Transition Issues

[SweetDelish 38]

I have just started the k1 process and have found this thread somewhat helpful. Things to expect, things to prepare for. Vicky and others thank you for your candid posts, it hasn't scared me. Its helped.

I recently spent a month in Hawaii with my fiance, hes based there for now (military), and he had to work every day, he was up at 4am and not home till 6pm at the earliest, one day he even worked a 24 hour shift. While we were both a little sad that he couldn't take any time off, I'm actually grateful, more so after reading this, as it gave me a taste of what life would be like. He had recently bought a new car so kept the old one for me to drive, it took me a few days but I learned to get around. By the end of my month I was driving to more than one destination in a trip. ha. Before that I would go where I needed to go, and then come back to the house so I wouldn't get lost.

My fiance has other buddies in his unit and previous unit with foreign wives, hes been talking to them about transition aswell.

Like you Vicky, I'll be moving in to the house that my fiance bought with his ex-wife. Hes been getting rid of the last bits of furniture they bought together that she left behind, so we can start buying our own. We've already bought 2 things together, and he wants to wait till I'm there to do the rest. Which is nice, and will help. We will be moving back to the mainland next year sometime, so we get to start again on a house to call ours.

Your husband sounds like hes working hard to figure out ways to support you. Hes learning about this as he goes, just as much as you are and sounds like a good man who loves you.

I look forward to continue reading both yours and others experiences, highs and lows.

Thank you.

[jundp 191]

On the other hand, my wife who is not a native English speaker...

Had her SS number applied for 16 hours after arrival, got the number 24 hours later

Had her own AND a joint bank account with me 40 hours after arriving WITH her SSN in hand.

Had a $500 Mastercard in her own name (NOT a secured card) in 40 hours

Had a 50% scholarship for a Masters Degree in Teaching English at a private university when she arrived

Started her masters degree classes 5 days after arrival, finished it in two years

Began driving lessons on day two

had her drivers license before she had her green card

We never checked our online status or counted days from filing the petition, we were too busy preparing

We had a 13 year old non-native speaker that started school day 2 and was promoted TWO grades before Christmas, he won the Math Olympiad for the state last year and is currenlty attending math classes at the University of Vermont. He is now 17. Our 21 year old just received a full piad scholarhsip, assistant professorship and stipend for a doctorate degree at Rice University.

My wife started and operates her own very successful business and has for more than three years

So I guess I wonder, the the HECK are you talking about??????????? And who's fault is it, precisely?

Good for your wife! However, what is your purpose in coming in this thread, in the UK forum, to belittle someone who is venting and make her feel awful with your incredibly non-helpful comment? I don't know anyone who gets an "assistant professorship" when they don't have a Phd already. Besides that, what do any of those things you listed have to do with this thread? Most people finish their MA in 2 years. And is the MA in TOEFL or EFL? Because not to be a jerk, but I wouldn't really brag if it's an MIT or an MAT, though to be sure, it's an accomplishment about which your wife should be proud. Finally, do you ever talk about anything but your wife's accomplishments (or her sons'?). It's as though you have none of your own, other than meeting her, which is great, but again, has no bearing on this thread.

I could say:

My husband who is not a native speaker of English:

Had his driver's license the second day he was in America

He finished his Master's thesis while he was waiting for his green card.

He had a job with a Fortune 500 company a week after receiving his green card -- a job he still has and loves.

He...blah blah blah blah.

I could and it would all be true...BUT WHO THE HECK CARES????

Vicky: Good luck. It's hard to be alienated from friends, family, not have a job or a DL. There will be some tough times. Hang in there.

ETA: Also, Vicky, it sounds like you really do have it together and are appreciative of what you have, but like every normal person, sometimes you need to vent.

Edited May 12, 2012 by jundp

[Penguin_ie 5,992]

***** Several off topic posts and personal attacks removed. Let's get back on topic please, and stay civil to one another. ***

[Peter_Pan 661]

Well, that's depressing, talk about a threat that is mirroring all my concerns.

[Peter_Pan 661]

*thread

[Vicky and Larry 27]

*thread

It's not depressing as such, more about real experiences. I am not giving up or wishing I had never come here, it's just a transition. These are temporary feelings. They are not about my husband or me, they are just about dealing with BIG changes.

I hope you can turn your perspective around that's exactly what I am trying my best to do.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I am going to stay away for a while. I need to be submerged in my 'real' life and not use this as a place to escape.

Just getting on with life.

