Dealing with family drama

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

mrsbourffada

It is MrsBourffada, right?

You believe in your husband and your marriage...then the rest of the family would need to give him a chance and meet him. IF they still cant get accustom to whom you chose as your husband, then you are 26, your own adult and need to focus more on your (now)Visa, marriage and future.

Good for your mother supporting you. On FB? well if that is the way you and the family communicates it is a start...

I quote

"My husband is a Muslim man and it was extremely hard for my Mom and Dad to come to terms with the fact that I married a him"

I believe maybe your siblings most likely get their example from your parents

Children are lead by example...but adults can make up their own minds, So hopefully with your mother showing support the other members might see you have found happiness and open there hearts to your situation. and OMGolly he is Muslim!!!

Your young. Dont take on the world's issues. Just continue to be a good person and grow with your husband.

Good Luck!

[bigdog 376]

Its our life you make it together. If others do don"t want to play so be it.

[aayitrun 66]

if your family wants to be a jerk to you, then u should stop talking to them. i hate it when family is unsupportive of their own siblings and stuff because of things like religion. i married out of religion and my family loves my wife to death and so do her parents love me.

[Nicoco 26]

I think a lot of us can understand. My family thought I was crazy in the beginning for keeping a long distance relationship, staying in thailand for three months, paying for immigration, marrying out of my religion, and marrying so young. They didnt trust me and my actions with him at all. I think most of the concern was actually over we would actually make it through the process and the fact that they had only met him once before he left. Also our age. But since he has gotten here, he has grown to be part of my family and they love him as a member of the family. I am glad that it turned out not to be an issue in the end.

[Visitor 90]

How many of you here have seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? Well I LIVED IT!!

OK so we didn't get married in the Greek church and we didn't baptise my husband in the little swimming pool in the Greek Church we still took him to the church.

I was born and raised in Australia but all my family are Greek. I'm first generation Australian on my father's side and second generation Australian on my mother's side so dad was born in Greece and mum was born in Australia and her parents were born in Greece. When I took my American born husband to Australia to meet my big fat Greek family it was like living the movie. All my extended family came out to meet him at my parent's place in one weekend. My husband had a different person sitting in front of him every half hour for 2 days straight. He even started understanding the Greek language. We did nothing but eat eat and eat some more for weeks to follow. When we arrived there was a crowd of people to greet us at my parent's place and when I said "This is my husband" they all rushed him to kiss him all at one time. All this happened when the movie first came out and everyone asked us if we'd seen the movie. We said no so a few days after our arrival we went and watched the movie. OMG - my husband said if he had seen the movie before he married me he never would have married me. So much that happened in the movie happened to us in real life. Sitting down to dinner one night my mother asked my husband if he had enough to eat and when he said "Thank you - no more, I've had plenty" she said "OK I'll get you something". As he met my cousins he thought it was great that all the girls were named Ann or some variation of it like Marianne or Dianne and all the boys were named Brett or Victor which is the same translated into Greek. I think it would have been harder for us if the movie hadn't softened the blow for us as I was first in a long line of Australian/Greeks to marry outside of our culture at the time. I came home with a xeno. The movie made life easier for everyone to not only accept but embrace my xeno husband. We suddenly felt like and were being treated like celebrities.

Not to make light of your situation but just lightening the mood with my story here. I think after your family meet your husband and sees your happiness they will eventually come around. In the meantime they are just cooling their heels waiting to see how he treats you. They will come around in time. Suggest you don't talk about sex, politics or religion.

[mrsbourffada 3]

I would like to thank everyone for sharing their personal stories here. It has made me feel A LOT better. I don't know why I thought that my family were the only ones out there who are behaving like this. It's comforting to see that so many of you have faced very similar dramas! Thanks again for you kind words, and insight.

[B & G 200]

I can really relate to what you wrote. I had known and been communicating and repeatedly visiting Aaron for more than a year before I told my parents that he even existed, and that was the same conversation in which I told them that we had gotten engaged. (And no, telling them in advance of the wedding, and trying to help them feel included in my own way, did not help a bit.) Oh, and I'm 33, and have been living on my own for 13 years, and 800 miles away from them for almost 11.

