Transition Issues

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Hi, I didn't read the entire thread, but for the SSA not treating you as they should, I strongly suggest that you file a complaint online on this page

I'm having major issues right now because a lazy braindead guy at POE didn't correct my misspelled last name, thus SSA can't find me in the database they use for checking an alien status, and they won't give an SSN, although I am officially a Legal Permanent Resident! I filed an online complaint (mostly because the agent I ran into at the SS office was extremely unfriendly), and I got a reply within a couple days. Worst case scenario, it won't help, but I think it's worth trying, at least and if only to make sure SSA is aware that their agents are not providing acceptable level of service.

Next problem, banking: what bank are your husband's accounts with? Bank of America can add aliens without SSNs to an existing account, all they need is an address abroad to enter you as a non-resident alien. When you receive your SSN, you can go back and have them correct your status to resident alien. Sometimes, they'll tell you they can't (and it seems that's what they usually do if you ask over the phone), just insist or go to another branch. If he is at another bank, insist and have him say he's going to leave them to become a BoA customer instead...

(I got added to my husband's BoA accounts last Tuesday and my atm card is on its way, although SSA is screwing me.)

I can't really give you advice on how to manage the emotional consequences of this situation because I'm overwhelmed by all this myself. I've been here for just a few weeks and I still haven't found my balance, of course the whole CBP error mess I'm encountering is not helping.

I feel like a child, completely depending on my husband: financially, he's the only one working right now, I need to ask every time I want to buy something (hopefully, getting my atm card is gonna make this less awkward) ; in my everyday life, as I can't drive, I depend on him to go places and have to ask again ; etc...

He's very understanding but it still makes me feel pretty bad to be entirely depending on another person. I'm a 33-year old with 10+ years on the job market and a past experience of 5 years living in another country, and I feel like a 15-year old unable to do anything by herself. Of course it's terrible for self-confidence and I've never felt so vulnerable.

All I can say is keeping myself busy out of the house helps. I walk, I take the bus to go downtown/to the mall, I go to yoga classes at least 3 times a week... nothing mindblowing but it keeps me sane.

Frustration IS part of the process I'm afraid. As well as feeling like you don't belong, like everything is complicated.

I feel angry at my husband too. I know it's not his fault, but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's responsible for putting me in such a difficult situation. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be coping with all that, right? It sounds silly but that's the kind of feeling you can't suppress. This is just misdirected anger, don't feel guilty for it but try to vent it without throwing it to his face. When you feel more secure, it will go away.

Give yourself some time. Eventually, things will come together and we'll be finding our own routine here.

First off let me give you a hug ((((((()))))))) (I think that's a virtual one )

I can TOTALY relate to the feelings you have expressed about feeling vulnerable, and I think that's been one of the hardest issues for me to deal with. My epiphany today was that just because I feel vulnerable it doesn't mean anything terrible is going to happen. Once I made that distinction I can honestly say that a load has been lifted off my shoulders. One of the positives of that vulnerbale feeling is about learning just how much you trust your husband. I have to work hard at not feeling helpless and remembering these are temporary measures being places on me. Apart from that, yer, anger and frustration are a normal reaction to an extraordinary event, and I would say that relocating and marrying are pretty extraordinary from the everyday.

I am glad you have yoga, because exercise helps release the good endorphins. They do Pilates classes at the gym I go, but for now I feel like I need to power all those feelings out of my body by going crazy with some mad cardio sessions, ha, ha.

The confidence issue is a real hard one, especially when you are used to being so independent, I can relate to that. I think you are right about keeping busy, and remembering that the person you are in those normal contexts is still the person you are, but first you have to come to terms with the temporary changes immigration places on you. I think I would like to put an article together on how traumatic the immigration process can be for people. There must be a less emotionally harmful way of doing this - like having properly trained SSA offices - gits!

I am trying to put together a exhaustive SSN guide for people on here, because it seems like it's a real headache for a lot of people. Maybe you would like to help me out with that? No pressure, just an idea???

You are right that soon we will feel like "normal' again. In the meantime I will think of ways of making the world a better place to live, ha, ha.

Thanks for your candid response. You remind me a little of me by the way you write, which of course is a compliment.

Keep your chin up girl and know you are not alone. Not at all!

[Vicky and Larry 27]

She does, dried fish, strange vegetables, fish with heads on, little angel statues, pork with the skin still on, orchids, little angel statues, vinegar that burns the tongue its so hot, huge bottles of soy sauce, rice cooker, little angel statues, cell phone chargers, noodles, 20 kilo bags of rice, did I mention little angel statues? lol

As to dust bunnies, they have fled the neighbors homes out of fear of her! My books are organized by author. My perpetually cluttered office is now so organized I can't find a thing.

