Husband doesn't want to file papers

[Leatherneck 693]

I know her and I have to say that she has been through alot. I think that one of the things which not apparent to those who write is what do you do if you have no car, no money or anyway of getting any or a job, it's uncomfortable to live at the only place you can call home, your husband who brought you here hates you and won't help you complete your papers and much more has happened. What do you do and you still need to be responsible for a young child. No one is handing you money nor are the agencies that are non-profit that willing to help. What I do expect is that anyone from VJ who reads this thread try and understand how hard this is for a person who support system is no longer in place. She is asking for help and if you can't say anything that is of use or of value to her just don't comment. I for one would like to do as much as I can to help. She doesn't deserve any of this all she done is try and love her child love her husband and make life work in a county and a husband that isn't allowing her to stay. She'd probably left a long time ago but her son is a US citizen and she cannot leave without a passport or her husbands permission, she loves her son.

I concur! It's amazing some folks expect this woman with next to zero resources, no support system to plug into, no transportation of her own, afraid of the criminal justice system based on her experience, in a foreign land and not familiar with the nuances of that foreign environment would expect her to preform similar to that of a native. For pete's sake... naturally the woman was emotionally and physically drained, psychologically abused and her self esteem destoryed from the repeated "wash-rinse-spin-repeat" cycle of abuse at the hands of a coward. The woman was/is dazed and confused!

It pisses me off a bit more her clown and azz-hat husband wears a uniform, a member of the armed services of a nation that champions freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, only to deprive the same to his wife. I regret not following this thread so as to direct her on how to approach his command.

This guy violated several articles of the UCMJ, its not too late for him to have his azz "locked and cocked" in front of his CO or XO regarding this matter. Those of you that are friends with the OP, if you get back in touch with her, Let her know I would like to help take her case and ordeal directly to his CO and XO, I will personally call his command on her behalf. He should not be allowed to go unpunished for his behavior.

Edited May 27, 2012 by Leatherneck

[belinda63 3,041]

The first thing that needs to happen to give her some reassurance is to find out exactly what is happening. As I said previously all we have is what the spouse has told her and posted on facebook. If he is the lying, manipulating person she describes then he would be the least reliable source of information. Until she actually sees the court papers, from the court not her spouse, she won't know what is happening, what has already happened, or how to proceed. Just because he posted on facebook he is divorced does not make it so, just as him telling his CO he was divorced did not make it so.

[RichieW 11]

Hello all, I have an update for you.

I heard from her today. She is doing OK and is a better situation. She actually told me she's gaining a little bit of weight and was eating well. Her son is fine and I could hear him vocalizing on the other side of the phone (those of you with young kids know what I'm talking about). She's with people that are supportive and loving and she's trying to get legal representation. She has some some assistance in doing so. She does not have a lawyer yet, but suspects she will have one early next week. I am trying not to give too much detail on her situation because I have some suspicion her "husband" reads this thread. In short, she and her son are fine.

When we talked I told her what her "husband" had posted on his Facebook page, she was surprised. She said she has 30 days to respond to the papers served to her while she took her son to the doctor, and that she heard nothing to support what he's been saying.

As a quick aside, to give insight about her husband: her son was born with a heart defect and has a feeding tube placed in his stomach. For some reason he will not swallow his food and he is underweight for his age. When her son was 6 months old he needed a heart operation. OP visited him constantly in the hospital, her husband rarely if ever made visits. In-fact, the hospital staff became concerned about their situation because they never saw her husband and wondered why a new father would not visit his son. She was scolded and yelled at by her husband for making him look bad (by her visiting and him not) and told not to visit anymore because her son would be coming home in a few days. Repeatedly she was told there "was no point anyway" to a visit. This raised some red flags in her, but since this was fairly early on in their relationship, she decided to try to salvage things.

Despite some dis-believers of her story. I have quite a few stories I can tell you about this guy she's married to, I have met him personally on numerous occasions. At first I tried to approach my interactions with him as neutral because I know there are 2 sides to the story. Initially I just figured some women just like to complain about their husbands the way I see some dudes complain about their wives at work. The more I got to know him I started to really see where she was coming from, in my mind it corroborated most of the things she's told us in confidence about the abuse. Some of it still defies belief, maybe I'm naive and just have no comprehension on how someone can be so terrible. The last time she stayed at our house and his reactions to that really solidified things in my mind. Something is seriously off with this guy.

