Should I give up or fight for him?

[Saylin 1,605]

(I apologize now for the length)

I thought I would never have to write a topic like this. I've seen similar topics and I would always feel so sad for the person, and never thought it would happen to me. But alas, it has…

Before I delve into my current situation, I want to give a bit of a back story. My husband (Ben) and I first met in January 2010 through a mutual friend on Facebook. He added me and we began to talk for hours every day. Two months after Ben added me, we finally arranged for me to come visit him in the US. I had started to develop feelings for him, but didn't act on it as I was still in a relationship at the time (but it had gone very sour for the past few months). By the end of that five day visit though, I realized I couldn't keep these feelings to myself. So Ben and I talked about we both having feelings for each other. A few days later, I finally broke up with my boyfriend (which I had been wanting to do for awhile…). Ben and I then began discussing how our relationship would work as he was inthe US and I was in Canada. We thought the fiancé or marriage visa would be the right way to go. And on my next visit to the US (just a few weeks after my first visit), we got engaged on April 16. I visited him I believe two more times, just for the weekend as I was in school still. Then, I came down to the US for a 3 month visit, in which, near the beginning, on May 21^st we got married. After I returned back to Canada in August 2010, and after 2 denials at the border, we filed for the I-130. Nine months later, and five visits with Ben coming up to Canada, I had my visa in hand and moved to the US in May 2011.

At the beginning, once I got there, things seemed fine. We both had good times, and were romantic. Then, sometime around the fall of that year (2011), I noticed Ben was more distant, romantically. We still had good times and such, but he wasn't holding my hand anymore, no kisses, no long hugs, nothing. The only "romantic" thing we had was sex, although it seemed more like we were having it because of his hormones, not that he wanted to be close with me or anything.

Then, in early December of 2011, he told me that he hadn't been happy for awhile and that his feelings for me had changed. He thought that it was because we rushed into things too fast. I told him in response that I still loved him, and despite what he felt, I knew what we were getting into when we married and I moved here. After that, we didn't talk about "it". After about 2 weeks of some awkwardness, we went back to normal (and by normal, I mean without the romantic emotions and stuff, but just having a good time). I even "dressed up" for Valentine's, hoping it would spark something, but alas, I don't think it did. We still continued to have sex, but again, like before, I think he just wanted it because of his hormones, nothing else.

Fast forward to the night of May 3^rd (last Thursday). We both have computers facing opposite walls. So, if I turn around from mine, I'm facing his. So, I was bored that night and turned around and he was getting links from a friend on Facebook that went to this DamnLOL site (just funny pictures and comics, and such). Anyways, I was leaning over his shoulder looking at the site with him and laughing. Then, he tabbed back to Facebook as his friend sent him another message. It said something along the lines of: "I'm going to take a shower, want to come with?". My husband quickly tabbed back to the site, thinking I hadn't noticed it. But I did. He then did not tab back to Facebook. I couldn't believe what I had just seen. It was late, so I told him I was going to bed, and he agreed that it was late and we should. Iturned back to my computer to close my tabs, when I saw in the reflection of my monitor screen that he had finally tabbed back to Facebook.

The next morning, while he was inthe shower, I looked on his phone and he had a text message from the girl saying that she had hoped I hadn't killed him. She didn't reference the comment from last night, but I figured she meant that. Unfortunately, my husband deletes his text messages every day, so that was the only message from the girl. I didn't have school that morning, so when I finally got out of bed a few hours later, I decided to check his Facebook messages to see what happened after I had turned around last night. I was able to guess his password fairly easily. What I saw horrified me. I'll admit, I did not feel comfortable snooping around, but I needed to know what was going on. Don't know if I feel better knowing or not. Anyways, it seems like he likes this girl. And for awhile, it seems like they've been planning trips to see each other (she lives in a town 2 hours away) on the weekend, around my work schedule! I just couldn't believe it as he had never mentioned going to this town, so there must have been a reason why he kept it quiet. I also found more "I'm taking a shower, want to come" comments from the girl. And there was a lot of "when/if themarriage ends" comments… And much more.

