Should I give up or fight for him?

[Saylin 1,605]

That is really good, now you will have to be patient and see how are things going to be. there is a silver lining to every cloud.

I'm definitely willing to be patient if this works out

[RyLu 0]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

Oh Saylin! This one made my heart happy! :') I've just read thru the whole thread and felt the pain with you. I'm so glad he realized his mistake and wants to work on your marriage. Just hoping he'll be able to ask for forgiveness in person too.. (big difference!)

Trust is something that takes time to build, and seconds to break. So just let it take the time it needs. Give him time to prove to you that he really means it.

As you mentioned sometime before, communication is key. It may not come easy but it is crucial for a relationship to work. So I'm proud of you for facing your fears and start the conversation. With time it will become easier to have these vulnerable open convos. But it will bring you closer together I am glad you wanted to fight. It's just like Cheryl Cole sings

"Anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for

Quitting's out of the question, when it gets tough, gotta fight some more

We've gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love"

Good luck now <3

[Army wife 9]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

Hi Saylin!

I am glad to see that he has come to his senses!

Although many people today believe that divorce is the answer to everything, the reality is that anyone in a long term marriage, will tell you that there was A LOT of coming to one's senses and forgiveness going on... This I really only realised in my early 30s.

I hope you 2 work it out and things go way much better... The scars may not have healed just yet, but with time and love, it does get better.

Hugs

AW

[Saylin 1,605]

Oh Saylin! This one made my heart happy! :') I've just read thru the whole thread and felt the pain with you. I'm so glad he realized his mistake and wants to work on your marriage. Just hoping he'll be able to ask for forgiveness in person too.. (big difference!)

Trust is something that takes time to build, and seconds to break. So just let it take the time it needs. Give him time to prove to you that he really means it.

As you mentioned sometime before, communication is key. It may not come easy but it is crucial for a relationship to work. So I'm proud of you for facing your fears and start the conversation. With time it will become easier to have these vulnerable open convos. But it will bring you closer together I am glad you wanted to fight. It's just like Cheryl Cole sings

"Anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for

Quitting's out of the question, when it gets tough, gotta fight some more

We've gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love"

Good luck now <3

Thank you

I know communication is key. I know emails and texts aren't the same. And despite what happened yesterday afternoon, I was proud that talking wasn't as horrible as my first experience with my first boyfriend. Was it perfect, no. But a lot better. Communication at this point definitely is key.

Hi Saylin!

I am glad to see that he has come to his senses!

Although many people today believe that divorce is the answer to everything, the reality is that anyone in a long term marriage, will tell you that there was A LOT of coming to one's senses and forgiveness going on... This I really only realised in my early 30s.

I hope you 2 work it out and things go way much better... The scars may not have healed just yet, but with time and love, it does get better.

Hugs

AW

Yeah, coming from parents who divorced, I know it's not the answer to everything. And thing should be worked upon. At first, before my husband's email, I kinda knew it was pointless since he didn't want to try. But now that he does, there's hope.

[meno-is-mine 37]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

perhaps a car is in your future

I know it might seem weird that he told me this through email, but we are (or at least I am) more comfortable talking through emails and texts as I get my point across better (I think). Talking face to face is uncomfortable, and there's long bouts of silence. But yeah, I couldn't quite believe the big sudden change either. Obviously after everything that happened. But he seems genuine. I'm just going to be treading lightly and see how things progress.

And thanks for your words

Yeah, I'm definitely skeptical and treading lightly, but I have some hope. Thanks for you well wishes

I say do whatever works for you. You can build up to talking face to face with time... this is good progress however the mode of communication...

[Saylin 1,605]

perhaps a car is in your future

I say do whatever works for you. You can build up to talking face to face with time... this is good progress however the mode of communication...

He tried calling his aunt again today about the car, but she didn't answer He says he's going to ask his grandmother (who lives like a few minutes away from his aunt, by walking) to see what's up. So, hopefully I get that car soon It'd be nice to be able to pick up more shifts at work as I can only work after my husband finishes work so he can drive me there (otherwise I'd have to walk or bike, which I don't like ). It'd also make getting to school easier and less stressful for my husband. He can enjoy his lunch breaks instead of coming to pick me up from school and driving me home.

[Visitor 90]

So it seems you both do most of your communicating by texting and emails. REALLY???

I think you both need to grow up and sit down face to face and talk properly like adults would. Perhaps you are still teenagers (I don't know your ages) but you are married and as such should at the very least be talking out problems face to face. Not texting and emailing to communicate. You both seem to be stuck in your "courting days".

Sorry if this sounds harsh but emails?? REALLYY???

If you 2 can't talk face to face then you still have problems which aren't going to fix themselves through email chatter.

Do you email each other when dinner is ready or email each other with possible plans for a weekend outing or anniversary date?

Ditch the computers, iPhones and other 21st century devices and gadgets and sit down and talk to each other. As long as he has gadgets the temptation to cheat is still there. There will always be a measure of distrust there as he has betrayed you. IF he has no better use for a computer then he shouldn't have one and doesn't need one when he's married cause he's only using it to pick up internet girlfriends. You will always wonder who's on his email list or facebook friend's list and justifiably.

