Husband doesn't want to file papers

[AstaMarisa 84]

I am sorry but first you said he wants you to leave as you are in his way and now that he doesn't file the papers because he is afraid that you would leave? C'mon, at least read what you write and stick to it! are you guessing or you know your own situation?

I said he is comfortable with me because I'm like a made here. Free made. And yeas he is cheating. But as long as I'm not saying anything, we are good. How is it hard to understand? If not me he would have to deal with day cares and many other things, but he doesn't have to. That's why I'm saying it's better for him too that I'm here, he doesn't want me to leave. And I said before that he didn't kick me out for a year already, so he did it BEFORE and now he doesn't.

And why I'm saying I wanna try after we get papers, because I feel like you have to try everything first before you break up. So if we do papers and after that he still doing same thing then I can just leave knowing that we tried.

And I had a military ID right away when I came here, so he had different boss. That boss knew. Even now some people from his office know that he is still married, he is just saying that he is divorcing, which doesn't make me to lose my ID (because if we didn't divorce yet I can still use the ID) BUT at the same time if I go there and ask for help and say that we are not divorcing then he is going to get in trouble, and I don't want anybody to get in trouble! That's all. How is that not true ? Really? Really? I'm not afraid to say that I'm married to him but only if it's the situation, I'm not trying to go to his office and make him look like a liar (but some people already think so anyway). But if I saw his boss at the hospital , I mean if she (he) saw me there with the baby I wouldn't deny that I do take care of my child and always here for him. I'm not sure but it's all about my husband having extra off time, if he says he is a single father his office would let him go home earlier, so he can go and date some more. How do I know? I don't really know why he needs it to be that way. Also because he already told everybody that I'm bad and he is good so it would be awkward if they found out that I'm here with my family and with no papers still. So that's why he doesn't want them to know. But they might know it also. I don't know what these people think when they hear all his stories.

[AF-Wife 181]

Uhm it is true. I saw it with my own eyes in the regulations when I was issued a 90 days ID card before I got my SSN. And I did not say anything about benefits.

well, like I said above. mine is valid until 2016 WITHOUT SSN. maybe it has something to do with the type of service ... AF, Army, Marines or Navy.

Edited May 2, 2012 by AF-Wife

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Your post is very insightful and helps shed some light on the way this situation might be viewed. I have to take issue with the above statement, however. I can tell you from first-hand experience that this isn't accurate. The police can and do arrest for DV based on nothing more than a statement from the "victim." The OPs claim that the arrest was based on the "first caller's" statements alone reflects my own experience. I'm sure some PDs are more professional that others.....but I can assure you that a simple statement can land you in jail, and run you through a multiple thousand dollar judicial process that can cost a year or more of your life.

And this has been proven many many times.

[AstaMarisa 84]

ok OP whats the deal here?? everyone gives you advice on what to do?? other ppl said already be honest on ur petition , so yes say u were arrested.

ppl gave you advice for what to do if you wanna leave. there are sooo many organizations you can go to ( and u have a computer so you can do sooo much research on it). you can call them send them emails they are really helpful.

http://www.uscis.gov...000082ca60aRCRD

http://www.womenshel.../sta/california

so why u dont call and ask for more information and what choices you have.. and i never ever heard about a court taking the child away from the mother. they just do it under real hard circumstance. like if you are abusing ur child, are on drugs and stuff like that. so he has to proof to the court of law that u are not a fit mother. not the other way around.

im just curios do u want ur child to grow up in a hostel environment?? dont u want the best for ur child and happiness??

im going to be honest here with you. i dont believe you. cuz if you wanna stay with ur husband why u talking evil of him here then?? you said u have friends and they believe ur side, why they not helping u then??? if he didnt helped you to file the aos papers in 2 years he wont do that. u never thought about it earlier that he doesnt wanna help you. and u said he cheats on u and didnt care if u leave. so why should he care now and be worried you could leave when u have ur status. it doesnt make sense. he gives you a computer so he knows u can find out stuff bout ur situation. he lets u go out with friends and let u go the doctor alone with ur child. so u could leave any minute. again doesnt make sense. and really u not allowed to fly after the 8months of ur pregnancy. cuz the pressure can bring u in early labor. what airline let u on the plane???