I decided to text my husband at work. I opened up with wondering if he had thought anymore about our marriage since we hadn't talked since December. He said that he no longer had feelings for me. I asked if he liked or had feelings for anyone else, and he replied with "no, that's not it". Which I was confused by as I saw some messages on Facebook with this girl that would seem to indicate otherwise. But I didn't confront him about this girl. He mentioned that it felt like we were just two friends living together. Which I have to disagree with in some aspects, unless it's friends with benefits.... Anyways we talked for about 2 hours through texts. Seems like he started to lose feelings for me once I had moved here. Says he thinks he wasn't ready to live with me. I asked if he would be willing to try to work things out, but he replied thinking it wouldn't help as he doesn't have feelings for me. He ended up returning to work, so the conversation kind of ended. The weekend went by without any reference to what happened. We had sex Saturdaynight, like there was nothing wrong.

By the way, I'm planning a trip to Canada in the first week of June (for my uncle's wedding), and I saw in their Facebook messages about seeing each other and what they should do while I'm away. I'm scared that if go now, they're gonna hook up and do some things I don't want to think about...

I really don't know what to do at this point. I want to get marriage counseling and see if that helps, but my husband seems reluctant to try anything and just basically thinks it's over (probably due to this girl). They haven't done anything it seems, but they doseem to like each other. I love my husband from the bottom of my heart and do not want to lose him. I would be completely devastated if we divorced. I can't imagine NOT being with him everyday. He's my soulmate… But this girl…

I don't want advice in relation to immigration (ROC and such). I know what I'd have to do. I just don't know whether I should completely give up, move out and let him be with this girl, or fight for him, go through marriage counseling and such and try to work things out. Any advice on what I should do?

UPDATE (from this post later on http://www.visajourn...05#entry5362905 ) :

Sorry I've been gone for an hour... My husband finally got home. And despite being nervous and spending most of the conversation in silence, we spoke.

I brought up seeing the comment last week. I asked what was going on. At first, he denied anything. He said it was her just being silly and when I asked why he didn't tab back to Facebook after, he said he thought I'd take it the wrong way. I finally told him I saw his messages with her and knew he was lying. I don't remember much, still very shaken up. He tried skirting around saying he didn't like her and he had only visited her once or twice. Not sure.... The conversation ended with me asking him if he wanted a divorce or not. At the end, he said it would be in both our best interests.... Guess I'm getting divorced then....

ANOTHER UPDATE (from this post later on http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/366975-should-i-give-up-or-fight-for-him/page__view__findpost__p__5365139 ) :

Sorry I've been away for a bit. I needed sleep last night, obviously. For all those that have responded since last night, thank you for your kind words. And Takis, that article was very interesting to say the least!

Anyways, a few updates:

Before going to bed last night, my husband emailed me. He told me that he had found this thread that I created (he was actually the one who found VJ originally, I've just stuck around a lot longer ). He read through most of it and said he finally woke up and realised what he did. He apologized. He says he knows he doesn't deserve anything, but he's now willing to try to work things out. And that he wants to get back to where we were before all this happened. He mentions that the stuff he said to the girl was wrong, and they're now history. And that he was sorry that it took mentioning divorce and this long thread to finally wake him up to reality.

We went back and forth in two or so more emails about me obviously not having much trust with him at the moment about what happened with the girl. He apologized and says he now realises that I'm actually worth trying to work things out. That he was too blinded by his lack of feelings to see how amazing I was.

Once I got to bed, after awhile of us tossing and turning, he began to cuddle me. And in the morning, before leaving for work, he hugged me for awhile and kissed me goodbye. He has done neither of these things in a very, very long time. So I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. And it's an indication that he's trying, so my hopes are up. He also mentioned today he knows what he's going to get me for our anniversary (coming up on May 21). And that he's going to take me out to a nearby city to celebrate. So, possibly a good turn around, we'll see.

Guess I'll see how the next few days unfold and go from there. Do I trust him completely? No. But I'd like to think I can. And that we can try to work things out, instead of just resorting to divorce. It now seems he's willing to try, which is a good sign, compared to recently.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Saylin

[Anh map 2,098]

He's already disconnected from you. If he's not willing to own up to the problem(s) and work to fix them, then there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It's a huge fallacy that one person can change another.

It hurts, it stinks, but it's survivable.

Best of luck.

[Saylin 1,605]

He's already disconnected from you. If he's not willing to own up to the problem(s) and work to fix them, then there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It's a huge fallacy that one person can change another.

It hurts, it stinks, but it's survivable.

Best of luck.

I don't want to change him if that's how it came across. Do I wish he would change? Yes. But I know that change would have to come from him. I can only help. But I just don't know if he WANTS to...

