Dealing with family drama

[mrsbourffada 3]

Recently my Mother posted on facebook that she is excited to get the opportunity to celebrate my marriage when my husband and I are reunited here in the US. My husband is a Muslim man and it was extremely hard for my Mom and Dad to come to terms with the fact that I married a him, but they seem to have managed it. I can't say they are 100% on board,or elated at the idea, but they have accepted my choice and are waiting to pass judgment until they meet him (I can live with all that). However, my siblings are completely out to lunch on this. My sister got angry with my Mom for showing "public" support of my marriage to all our friends and family. However, when she's around me, she doesn't say ONE word about it, and certainly doesn't act as if it bothers her. My brother, has confronted me about marrying a Muslim, and has made it very clear that he is upset. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks.

I am trying to figure how my own actions might have changed the course of this dramatic scene that's playing out in my life, and I'm beginning to think that maybe I was very wrong for not giving anyone a heads up before I got married. I knew about their personal beliefs, and knew that they were already freaking out just knowing I was in a Muslim country. I thought I was actually doing the right thing by not telling them until I got home, because in their minds I was living in a hut and probably got traded to a man for two goats. I tried so many times while I was over there Skyping with them to say that I had met someone that I wanted to marry, but I could never muster the courage to do it. So, I went ahead and got married without my family knowing any better, and didn't tell them until I had been home a week. I don't actually know if telling them would change anything, but I guess I am just reaching out to see if anyone else ran into utter drama when they married outside of their family's comfort zone and how do you deal with it without causing rifts in your family?

I want to have a family that not only includes my husband and my parents, but my siblings as well. They are a big part of my life and it goes without saying that I love them. However, a huge part of me seems to be screaming that it was none of their business who I married, I don't owe them an explanation for my actions. Thus far, I have just been keeping quiet and hoping the whole thing will blow over. *SIGH*.... feels good to put this stuff down in this forum, and get it out of my head!

[TBoneTX 45,284]

Is everyone a legal adult?

You cannot be responsible for the attitudes of others.

People can take our freedom, our money, our livelihood, our possessions, and whatever else... but they can take our attitudes only if we let them.

Si, man?

[feli114 65]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I woul say there are at least 100 couples on this site in your situation. My sister never comes right out ans says she disapproves, but when I mention my fiance, there is a dead silence on the phone. So, I try not to discuss my happiness with her. I understand you wanting your family to accept your husband, but you have to accept the fact that some of them may never come around. You have chosen to marry and have your own new family. Don't let anyone steal your joy. I wish you all the hapiness in the world!

[AmyWrites 593]

My family was really against my relationship with Max at first, they thought that all Russian men are scammers who beat their wives and stuff. Then they saw he's helped me so much here in Russia and has taken care of me, and they were okay with him, but once they met him, even better! I think once they have a chance to see your SO it'll be easier too. It's just hard to have a good idea of how your daughter's/sister's/family member's husband is when you only have known him through what others have told you.

[PantomimeGoose 59]

Though I don't know your fam's specific circumstances (i.e. Are their issues purely religious/xenophobic) I think foreign marriage can be tough on the extended family in many ways. When I told my family we were getting married, their response was laughter and "Oh....." and this is to someone they had known I'd been dating for a few years, who they'd met, who they like, and who was from a relatively similar cultural background to us.

At the time, I was pretty hurt by their reactions. Having finally gotten through this process, I can see that some of it was fear about how tough this process would be on us, feeling hurt that they would miss out celebrating properly with us (which they did when we eloped in order to get the immigration ball rolling), worries about age differences, whether things would work out with the added stress of immigration and one of us always being far away from family, whether we would always be somewhere else on holidays, whether we would eventually disappear to the other side of the world to live.... Lots of things to worry about.

Hopefully some of their negativity is coming from a good place (love of you, that is) and will blow over when they can see for themselves that you're happy things are going to be alright for you two. If their objections are actually from some kind of prejudice or feelings that they should have been able to direct your decision well, the best revenge is a life well lived.