[Justine+David 218]

David took awhile to transition as well. He had no driving experience (Dad drove him to work) at all and so I taught him (I learned I am not a good driving teacher! Ended up getting him professional lessons. He says he will be teaching our future kids how to drive...). He applied to school in the fall after arriving in June 2010 and we decided to let him not work while waiting since we could afford it and to give him time for transition and work on his novel (his savings from working paid for our wedding and honeymoon). Nearly two years later, he's finishing up his accelerated masters in education and will be teaching high school this fall (he has an undergrad degree in physics)

He's adjusted well (besides the rude drivers in the DC metropolitan area!) and enjoys his life here in the US and with me

Don't compare yourself to others; do what you need to do for yourself. We did a ton of research on the immigration process and various schools to get his teaching degree so that we were better informed to make decisions and it really felt like we had much more control over our life knowing as much about this process as possible. Take control--read what you can do and figure out what your dreams are and what you need to do to achieve them.

Edited May 12, 2012 by Justine+David

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Maybe Gary shouldn't come barging into a thread with his exaggerations that are designed to...do what exactly? Antagonize people who are share their experiences of what can sometimes be a difficult adjustment process? Especially when you are moving from the United Kingdom and not some place we are repeatedly told where "life is hard" and rife with corruption?

He really is more thin-skinned that I thought if he couldn't handle the responses that were posted here.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Maybe Gary shouldn't come barging into a thread with his exaggerations that are designed to...do what exactly? Antagonize people who are share their experiences of what can sometimes be a difficult adjustment process? Especially when you are moving from the United Kingdom and not some place we are repeatedly told where "life is hard" and rife with corruption?

He really is more thin-skinned that I thought if he couldn't handle the responses that were posted here.

It wasn't Gary that complained. It was me...my first ever in 4+ years on VJ. I complained that Gary barged in with nothing helpful and the smackdown crew followed and derailed the thread. All the subsequent cr@pola was way off topic (as this is). So can we please just leave it?

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

I am not sure who the "smackdown crew" are but I am happy to leave it. However, leaving the original provocation (which adds nothing) guarantees that people will continue to respond and derail the thread.

[Peter_Pan 661]

I find Gary funny - he always shows off the accomplishments of the kids that aren't biologically his and that he didn't raise, while keeping his mouth shut on the achievments of the sons that are actually his and was responsable for.

[Fandango 1,439]

I find Gary funny - he always shows off the accomplishments of the kids that aren't biologically his and that he didn't raise, while keeping his mouth shut on the achievments of the sons that are actually his and was responsable for.

+1 to you, fine sir.

[trojam227 18]

This house that I am living in used to be my husbands home with his first wife, they lived here for 12 years and were married for 14 years. Larry lived on his own here as a bachelor for 3 years, but I wonder sometimes whether that fact is bothering me? ....I have to shower....

Maybe when you get on your feet and start gaining some confidence you can make a suggestion to your husband that you start shopping around for a new house. I live in the house that me & my ex shared at one time, and I already have a plan that when my husband gets here we will put it on the market and look for a place that's OURS.

Another thought, since you like blogging, why not jump into some photography to document all the new things around your new home! A lot of adult continuing education centers have photography classes and maybe it will get your creativity flowing?!

I bought my husband a DSLR camera and a couple of lenses for our anniversary, so he is learning how to use it now so he atleast has something to do and show people back home, if he can't find a job right away.

I feel bad that you are struggling this much...wish I lived closer, we could hang out. I'm a little worried about my hub not adjusting well whenever he finally gets here. He lives life as a single guy in his own flat with his grown kids in the same town, but does his own thing. I live in a house with my kids who I love to death but miss companionship tremendously and can't wait to feel motivated again to go outside and make the yard look beautiful, or cook dinner, or iron clothes for someone who enjoys & appreciates it. I'll be so happy to have him and he'll hate it. That's my biggest nightmare.

Hang in there hunny, he is probably loving that you are around and you will find your own identity again.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I have a couple of suggestions for those who aren't here yet, and for those who read this thread in the future:

To the one moving from abroad:

Make sure you have some of your everyday familiar items with you from Day One. Things that to you, make your present home a home. Some art prints; a decorative pillow; anything - whatever it is that says "home" to you. Even if it's worn out. It's yours. It's home.

Try to think of your first few months here as a time to renew yourself. Plan for the renewal. Make a list of projects you have been wanting to do and didn't have time for in your old busy life. Share these projects with your American spouse BEFORE YOU GET HERE. Set aside funds for them (if necessary) and then DO THEM when you get here.

Be open and honest with your American spouse. Their life has changed now that you are here. But not as much as yours. Sometimes we get busy and just think you are OK. Tell us when you aren't.

To the US citizen:

Get rid of the blatant "ex" stuff in your.

Make closest space, drawer space, bookcase space, DVD space - as much space as you can.

Make a physical space for your spouse from abroad. I hung a pair of curtains in our home office that looked like some you see would see in my husband's country. We hung two pictures from his old house over his desk.

Get some patience and some understanding. And some empathy. Lots. You might have been the reason someone moved thousands of miles to get here. But you aren't a good enough reason for their life to come to a standstill.