Thanks for your words though... Every little bit helps at the moment...

[Sugarz.K.R 9]

Oh hunnie my heart go out to you, this is something i fear will happen but we dont know till it does happen. Hold on as much as you can for what you beleive in you heart to be true but dont let anyone take you for a fool. Being in a long distance relationship is a big excitment, it's like withholding all you have till that final moment again. Some people finally get together and then realise they miss that excitment and think they dont have feelings. You followed your heart and you left all you know behind to face this just doesn't seem fair. The only advice i can give is to pray about it and ask God to help you and show you the way (im not a Godly person but i beleive).

Best of luck...

[Army wife 9]

Well my dear Saylin...

First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about this and it breaks my heart to know that you have to go through this....

ooohhh, the things I want to say about him right now...

Everyone can only give you advice based on their life experiences. I as a strong Caribbean woman, would have put a 'certain thing' on lock-down a while back! (wink) lol

After having given up your life for this man, I can imagine the frustration you must be feeling... all of us may have been there at some point or the other.

The only thing I can tell you is listen to your heart... and NEVER let a man disrespect you like that!!! ALWAYS remember HOW MUCH you are worth! Think about what you would tell your daughter in that situation.

Talk to your family, if you can, and see how supportive they may be.... You never know.

It is either he wants to work it out, or he doesn't. That would include some counselling perhaps, and for that, you need a willing partner. I am a firm believer in that once a man wants a woman, he will fight for her. However, if a man can get what he wants from a woman, he will take it.

As my husband says; a man will only get away with what his woman allows him to do. You state your standards and what YOU want. He will respect you for it. Don't put off talking for long periods of time. It will only get worse.

AW

[Kazulie 132]

So sorry to read this!!!

Even more sorry for what I am about to say. You have stated numerous times in your post that he has said he no longer has feelings for you. No amount of therapy will change that. Therapy is for misunderstandings that are solvable.

I've read many of your posts. I know you're a smart girl. You know what you need to do. Move on. As much as you don't believe this/want to hear this right now, you will find love again.

Again, so sorry for what you are going through.

[CANtoUSlove 3]

Wow Saylin,

First off, let me say how truly sorry I am to hear such sad news. You have always been such a bright light for everyone here, and I don't think anyone (myself included) ever could have guessed this would happen to you.

If it were me, I would first try for councelling... There must have been something that made him fall in love with you in the beginning, or he wouldnt (or shouldn't) have proposed in the first place. Try to find that spark again.

If he's unwilling, and just seems to want to end things, I say do it. You don't want to spend the prime time of your youth on someone who isn't willing to do the same. I truly hope that he can see the err of his ways and understand what a mistake he's making. It seems to me that he is very immature in the world of marriage, and maybe some councelling will help him grow up a bit.

My thoughts are with you. Keep us posted!

And if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate.

[Aurelya 0]

Hello saylin,

It has to go both ways...If your husband doesn't have feelings anymore and want to divorce you can't force him to save your marriage if he doesn't want to.

He should have been honest with you and tell you what was going on (with that girl and about his feelings) instead of letting you find out by yourself. You should have a talk together to settle everything before he cheats on you and hurts you... A good relationship is based on honesty, if you leave the country and get yourself sick because you think your husband is cheating on you is not good at all. You are young and have time to build your life..., if your husband is willing to divorce i don't think any marriage counseling will work.

You have to make the right decision and what is the best for you! Take Care

[san diego 407]

I am sorry to hear this. I can give only prospective of a guy. I would give up because if feelings are lost it will only prolong the pain. You can try marriage counseling but usually it helps if you have problems of sexual nature or anger problems or constant arguments. It does not seem to be the case. I think it is a problem of rushing too fast into the relationship. It is true for ANY of the international couples since none of us had a chance to live together. In some cases couples are even stronger because they went through a lot while going through the visa process. In some cases you just don't have an opportunity to test your feelings, so chances of misfire are much higher. If there were problems that I mentioned it could work through counseling. In this case I do not believe so. I have my first marriage experience when I lived with my spouse for another 10 years after I realized that I did not have any more feelings. It does not get better but rather worse. Now, from ROC prospective I would definitely for through ROC. You got married in good faith and you have a full right for permanent green card. I would do that and then decide if you want to move to Canada or stay in US. This will give you more options.

