Should I give up or fight for him?

[John and Ann 10]

(I apologize now for the length)

I thought I would never have to write a topic like this. I've seen similar topics and I would always feel so sad for the person, and never thought it would happen to me. But alas, it has…

Before I delve into my current situation, I want to give a bit of a back story. My husband (Ben) and I first met in January 2010 through a mutual friend on Facebook. He added me and we began to talk for hours every day. Two months after Ben added me, we finally arranged for me to come visit him in the US. I had started to develop feelings for him, but didn't act on it as I was still in a relationship at the time (but it had gone very sour for the past few months). By the end of that five day visit though, I realized I couldn't keep these feelings to myself. So Ben and I talked about we both having feelings for each other. A few days later, I finally broke up with my boyfriend (which I had been wanting to do for awhile…). Ben and I then began discussing how our relationship would work as he was inthe US and I was in Canada. We thought the fiancé or marriage visa would be the right way to go. And on my next visit to the US (just a few weeks after my first visit), we got engaged on April 16. I visited him I believe two more times, just for the weekend as I was in school still. Then, I came down to the US for a 3 month visit, in which, near the beginning, on May 21^st we got married. After I returned back to Canada in August 2010, and after 2 denials at the border, we filed for the I-130. Nine months later, and five visits with Ben coming up to Canada, I had my visa in hand and moved to the US in May 2011.

At the beginning, once I got there, things seemed fine. We both had good times, and were romantic. Then, sometime around the fall of that year (2011), I noticed Ben was more distant, romantically. We still had good times and such, but he wasn't holding my hand anymore, no kisses, no long hugs, nothing. The only "romantic" thing we had was sex, although it seemed more like we were having it because of his hormones, not that he wanted to be close with me or anything.

Then, in early December of 2011, he told me that he hadn't been happy for awhile and that his feelings for me had changed. He thought that it was because we rushed into things too fast. I told him in response that I still loved him, and despite what he felt, I knew what we were getting into when we married and I moved here. After that, we didn't talk about "it". After about 2 weeks of some awkwardness, we went back to normal (and by normal, I mean without the romantic emotions and stuff, but just having a good time). I even "dressed up" for Valentine's, hoping it would spark something, but alas, I don't think it did. We still continued to have sex, but again, like before, I think he just wanted it because of his hormones, nothing else.

Fast forward to the night of May 3^rd (last Thursday). We both have computers facing opposite walls. So, if I turn around from mine, I'm facing his. So, I was bored that night and turned around and he was getting links from a friend on Facebook that went to this DamnLOL site (just funny pictures and comics, and such). Anyways, I was leaning over his shoulder looking at the site with him and laughing. Then, he tabbed back to Facebook as his friend sent him another message. It said something along the lines of: "I'm going to take a shower, want to come with?". My husband quickly tabbed back to the site, thinking I hadn't noticed it. But I did. He then did not tab back to Facebook. I couldn't believe what I had just seen. It was late, so I told him I was going to bed, and he agreed that it was late and we should. Iturned back to my computer to close my tabs, when I saw in the reflection of my monitor screen that he had finally tabbed back to Facebook.

The next morning, while he was inthe shower, I looked on his phone and he had a text message from the girl saying that she had hoped I hadn't killed him. She didn't reference the comment from last night, but I figured she meant that. Unfortunately, my husband deletes his text messages every day, so that was the only message from the girl. I didn't have school that morning, so when I finally got out of bed a few hours later, I decided to check his Facebook messages to see what happened after I had turned around last night. I was able to guess his password fairly easily. What I saw horrified me. I'll admit, I did not feel comfortable snooping around, but I needed to know what was going on. Don't know if I feel better knowing or not. Anyways, it seems like he likes this girl. And for awhile, it seems like they've been planning trips to see each other (she lives in a town 2 hours away) on the weekend, around my work schedule! I just couldn't believe it as he had never mentioned going to this town, so there must have been a reason why he kept it quiet. I also found more "I'm taking a shower, want to come" comments from the girl. And there was a lot of "when/if themarriage ends" comments… And much more.