i lived for some years in cali what base is he working for?? i have a lot of friends in the military and i easy could go and get some advice for you how the law is with military.

you wrote on one of ur post : I just hope I can fill all the papers and then have one of his friends around to show it to my husband and ask him to sign what he needs to sign. He will not say no to this in front of his friend. This is my secret plan.

so why u dont do that then. if you have already a secret plan??

im curios if u have any contact to his family??? if so they maybe they willing to help u with it.

you also wrote is hard to get to appointments with a lawyer , does it mean u went and saw a lawyer already or talked to one??

with ur english its fishy cuz in some post its so freaking perfect and that, u dont learn from watching tv and movies. and then in others u make simple mistakes with the grammar and spelling. strange dont u think???

this is a study who has been done by thomas and collin.

1. Students ages 8 to 11 years old with two to three years of native language education took five to seven years to test at grade level in English.

2. Students with little or no formal schooling who arrived in the United States before the age of 8 took 7 to 10 years to reach grade-level norms in English language literacy.

3.Students who were below grade level in their native language also took 7 to 10 years to reach the 50th percentile. Many of these students never reached grade-level norms.

These data held true regardless of the home language, country of origin, or socioeconomic status.

they did it on kids cuz the brain is more capable of learning new things and languages FASTER then from grown ups. if u not a freaking genius with an IQ of 150 to 200 or be a mensa genius.

i went to college in the states took professional english classes in school, i worked in the states b4 in a office where i had to use proper english, i had also, back in germany, for many years english classes. and still sometimes its hard to use the right grammar and spelling in the proper way. if u learned that good english from tv and movies u one for the books.

you also can apply alone without him for a SSN and can open a bank account alone with no GC in cali. all u need is ur visa , passport and ssn. u also can apply for a driver license without him. i have done it in cali in the past. u also can go and use the bus if u have to leave the house, since u have a computer u can check the schedule online.

why u dont just come forward and be honest?? ppl here still would help u.

Exactly, that's what i'm doing! I have a plan and I'm filing papers right now. I came ask for advice and I need to file papers, that's why I'm here. That's what I'm doing, didn't you notice?

And you can fly after 36 weeks, you just have to be lucky and lie a bit. I said I was 24 weeks, my stomach wasn't big. If you really know about California military then let me know. Sending a message to you.

And again about English. Don't you make mistakes? People, if you can't learn language fast or your friends or whoever can't do it IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Yes I already saw one lawyer, after that my husband found out about it because it was navy lawyer, so he called his command to ask why he doesn't give us money. He also said your husband is paying for rent and for food once in 2 weeks so it's no reason to complain. But we didn't have money for diapers and bus.

[UK_Fan 192]

murysa, check ur inbox.

[ceadsearc 516]

Again, we have no way to know for sure that OP's story is legit but trying to poke holes in it based on her English or how domestic violence arrests work in your area is silly, IMO. I don't know what the hoopla is over her English, her written English is very similar to my husband's and almost identical to a foreign exchange student we hosted when I was in high school, who absolutely wrote that well after a year even though she didn't know a ton of English prior to coming. Again, I'm not saying the OP couldn't be lying but the best thing anyone can do is advise based on the idea that she isn't and leave it at that.

It is also clear that many people here have never been in an abusive relationship and do not understand the dynamics involved it in from either side. If you've never been there you'll never totally understand, but nothing she has said about the status of her relationship would come up as a red flag to almost anyone who has been there.

OP, obviously there is no point in continuing to hash out this thread. You've gotten advice on VAWA, I suggest you follow that if you have the evidence needed. I also suggest you contact a family law attorney. Your county may have resources for finding someone pro bono if you cannot afford one.

[AF-Wife 181]

Again, we have no way to know for sure that OP's story is legit but trying to poke holes in it based on her English or how domestic violence arrests work in your area is silly, IMO. I don't know what the hoopla is over her English, her written English is very similar to my husband's and almost identical to a foreign exchange student we hosted when I was in high school, who absolutely wrote that well after a year even though she didn't know a ton of English prior to coming. Again, I'm not saying the OP couldn't be lying but the best thing anyone can do is advise based on the idea that she isn't and leave it at that.