[Saylin 1,605]

Oh hunnie my heart go out to you, this is something i fear will happen but we dont know till it does happen. Hold on as much as you can for what you beleive in you heart to be true but dont let anyone take you for a fool. Being in a long distance relationship is a big excitment, it's like withholding all you have till that final moment again. Some people finally get together and then realise they miss that excitment and think they dont have feelings. You followed your heart and you left all you know behind to face this just doesn't seem fair. The only advice i can give is to pray about it and ask God to help you and show you the way (im not a Godly person but i beleive).

Best of luck...

Thanks for your words I never thought we'd go through this as we loved each other so much. But for him, it might have just been an infatuation. And things unfolded once I got here because of that. I definitely don't want to be taken as a fool, but I don't entirely want to give up so this girl gets him...

[Marlon&Fallon 13]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like he has his mind made up. Doesn't seem like a lot you can do. You could try marriage counseling; However, if he does not agree with that, you may have to just give him what he wants and get a divorce.

[Saylin 1,605]

Well my dear Saylin...

First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear about this and it breaks my heart to know that you have to go through this....

ooohhh, the things I want to say about him right now...

Everyone can only give you advice based on their life experiences. I as a strong Caribbean woman, would have put a 'certain thing' on lock-down a while back! (wink) lol

After having given up your life for this man, I can imagine the frustration you must be feeling... all of us may have been there at some point or the other.

The only thing I can tell you is listen to your heart... and NEVER let a man disrespect you like that!!! ALWAYS remember HOW MUCH you are worth! Think about what you would tell your daughter in that situation.

Talk to your family, if you can, and see how supportive they may be.... You never know.

It is either he wants to work it out, or he doesn't. That would include some counselling perhaps, and for that, you need a willing partner. I am a firm believer in that once a man wants a woman, he will fight for her. However, if a man can get what he wants from a woman, he will take it.

As my husband says; a man will only get away with what his woman allows him to do. You state your standards and what YOU want. He will respect you for it. Don't put off talking for long periods of time. It will only get worse.

AW

Yeah, a big part of this devastating news is that I gave up my life in Canada (my family, my schooling, etc) and moved here all for him. And now this.. I'd have no where to stay if we separated, I'd have no way to get to school or work as he's been driving me around and there's no public transportation here. But I don't want to think about that unless it comes to it.

I know counselling would only work if he's willing, but it doesn't seem like he is, probably because he likes this girl, although he has yet to admit it to me...

[CANtoUSlove 3]

Thanks for your words I never thought we'd go through this as we loved each other so much. But for him, it might have just been an infatuation. And things unfolded once I got here because of that. I definitely don't want to be taken as a fool, but I don't entirely want to give up so this girl gets him...

But if things go the way they have with you, he might just do the same to her... Don't make yourself hurt worse just to keep him away from this particular girl... If it's not her, it may just be another.

[meno-is-mine 37]

Oh man, I'm reading this and I'm shocked and saddened that its happening to you. My first instinct was to find out what the problem was and if he wants to work things out, but it seems like you've tried that already and he's expressed no interest in repairing things. He's just lost interest for whatever reason (mostly from this online chick) and from what you described, has no interest in trying to get back to where you were. He's done you wrong by cheating (emotionally or otherwise). He sounds like he's made up his mind about not wanting to love you anymore so why hasn't he cut ties already? The empty sex you described shouldn't have gone on long (and perhaps thats why he hasn't cut off yet). He gets to fulfill his desires with no effort on his part.

It saddens me to say this but it sounds like its over. He doesn't want you the way you want him. If he wants to meet up with this chick and exchange inappropriate messages, he shouldn't do it with you still part of his life. Confront him and just be ready to deal with what comes next. You're a smart woman, don't let this man or any other take advantage of you like this. If he can't love you the way you need to be loved, then he's not worth it.

I'm so upset about this now. Its taken me almost 30 minutes to figure what I want to say. Best of luck Saylin. You deserve so much better than this.

[Saylin 1,605]

So sorry to read this!!!

Even more sorry for what I am about to say. You have stated numerous times in your post that he has said he no longer has feelings for you. No amount of therapy will change that. Therapy is for misunderstandings that are solvable.

I've read many of your posts. I know you're a smart girl. You know what you need to do. Move on. As much as you don't believe this/want to hear this right now, you will find love again.

Again, so sorry for what you are going through.

That's what I'm having problems with... I just can't accept what's going on yet...

And I definitely don't feel like I'd ever love anyone else again...