Should I give up or fight for him?

[Jen and Jon 14]

Saylin, I've been in your position and it sucks. I believe he is already fvcking this girl...it happens. If he's driving two hours to see her, he's making a booty call as well. This relationship is a lot more involved than you can probably even imagine.

And one piece of advice: stop sleeping with him. Every time you have sex with him you're going to kill yourself inside.

I have to agree with Staashi. Someone doesn't drive 2 hours away, especially to meet up with the opposite sex, to just chat. As well as, stop sleeping with him forsure, you don't wanna to fall victim to some STD...

[Fandango 1,439]

People say things like "She doesn't need to change in order for him to change" They don't understand that when you SHARE your life with someone you need to CHANGE and ADJUST for the sake of both living in peace and happiness. Everyone is so quick to take her side and advice her to move on. #######! I take neither side but if she wants so save her marriage she should start by taking a closer look at her self first. Encouraging her to move on is a coward lame easy way out of a sticky situation. Yes, her situation sucks but millions of couples go through worse and they manage to save their relationship, learn from the experience and live happily after. Marriage is a roller coaster and the sooner is accepted the better is to deal with situations like these. People need to stop been so proud and humble themselves even when they are the victims. Yes, he probably fell out of love in the same way that others couple do when they get bore with their partner. Is all about evolving as a person to keep the other interested instead boring the partner with the same rabbit trick.

You are certainly entitled to your own opinion. OP asked for opinions, and people gave theirs. You may disagree, but just as you have your opinion, realize everyone else has his/hers.

[ceyhunihal 6]

Hi Saylin,I am so sorry to hear that.I am going thru similar things that you are going thru except there is not another women there.he changed so mush after three mo. he arrived here. I am really considering to divorce him and I am NOT going to sign any papers to remove his condition next year.I talked to him many times and nothing helps and I don't want to continue my marriage under these conditions.You remember how much wait and worries,how many sleepless nights to wait for TSC to complete our cases so we could be together and happy with our husbands.

I hope everything goes well for you sweety and you will be happy again with your hubby.

[rlogan 2,036]

he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Not loving you interfered in loving you.

he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up.

An abused person takes normal treatment as wonderful, and it's easy for the abuser to occasionally do something trivial that seems like such a big deal to the abused.

There isn't one molecule of my life that my wife doesn't know about. She has permission to look through emails, cell phone, internet history - everything. I've never stepped out on her despite having permission to do it. I'd be key-logging that husband or doing some pretty close inspection of everything he's up to. Who knows what really happened with that other girl. Maybe she dumped him. But I would not take his word on it.

You mentioned that the face-to-face discussions are so difficult with the long silences and so forth - it isn't because there is nothing to say. It's because what is in his mind is not being said. People blurt out what is on their mind in real time when they are expressing their true feelings. But when they need to conceal something, they have to think carefully about what they are going to say to manipulate the other person.

[Clariz 2]

I think your situation is embedded in the lyrics of this song-I hope am right-- there is no other compatibility except sex...

Don't melt like a volcano. From American Idol 2012- Song is great and lyrics too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP-IcCiCEI&feature=related

[Knope2012 10]

Obviously, anything I type is going to be my own opinion here. I just think that you deserve much better than this guy. He's been treating you more like a roommate, he's been emotionally (if not physically) cheating on you, and he now probably thinks that he can get away with whatever he wants and you will forgive him. Believe me, I've been there. I've been in a relationship where a few happy moments seem to make up for all the pain and deceit, but then the cycle starts over again. I woke up one day and I wanted out. I just want you to decide if you want to work on your marriage (although it seems like you've been the only one trying) and if you do, to go into it with eyes open and completely realizing all of your self worth. If he's not the guy for you, there's one out there who will make you feel wanted, loved, and appreciated.

[keysjangle 145]

Oh Saylin

These things go two ways: he truly has a change of heart, or he goes back to his behaviour. If he doesn't totally grasp how he's hurt you, then he'll just feel guilty and give you those cuddles because it's what you said you missed. Not to be malicious, but because it's what makes sense for someone in his position to do.

He has to work very hard to earn that trust back. If after awhile he feels in his heart of hearts there is no connection between you guys, then you should just take care of yourself and make arrangements. Someone will only change if they want to, and for those of us who give them chance after chance, it's becomes exhausting and fruitless.

So sorry he did this, but I'm happy you stood up to him. I hope things work out for you guys, really. Hiccups happen. Some couples have what it takes to heal and move on - hopefully you two have it. If not, I'll fly down there and smack some sense into the boy. "Have you seen this girls spreadsheets?! She's a keeper, you dweeb!"

[Trishy_N_J 23]

He'll have to gain back your trust for sure. If he's really willing to work things out, I think he should offer to let you check his stuff. If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to hide. In fact, he should stop deleting his txt messages on his mobile and let you read them.

Seriously unless he's got something to hide, he wouldn't care to be monitored in order to prove it. Proof of faithfullness is crucial at this moment.

It is possible that he finally woke up. A lot of men do not realize what they've lost until it's too late. I don't know who this girl is, but if he foolishly thinks this girl is good, he's dead wrong. (I kinda hope he reads this!) I don't care who she is, what she does for a living, how hot she looks.

There is nothing honorable in a woman, that knows a man is married, and purposely tries to snatch another woman's man.

It's only a game since it's the thrill of the catch, the competition between women that drives her. Once the fish is caught, onto another fish she goes.

