Hating fighting over this-- what now?

[yeppoyo 0]

Before I start, I wanted to say that I searched for this subject online, but thought that it did not relate to the situation that I'm in. Then I searched here and found a few threads and read them all, but I still don't think that it's the same, although it is more similar here because the people on this forum because most of us have gone through immigration including a wait time for their loved one to come to the US.

We met when we were in college. We entered in a relationship not thinking that it was going to be serious because we would have to separate soon, but we fell in love. Before we fell in love, we were just friends having sex, and he would tell me about stuff he's done in the past. He was actually teaching me how to do things because I wanted to learn. Well, I know from this part of our relationship that he's been with prostitues, cheated on past gfs when he was a teen, and he really likes anime porn.

It was ok, because I was new to him and having sex was all we did, no porn or being with other people.

When he went back and we were sure we were going to be serious, I didn't care if he watched porn, because, heck, people have needs and him masterbating is way better than him cheating!

So when I went to visit him, we were with eachother the whole time since we had rented a hotel together for the month or so that I was there in his country. I know he didn't watch porn during that time.

Again, when I came back to the US and we were doing our immigration process, porn was fine! I mean, we spent more than a half of a year away from eachother! I even would watch some of the porn that he likes, which is only Japanese porn.

When he actually got here, I thought it would stop like when I had come to visit him. Yes, we had a great sex life, but he was also watching porn when I went to work. He had a collection, and I was neutral about it at first.

But then it was really starting to bother me when I found porn downloads for new porn on our torrent downloader. I mean, seriously? I go to work all day (k-1 visa, I'm petitioner), I cook for you, and you download porn when I'm not there? So I tried asking if we can watch it together. He got awkward and told me definitely not. And a part of me knows that I would not have enjoyed it anyway, but I just hate that I'm not included.

Well, I confronted him that it's hurting me, and he didn't care because he said it was just entertainment. But it's like, the whole folders are filled with porn, pictures, books about it, manga, anime, etc. He was very open about having it, which also bothered me.

The things that bothered me about his porn:

1.) It's all the same type with the same type of girl: incredibly skinny Japanese and big fake breasted. I am a different race of Asian, not Japanese, pretty skinny but not ask skinny as them, and my breasts are average sized by american standards.

2.) He won't let me watch it with him when he knows that before I would watch some of the same type of porn and I am willing to try to work with that situation.

3.) Him imagining having sex with them. When I masterbate, I masterbate about HIM having sex with a porn star or myself. Now that in itself makes me feel confused and the whole situation is warped.

4.) He said that if I didn't have to work and was with him when he felt horney, which is apparently not in the morning or night, but in the middle of the day, he would give up porn for good.

I have a really high sex drive. I get annoyed when he's too tired or something to do it and it's been a couple of days. So I would get hurt at the fact that he can not be in the mood for sex, but still be in the mood for porn when I'm gone. I mean, come on now!

It was really stressing me out, and there was a time when he actually got really angry at me for being sad about it, and that really made me stressed out. That night when I came home, I had an anxiety attack and was crying uncontrollably until I couldn't breathe (not just from this, but a lot of other things including work and finances), and I passed out. He was so worried about me and when I finally woke up, he told me that he would do it no more because he loved me and did not know it was so devastating to me. I told him he doesn't have to because it's my problem that I'm hurt from it, but he promised he would give it up because he would do anything to see me not hurt like this. I told him that it was the real porn that bothered me because he would know their names and such. I did not care about the anime porn. He said that was more than enough for him. Then he deleted everything he had.

After that, our marriage was great. We never had problems with it. I suspected that maybe in the years to come he would look at it, but for now this was ok. He would watch anime and manga porn. Didn't care about that so much. It's just a drawing.

It's been a while since then, and when I was looking for a picture that I had downloaded, I found a folder labled "X". In there were a couple of real porn videos. He was not home at the time, so I just deleted it all and burst into tears. I managed to pull myself together that night, but the next day I guess he had went to go masturbate to the videos and they weren't there, and he treated me different. He didn't want to have sex. Treated me coldly. We have not talked about it because I do not want to fight, and it seems like things are getting better now, but our sex is kind of mechanical these past two days since it's happened. I don't want this. I want a fun sex life. I don't want our marriage to erode over something like this either. We went through so much for him to get here with me.

Any thoughts? What should I on my part do now?

[Amby 490]

Any thoughts? What should I on my part do now?

Become a real Asian

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

What is Anime Porn?

[Nagishkaw 510]

but the next day I guess he had went to go masturbate to the videos and they weren't there

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

I wish you good luck with your situation and really have no other suggestions but maybe...

Dont forget to edit your timeline

[Ban Hammer 13,552]

What is Anime Porn?

something i've never understood the fascination with.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I recommend this be moved to the "Introducing Our Members" sub-forum. In the meantime....

WELCOME TO VJ!!!!!!!!!!

[Army wife 9]

This is the problem with pornography!

It erodes intimacy and kills marriages...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Personally I would leave him but only because of my values and the fact that he is doing something to hurt you, intentionally. Cancel AOS (if it's still processing) and leave. He's seen the SERIOUS reaction you had to this. You passed out, that's not good, and yet he still quite brazenly continues to download stuff that he knows physically hurts you. But then I am pretty cut and dry about respect given the hell I went through with my ex.

Alternatively you could suggest he sees someone about his addiction. You could put filters on the computer that prevent him searching for that stuff (parental controls) but if he doesn't WANT to change you can't make him.

Another alternative is to get a different computer and don't look at the one he's on. Out of sight out of mind and just live with it.

Or, as a not-so-serious suggestion you could get breast implants and go to the gym and tone up/lose weight. You'll find that that still won't be enough. He likes the mystery of these girls. Scenarios he can control. You'll never be "as good" as the girls in the movies because they're acting, you're living a real life. Real like can't be like a porn movie 24/7 and he just needs to watch that sometimes to get himself off.

The main problem is you established this was okay from the beginning of your relationship. You don't say that you said to HIM that you were okay with it only when you weren't together so it's not unusual that he didn't realise this would be a problem. You can't control his every thought and desire and neither can he control yours. You either live with the knowledge he likes to watch porn and yet chooses to live with and love you, or you obsess about this. If everything was okay before you found the porn stash then it wasn't affecting your relationship with him. Except you mention sometimes he's too tired for it.. which even without porn CAN happen but as he doesn't work its easy for you to assume this is due to porn. SO instead set some ground rules. "No getting yourself off if I'm going to be home in X hours and then you can jump me when I get home". Maybe sending naughty texts to each other to get you ready for it. The problem is if YOU feel too tired for it he could get resentful that he waited and you weren't "there for him". Or he could resent HAVING to wait for you and waiting for his mood to pass. But he's an adult and should be able to practice some semblance of self-control.

[spookyturtle 9,466]

If memory serves me correctly, I think this was posted before, maybe a year or so ago? Same person?

[aaydrian 479]

I would have thought after a hard day at work, cleaning & cooking you would be happy your husband just wants to sleep.

[Dan and Judy 614]

What is Anime Porn?

cartoons instead of real people.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

What is Anime Porn?

I believe it's called Hentai or something like that. I'm too scared to google it to check

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

If it were not Japanese porn I would say it is nothing to worry about, but that is wierd. Maybe try amateur or something. Even oldies porn is better than Anime. Yuck.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Become a real Asian

A cartoon Asian