Should I give up or fight for him?

[chaine1 116]

I've never had to go through this before, so it's tough

Saylin,

I'm sorry you are going through this. From personal experience, I know it sucks.

Once the shock was worn off, I want to strongly encourage you to try to use this as a learning experience. I was married at 23, then divorced at 24. That was probably the darkest time in my life, but it also allowed me to learn an enormous amount about myself and my role (or lack thereof) in relationships. Nearly ten years later, I am in a very healthy, happy relationship. I feel I owe much of this success to the lessons I learned during that divorce. That divorce forced me to look at myself (and how I function in relationships) in ways I never would have before.

I'm not talking about blaming partners, but gaining an intimate understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like, and then the behaviors and attitudes that should go along with it. That might seem easy, but it took a long time for me to understand what roads I should not walk down, which roads I should, and then the courage to walk those (sometimes hard and difficult) steps.

If you cannot look at your relationship objectively, then definitely find a counselor who can help you. I went to a marriage counselor on my own for a few years, and it was probably the best money I ever spent (and I was a student with little money too).

As cliche as it sounds, I would not be where I am today without those lessons. Find a way to make something positive come out of this.

Stay strong, and good luck.

Cheryl

Edited May 9, 2012 by chaine1

[Saylin 1,605]

Saylin,

I'm sorry you are going through this. From personal experience, I know it sucks.

Once the shock was worn off, I want to strongly encourage you to try to use this as a learning experience. I was married at 23, then divorced at 24. That was probably the darkest time in my life, but it also allowed me to learn an enormous amount about myself and my role (or lack thereof) in relationships. Nearly ten years later, I am in a very healthy, happy relationship. I feel I owe much of this success to the lessons I learned during that divorce. That divorce forced me to look at myself (and how I function in relationships) in ways I never would have before.

I'm not talking about blaming partners, but gaining an intimate understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like, and then the behaviors and attitudes that should go along with it. That might seem easy, but it took a long time for me to understand what roads I should not walk down, which roads I should, and then the courage to walk those (sometimes hard and difficult) steps.

If you cannot look at your relationship objectively, then definitely find a counselor who can help you. I went to a marriage counselor on my own for a few years, and it was probably the best money I ever spent (and I was a student with little money too).

As cliche as it sounds, I would not be where I am today without those lessons. Find a way to make something positive come out of this.

Stay strong, and good luck.

Cheryl

Thanks for this. Hopefully I'm as good off in the future as you are now

[WrightFamily 34]

I was thinking once I'm done my studies: Florida or Cali

I'm So sorry to hear this Saylin, but if you finish your studies.....Austin, Texas is the Home of New Technology in your job field of websites like Facebook, Google and Rackspace.com....It's the fastest growing city in the U.S. with tons of jobs and We would love to have you here to re-start your life. our economy is better than my home of Florida and broke Cali!!

Edited May 9, 2012 by WrightFamily

[A16!!24A 5]

saylin,

i was shocked to read this post, i am sorry that you are going through this, you are an absolute life saver for us :/ i hope you get through this with your head up, and that everything works in your favor because you deserve it. and tell your significant other that he is loosing a very smart woman!

[Saylin 1,605]

I'm So sorry to hear this Saylin, but if you finish your studies.....Austin, Texas is the Home of New Technology in your job field of websites like Facebook, Google and Rackspace.com....It's the fastest growing city in the U.S. with tons of jobs and We would love to have you here, our economy is better than my home of Florida and broke Cali!!

Perhaps I'll add it to my list of possible places

saylin,

i was shocked to read this post, i am sorry that you are going through this, you are an absolute life saver for us :/ i hope you get through this with your head up, and that everything works in your favor because you deserve it. and tell your significant other that he is loosing a very smart woman!

Thank you

Maybe in the future, once I'm out of his life, he'll realise how amazing I was and should have never let me go...

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it and a lot of your responses were running through my head as we were talking...

My world is crashing, the tears have been non-stop, and although my heart doesn't know it yet, my brain keeps saying it's for the best....

Your heart will heal. The heart is the strongest muscle in the human body if I am not mistaken. And since your brain seems to be functioning just fine, I think you will be ok in the end.

OK sorry for the cheesy joke, but the point still stands. As much as this hurts you right now, like myself and others have said, you deserve someone who is as wonderful as you are. Clearly this man was not that man. The sooner you can begin to move on the better. I wish you all the best and I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for you.

Not to be full of myself, but I think I'm pretty cool...

See I knew you were smart. And I will say it again: you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are cool, someone who loves you for who you are, someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated.

[Saylin 1,605]

Your heart will heal. The heart is the strongest muscle in the human body if I am not mistaken. And since your brain seems to be functioning just fine, I think you will be ok in the end.

OK sorry for the cheesy joke, but the point still stands. As much as this hurts you right now, like myself and others have said, you deserve someone who is as wonderful as you are. Clearly this man was not that man. The sooner you can begin to move on the better. I wish you all the best and I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for you.

See I knew you were smart. And I will say it again: you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are cool, someone who loves you for who you are, someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated.

Thank you. My brain, as weird as it is sometimes, works fine. My heart at the moment is another story

[dukeandduchess 141]

I was thinking once I'm done my studies: Florida or Cali

Definitely California. I love it here - warm, nice people, always something happening. There's also a bunch of us VJ Canadians here

[Saylin 1,605]

Definitely California. I love it here - warm, nice people, always something happening. There's also a bunch of us VJ Canadians here

The only reason Florida is on my list is cause I've visited there since I was a baby and lived there for 2 years. Absolutely loved it! But since Cali is also hot, it's on my list too

[A_& T_ 3]

im sorry for the situation you have now,..but if i were you,i would not wait until things getting worse because you will be the one to get hurts and each morning you will wake-up you will feel the pain until you will decide to let him go..it is not easy to let your husband be with his girls but the FACT is he did not love you or had feelings you anymore and that you should respect his words,....decide to divorce him because there is no chance between you and your husband,counseling does not work because when a MEN said he does not love you nobody can change that...good luck sis....