It's the syndrome of the self-hating girl who needs to reassure herself by 'winning' against other females. The man himself doesn't matter.

So indeed, you love him from the bottom of your heart and in the process have committed to a life of marriage and making a move. That's dedication. That's love. You love him for him, for better a worse. THAT stands for something. So remember that whatever happens, that you're doing your best to make it work. That counts for something. It counts a great deal in a world where people have learned to use people and love things, instead of using things and loving people. It's precious but sometimes along the routine of everyday life, some people lose sight of its importance. I hope he means it.

(L) Stay strong !!

[tazzie 6]

I think Orchyd says it all, good luck.

[Gummibear 5]

Oh Saylin, what happened in your marriage is exactly like mine. I was heartbroken when he told me that he was not happy with our marriage. We also rushed into marriage (we married after 4 months of dating). He is also a great worker, a great son and a great friend. Our relationship also broke after I moved to the state we are currently living 3 months. I got angry with him for not considering me enough but I also get angry at myself for not being enought for him (I know everybody will say it's not my fault but I love him with all my heart and it's just so sad that I cannot keep our marriage.) I am not good at face-to-face conversations too because I always get emotional when I talked about our relationship with him so we always texted. I hate it when people just say they are not happy with the relationship and assume it's over and just let go. Sometimes I wonder if that's how Americans people think about marriage and divorce? Why do they always think about the divorce immediately when a problem comes along? Do they have a mindset of fixing relationships? I believe in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater."

I don't know what advice I should give to you but I hope you will take good care of yourself and gather all evidences for the ROC. I have to do it too when my divorce is finalised. Don't lower your standard and get your self-esteem hurt.

[PMartin37 161]

Oh Saylin, what happened in your marriage is exactly like mine. I was heartbroken when he told me that he was not happy with our marriage. We also rushed into marriage (we married after 4 months of dating). He is also a great worker, a great son and a great friend. Our relationship also broke after I moved to the state we are currently living 3 months. I got angry with him for not considering me enough but I also get angry at myself for not being enought for him (I know everybody will say it's not my fault but I love him with all my heart and it's just so sad that I cannot keep our marriage.) I am not good at face-to-face conversations too because I always get emotional when I talked about our relationship with him so we always texted. I hate it when people just say they are not happy with the relationship and assume it's over and just let go. Sometimes I wonder if that's how Americans people think about marriage and divorce? Why do they always think about the divorce immediately when a problem comes along? Do they have a mindset of fixing relationships? I believe in the saying "once a cheater always a cheater."

I don't know what advice I should give to you but I hope you will take good care of yourself and gather all evidences for the ROC. I have to do it too when my divorce is finalised. Don't lower your standard and get your self-esteem hurt.

I'm going to jump in here and say that as an American (along with MANY others on this thread) I encouraged Saylin to work on her marriage rather than divorce. For myself, I don't really recommend divorce on an online forum- for one thing, you only hear one version of events. Second, you only hear small tidbits of a person's entire history together so how would ANYONE know enough to recommend ending a marriage?

[Gummibear 5]

I don't recommend divorce too, I never want it but once one person wants it, it's very hard for the other to work it out, at least that's my case. In my country, its not common for couples to do divorce. No one is perfect so if someone keeps thinking that the grass on the other side is greener and leaves their spouse, he/she will end up chasing around in circles.

Be strong Saylin, I have to remind myself that sentence everyday! Remember that you're worthy and you deserve to be loved. Don't worry about being nosey. You wouldn't know you are being played if you're not nosey and you have the rights to know his BAD secrets because you're his wife. This is not about being nosey, its about being FAITHFUL.

[Saylin 1,605]

I know I haven't responded to each message on this thread, but I just wanted to let everyone know I do indeed read every single message here and take it to heart.

What actually becomes of our future, I don't know yet. I guess only time will tell. Although, I think if in a year (once I'm done school) if things haven't improved, I might just leave. I'd like to be with someone that respects me and appreciates how much I'm worth (and actually shows it). And hearing the words "I love you" (which I haven't heard in probably a year) would be nice again.

I went to a wedding tonight. My uncle finally married his girlfriend/fiancee that he's been with for a few years now. And you can see how much they love one another. I've truly never seen my uncle so happy. And through the entire wedding, I was just thinking how I'd love to be like them, so truly in love. Perhaps one day.

[rade2rising 205]

some things are just not meant to be

your situation can still turn around but it will take ALOT and not highly likely

with all that said you have to stand and fight for what you believe in so never give up coz you can still overcome this.

take one day at a time

[Mr. Borkström 63]

I know I haven't responded to each message on this thread, but I just wanted to let everyone know I do indeed read every single message here and take it to heart.

What actually becomes of our future, I don't know yet. I guess only time will tell. Although, I think if in a year (once I'm done school) if things haven't improved, I might just leave. I'd like to be with someone that respects me and appreciates how much I'm worth (and actually shows it). And hearing the words "I love you" (which I haven't heard in probably a year) would be nice again.

I went to a wedding tonight. My uncle finally married his girlfriend/fiancee that he's been with for a few years now. And you can see how much they love one another. I've truly never seen my uncle so happy. And through the entire wedding, I was just thinking how I'd love to be like them, so truly in love. Perhaps one day.

I love you.

But not for those reasons. lol The effort you put in, helping total strangers here on this site, is amazing. You seem like a wonderful person and you deserve to be treated as such. Fingers crossed for you.