I decided to text my husband at work. I opened up with wondering if he had thought anymore about our marriage since we hadn't talked since December. He said that he no longer had feelings for me. I asked if he liked or had feelings for anyone else, and he replied with "no, that's not it". Which I was confused by as I saw some messages on Facebook with this girl that would seem to indicate otherwise. But I didn't confront him about this girl. He mentioned that it felt like we were just two friends living together. Which I have to disagree with in some aspects, unless it's friends with benefits.... Anyways we talked for about 2 hours through texts. Seems like he started to lose feelings for me once I had moved here. Says he thinks he wasn't ready to live with me. I asked if he would be willing to try to work things out, but he replied thinking it wouldn't help as he doesn't have feelings for me. He ended up returning to work, so the conversation kind of ended. The weekend went by without any reference to what happened. We had sex Saturdaynight, like there was nothing wrong.

By the way, I'm planning a trip to Canada in the first week of June (for my uncle's wedding), and I saw in their Facebook messages about seeing each other and what they should do while I'm away. I'm scared that if go now, they're gonna hook up and do some things I don't want to think about...

I really don't know what to do at this point. I want to get marriage counseling and see if that helps, but my husband seems reluctant to try anything and just basically thinks it's over (probably due to this girl). They haven't done anything it seems, but they doseem to like each other. I love my husband from the bottom of my heart and do not want to lose him. I would be completely devastated if we divorced. I can't imagine NOT being with him everyday. He's my soulmate… But this girl…

I don't want advice in relation to immigration (ROC and such). I know what I'd have to do. I just don't know whether I should completely give up, move out and let him be with this girl, or fight for him, go through marriage counseling and such and try to work things out. Any advice on what I should do?

UPDATE (from this post later on http://www.visajourn...05#entry5362905 ) :

Sorry I've been gone for an hour... My husband finally got home. And despite being nervous and spending most of the conversation in silence, we spoke.

I brought up seeing the comment last week. I asked what was going on. At first, he denied anything. He said it was her just being silly and when I asked why he didn't tab back to Facebook after, he said he thought I'd take it the wrong way. I finally told him I saw his messages with her and knew he was lying. I don't remember much, still very shaken up. He tried skirting around saying he didn't like her and he had only visited her once or twice. Not sure.... The conversation ended with me asking him if he wanted a divorce or not. At the end, he said it would be in both our best interests.... Guess I'm getting divorced then....

So sorry; that stinks! Cheating is about the worst thing a person can do; marriage is about committment!

[Saylin 1,605]

Hi Saylin;

We've been talking so you know my feelings on this.

Hugs Dear.

You have tremendous support in this group.

You have earned it.

Refiner's gold. Life tries you until you are pure gold. And I know you will make it through all of this... it just takes times, tears and eventually a lot of strength and self-respect.

As you know, I work in the legal field. Your husband has responsibilities and obligations that he took on both through your marriage vows and through the AOS.

Perhaps you can get some assistance drawing up a good separation agreement that will allow you to complete your schooling, finance a reasonable living until that is complete, allow you the privacy of your own home and not constant exposure to a heartbreaking situation. I can provide you with the foundations of an agreement that you can modify to your heart's content and to his as well. The car or a reliable car sounds like a good plan as well. DO finish your studies - you gave it up once - don't short-change yourself now. That gets tired very fast and you mentioned you have student loans - no sense wasting them or acruing more.

Once you have a separation agreement that meets both your approval. Get it signed and registered in a local Court. That would make it more enforceable if the terms were not met.

If he is requested to provide strong support until one year after your schooling is done - allowing you to establish yourself - then he might be more amendable to that strong support now as opposed to something long and drawn out.

Keep in touch and, if you want, I can give you a framework of separations clauses to begin the process.

Love you Hon. Will support you anyway I can. Pain and growth sadly do go together.

As someone on here has said tonight - watch your health and your food - they help to keep you strong and sure through these stormy seas.

Hugs,

G

If you could draw something up like what you mentioned, I would HIGHLY appreciate it! It would be nice if he supported me some way while I remained here in town for one more year and build up some savings and such. Just message me this if you can. I'll probably ask you some legal questions too, since you're in that field.

[Kevin y Carmen 0]

Saylin, I am so sorry for you.

Please Be strong.

[Darnell 8,479]

i say divorce and move. Hint - there are 11 poutine shops in Austin, TX.