They were, and are, furious about it, which really hurts. Part of it is definitely xenophobia and overprotectiveness: during the only phase in the conversation when my mother seemed to be vaguely aware that this was primarily about my life and not hers, the only things she could think of to tell me were: "black men [or did she say African? or both?] really like blonde women" (implying that he only likes me because I fulfill some sort of tired stereotype), and that (in her opinion) some people only get into interracial relationships because they enjoy opposition and want to make a statement (or something like that).

Part of it is also their religious/traditional values: I (supposedly) belong to them until they give me away to some deserving man who has conducted a closely supervised, parentally sanctioned, and very chaste courtship of me on my parents' couch, or something. HA! Apparently the last 13 years have taught them nothing about me at all.

But a lot of it is just that this does not fit their image of how their life would play out, and in many ways, I and my life only really exist to them as plot devices in their life. I didn't let them write the script or stage manage the performance, which in their minds equates to love, so I must not care. They have been intensely controlling my entire life, and something like this is when those tendencies tend to flare up the most.

We're kind of at an impasse now, and have been since I told them in January. My dad had originally wanted to communicate by email with Aaron (after declining to talk to him on the phone when I offered), which Aaron was willing to do, but I eventually decided not to facilitate that due to the high likelihood that my dad would say a lot of things he would really regret later after getting to know Aaron as a real person. That, and it is really beneath my dignity as an adult to sit idly by and let other people discuss/think they are determining MY future. I think they may come here to visit in a few weeks, and if they do, I may arrange a conversation between all of us and Aaron via webcam, having told him ahead of time that I may abruptly disconnect if they get out of hand. I do want them to feel included, but not if that requires relinquishing my ownership of my own life, or hurts Aaron.

So...family harmony is important, but everyone in your family is currently mourning the demise of their vision of how you would fit into their lives and the choices you would make (as you are mourning the demise of your vision of how they would behave during this exciting time in your life!), so give them some time to work through their emotions. Once he is here, they may be ready to calm down and interact more.

I read an article the other day that said, "Your parents don’t want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn’t always the same thing." They would much rather you do things in your life that are acceptable, safe, normal, and good enough, but you owe it to yourself to do the thing that is a risk but has the potential to give you the best possible, fully realized version of your life.

I couldn't agree with you more!! When I told my parents about my fiancee, then boyfriend there was screaming and yelling and threats of disownment, just because I chose a path in life that did not stick to their plans. I just plainly told them, I either chose my happiness or yours. I chose mine.

[Holly2234 66]

My family is behaving in a similar way. My mother specifically. Not because i'm married to an American, its not a huge cultural difference so there wasn't much to come to terms with there. Its because i'm moving to America. We live in the UK together at the moment but everybody seemed to think we would live here forever (jobless, carless and pennyless on a council estate in the armpit of the East Midlands I dont think so!). Im not sure if they thought we would be happy with that kind of life in the long term. My husband has never really wanted to live here, he did it for me. But the time has come for us to go and she seems to think its the end of the world.

I have explained the reasons and shrugged off any guilt trips. In the end, i'm an adult and a mother myself so i need to do what's best for my own family now. She attempted to ruin my wedding too so i never really have forgiven her for that! That was more because she thought i was too young to get married.

In the end, we are all capable of making our own decisions who we marry, what kind of life we lead and the main thing should be our happiness.

If you and your husband are happy, enjoy every moment of your lives together and prove those who didn't accept it wrong.

[Tinchen_ 21]

I would like to thank everyone for sharing their personal stories here. It has made me feel A LOT better. I don't know why I thought that my family were the only ones out there who are behaving like this. It's comforting to see that so many of you have faced very similar dramas! Thanks again for you kind words, and insight.

hello Mrs. Bourffada .. i read your thread and im sorry to hear that. i bet you just want your fiance to be with you so that you two can get married and wanna share the excitement and joy with your family.

when you wrote your sister for example never says anything when you two are together.

maybe it helps when you just call them out on it. like ask them directly on point what their problem is with your fiance. and maybe you can take some concerns away from them. when you explain it to them.

maybe next time you skype together your sister or mom could be there as well and try to talk to him to get to know him.

i saw that ur fiance is from morroco. i been there so many times and have some friends who are from morroco and it is a beautiful country and culture. ppl are very friendly and nice there.