It is also clear that many people here have never been in an abusive relationship and do not understand the dynamics involved it in from either side. If you've never been there you'll never totally understand, but nothing she has said about the status of her relationship would come up as a red flag to almost anyone who has been there.

OP, obviously there is no point in continuing to hash out this thread. You've gotten advice on VAWA, I suggest you follow that if you have the evidence needed. I also suggest you contact a family law attorney. Your county may have resources for finding someone pro bono if you cannot afford one.

well said. that's what I was thinking the whole time.

PS: OP isn't looking for any advice anymore, she is just trying to defend herself the whole time. there shouldn't be a reason to begin with. good luck & I hope everything works out for you. keep us updated, what's going on!

[Xanax 349]

I am not sure how true your statements are, but I choose to have faith in people, and the fact you keep coming back to this post and to ask for help , to me at-least is a sign that your statements are true.

This is what I would do, if I was you:

-- Decide NOW what you want to do, your husband will NOT change once you have AOS- know this and then make your decision!

Once you have made a decision on that you can go from there... If you want to stay with your husband and live how you are living people here can help you with your paperwork; if you want to leave the relationship and stay in the US there are people here who can help you get in touch with those you need to and give you advice; if you want to return to your home country with/ without your child , there are those here who can give you advice on how to do that; if you want your husband to change, only you can help facilitate that, but it does not sound like you are in a good relationship and I would be picking options 2 or 3.

[Tinchen_ 21]

yeah i notice and i notice a lot of other things as well. u ask questions and ppl here give u their honest opinion . but with anything ppl give u , u responds with excuses and ur story doesnt add up..so ppl are wondering and ask u about it.

i wrote that i have a lot of friends in the military and also married couples in the military and if u have specific questions i can go and ask them about it.

u wrote this : I mean I was 38 weeks pregnant. so that what i went by. so nothing about 24 weeks.

24 weeks is like 6months not 9months. thats what i mean it doesnt add up.u say one thing and then another. thats why its fishy to me.

Under IATA guidelines, pregnant women can be allowed to fly depending on their past history, number of foetuses carried and weeks of gestation. For example, an uncomplicated single pregnancy may be accepted in weeks 36 to 38, if the flying time doesn't exceed four hours. . most airlines need a statement from your doctor. cuz its an insurance liability. most of airlines dont even take pregnant woman after 32weeks.

and the english thing i dont care where u learned it, i just dont like when ppl arent honest.

honey i learned english real fast and im very well at it. but u cant just learn english by tv and movies . and talking to doctors with medical terms is way more complicated. so u said once ur english was bad and now u say ur english is good. so now u can explain things to a lawyer and cops .

honestly this didnt even made any sense to me : Yes I already saw one lawyer, after that my husband found out about it because it was navy lawyer, so he called his command to ask why he doesn't give us money. He also said your husband is paying for rent and for food once in 2 weeks so it's no reason to complain. But we didn't have money for diapers and bus.

cuz what u discuss with ur lawyer is confidential. so u gave ur lawyer the ok to call ur husband???

so he is paying rent but no money for diapers and bus?? a bus drive in cali cost like around 1.50 or sometimes just 0.70cent for short distance.

thats what i mean i give u some ideas like with the bus u shut it down with i dont have 1.50 to ride the bus. what about ur friends they could drive u??

ok call me what u want, but i stand by it that ur story is phony, maybe their is some truth to it.but not the whole thing. i dont mind calling u out on ur BS.

be straight and honest.

[BobGee 5]

OP, in first place what I want to tell you, whether you are lying or not is, people CAN learn English or any other language from different sources, you can be just naturally gifted like someone else said. Good for whoever went to college, school, whatever to learn a language but some people just don't need it. I'm one of those, thanks to Backstreet Boys (lol), my old radio, TV, my old dictionary and my brain I learned English by myself. Perfect? Not at all but it could be! And I'm still learning!! Native speakers in EVERY country make mistakes, every language has slang and I really do not see how native americans here speak that good.