[ducky06 0]

Hey I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Although it's a hard decision it seems like you made the right one based on your husband's reality, and I admire you for having the guts to face that reality. As others have said, focus on yourself and what you need right now. You deserve that positive attention and self-love!

[torontogal4388 20]

If you could draw something up like what you mentioned, I would HIGHLY appreciate it! It would be nice if he supported me some way while I remained here in town for one more year and build up some savings and such. Just message me this if you can. I'll probably ask you some legal questions too, since you're in that field.

Not a prob. Will send it from work tomorrow. It's huge and covers every angle possible. But you are smart enough to pick and choose what should go in and how to change it to N. Dakota law references. The research is not hard to do to line it up with their law base.

You need to think seriously about what support you need along with your own earnings and a monthly income that he can reasonably carry. You said he lived with his parents before - perhaps he could return there until you are through and the additional year is over. Then he would not be paying for that apartment and you could get something small and convenient to the school location. Take some of the furniture from your current apartment too - you'll need some stuff to set up a little place of your own.

ah... we'll talk further.

Hugs Kiddo.

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Hi Saylin;

We've been talking so you know my feelings on this.

Hugs Dear.

You have tremendous support in this group.

You have earned it.

Refiner's gold. Life tries you until you are pure gold. And I know you will make it through all of this... it just takes times, tears and eventually a lot of strength and self-respect.

As you know, I work in the legal field. Your husband has responsibilities and obligations that he took on both through your marriage vows and through the AOS.

Perhaps you can get some assistance drawing up a good separation agreement that will allow you to complete your schooling, finance a reasonable living until that is complete, allow you the privacy of your own home and not constant exposure to a heartbreaking situation. I can provide you with the foundations of an agreement that you can modify to your heart's content and to his as well. The car or a reliable car sounds like a good plan as well. DO finish your studies - you gave it up once - don't short-change yourself now. That gets tired very fast and you mentioned you have student loans - no sense wasting them or acruing more.

Once you have a separation agreement that meets both your approval. Get it signed and registered in a local Court. That would make it more enforceable if the terms were not met.

If he is requested to provide strong support until one year after your schooling is done - allowing you to establish yourself - then he might be more amendable to that strong support now as opposed to something long and drawn out.

Keep in touch and, if you want, I can give you a framework of separations clauses to begin the process.

Love you Hon. Will support you anyway I can. Pain and growth sadly do go together.

As someone on here has said tonight - watch your health and your food - they help to keep you strong and sure through these stormy seas.

Hugs,

G

Best advice on here so far!!

Think with your head now

who were you going to fight for him...him?

you are young, school smart, and have the option of living in the u.S. legally (the world is your oyster) just need to think in different ways from now on. Starting with what is good for you...not about him and what he is doing. From what you write he already checked out of the relationship. It's now time to think and plan what is good for

Saylin.

I wish you the best.

[Saylin 1,605]

i say divorce and move. Hint - there are 11 poutine shops in Austin, TX.

I was thinking once I'm done my studies: Florida or Cali

Not a prob. Will send it from work tomorrow. It's huge and covers every angle possible. But you are smart enough to pick and choose what should go in and how to change it to N. Dakota law references. The research is not hard to do to line it up with their law base.

You need to think seriously about what support you need along with your own earnings and a monthly income that he can reasonably carry. You said he lived with his parents before - perhaps he could return there until you are through and the additional year is over. Then he would not be paying for that apartment and you could get something small and convenient to the school location. Take some of the furniture from your current apartment too - you'll need some stuff to set up a little place of your own.

ah... we'll talk further.

Hugs Kiddo.

Thanks, I'll be waiting for it. And I live in South, not North, Dakota

And his mom lives in a town like 2 hours away. Wouldn't work with his job.

*hugs*

[The Rice King 1]

Why you offered him the choice of a divorce? Re-invent your self. Become his fantasy. He seems bore with you. Sorry honey but I have to be honest. Anyways hang in there. Stay soft and sweet.... If he is still having sex with you then he still likes you but your personality probably bores him. Try different things. Put a wig on or something... Sorry if my comments sound harsh but I am not going to say what everyone else thinks is correct and take sides. There is a side to every coin. Am I wrong or correct? I might be one of the two but not both. Only she knows it better than anyone. You asked for advice I gave it to you... you can take it or leave it and take your chances.