[nicky&imad 16]

It really is hard on a lot of people, not just family but friends also. My parents are ok with the idea of me marrying a foreign man, my mom is always asking, when is he coming?? LOL but they also have seen and talked with him over skype, so maybe it helps. As for my brother he doesn't like it.Maybe because he is an army man, and i have asked him to be his sponsor and he says no using the military and his job as an excuse, when really I know he thinks i am crazy, lol. My sister on the other hand likes him and has spoken with him also. I have a couple friends who think I losing my mind also, 2 of them went so far as to say when I went back for my 2nd visit he was going to kill me ( I think they were crazy at this point) and really it hurt my feelings so much. My best friend went through more then me, her parents were dead set against it and so was the rest of her family, except one of her aunts. So she only had support through me and a few people. Now her husband is here and her family have changed there minds since and they like him. My father always said... Never judge a book by it's cover and get to know the person before you make a decision. He always has good advice for me, lol. I am happy most of my family supports me, now if I can get my friends to do it, lol.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Recently my Mother posted on facebook that she is excited to get the opportunity to celebrate my marriage when my husband and I are reunited here in the US. My husband is a Muslim man and it was extremely hard for my Mom and Dad to come to terms with the fact that I married a him, but they seem to have managed it. I can't say they are 100% on board,or elated at the idea, but they have accepted my choice and are waiting to pass judgment until they meet him (I can live with all that). However, my siblings are completely out to lunch on this. My sister got angry with my Mom for showing "public" support of my marriage to all our friends and family. However, when she's around me, she doesn't say ONE word about it, and certainly doesn't act as if it bothers her. My brother, has confronted me about marrying a Muslim, and has made it very clear that he is upset. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks.

I am trying to figure how my own actions might have changed the course of this dramatic scene that's playing out in my life, and I'm beginning to think that maybe I was very wrong for not giving anyone a heads up before I got married. I knew about their personal beliefs, and knew that they were already freaking out just knowing I was in a Muslim country. I thought I was actually doing the right thing by not telling them until I got home, because in their minds I was living in a hut and probably got traded to a man for two goats. I tried so many times while I was over there Skyping with them to say that I had met someone that I wanted to marry, but I could never muster the courage to do it. So, I went ahead and got married without my family knowing any better, and didn't tell them until I had been home a week. I don't actually know if telling them would change anything, but I guess I am just reaching out to see if anyone else ran into utter drama when they married outside of their family's comfort zone and how do you deal with it without causing rifts in your family?

I want to have a family that not only includes my husband and my parents, but my siblings as well. They are a big part of my life and it goes without saying that I love them. However, a huge part of me seems to be screaming that it was none of their business who I married, I don't owe them an explanation for my actions. Thus far, I have just been keeping quiet and hoping the whole thing will blow over. *SIGH*.... feels good to put this stuff down in this forum, and get it out of my head!

This is why there is no Facebook in this house.

Good luck to you and your husband, I hope the other members of your family will come to understand that supporting their family and wishing them the best in life and not trying to make trouble for them is really all one needs to do.

[bahisgirl 11]

Good luck to you and your husband. I had a bit of a similar situation in that when my then fiance came to the US I had told my parents it was for a visit...well then we went to the JP and got married. I was torn at the time and decided not to tell them before we got married, I knew I would get grief because I was marrying someone whom they had only just met. But we were talking for over two years at that point and I knew it was right. So I decided to be happy and have our wedding day be just about the two of us and not involve the family drama. Well a few days later, as I told them, the drama certainly came out. And after a really akward month they finally realized that we were a package deal and I would have done it the same way 100 times over. Now...a year and a half later, they love and adore him. Even my sister who insisted I would be killed when I went to Morocco has admitted she was wrong about him...once they get to know him they will understand...and if not, shame on them.

Good luck,

Jackie

[afoyoswa 178]

I can really relate to what you wrote. I had known and been communicating and repeatedly visiting Aaron for more than a year before I told my parents that he even existed, and that was the same conversation in which I told them that we had gotten engaged. (And no, telling them in advance of the wedding, and trying to help them feel included in my own way, did not help a bit.) Oh, and I'm 33, and have been living on my own for 13 years, and 800 miles away from them for almost 11.

They were, and are, furious about it, which really hurts. Part of it is definitely xenophobia and overprotectiveness: during the only phase in the conversation when my mother seemed to be vaguely aware that this was primarily about my life and not hers, the only things she could think of to tell me were: "black men [or did she say African? or both?] really like blonde women" (implying that he only likes me because I fulfill some sort of tired stereotype), and that (in her opinion) some people only get into interracial relationships because they enjoy opposition and want to make a statement (or something like that).

Part of it is also their religious/traditional values: I (supposedly) belong to them until they give me away to some deserving man who has conducted a closely supervised, parentally sanctioned, and very chaste courtship of me on my parents' couch, or something. HA! Apparently the last 13 years have taught them nothing about me at all.

But a lot of it is just that this does not fit their image of how their life would play out, and in many ways, I and my life only really exist to them as plot devices in their life. I didn't let them write the script or stage manage the performance, which in their minds equates to love, so I must not care. They have been intensely controlling my entire life, and something like this is when those tendencies tend to flare up the most.