OP really is a wonderful person, and yes she is a bit naive at times. She reached out for help and got floods of information. I think it more or less caused analysis paralysis. Couple that with the fear of being separated from her son, fear of emotional and physical abuse from her husband, it became quite clear to me why she endured to situation for so long. In some ways I think simply posting about it was therapeutic enough for her to endure it longer. I actually believe that she'd endure it forever if she was 100% certain she'd never be separated from her son. Recently after discovering "sext messages" from another woman along with pictures on his phone, and him disappearing for weeks at a time, and his threats of getting her deported and separated from her son.. she had enough. In some ways her friends may have conflated the situation by urging her to do something to get out of it. (I think this is a good thing)

In any event sorry for being wordy, she's doing a lot better and is safe for now. I do not know her legal status etc other than she does not have a lawyer yet. A couple weeks ago I helped her fill out numerous documents (VAWA petition etc) but I don't know if she's sent them in yet (my guess is no).

Please have a safe holiday.

[aaydrian 479]

She's with people that are supportive and loving

Hope it's permanent, at least to the point where she can sort out most if her problems. 'Husband' seems off so she and whoever it is that's helping her need to mindful of his actions.

Edited May 28, 2012 by aaydrian

[Vicky and Larry 27]

The people on here bloody infuriate the hell out of me with their bad impressions of Inspector Clueso. Just give the lady the information she requires and then let her go on about with her life. It really doesn't affect anyone on here is she is being disingenuous, but it will affect her life if she cannot get the information she requires to fill out the paperwork for AOS. Stop with all the analysis and turning this site into a circus and just respond with answers to her questions.

[gretchen_darren 67]

This lady is in a situation most of us hope to never be in. both as the petitioner, and the benefactor. The Lady is reaching out for help in her situation and NO ONE is HELPING her. I have been following this thread and talked to her many times on PM. I have been to Ukraine and have many Russian friends. I feel for this Lady and her situation. She is being treated worse then by men back home, and by a man in the military services who defends out nation.

this man has treated her badly, horribly, and basically, has at times left her to fend for herself and her son without transportation, food, or money. I am wondering how many times the electric, water, and other services were turned off at the house for lack of paying bills.

the court date could easily be January 2013 because of backlog, and his military service. However, there are things which strike me as odd in all of this. I hope they work it out well. Somehow he has convinced the chaplain of "issues". The chaplain is his "safe haven" right now. It keep this mess off his military record. If the Provost marshall and his XO/CO get involved, his record IS affected. Right now, he has painted her as something horrible to the people on base. She needs to really, really fight back. those who know her MUST be willing to testify in court on her behalf. Get the hospital records, and hospital staff to testify how she was with her child. The friends MUST be willing to go to the Provost Marshall as well to offer sworn statements. She is fighting a battle which is very uphill. She is in a situation where the military does not always believe spouses. She needs to get them to believe her. This road is NOT going to be easy.

[belinda63 3,041]

The military has nothing to do with her AOS, if she has been abused she needs to file VAWA as has been stated she has already been assisted in doing. The other issue she needs to deal with is her alleged divorce which she needs to go to the local courthouse to find out if anything has been actually filed and what the status is. The military has nothing to do with either of these things.

The only thing the military will do, is if she is still married, they will require him to provide her with the housing allowance he receives or actual housing and she will have a dependent ID card, which she states she has.

[NevermindVz 51]

I've been following this thread from the beginning and while I have no legal advice to offer, I sincerely hope the OP finds all the help she needs. What a difficult situation to be in. I'm glad to hear the OP and her son are doing fine and are in a supportive environment.

[gretchen_darren 67]

sorry to be so wordy....not a lawyer...but after having been through Ukraine and Russian dating, plus going through my own divorce...

The Military also has a lot to do with this. In her divorce, she gets part of his retirement fund and proceeds based on his perceived rank at retirement at the point in time. She is entitled to HALF of ALL his pension at the time. Anything above that rank is his alone. If he is dishonorably discharged, he loses all pension, but it can be written in, that she does not. If this is not in the divorce decree, she can lose much in the divorce.

Also, with the I-134, the husband is as bound as the I-864. All costs are subject to him. It may be a lot for her right now, but in the end, she could really take this guy to the cleaners in court. I feel sorry for him, if she just shows up in court without a lawyer...if I were him, I would get her a lawyer, and myself a lawyer...pay both bills, and try to work out an agreeable divorce...otherwise, he should expect the complete law thrown at him, inclluding filing AOS for her, Long term alimony, and losing all pension, and any savings, plus housing he may own, he may end up paying the mortgage for the house, but she owns the house. (CA divorce law is no laughing matter in a case where he has been posing as divorced, and carrying on with other women during his marriage. )

The divorce court could also be including an order by the court for a request of US military inquisition under USMC or a request for investigation by the US criminal court system. The military can ignore this request if the military so chooses, but I doubt the military would. The call on her for kidnapping will go against him in court. things could also go his way...but, I seriously doubt if he will get much because of marrying her in the 90 days, and her staying here for 2 years without him filing for divorce or filing AOS. He has been using the police, government, military base and court system against her because of her cultural background, she fears these things because of the corruption in Russia. This woman is having to do things which she is ultimately afraid of and raised to be scared of. Think of having to deal with your worst, deepest, darkest paranoia nightmare. Then having NO ONE to help you when you reach out in your area. Divorce is not unheard of in Russia. However, women do not do as well in Russia for divorce as in USA.

