Transition Issues

[trojam227 18]

I have a couple of suggestions for those who aren't here yet, and for those who read this thread in the future:

To the one moving from abroad:

Make sure you have some of your everyday familiar items with you from Day One. Things that to you, make your present home a home. Some art prints; a decorative pillow; anything - whatever it is that says "home" to you. Even if it's worn out. It's yours. It's home.

Try to think of your first few months here as a time to renew yourself. Plan for the renewal. Make a list of projects you have been wanting to do and didn't have time for in your old busy life. Share these projects with your American spouse BEFORE YOU GET HERE. Set aside funds for them (if necessary) and then DO THEM when you get here.

Be open and honest with your American spouse. Their life has changed now that you are here. But not as much as yours. Sometimes we get busy and just think you are OK. Tell us when you aren't.

To the US citizen:

Get rid of the blatant "ex" stuff in your.

Make closest space, drawer space, bookcase space, DVD space - as much space as you can.

Make a physical space for your spouse from abroad. I hung a pair of curtains in our home office that looked like some you see would see in my husband's country. We hung two pictures from his old house over his desk.

Get some patience and some understanding. And some empathy. Lots. You might have been the reason someone moved thousands of miles to get here. But you aren't a good enough reason for their life to come to a standstill.

Thanks Rebecca Jo, good tips! I agree that we aren't a good enough reason for anybody's life to come to a standstill. Our lives have been at a standstill for years! It'll be a relief to breath fresh air again and actually work together to build something "real". Limbo, stagnant, whatever you want to call it, is not a comfortable place to be.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Doing so much better.

I have more good days than bad and I don't feel depressed like I was feeling, but the lost/ungrounded feeling still finds me at times, but seems to pass as quickly as it comes. I have told myself that I may feel like this up to a year, from what I have read on here and researched, but that it won't feel as intense or difficult as in the beginning stages. We went for a trip to Chicago and being on the lake was the best therapy - I just love the water. When we returned my husband was disappointed that I still didn't feel like this is home yet, but I reminded him that I have only been here for 4 months. I know it will come with time, and routine.

My husband has a little more time now and has been very supportive about finding ways for us to connect or build routines together. I also have made a friend who picks me up once a week so that we can have little adventures :-)

I just wanted others who may read this to know that it's okay to feel down sometimes, and that it does get easier. I am feeling excited about the future.

Thank you to everyone who was so supportive and kind, it really did make a big difference.

Moving here has been one of the biggest challenges in my life and I know I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship. Looking forward is key.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

It's good to hear you are doing better.

You've only been here 4 months, so don't feel bad it doesn't feel like home yet. I think it could take a few years before that is truly the case.

[Krikit 1,164]

That is awesome, Vicky. I am so glad things are looking up. I find that reconnecting with nature.... especially water.... is really soothing to the soul. I just found this amazing garden centre not far from here. It is at least 10 acres large and is the most amazing place. It's acres and acres of plants and garden stuff, and two huge buildings with everything you could ever want for a garden, as well as a wine shop and bistro and little lovely "rooms". Everyone who works there is so happy and friendly. Today I am going to go there to have a wander and maybe have a bite in the bistro. I found an online coupon for $10 off so I am going to find some great rocks and build myself an inukshuk. That will be my Canada Day present to myself.

You found a friend! That's amazing! I still don't have any friends here. But I haven't really tried to find a friend, either. We just moved to this State (VA) a couple of years ago (from FL), but I spent most of the first year in Canada due to a family emergency. I did spend the day with my former physiotherapist one time, though. We had a really nice time. She is from Egypt so she can relate. I should see if she wants to come to the garden centre!

[Caryh 5,206]

Glad to hear things are getting better. My wife, who's been here nine months now, still goes through the ups and downs. She really wants to make a visit back home, but it will take a bit more time until we can afford that. I've been working with her on understanding what triggers the homesickness feelings lately. I guess its not so surprising its usually fears. Fear of work security, fear of getting back to work level she had at home, fear of a failed marriage, fear of what's happening to her family back home and loosing closeness with them, fear of just about anything. I've also began explaining the toll her ups and downs takes on me to. I don't think she really understood how this is also hard on the other side, if the person really loves and cares for them. All those statements about wanting to be home starts to feel like rejection after a while. I know its not really rejection, but still both sides of this situation has feelings they can't help feeling. I felt she was ready to start hearing how the other side feels going through this. Because its not easy on the other side either, and there does come a time we need the support of our partner to.