my old neighborhood friend married someone from morroco as well. and her family didnt liked him at all, the whole village talked about it and was against it. she told me that it was hard for him at the beginning, but he stayed all friendly and killed the mean things with kindness. he is such a cool fun nice person, there was no way ppl couldnt like him. her family came around slowly. but they did.

i really hope your family will come around and accept him... i wish you two the best stay strong

[afoyoswa 178]

Little update (and wanted to bump this thread, since there is plenty of family drama on this site and it's good to have a place to talk about it):

My mom announced last Friday that they are indeed coming to visit: turns out after much questioning it will be this coming Friday evening, for the weekend. Not much time. My aim is going to be being very matter of fact about everything and making it clear that THIS IS HAPPENING, end of story. My plan so far (haven't told them: I think it will go better if I just make a "here's what we're going to do!" speech when they get here) is to have all of us talk to Aaron via webcam, and to go visit the church where the wedding will be and (this was my brainstorm) meet with my minister. He is a wonderfully calming person, and I'm hoping that we can get a conversation going about the whole issue with him present. It's not like anything's going to change my parents, but it could calm them down enough for me to be able to work with them, and at the very least I'll have an eyewitness to their wily ways. And as a bonus, I'll tell them about and offer to show them my wedding dress if they behave.

This is what I am willing to do to make them feel included. I think it's quite a lot, and they won't, but that's how it is.

What really sucks about all of this drama is that I really could better use all of this energy I'm wasting standing up to my parents to continue strengthening my relationship with Aaron. I know we are solid, love each other very deeply, are committed to the relationship and sharing our lives, etc. etc. etc. but nothing is ever a sure thing, and it wears me down feeling like I'm having to defend something that needs building and fortifying at this point rather than (their) battering, attacking, and hurling projectiles. Wouldn't it be more befitting my parents' supposed status as the Ultimate and Infinitely Sagacious Arbiters Of Everything to, you know, give me some guidance and support for this transition, rather than taking turns throwing hissy fits?

Edited May 14, 2012 by afoyoswa

[TBoneTX 45,301]

Good plans, and good luck, si man. Keep us apprised.

[KTandTommy 31]

How many of you here have seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? Well I LIVED IT!!

OK so we didn't get married in the Greek church and we didn't baptise my husband in the little swimming pool in the Greek Church we still took him to the church.

I was born and raised in Australia but all my family are Greek. I'm first generation Australian on my father's side and second generation Australian on my mother's side so dad was born in Greece and mum was born in Australia and her parents were born in Greece. When I took my American born husband to Australia to meet my big fat Greek family it was like living the movie. All my extended family came out to meet him at my parent's place in one weekend. My husband had a different person sitting in front of him every half hour for 2 days straight. He even started understanding the Greek language. We did nothing but eat eat and eat some more for weeks to follow. When we arrived there was a crowd of people to greet us at my parent's place and when I said "This is my husband" they all rushed him to kiss him all at one time. All this happened when the movie first came out and everyone asked us if we'd seen the movie. We said no so a few days after our arrival we went and watched the movie. OMG - my husband said if he had seen the movie before he married me he never would have married me. So much that happened in the movie happened to us in real life. Sitting down to dinner one night my mother asked my husband if he had enough to eat and when he said "Thank you - no more, I've had plenty" she said "OK I'll get you something". As he met my cousins he thought it was great that all the girls were named Ann or some variation of it like Marianne or Dianne and all the boys were named Brett or Victor which is the same translated into Greek. I think it would have been harder for us if the movie hadn't softened the blow for us as I was first in a long line of Australian/Greeks to marry outside of our culture at the time. I came home with a xeno. The movie made life easier for everyone to not only accept but embrace my xeno husband. We suddenly felt like and were being treated like celebrities.

Not to make light of your situation but just lightening the mood with my story here. I think after your family meet your husband and sees your happiness they will eventually come around. In the meantime they are just cooling their heels waiting to see how he treats you. They will come around in time. Suggest you don't talk about sex, politics or religion.

Haha... that movie is so much like my big fat ITALIAN family When I brought Tom (who has no siblings, and is not really close with his extended family) home, it was such a culture shock to him, but he loved it!