In fact, I don't know about everybody but where we live there are so many called "rednecks" and their grammar is terrible, way worse when speaking because of slang. The public schools here are also not that great and I see a lot of people here having a hard time spelling/reading. So basically, yes you can learn by yourself, great if you went to college but there are thousands of ways to learn a language.

Anyway, some people gave you good advice and in my opinion your husband will NOT love you more if you get your AOS done at all. There's some things that cannot be fixed, things will get worse. Just think, he will "lose" control over you and then things will get more serious. The fact that he is a military does not mean anything, their character is not tested when joining. You should follow the advice it was given to you and get yourself together, you need a plan to keep you and your son safe.

If your story is true or not, it does not matter. Too bad if it is not, at least you can see that people care. If it is real, good luck and I wish you the best.

P.S: And by the way, stop defending yourself though if you are really saying the truth. You do not owe anything to anyone in here, you got good advice already and this whole argument about your English skills is pointless. If you have any other question about the main topic, feel free to send me a message, I'll be happy to help.

[AstaMarisa 84]

So again about this paper with my explanation about the arrest. What if it's not on record? I mean you all probably saw this online site where you can check everybodys records. Just wandering if in any way I should not put the information about my arrest? What's best for me? Or this record can be still seen somewhere even if it's not online? And if I put the explanation, what do I write?? Date, what happened, arrested, let go. Or should I put the whole story (my side or husband's side??). How exactly do I fill that thing?

[Tinchen_ 21]

So again about this paper with my explanation about the arrest. What if it's not on record? I mean you all probably saw this online site where you can check everybodys records. Just wandering if in any way I should not put the information about my arrest? What's best for me? Or this record can be still seen somewhere even if it's not online? And if I put the explanation, what do I write?? Date, what happened, arrested, let go. Or should I put the whole story (my side or husband's side??). How exactly do I fill that thing?

u file it honest thats the best way to go with the uscis. always be honest in ur petitions. and explain in a short way what happened : like were arrested charges been dropped.

u should can go and get the police record for ur arrest. so then u know what it says and can go by that.

[AstaMarisa 84]

u wrote this : I mean I was 38 weeks pregnant. so that what i went by. so nothing about 24 weeks.

24 weeks is like 6months not 9months. thats what i mean it doesnt add up.u say one thing and then another. thats why its fishy to me.

are you even reading? When did I say I was 24 weeks? I was 38 weeks and I had to tell that I was 24 so they would let me go.

It's not an excuse, it is just something that I already said before. Read before blaming me for lying. If you don't wanna help, don't help. I

'm tired of explaining everybody why it was this way and how this happened especially to ppl who don't want to read what I'm saying.

P.S. I personally think that my situation got so bad so nobody believe me because nobody had this in their lives. But it's not why I'm here. Those who believe will give me advice and I still have a lot of questions. I don't want anybody to feel like I'm just trolling here that's why I'm answering all questions. Well most of them. I would answer more if I had time. Sitting here with 2yo and he needs attention too.

[Tinchen_ 21]

i wrote in my responds some pages ago i been there. 18years young all alone in a strange country and emotional and physical abused.

so trust me i know how it is and thats why i get offends about it when i think someone makes more to the story then there is.

earlier i send u links for shelters in cali, and i also wrote that u always can call them and ask them for advice or go see someone they really helpful with everything.

i also send u a link from the uscis if u wanna file aos on ur own and ur husband abuses u then there is VAWA.

cuz what u wrote at the beginning sounded like abuse, and then u backed out of it. if u want help and have a better life , change it. help and options are out there.

if u wrote that u said to them u were 24 weeks pregnant, my bad then. but still u must have had a tiny belly then.

i offered u to ask my friends about specific military stuff if u have a question about it, but i just got a real weird personal email from u. what should i do with that?

im out of this now, cuz i dont believe u. i tried to help u, give u links and options. u come up with excuses why u cant do this and that.

[LinaMD 8]

Marysa, your situation could be easily fixed. You just have to make up your mind. You have benefits being a military spouse and you could use them if you wanted to. You've been given options, you've been given all kinds of suggestions. Noone here can go beyond that. Its up to you and noone else.