trust again. But now I'm married to the man I know was made for me. Now I know that what I felt when I was younger was not the real thing. we don't know what we don't know. So if you have never really been loved it is easy to confuse lust, infatuation, companionship etc for Love. I really hope everything works out however you decide is best. You have your whole life ahead of you. :hugs:

[aaydrian 479]

NEVER EVER CONFRONT A MISTRESS/JOE because you end up looking stupid and pathetic. If you're going to get riled up and throw down with anyone make sure it's your spouse because they are the one that MOST DEFINITELY KNOWS they're in a relationship. I will always give the person who my partner is stepping out with the benefit of the doubt that they had zero knowledge of me, even if that 'nasty' person was deliberate in their actions.

It's really sad that certain sentiments haven't been heard in a year. Give it that time you mentioned but as said spending umpteen years in this same situation is a waste of life.

[pddp 240]

NEVER EVER CONFRONT A MISTRESS/JOE because you end up looking stupid and pathetic. If you're going to get riled up and throw down with anyone make sure it's your spouse because they are the one that MOST DEFINITELY KNOWS they're in a relationship. I will always give the person who my partner is stepping out with the benefit of the doubt that they had zero knowledge of me, even if that 'nasty' person was deliberate in their actions.

:thumbs: :thumbs:

Very well said. That 'nasty' person could be as much a victim as you, manipulated and lied to. And in any case your spouse is the one who made and broke his vows, he's the one 100% responsible for whatever he CHOSE to get involved with. It's ALWAYS a choice.

[Saylin 1,605]

NEVER EVER CONFRONT A MISTRESS/JOE because you end up looking stupid and pathetic. If you're going to get riled up and throw down with anyone make sure it's your spouse because they are the one that MOST DEFINITELY KNOWS they're in a relationship. I will always give the person who my partner is stepping out with the benefit of the doubt that they had zero knowledge of me, even if that 'nasty' person was deliberate in their actions.

It's really sad that certain sentiments haven't been heard in a year. Give it that time you mentioned but as said spending umpteen years in this same situation is a waste of life.

Just want to point out, that the girl 100% knew about me. Her and my husband constantly were saying "if/when the marriage ends", plus I'm friends with the girl on Facebook, so she knows I'm married to him. It's not like this girl and my husband were complete strangers who just happened to meet one day. They've been friends for years now and live just 2 hours apart and have chatted every day for quite awhile due to being friends.

[keysjangle 145]

[rade2rising 205]

of course she knew. In my experience women can be really cold hearted and calculating when they want to be. If you try to work hard on your marriage be careful she doesn't try something with you.

[aaydrian 479]

...the girl 100% knew about me. Her AND MY HUSBAND constantly were saying "if/when the marriage ends"...she knows I'm married to him...They've been friends for years now...

Just letting you know that changes nothing, you didn't exchange vows with the mistress. If the 'knowing all' girlfriend is low, malicious, vile and disrespectful then I shudder at how your husband would be described for his newly discovered discretion hence should be the target of ALL your anger.

[rlogan 2,036]

And hearing the words "I love you" (which I haven't heard in probably a year) would be nice again.

I re-read this thread and have some observations.

First, you made sure to secure a relationship with your husband before leaving your boyfriend. You've stated repeatedly how you could never see yourself with someone else. So that tells me you don't even consider being alone, which is a sign of insecurity that is acting as a liability: preferring a bad relationship to being alone. You have the need to secure the next relationship before leaving the present one.

Second, you have a long-time troll on the board who has a different identity at the moment doing the guilt-tripping about how in the "old days" people didn't just get divorced so quickly and worked through their problems. He's got it backwards. Divorce was socially unacceptable, so people didn't get married after meeting each other for a week-end. They undertook long courtships and took counsel from parents, their pastor, etc. Meeting the parents was a significant event, parents of both sides interacting together was expected - and the kinds of things Darnell is suggesting would have been done a couple of years ago. Your husband was right about rushing into marriage.

Third, this business about having a somewhat decent "texting" relationship but not face-to-face relationship, and the gaming thing - that's self explanatory. I can have a decent texting relationship with the wicked witch from the west or some gay dude pretending he's a girl. But neither one is relationship material.

Fourth, I see now your husband knew this girl before he met you. It has been unclear through the thread what his relationship status was when you met and during the period prior to you finally getting here. But within a few months of getting here he wasn't telling you he loved you anymore. He was telling you both by word and by deed that he didn't love you.

Fifth, he's lied too much about this girl to trust what he says and I assure you he was laying pipe on those trips unless he's gay. He's definitely lying to her too under the maxim that lies to the mistress are less consequential than lies to the wife. If he isn't lying, then there is no reason for deleting text and email messages. The three of you would be having coffee and crumpets together, with all three looking forward to seeing one another. That is what friends do together, and if any one of you emailed or texted the other, you wouldn't want to hide it. You'd leave it out in the open and would be glad if your wife saw it in case you forgot to mention whatever the message was.

The advice being given with constructing things together or going hiking etc. is in effect "try building a relationship together". Not the texting or gaming relationship, because that isn't one. It is the thing you never did in the first place, and the thing our grandparents did over extended courtships before they got married.

I'm not going to give any advice. I do think that before you make decisions you need a clear understanding of what got you where you are, or you'll just make poor decisions with this relationship and make the same mistakes with the next one.

Edited June 6, 2012 by rlogan

[david'sgirl 134]

I would never trust him again, but that's just me.