So he says this girl has gone. I wonder how long it will be before the next one comes along. Maybe he'll be more discreet about hiding the next one better so you don't find out. Heck he was planning to go meet her while you were working. Someone needs to slap this guy upside the head and remind him that he's M-A-R-R-I-E-D !!!!

He may tell you what you want to hear now but he surely can't do a complete turnaround overnight and become the you hope him to be.

Good luck and I hope you stay on guard with him.

[torontogal4388 20]

A great many people have trouble expressing their deepest emotions face to face. Yes, they are young, but if texting and email give them a comfort zone for truly expressing themselves then go for it.

I know a great many "senior" men who never learned to verbalize their feelings. And a great many women of all ages who start to talk and then break down in heaps of tears and cannot get their thoughts out to the other.

Get with the present Annie - if this lets each really express themselves what right have you to look down on them. NONE.

[decocker 7,198]

So it seems you both do most of your communicating by texting and emails. REALLY???

i'm sorry but texting and emails isn't the issue. different communication methods work for different couples.

personally, i'm the type that can really only express myself by typing it out. my husband is the same way. if we have something emotional to talk about and we're in the same room, we'll talk about it face to face. but the communication isn't going to be as effective than if we were emailing. it's our personalities. we both hate conflict and things don't feel so aggressive when you can organize your thoughts.

[aaydrian 479]

If you guys have always communicated through emails to express yourselves then I guess its okay. For me though emails would have to go aside for a bit and do a face to face considering that divorce was being thrown around. I find it hard to believe your husband over a 24 hour period ended whatever type of relationship with his girlfriend and has suddenly been enlightened that your 'worth' it. Where you not 'worth it' Monday, last Friday or whenever your husband had his rendezvous with his girlfriend? With the way your husband choose to communicate with his 'then' girlfriend paranoia is going to be your best friend whenever your husband is texting, emailing, on facebook and when you have to leave your husband alone for whatever reason. Your husband's new found intentions towards you and your marriage could be genuine but you need to thread carefully. Hope for the best but expect the worst.

[torontogal4388 20]

"we both hate conflict and things don't feel so aggressive when you can organize your thoughts"

Very good point there Valerie!!!

[jojolicious 38]

I'm happy that he came to his senses because it was crystal clear that you want more than anything for your marriage to work. I wish you all the best!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

I really REALLY hope that this all works out for you but the bolded portions worry me.

HE mentioned divorced several weeks ago so it wasn't divorce that woke him up, I honestly think it was the knowledge that you told the guildies and were putting out there that he was a cheating scumbag... he's trying to make himself look better.

But worst of all is the last bolded section... he once again mentions his "lack of feelings" for you... in an email where he's supposed to be telling you how sorry he is and how much he loves you. Instead I read: "well, you're a really great girl so I'm willing to give dating you a go". You're his wife, he's supposed to love you. Sometimes we might not like our spouses, sometimes they can really tick us off but the love should still be there.

I do hope it works out, I really do, but you deserve to be loved and I still don't think he does love you - in fact he wrote as much in his email.

[amyandjorge 76]

phew! what a relief huh?

I would still recommend holding out till at least anniversary night. Give him some time to really think.

Communication is crucial. If emails/text/etc are intimate forms of communication in your relationship, then don't forget his previous extramarital intimacies.

Apparently it's all too easy for flirting to go on in FB, it's happened to me too! I caught my man saying bizarre things to girls I don't know. I told him right away, you are married, you are married to me. I do not accept you sending private messages to ladies. He stopped, he was somewhat stunned how pissed I was (the internet was still a strange unreal concept to him though). Setting clear boundaries can be great!

Hopefully you two can put this in the past and rebuild a stronger marriage. I honestly feel like we are constantly rebuilding ours, it's difficult but rewarding!

[dukeandduchess 141]

I'm cautiously optimistic for you... Just be sure this is what you BOTH really want. I typed up a better response earlier but my computer restarted. Briefly:

- be cautious. Don't jump back into sex and being married. Your foundation is crumbling and you need to rebuild it. Start from the bottom and work your way up. If you don't work on fixing things it will just end up the same way. Go on date night. Get to know each other as friends/dating (I know it might be weird but try it!)

- work on your communication. I also use email/letters to express myself for the same reasons. It has been VERY hard to overcome this, but my husband is a face-to-face kind of guy. Its uncomfortable. I still squirm, but it has improved our relationship.

- Most of all, you BOTH need to do some soul searching. Is this what you really want? Does he still have feelings? If he doesn't this won't work. He might just feel guilty because he can see how much you love him (it's obvious).

Something that I feel slightly uncomfortable saying since I don't know you or your husband very well, but I will say it nonetheless:

It sounds like you are very dependent on him for taking care of you (and this is not a jibe at you at all, merely your situation). My husband would lose his mind if he had to drive me around to school and work in addition to his own job/life. Maybe it's time to buy a car for yourself or come up with some other means of transport. It'll give him a bit of a break and you will feel happier and more independent. Try and get his car back from his aunt. I honestly think this will help your relationship a lot because it sounds like its a big stress on your relationship.

I hope you don't take that the wrong way. I know what it's like to rely on someone and dislike it. Right now I don't have much that I need help with, but when I start working I think we will go through a similar situation for a while. I plan to get a car ASAP.

Anyway, offer is still there if you need to talk. I hope things work out for you. Just be careful!