[jubalIrah 4]

Guess I'm getting divorced then....

It is going to be very hard on you and you may find that you dont want him after all said and done. Firstly, regardless what has transpired, you now are at a crossroads. If there is a possibility to save the marriage, it will be after drastic steps on your part are taken. The one scenario where you might stay ultimately married is if you shock his system, he comes to realize that this is a major mistake, and then correct it by getting back together with you. This would mean you moving out, and having him deal with life on his own, while you deal with being alone as well. For awhile he may feel great, however, a small chance of staying married is for him to wake up and realize what he is losing. And he has to suffer (hit bottom) to recognize this, and that means you would have to, for all intensive purposes, give up on him. Which means moving on with your life. Its possible, in most likelihood, that you wont want him after you've moved on. To me, it appears he was never really an adult when he signed up to marry.

You really are hurting, and right now, its hard to make any good decisions. Take comfort in your friends. They will be the blessing during this hard part in your life. It is hard to be in the spot your in; take comfort in knowing that there is a better plan for you in your life.

[Darkmoonfaerie 19]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't have any advice that hasn't been given already but wanted you to know that you have the sympathy of someone who's been there. I caught my (now ex) bf of 12 yrs doing the same thing. IMO even if it never went beyond text, it's still cheating emotionally. I wish you nothing but the best in the future. You will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Keep faith!

WoW is a place that allows you to forget the real world for a while but not when your soon to be ex is in your guild. You need to transfer your toons to a new realm and find a new guild. No exceptions.

I do have to comment on this. I've played WoW for ages now. My ex got me into it and we played together for something like 6 yrs, until we split up. I think he assumed I'd leave the guild since he brought me in. I refused because they were my friends too. We managed to make things work by keeping talk to a minimum. I did take a few months off of gaming initially after the split, but that was just time for me. When I came back, he and his new gf were in guild. Lots of people knew he left me for her and assumed he was cheating for a while before we split and I got lots of support from my fellow guildies. I managed to work it so we weren't in a lot of the same raids or groups. We're now 3+ yrs post break up. My fiance has gotten into WoW and is in guild too. My ex isn't playing much anymore but still logs occasionally. We just do what we've always done, keep separate groups as much as possible. It depends on your guild structure, what kind of friendships you've made, how civil you can be to your ex, and a lot of things. To me, changing realms and guilds is like quitting your high school and moving across country cause you split up with someone.

[StarGirl 13]

Actually I have to disagree with people who are saying that that's the man who needs to fight for a woman. What about the other way around? If you KNOW that he is the right one for you, you NEED to fight. First of all, you need to look deep into your heart and ask, what it is that you want. After that  - start thinking how to achieve it. If you believe that your happiness is with him - put all yourself in fighting for him. You might lose in the end, but you will know that you have done everything possible. Now, when I am saying fighting, it doesn't mean I am suggesting you becoming obsessive controlling person. Fighting is figuring out the way how to prove him that you are the one he needs. It might be that it will help both of you to live separately for a while. Someone has suggested that excitement of waiting to be together was the key factor in your relationship. And once this factor was taken away the relationship started crumbling. Think if you want to chance living apart. Think what is the best for you. And then FIGHT. Either to be with him, or to find your happiness with someone else. And never-ever give up!  

[Holliday 4]

Why you offered him the choice of a divorce? Re-invent your self. Become his fantasy. He seems bore with you. Sorry honey but I have to be honest. Anyways hang in there. Stay soft and sweet.... If he is still having sex with you then he still likes you but your personality probably bores him. Try different things. Put a wig on or something... Sorry if my comments sound harsh but I am not going to say what everyone else thinks is correct and take sides. There is a side to every coin. Am I wrong or correct? I might be one of the two but not both. Only she knows it better than anyone. You asked for advice I gave it to you... you can take it or leave it and take your chances.

Good luck

This is quite possibly the worst advice I've ever seen given on this site. Or possibly ever. She should get a wig and change her personality to save her marriage. Aha. Good luck on your immigration/marriage situation. With an attitude like that, you'll probably need it.

Anyway, wow.

To the OP, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I'm afraid I have nothing helpful to add. Everything I want to say has already been said (except for the post I quoted. I would never say that. I don't think any reasonable person could even think it.) Anyway, I really do wish you the best. This would be a crappy situation under any circumstances, but I imagine it's especially difficult being far away from family and friends. If you need someone to vent to, feel free to send me a PM. I'd be happy to listen if you need it.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

[Musashii 21]

Saylin chan,

I am really very sorry to know it is happening to you. I do not know you in person but you have always been very helpful to your VJ family here.

I was married before and remained that way for nearly 7 years but my case was different. Just some issues which could not be handled or resolved.

My present wife was also a divorcee. She was reading these kinds of posts here and all that reading put some dark thoughts somewhere in the back of her head. Thanks to Almighty God, we talked about it and cleared her doubts. Still, I do encourage her to read here so she will know what is going on.

Honesty may not be the best policy anymore, not in present day and time but well, trust is still very base of any relationship, actually any ship. Relationship, partnership, friendship. Once this base cracks, whole building topples.

I don't know what to say. Your husband says he does not have feelings for you anymore. There are no misunderstandings which could be helped or resolved however you still love him. It may not bring you any positive outcome but still, maybe you should go for the marriage advice thing. At least you will know that you tried and did your part regardless of the outcome so you in the end will not have any regrets like "what if I had done it and things could have been different".

May God bless you. All the best.