This weekend we're going to take a drive to the North Shore of Lake Superior. I had hoped we'd go camping this weekend, it would be her first time, but the place I wanted to take her was fully booked. I'm trying to plan a surprise birthday party for her to, which is a few weeks from now. Its one step at a time, and eventually homesickness will hopefully be something that doesn't really come up any longer.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Glad to hear things are getting better. My wife, who's been here nine months now, still goes through the ups and downs. She really wants to make a visit back home, but it will take a bit more time until we can afford that. I've been working with her on understanding what triggers the homesickness feelings lately. I guess its not so surprising its usually fears. Fear of work security, fear of getting back to work level she had at home, fear of a failed marriage, fear of what's happening to her family back home and loosing closeness with them, fear of just about anything. I've also began explaining the toll her ups and downs takes on me to. I don't think she really understood how this is also hard on the other side, if the person really loves and cares for them. All those statements about wanting to be home starts to feel like rejection after a while. I know its not really rejection, but still both sides of this situation has feelings they can't help feeling. I felt she was ready to start hearing how the other side feels going through this. Because its not easy on the other side either, and there does come a time we need the support of our partner to.

This weekend we're going to take a drive to the North Shore of Lake Superior. I had hoped we'd go camping this weekend, it would be her first time, but the place I wanted to take her was fully booked. I'm trying to plan a surprise birthday party for her to, which is a few weeks from now. Its one step at a time, and eventually homesickness will hopefully be something that doesn't really come up any longer.

I have been mindful about how my feelings may make my husband feel. I have told him that going back to the U.K is NOT what I want, but sometimes the ungrounded/not belonging feeling makes it harder for me here. I have never said to him that I want to go back home, but I have shared my fears that I get worried I won't make it here - I know I will, because I am prepared to allow myself to go through the feelings and hopefully eventually come out the other side. You are right when you say that adjusting is hard for both parties :-)

Triggers are a big one - sometimes it just comes up and you are not sure exactly why. It amazes me just how much culture is a part of our identity.

I think being realistic about how long it may take to feel like this is our new home is really important, and in the mean time feel assured that the every day routines we create will be a part of creating that feeling. I am going to be patient and share with my husband when I feel strange. Sometimes I just let myself feel like I am having one BIG vacation until I feel at home, which isn't so terrible when you look at it like that.

I have had the same kind of fears as your wife, with regards to work, my marriage and the future in general. I tell myself that being here is like creating a brand new life, and that comparisons are not really helpful. I am having to change my academic pathway in terms of my career, after doing some research, and rather than feeling bummed out about it, I am feeling excited about a new adventure.

This is a new adventure!

You know the old adage "no pain no gain"? Well, in psychological terms undergoing challenges can be positive for life experience and expanding your opportunities and ways of thinking. I remind myself on days when I am struggling that the feeling won't last forever, and that coming out the other side means I will have learned more about life and myself. I do my best to turn my experiences into positive new learning.

You are a good husband and your wife does love you!

Edited June 14, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Vicky and Larry 27]

That is awesome, Vicky. I am so glad things are looking up. I find that reconnecting with nature.... especially water.... is really soothing to the soul. I just found this amazing garden centre not far from here. It is at least 10 acres large and is the most amazing place. It's acres and acres of plants and garden stuff, and two huge buildings with everything you could ever want for a garden, as well as a wine shop and bistro and little lovely "rooms". Everyone who works there is so happy and friendly. Today I am going to go there to have a wander and maybe have a bite in the bistro. I found an online coupon for $10 off so I am going to find some great rocks and build myself an inukshuk. That will be my Canada Day present to myself.

You found a friend! That's amazing! I still don't have any friends here. But I haven't really tried to find a friend, either. We just moved to this State (VA) a couple of years ago (from FL), but I spent most of the first year in Canada due to a family emergency. I did spend the day with my former physiotherapist one time, though. We had a really nice time. She is from Egypt so she can relate. I should see if she wants to come to the garden centre!

Yes! Ask her if she would like to go to the garden centre!!!! I think finding the things that make us feel connected and grounded are important at times when we can feel so ungrounded. Connecting with nature really helps. A. Lot!

I got lucky with my friend as she was an old work colleague of my husbands who retired early. She has a lot of time and enjoys spending her time with me. She is similar to me in her thinking and sense of humour, and we have had some fun adventures to different places. Having her as helped, because I can share how I feel with her. Just getting away for the day and not thinking about all of these changes, and just 'being' is very important.

The garden center sounds perfect! Have a good day !!!

Edited June 14, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Gemmie 142]

Vicky, I haven't read all of this topic, just your first post, so sorry if I missed something else.