...she could even petition the court to have legal counsel reimbursed at her husband's expense since she cannot afford a lawyer nor can she legally work to earn money for her defense in the US at this time 1) based on the I-134 form, 2) her husband has refused to submit the AOS paperwork, 3) husband has refused to submit EAD paperwork, 4) and VAWA USCIS form, 5) husband has her taking care of their son and house as married couple since she came to USA.

She needs a really good military divorce lawyer as well as one versed in immigration law.

[belinda63 3,041]

She is not entitled to anything except what is awarded to her by a court. She is not "automatically" entitled to any of his retirement pay, it must be court ordered if the court determines she is deserving of it and since they have been married less than 10 years the military, specifically DFAS, will not automatically make the payments to her, she would have to obtain them from him through civil actions.

The I-134 is not legally binding and is not even a contract between him and her, it is between him and the US government. Legally he has no obligation to her other than as a normal spouse has to the other one, which is not much. I am even surprised she was permitted to live in military housing since she has no legal status in the US. If she wishes to obtain any benefits she will need to file VAWA and fight him in family court. She had and still has a military ID card and he was providing her housing until she moved out.

Morally he is dead wrong but legally I don't see where he has committed any crimes or violated any part of the UCMJ.

Again I advise her to go to the courthouse and review the file to find out what is really going on.

[AstaMarisa 84]

Hi

I finally got a chance to write something. So we live in a domestic violence shelter, it's all good, my son and I have everything, well at least more than we had in our own house. I got temporary restraining order against my husband. Today we went to court, the hearing was about custody. He wanted full custody and no visitations from me. But judge said full physical custody to me, supervised visitations to him (with his expenses) and legal custody is joined for both of us. None of us had a lawyer at this hearing. I didn't have to pay for anything yet because i don't have an income. What else.. Well its gonna be many other hearings like for restraining order and spousal and child support. But the one about actual divorce is on january 2013. So I guess if I get spousal and child support so I can start getting money from him before the actual divorce. He still gets money for being married and having a child and he doesn't spend any on us so they said he will probably going to have to pay, they will just take off some amount of money off his check for us.

About the immigration part... Nothing is moving yet. I sent some filled papers to immigr office, waiting for the respond. Also trying to apply for welfare food stamps and some cash.

Oh forgot to tell you about this custody thing that he won at first. When he shot off my phone, my son's teacher bought me new one and he didn't know the number. So i went to shelter, he didn't know where I am. But later when I came to file for restraining order the lady that helped me told me that he filed for full physical custody and it was granted. I was shocked but then we figired out that it happened because i didn't come to the hearing for it which i didn't know about and he stated in this paper that he called me and told me about the hearing. Of course he couldn't call me because he doesn't know my number so he lied and this way got custody. But when we put all this on restraining order paper the judge understood what was going on so she granted my restraining order till next hearing (18th) so that canceled his "full physical custody" . So we have the same judge for everything. And he is a petitioner and I am a respondent because he filed for divorce first. It all goes by the same number of case. Whatever seems like they understand my situation and child abduction unit and hospital (all my case managers and social workers) helping me. I also had an interview with my case manager through the navy (JAG), he has a case open about the abuse. So that's what is done for right now.

Please pray for us on 18th.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Wow Murysa, what an amazing amount of accomplishment in a short period of time! You should be so proud of yourself!

I am so glad he lied on that custody thing, so now he has made a bad name for himself and all the other lies will unravel.

I am very happy for you, and your report brought a tear to my eye. Keep up the awesome work and take care of yourself.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Harpa Timsah

[RK_and_Inday 10]

Murysa--So very glad to hear that much is proceeding forward for you. Can not even imagine how difficult things have been and are for you. Your strength and courage is admirable. Glad you are safe adn that you have found help from social worker and others. Yes, Murysa, prayers sent to God and sent your way for the 18th. Praying even now for right to win over wrong that day, and also in your continuing circumstances even thereafter. Know that on the 18th, now--and often--you and your son will be surrounded by many prayers. --RK and Inday

[Ontarkie 14,324]

I moved your post to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

[kennym 275]

I read this entire thread tonight for the first time.. I want to tell the OP how happy I am for her recent successes...

But I really have to say how sad I was for you reading the attacks.. Some VJ'rs are so nasty.. And it's usually the same ones all the time..

I really hope that those who love to attack realize how your comments can affect someone strugling with issues.. There simply isnt a good reason to attack regardless of the circumstances..

I also want to add that I was amazed how well the OP handled herself against the hurtful things said.. I admire your inner strength.. Truly hope for the best for you and your son..

Kenny