Good luck

[sanyata 16]

Saylin, As tough as it is to realize, you are on the right path now. There are a few thoughts I'd like to offer. He betrayed your trust which means he betrayed one of the cornerstones of the foundation for marriage. He betrayed you, your marriage and someday he'll hopefully realize he betrayed himself. All the pain you feel is the start of the grieving process. Let the feelings flow, as gut wrenching as they are it is the pathway to health and future happiness.... so grieve. Lastly, know that a big part of the loss you feel is that of losing the dream. We all go into our marriages on the highest of highs with dreams of everlasting love. The loss of that dream is as devastating as the betrayal itself. Please know you have a lot of thoughts and prayers from everyone here. God bless......

[canada_socks 97]

Why you offered him the choice of a divorce? Re-invent your self. Become his fantasy. He seems bore with you. Sorry honey but I have to be honest. Anyways hang in there. Stay soft and sweet.... If he is still having sex with you then he still likes you but your personality probably bores him. Try different things. Put a wig on or something... Sorry if my comments sound harsh but I am not going to say what everyone else thinks is correct and take sides. There is a side to every coin. Am I wrong or correct? I might be one of the two but not both. Only she knows it better than anyone. You asked for advice I gave it to you... you can take it or leave it and take your chances.

Good luck

Why should she have to change herself to get him to change his feelings? The problem isn't her...it is obviously with him. Becoming a Stepford Wife is not the answer!

Saylin, this must be very difficult for you. It would be a hard decision to divorce after leaving your family and home country behind for him and after going through this whole immigration process. In the end, it may be the better choice, and is best you found out now rather than later on down the road. Keep your head up high and keep as positive as you can through this process. You are a great person, and you deserve better!

*hugs* Keep strong!

Edited May 9, 2012 by sherrybaby

[Dave and Kinnari 31]

I just logged back in after 4-5 months away and I saw this post and could not believe what I am reading! You helped us out a ton during our immigration process!

Clearly after reading your post the relationship is over...

I wish you all the best Saylin, you'll find your diamond in the rough.Stay strong, your a beautiful person...inside and out.

--Dave and Kinnari

Edited May 9, 2012 by Dave and Kinnari

[Ryan H 3,834]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you, wishing you the best going forward and for your future.

[Saylin 1,605]

Saylin, As tough as it is to realize, you are on the right path now. There are a few thoughts I'd like to offer. He betrayed your trust which means he betrayed one of the cornerstones of the foundation for marriage. He betrayed you, your marriage and someday he'll hopefully realize he betrayed himself. All the pain you feel is the start of the grieving process. Let the feelings flow, as gut wrenching as they are it is the pathway to health and future happiness.... so grieve. Lastly, know that a big part of the loss you feel is that of losing the dream. We all go into our marriages on the highest of highs with dreams of everlasting love. The loss of that dream is as devastating as the betrayal itself. Please know you have a lot of thoughts and prayers from everyone here. God bless......

Thank you very much for those kind words. I've never had to go through this before, so it's tough. Obviously. But I think I've gotten to the point of acceptance now. Which is the first step in that process thingy (like what alcoholics go through, lol).

[Saylin 1,605]

Why should she have to change herself to get him to change his feelings? The problem isn't her...it is obviously with him. Becoming a Stepford Wife is not the answer!

Saylin, this must be very difficult for you. It would be a hard decision to divorce after leaving your family and home country behind for him and after going through this whole immigration process. In the end, it may be the better choice, and is best you found out now rather than later on down the road. Keep your head up high and keep as positive as you can through this process. You are a great person, and you deserve better!

*hugs* Keep strong!

Thanks for the reply to that person. Don't know why I'd have to change Not to be full of myself, but I think I'm pretty cool...

And thanks for your words. I have to keep telling myself it's the best.. Still trying to let it all soak in. Gonna be hard the next few days I'm sure...

*hugs*

I just logged back in after 4-5 months away and I saw this post and could not believe what I am reading! You helped us out a ton during our immigration process!

Clearly after reading your post the relationship is over...

I wish you all the best Saylin, you'll find your diamond in the rough.Stay strong, your a beautiful person...inside and out.

--Dave and Kinnari

Thank you very much for this

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you, wishing you the best going forward and for your future.

Thank you