We're kind of at an impasse now, and have been since I told them in January. My dad had originally wanted to communicate by email with Aaron (after declining to talk to him on the phone when I offered), which Aaron was willing to do, but I eventually decided not to facilitate that due to the high likelihood that my dad would say a lot of things he would really regret later after getting to know Aaron as a real person. That, and it is really beneath my dignity as an adult to sit idly by and let other people discuss/think they are determining MY future. I think they may come here to visit in a few weeks, and if they do, I may arrange a conversation between all of us and Aaron via webcam, having told him ahead of time that I may abruptly disconnect if they get out of hand. I do want them to feel included, but not if that requires relinquishing my ownership of my own life, or hurts Aaron.

So...family harmony is important, but everyone in your family is currently mourning the demise of their vision of how you would fit into their lives and the choices you would make (as you are mourning the demise of your vision of how they would behave during this exciting time in your life!), so give them some time to work through their emotions. Once he is here, they may be ready to calm down and interact more.

I read an article the other day that said, "Your parents don’t want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn’t always the same thing." They would much rather you do things in your life that are acceptable, safe, normal, and good enough, but you owe it to yourself to do the thing that is a risk but has the potential to give you the best possible, fully realized version of your life.

[Jamie and Sveta 18]

I have to say... My family has been very drama free about Sveta. At first my brother (a government employee) kind of freaked out, but now he is just curious. I'm very proud of them all because of the fact that they have been so receptive, and even excited about meeting her... But then again, they see how she makes me feel and the accomplishments that I have made with her in my life... Stopped smoking... Lost over 100 lbs.... Started writing music and poetry again... Started smiling!!!!????

[cmn2minn 0]

I am going thru the same thing with family members on my side too. sure could use any advice on this too. thank you

[Adriene H 89]

If you both are happy together, who cares what anyone else thinks

If the rest of the family can't get over it, that's their issue to

figure out, not yours!

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

I can really relate to what you wrote. I had known and been communicating and repeatedly visiting Aaron for more than a year before I told my parents that he even existed, and that was the same conversation in which I told them that we had gotten engaged. (And no, telling them in advance of the wedding, and trying to help them feel included in my own way, did not help a bit.) Oh, and I'm 33, and have been living on my own for 13 years, and 800 miles away from them for almost 11.

They were, and are, furious about it, which really hurts. Part of it is definitely xenophobia and overprotectiveness: during the only phase in the conversation when my mother seemed to be vaguely aware that this was primarily about my life and not hers, the only things she could think of to tell me were: "black men [or did she say African? or both?] really like blonde women" (implying that he only likes me because I fulfill some sort of tired stereotype), and that (in her opinion) some people only get into interracial relationships because they enjoy opposition and want to make a statement (or something like that).

Part of it is also their religious/traditional values: I (supposedly) belong to them until they give me away to some deserving man who has conducted a closely supervised, parentally sanctioned, and very chaste courtship of me on my parents' couch, or something. HA! Apparently the last 13 years have taught them nothing about me at all.

But a lot of it is just that this does not fit their image of how their life would play out, and in many ways, I and my life only really exist to them as plot devices in their life. I didn't let them write the script or stage manage the performance, which in their minds equates to love, so I must not care. They have been intensely controlling my entire life, and something like this is when those tendencies tend to flare up the most.

We're kind of at an impasse now, and have been since I told them in January. My dad had originally wanted to communicate by email with Aaron (after declining to talk to him on the phone when I offered), which Aaron was willing to do, but I eventually decided not to facilitate that due to the high likelihood that my dad would say a lot of things he would really regret later after getting to know Aaron as a real person. That, and it is really beneath my dignity as an adult to sit idly by and let other people discuss/think they are determining MY future. I think they may come here to visit in a few weeks, and if they do, I may arrange a conversation between all of us and Aaron via webcam, having told him ahead of time that I may abruptly disconnect if they get out of hand. I do want them to feel included, but not if that requires relinquishing my ownership of my own life, or hurts Aaron.

So...family harmony is important, but everyone in your family is currently mourning the demise of their vision of how you would fit into their lives and the choices you would make (as you are mourning the demise of your vision of how they would behave during this exciting time in your life!), so give them some time to work through their emotions. Once he is here, they may be ready to calm down and interact more.

I read an article the other day that said, "Your parents don’t want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn’t always the same thing." They would much rather you do things in your life that are acceptable, safe, normal, and good enough, but you owe it to yourself to do the thing that is a risk but has the potential to give you the best possible, fully realized version of your life.

Very well written

You have impressed me as someone who has deeply thought about this and have come to terms onhow to cobalance your individuality and your families aspiration for you.

