So tired of this...

[kelly11anne 6]

This is the official cry for help. I just don't even know what to do anymore. My husband now has his EAD, he has a job, but the hours aren't normal. Somedays he works only 4 or 5 hours. So now he's frustrated and pissed off and he's saying that he has no hopes here in the US anymore. I have tried to find him other jobs, but he either doesn't have the skills needed or he needs english (which he still doesn't speak). He has not put a lot of effort into learning it either. I got him into english classes and my mom bought him Rosetta Stone which he hasn't even set up yet. I just feel like he's fighting against everything. I have already written a resume for him, looked for jobs and sent his resume to places. What just kills me is that he talks to me like it's my fault. Like I tricked him into coming here or I should have thought more about bringing him here. He regrets coming here. I am already stressed out because I AM trying to be the bread winner and pay all the bills and then I get that too. I just don't know how much more I can take. Please, someone tell me you had the same and survived!

[kcoyclay1 98]

It is hard to adjust when there are so many factors involved. Not only is there a language barrier but culture shock, homesickness, preconceived notion of the green-grass syndrome, demotivation, ego, to name a few.

Somehow he needs to understand that he had to work at blending in to society. He has to develop skills which will enable his dreams to materialize. The main one is communication. Even if he got a high paying job, he will need to communicate and English is the first language of the USA. Ask him what other tools is there that he thinks he needs to adapt. Were expectations addressed? It seems to be the problem. As he uses the tools that are available to him, things will get easier. This is a stress on your marriage. Find out if there are free English classes where he will also meet others who are learning the language. It will compliment Rosetta Stone, but the added bonus is the reality that he's not alone in this. There are are others less fortunate than he is. Others crying out for a part time job, thinking how lucky he is. He needs to understand this. Everything won't happen overnight. It's a process. Like the marriage, he has to build on what he has to make it work.

Edited May 2, 2012 by kcoyclay1

[yachachiq12 43]

I think this is pretty normal behavior for someone in your husband's position. My husband is still, 1.5 years after arrival, getting his feet on the ground. His first job was horrible (racism, bad hours, low pay, abusive behavior, you name it) and now he's in a much better position. However, we've noticed that he only receives job offers from other immigrants (I don't if our sample size is too small, but he's applied for more than 50 jobs, gotten a dozen interviews, and 4 or 5 job offers since arriving here). That's been disheartening. He has had to find himself again, start over professionally, and go through a lot of pain in improving his English.

Language-wise, he was already nearly proficient, so if your husband is starting from scratch in a place where there aren't a lot of Latinos, it can be really challenging and can make a person feel very lonely. What kind of work is he doing? Have you thought about him working in a kitchen temporarily where there are both Spanish and English speakers so he can learn more quickly? I'm sure there are other jobs that would work like that, but being in a restaurant is the first that comes to mind.

My husband has very slowly re-invented himself as a foreigner living in the US (as opposed to an urban Peruvian feeling at home and at ease anywhere in Peru). He took up a new hobby -- fishing -- and taught himself and found something to occupy him and give him a new identity. Can your husband find something like that? Maybe you two could join an adult sports team together like WAKA? Are you active in a religious organization? Are there any South American social clubs in your town? Maybe ask about organizations at the nearest Ecuadorian consulate.

Basically, our experience has probably been similar to yours and it has just required a lot of patience on everyone's part. Some people adjust more quickly than others. I would say the number one priority should be to find a job he's comfortable in to give him a sense of self-worth. Tell him you don't care how much he makes for the first couple years, as long as it's something he likes and it's giving him needed experience (if you can make it work financially).

If things really aren't working out, offer to move you both to Ecuador and see how he reacts (have you already tried this offer?). I always told my husband that would be an option if he hated it here. However, he sees the quality of life advantages in the US and wants to make the most of life here. Hopefully he will snap out of this slowly. Good luck to you! You're not the only one with this experience!

[rlogan 2,036]

I have tried to find him other jobs, but he either doesn't have the skills needed or he needs english (which he still doesn't speak). He has not put a lot of effort into learning it either. I got him into english classes and my mom bought him Rosetta Stone which he hasn't even set up yet. I just feel like he's fighting against everything.

What just kills me is that he talks to me like it's my fault. Like I tricked him into coming here or I should have thought more about bringing him here. He regrets coming here. I am already stressed out because I AM trying to be the bread winner and pay all the bills and then I get that too. I just don't know how much more I can take. Please, someone tell me you had the same and survived!

He may have had unrealistic expectations, but he's here and the fact is you conform to the work environment, it does not conform to you.

Assigning blame does not fix the problem. What is going to fix it is teamwork and a plan. Sounds like you are trying, but he's not committed? Serious depression is a possibility with immigration, for a minority but possible. If you read up a bit on it you might be able to discern whether he has it, or if he is just not committed. Counseling is a possibility, but those are also hit-and-miss in getting a good one.

[TBoneTX 45,299]

He's feeling like a pescado out of agua, sigh man. Don't take it personally, no man.

The advice above, from every poster, is thoughtful and excellent, si man. However, I'd hesitate to have him take a job in a restaurant if there are Spanish-speakers, because he might end up speaking mostly or only Spanish simply for comfort's sake.

Can you set him up in a part-time business of some kind?