Once that trust is broken, you just cannot ever go back. People may try to reconcile but there will always be that worry in the back of your mind. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

[canada_socks 97]

Once that trust is broken, you just cannot ever go back. People may try to reconcile but there will always be that worry in the back of your mind. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

I disagree. Not everyone is the same and people do make mistakes. Saylin is giving her husband a second chance. He claims he will change and that he wants her in his life. I see absolutely nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance. I am sure if he messed up a second time, the outcome would be different. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

[We Keep Receipts 9,238]

I disagree. Not everyone is the same and people do make mistakes. Saylin is giving her husband a second chance. He claims he will change and that he wants her in his life. I see absolutely nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance. I am sure if he messed up a second time, the outcome would be different. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

In regards to second chances, you should deserve it or earn it. To figure that out, you need to look at the whole picture. I'll add some questions/answers below, only you will know what's true or not:

1. Falling out of love: When December came around or anytime before that, did your husband try and talk to you about his feelings? Most times people will either say things or try to hint that there is a problem, that way it can be solved or fixed. If he tried to tell you that he wasn't happy or something changed and you blew him off, then this occurence is more commonplace than not. I don't believe that is the case since there was no mention of any indication beforehand. This is something you would know. In a marriage you have to TALK to your spouse so these issues can be prevented. He would deserve a second chance if he tried to salvage his feelings by alerting you to the problem and trying to fix it early on, but you weren't given that chance that we know of.

2. The Friend: I agree with Rlogan that this woman has been in the picture longer than you have. And that brings me to my next question, when did he start deleting his text/emails? Either way it sucks but TBH you need to know exactly what you are dealing with before you keep going. If you can remember when he started doing that, you will have a timeline of when things got personal between the two of them. Worse case scenario, he's been doing it the whole time you've been here and that means he's been into this woman even before he married you. And that to me is unforgivable. Not to mention they have been talking about what happens if/when you and him part ways, this right here would be my walking papers. Second chance would come into play IF this woman was someone he just met and somehow they just clicked due to the first instance of Saylin not being the wife she should be, but evidence says she has been here for a while so that's out.

3. Intimacy: It's been a year since he told you he loved you? At that point I would be packing my bags and headed back across the border. I can't go 2 days without letting my wife know how I feel, you don't slack on that EVER. I'm amazed you've lasted this long, it's not healthy.

In summary, it's up to you whether you want to keep this going or throw in the towel, based on what I have read, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. The situation shows that he is interested in having a roomie with benefits, and you know that's not what you want. He only wanted to work on things when he saw how people blasted him on here, not because he loves you. Look at why he is doing things, not just what. It might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you where you SHOULD be.

[Saylin 1,605]

In regards to second chances, you should deserve it or earn it. To figure that out, you need to look at the whole picture. I'll add some questions/answers below, only you will know what's true or not:

1. Falling out of love: When December came around or anytime before that, did your husband try and talk to you about his feelings? Most times people will either say things or try to hint that there is a problem, that way it can be solved or fixed. If he tried to tell you that he wasn't happy or something changed and you blew him off, then this occurence is more commonplace than not. I don't believe that is the case since there was no mention of any indication beforehand. This is something you would know. In a marriage you have to TALK to your spouse so these issues can be prevented. He would deserve a second chance if he tried to salvage his feelings by alerting you to the problem and trying to fix it early on, but you weren't given that chance that we know of.

2. The Friend: I agree with Rlogan that this woman has been in the picture longer than you have. And that brings me to my next question, when did he start deleting his text/emails? Either way it sucks but TBH you need to know exactly what you are dealing with before you keep going. If you can remember when he started doing that, you will have a timeline of when things got personal between the two of them. Worse case scenario, he's been doing it the whole time you've been here and that means he's been into this woman even before he married you. And that to me is unforgivable. Not to mention they have been talking about what happens if/when you and him part ways, this right here would be my walking papers. Second chance would come into play IF this woman was someone he just met and somehow they just clicked due to the first instance of Saylin not being the wife she should be, but evidence says she has been here for a while so that's out.

3. Intimacy: It's been a year since he told you he loved you? At that point I would be packing my bags and headed back across the border. I can't go 2 days without letting my wife know how I feel, you don't slack on that EVER. I'm amazed you've lasted this long, it's not healthy.

In summary, it's up to you whether you want to keep this going or throw in the towel, based on what I have read, I wouldn't waste any more time on him. The situation shows that he is interested in having a roomie with benefits, and you know that's not what you want. He only wanted to work on things when he saw how people blasted him on here, not because he loves you. Look at why he is doing things, not just what. It might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you where you SHOULD be.

1. He never mentioned to me directly that he had been losing feelings until December. I did notice that he stopped holding my hand, or kissing me, or saying "I love you" and stuff like that, but he never told me directly what was going on.

2. I need to clarify something about the texting thing. He's been deleting everyone's text messages (not just the girl's) for quite awhile now. Before I even moved here. Perhaps even since I met him, I can't quite remember. And he only started to get feelings for this girl this year (like, just a few short months ago), after his feelings for me slipped late last year. Yes, he's known her for longer, but it was clear in their conversations on Facebook that things only started to get "serious" recently.

3. Yeah, it's been around a year. I honestly can't remember as it's been so long. But, now that he seems to have turned a new leaf since he said he wanted to work on things, I've given him a second chance. Whether his intentions are true or not (or if it's cause of how people talked about him here on this thread as you said), I don't know. I'd like to think they're true. But only time will tell I suppose. Like I mentioned earlier, if things don't improve at all in like one year (once I finish school), then I'll have to re-evaluate and see if I should stay or not. I would love for things to work out, but I don't want to waste 20 years of my life...