But I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. When I first moved here, I moved to the middle of nowhere to live with my husband and his parents. I couldn't drive, couldn't work, couldn't have my own money, and all I did was sit at home every day and wait for my husband to get home from work. It did affect our relationship in some ways. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back, I can see it- I was so whiney and miserable each day and the moment he walked through the door, I took the stress out on him, shouted at him if he resisted in any way, and then ended up feeling guilty for acting that way. Even when I got my AP, I had no money to visit the UK. And even when I got my EAD, I had no idea what to apply for. I started applying for all kinds of jobs, and no one would get back to me. I had disappointment after disappointment, and it all added up along with my homesickness, missing my friends in the UK, not having my independence, and I eventually starting feeling depressed. Again, not something I caught at the time. I just thought I was feeling sluggish. But looking back, I can say I was probably depressed. And why wouldn't I be? I lived in that situation for a year and a half, it was enough to bring anyone down.

Just to give you some perspective though, I barely recognise that person when I read old posts on here or think about what I used to do/think/feel. As soon as I passed my driving test, I got myself a job and that was it. Getting to see regular faces outside of my husband and his family was a blessing! We saved up enough to move out, and did so. That was about 1.5 years ago now, and I no longer feel miserable here. I do have days where I want to go to the UK, and all I want to do is see my friends there. But when I look at how far I've come here, and all I've accomplished, I honestly feel proud.

You will definitely get through this. DEFINITELY! I used to read peoples' posts on here when they told me that, and think 'maybe you did, but I never will'. Or 'just go out and meet people'? I would get mad... like, 'how am i supposed to do that with no money, no travel, and no PEOPLE around?' LOL. Really though, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's crazy to think that when you make the leap, you have no identity over here and you have to start over.

Please message me on here, and/or feel free to add me on Facebook if you want. We can chat about it whenever you like.

[lurgy 0]

Vicky, I haven't read all of this topic, just your first post, so sorry if I missed something else.

But I just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel. When I first moved here, I moved to the middle of nowhere to live with my husband and his parents. I couldn't drive, couldn't work, couldn't have my own money, and all I did was sit at home every day and wait for my husband to get home from work. It did affect our relationship in some ways. I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back, I can see it- I was so whiney and miserable each day and the moment he walked through the door, I took the stress out on him, shouted at him if he resisted in any way, and then ended up feeling guilty for acting that way. Even when I got my AP, I had no money to visit the UK. And even when I got my EAD, I had no idea what to apply for. I started applying for all kinds of jobs, and no one would get back to me. I had disappointment after disappointment, and it all added up along with my homesickness, missing my friends in the UK, not having my independence, and I eventually starting feeling depressed. Again, not something I caught at the time. I just thought I was feeling sluggish. But looking back, I can say I was probably depressed. And why wouldn't I be? I lived in that situation for a year and a half, it was enough to bring anyone down.

Just to give you some perspective though, I barely recognise that person when I read old posts on here or think about what I used to do/think/feel. As soon as I passed my driving test, I got myself a job and that was it. Getting to see regular faces outside of my husband and his family was a blessing! We saved up enough to move out, and did so. That was about 1.5 years ago now, and I no longer feel miserable here. I do have days where I want to go to the UK, and all I want to do is see my friends there. But when I look at how far I've come here, and all I've accomplished, I honestly feel proud.

You will definitely get through this. DEFINITELY! I used to read peoples' posts on here when they told me that, and think 'maybe you did, but I never will'. Or 'just go out and meet people'? I would get mad... like, 'how am i supposed to do that with no money, no travel, and no PEOPLE around?' LOL. Really though, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's crazy to think that when you make the leap, you have no identity over here and you have to start over.

Please message me on here, and/or feel free to add me on Facebook if you want. We can chat about it whenever you like.

Great post, and I totally agree. My husband is a saint for putting up with getting the blame for the 'stupid, swampy, assbackwards' country he 'made' me move to. Keeping busy is essential, even going for a walk around the block/area for an hour a day so as not to climb the walls. I found the bus and rode it like a crazy woman, making notes and trying to get to know the area. My worst part was after a week of playing housewife (deffo not me!) I would find it difficult to make conversation.We had been together for 7 years and I had a very high powered (see 'stressful'!)job in London, so always had something funny/interesting to say. suddenly I was telling him how I cooked the bloody dinner! Bored and boring. Long story short-hang on in there people, it will get better, and you will find your niche Your other half has to expect to get a bit of a battering, and will take it on the chin if they want to make it work.

[MissAAA 9]

**hugs**