The first thing that he needs to internalize is that any job is a good job, si man. Have him repeat this out loud, with increasing authority, daily until he believes it. However many or few hours he works, he needs to do his very best with a great attitude, and he will be noticed, see man. That's the way the U.S. works.

The second thing that he needs to internalize is that someone who's bilingual in English & Spanish has the world by the tail and can write his own ticket, si man. Personally, I would kill to be able to read, write, speak, and understand Spanish; however, I haven't put in the formal effort, so my inability is completely my fault. You can tell him that an established gringo said so, si man.

The fundamental question for him to ask himself is "If I'm frustrated, what am I going to do about it, huh man?"

[Adriene H 89]

Bi-lingual folks almost always get paid more in call centers =)

Good Luck!

[TBoneTX 45,299]

To ruminate upon, see man:

"Each language draws a magic circle round the people to which it belongs, a circle from which there is no escape save by stepping out into another one."

[amyandjorge 76]

Ah yes, I can relate.

My husband is still looking for long term work, no car, limited English. We are not suffering, we just moved into an apt, right now I can afford all of our necessities. This drives him crazy! He wants so badly to give me money for the groceries, buy new tennis, to take me out to dinner but it's not realistic right now. I bought a new bed when he got here, I promised that I would not call it MY bed only OUR bed because he gets so distressed about not providing more. I do not refer to stuff as mine as long as he respects the fact that currently I am the working half in our household (aka my time equals money).

Churches are a great place to start, our church has an ESL class for Spanish speakers, an international futbol league, and Spanish interpretation.

The other day he lashed out and accused me of moving him somewhere without friends, a job, support, etc. I said, ok, where do you want to go? Then he started with the blah blah I wouldn't let you leave your job here. So we're back where we started. Also, very often, he asks me if he can go to Honduras next week, because he still doesn't have a job and nothing to do, no schedule. Of course I say yes, we look up prices of flights and dates, and he says, well maybe I'll wait. Him knowing that I will NEVER stop him from going home is a huge reassurance to him (although I won't give him the $$!).

These are growing pains, we grow up

[VivaBaños 2]

Everyone else is saying what I came here to say: this is completely normal. It's hard--for both of you--but it is normal.

Are there any community centers nearby where he might be able to coach or volunteer coach a basketball team? This would probably help his confidence a lot and build his own circle of contacts. He may not earn any money for this but it would offer him a sense of control. He's here not able to work in what he did in Ecuador and is feeling really frustrated. And he has no life or independence here, something he enjoyed up until he moved here. And it's frustrating for an independent person to suddenly be dependent upon someone else, even a spouse, to handle everything.

My husband took lots of English classes in the two cities where we've lived and really believes this helped him--not just with English but learning to stand on his own feet here, without me leading the way.

He also volunteered in a position related to his professional background, and this ultimately led to full-time work.

Plus, I see that you're in WI. I think that things will look up now that winter is behind you--more time to be out and about, street festivals, etc to enjoy together.

Good luck!

[ecuababy 0]

If you haven't already looked into it, MATC in downtown Milwaukee has a wonderful ESL program. If your husband is available in the mornings, he can take up to four hours of class five days a week for free. I'm not sure what their afternoon and evening schedules look like. My husband took classes there for a semester and met some very nice teachers and started some friendships with other students. The only reason he stopped taking classes there was because we moved to Madison.

Like others have said, the transition to the U.S. can be very difficult. My husband is approaching two years here, and when we look back at his first year, we can see how much his situation has improved. It took a lot of time and patience. While he has many good days, there are times when he gets annoyed with U.S. culture and misses home.

I hope that things are getting better for both of you. Hang in there.

[TBoneTX 45,299]

I hope that things are getting better for both of you. Hang in there.

Si, man, and give us updates.

[VivaBaños 2]

While he has many good days, there are times when he gets annoyed with U.S. culture and misses home.

Exactly the same in our case.

[Noth 4]

hello There!

there is a lot of good advise here, so i hope this helps the OP find a way to make it work with her hubby. I just want to confirm that the feeling of loneliness is normal for an immigrant. I've been here 2 and a Half years, i speak English fluently and scored a well paid, full time job. However, i still get blue now and then and miss my country, friends, life style, etc... I never planned to move to the US, i just met "THE guy and followed my heart and i am thankful that i chose well. but my home country is my home country and being nostalgic and frustrated is totally normal!

I hope OP and hubby find a way to make it work!

[Sarah B 26]

hi!

my husband has been here two years and the first year was not a picnic! We both speak French and Arabic fluently, and while I am an English teacher (shame on me!) his English skills were severely limited. I enrolled him in free English classes at a community center and he met a lot of other immigrants from diverse backgrounds. This helped him build a network of support outside of our marriage. This was probably the biggest help in order to socialize him to his new surroundings without putting all of the pressure on me. He is currently at third job since coming here, has a 401k, a car, driver's license, etc. We haven't been back to visit his family yet but are planning on going next year.

Although we have been together for 5 years, the first year in the US was the roughest for us. We thought about splitting up, taking a break, and there was a period of time when he wanted very much to go back to his country. I told him that things would get better and that we had already lived in his country. This have gotten better, the initial adjustment is rough on both spouses. One spouse feels the pressure as being the guide to life in America as well as the breadwinner while the other one doesn't want to rely on the other person so much. I wish you good luck!