I've always felt that my marriage was partly undermined eventually because my Father In Law (a rigid British Man) was a raging racists (never once saw his only 4 granchild in 15 years eventhough we were only 15 miles from him when he was alive). I suspected that my Ex Wife was still somewhat seeking his approval of her life decisions to marry and (gasp) have chidlren with a black Man during our entire marriage.

I wish all you inter racial/ethnic/country couples all the best. Marriages are hard and I think harder when we cross these lines, I know it was for me for 14 years.

If you both are happy together, who cares what anyone else thinks

If the rest of the family can't get over it, that's their issue to

figure out, not yours!

For you and me it's that clear cut and simple but for some they really need that acceptance from their family.

[amyandjorge 76]

One very important thing I have learned while introducing Jorge as my husband to apprehensive family members, it's not about them, it's about him and I. If I neglect to inform my family of my husband and who he is, I am not disrespecting them so much as I am disrespecting him and our relationship. Also, if I don't disclose basic details about our relationship, they are automatically going to hold it against him first (because I am the daughter, neice, known me since I was born etc).

Another thing (and this is important on both sides of the relationship), TALK to your family! Tell them what you do when you visit your SO, what movies you watch, what food you eat, all the fun parts about having a foreign spouse And tell them about your SO's goals in life, what they have studied, where they have traveled, where they have worked, paint a picture for them so they realize your SO is just another person. (my husband had to do this to the max for his mother to understand WHY in the world he would marry a gringa)

It's hard at first, talking to my father I would slip into our conversation, oh Jorge likes to do that, or Jorge would love to try that, no Jorge doesn't like such and such either. He would just kind of pretend he didn't know who Jorge was at first, but now he has a pretty good sense of what kind of guy he is (they actually get along alarmingly well) but this is over two years of blabbing about how great of a guy he is

Edited May 4, 2012 by amyandjorge

[kate&javi 26]

I understand you. When I first met my fiance, my mom simply told me that I could not come to see him... even AFTER I bought the plane ticket. I came anyway, even though she refused to talk about it and even went so far as to read me the crime rates for Honduras from the US State Dept's website. I remember that I would get so frustrated with her at the beginning. But then I started to realize that it was her way to show that she was caring about my safety, and basically doing her "mom thing." Up until the day that I left the States to come to Honduras, she didn't talk about it. She barely even said goodbye to me the morning that I left.

After arriving here in Honduras, I decided to stay and got a job here. Trust me, I was so afraid of telling here THAT news... she seemed pretty angry at me when I told her (plus telling her over Skype? Even worse.) and didn't even want to talk about it. She would never acknowledge my fiance as my boyfriend, and simply referred to him as my "friend." (Lol.) It was so frustrating, but I knew that she would eventually come around and start understanding things. It probably took her a good 3-5 months to accept everything. It was compounded by the fact that she has never met my fiance in person, due to the fact that he cannot obtain a visitor visa and she never traveled down here. My sister has met him in real life, so maybe that started to calm her fears.

Now, when I Skype with her (once a week), she asks me where Javier is and if he is going to talk to her. I remember specifically one day, he was busy doing other things while I was Skyping with her and later that night, she sent me an email telling me that next time I Skyped with her, that she wanted to also talk to Javier because she wanted to have a "better relationship" with him. Even though my parents have never met him in person, I think he has grown on him and they look forward to speaking to him sometimes more than speaking to me! They laugh at all his jokes, they ask him how to say things in Spanish, etc.

I think that if your parents are not used to dealing with people from other cultures, or no one in your family has married someone outside of the US, it might be difficult for them to accept it right away. With time, everything gets better. I always try to give my parents time to deal with new things that I tell them. They were so happy when we got engaged. When I was home over Christmas, my mom took me to get my wedding dress. They have agreed to co-sponsor my fiance for his visa.

I am the type of person who seeks "acceptance" from my parents. I want them to understand the things I do and why I do those things. I want them to approve of my life and how I'm living it. Sometimes, I do things that I'm not sure how they will react - and sometimes they react badly - but over the years, I have learned that if I just give them a little bit of time to think on their own and understand that I'm not doing anything horrible, that they will accept it as it is.

They are very excited for my fiance to come back to the States with me, as my mom says she "only wants me home." I already informed her that the only way I'm coming home is with my fiance in tow. I know that she knows I would never have stayed overseas this long except for with the person that makes me the happiest in the world (I'm a very strong homebody and I feel uncomfortable outside of my comfort zone). She has recognized this, I know. She knows that my fiance makes me happy, that I love him, that he loves me, and that I'm living a good, full life here (even if she didn't initially agree with it).

Give them some time and share everything that you want with them about your fiance and your relationship. They will either accept it (I hope so!) or try to ignore it, but you know that you love your husband and in the end, that is ALL that matters.