Ha, ha, ha ,ha. You are funny. Your office scenario sounds like what I have done here. Poor Larry is trying to file two years worth of receipts so that I can go in there and perform my magic.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

If he doesn't understand this, send him here and us other husbands will have a discussion with him. Its his time to learn to be very supportive even when he's feeling pushed away. Its the least we can do for causing all those feelings The hard thing is learning when to back off and when to hold on tight when you get in those moments. I can tell you its hard from the other side to. Coming home from work, tired and worn out, hoping to have your loving happy wife there, and instead finding an emotionally tormented bottle of conflicting rage facing you, and none of them are good emotions. But I have to say, in the end it is so worth it, and I wouldn't change a minute of it. Even those hard times have worked to bring us closer together and understand each other more.

I am going to show Larry this one - he will totally relate. I apologised last night for being hard to live with lately, and he said "you are not hard to live with you have just been trying to learn to deal with this situation". He either has a terrible memory, was afraid that I could have used any object in the bedroom as a blunt instrument, or he really loves me. You sound like a great guy.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Laure&Colin 557]

First off let me give you a hug ((((((()))))))) (I think that's a virtual one )

I can TOTALY relate to the feelings you have expressed about feeling vulnerable, and I think that's been one of the hardest issues for me to deal with. My epiphany today was that just because I feel vulnerable it doesn't mean anything terrible is going to happen. Once I made that distinction I can honestly say that a load has been lifted off my shoulders. One of the positives of that vulnerbale feeling is about learning just how much you trust your husband. I have to work hard at not feeling helpless and remembering these are temporary measures being places on me. Apart from that, yer, anger and frustration are a normal reaction to an extraordinary event, and I would say that relocating and marrying are pretty extraordinary from the everyday.

I am glad you have yoga, because exercise helps release the good endorphins. They do Pilates classes at the gym I go, but for now I feel like I need to power all those feelings out of my body by going crazy with some mad cardio sessions, ha, ha.

The confidence issue is a real hard one, especially when you are used to being so independent, I can relate to that. I think you are right about keeping busy, and remembering that the person you are in those normal contexts is still the person you are, but first you have to come to terms with the temporary changes immigration places on you. I think I would like to put an article together on how traumatic the immigration process can be for people. There must be a less emotionally harmful way of doing this - like having properly trained SSA offices - gits!

I am trying to put together a exhaustive SSN guide for people on here, because it seems like it's a real headache for a lot of people. Maybe you would like to help me out with that? No pressure, just an idea???

You are right that soon we will feel like "normal' again. In the meantime I will think of ways of making the world a better place to live, ha, ha.

Thanks for your candid response. You remind me a little of me by the way you write, which of course is a compliment.

Keep your chin up girl and know you are not alone. Not at all!

I'm not sure I'm the most qualified person to write an SSA guide right now, since my own problem remains unsolved as of today!

My yoga classes are "core power" yoga, so it's really an aerobic workout and it leaves you worn out by the end of the session... I recommend it to anyone looking for a healthy, mind-relieving workout.

I like your idea of writing an article about the trauma of immigration. It looks like a lot of people here seem to think that all the difficulties end when the visa is received (the happily ever after syndrom), when in fact, the toughest part is just starting. Emotionally, waiting for the visa is draining and unbearable, but adjusting after arrival goes far beyond that as it's completely destabilizing. My husband and I had lived together for about 2 years before he went back to the US, and I can only imagine how much harder it is for couples who live together for the first time right after POE.

It's not all negative, of course. I'm happy as a clam to live near the ocean, have access to Mexican food, and a lot of other stuff, including being with my husband again. But the anxiety caused by the situation kind of spoils it. And I think it's fairly normal, I just have to accept it and give myself some time to process the change.

I remember reading in the past articles about the life events that psychologists consider the most unsettling for a person: among them, getting married, moving to a different region (let alone continent), quitting a job, leaving ones appartment/house. We immigrants usually go through ALL of this AT THE SAME TIME. Change can be fun, it's exciting, but it's also always hard. When the "new" becomes the routine, the normal, then anxiety level goes slowly back down to its natural state.

Peace and hugs.

PS: pardon my Frenglish

Edited May 11, 2012 by Laure&Colin

[*Snowdrop* 604]

PS: pardon my Frenglish

Laure are you French because your English is amazing.

I've been here just over three years now and I've found that the transition to life here has come in waves. We dated long distance for three years before I moved so there was the initial euphoria at being together finally and then the same first frustrations as everyone else here, feeling a bit helpless and dependent. Then back to confidence and a happy balance with things starting to fall into place - job, driving around getting to know the area, finding favourite places etc.

Then I had a baby and wham - all the homesickness came back, several of my friends back home all had babies the same year and I felt isolated from the fun of sharing the experience with them. Sure I had new friends here but it's not quite the same as your old long term buddies, if you know what I mean. I started to miss all the UK shops again and of course it made being apart from my close family harder too. Add in new baby exhaustion and there were definitely some teary nights. Two years on from the birth and I'm back into a happy balance. So I think the key is to hang on in there and be prepared for some ups and downs.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I'm not sure I'm the most qualified person to write an SSA guide right now, since my own problem remains unsolved as of today!

My yoga classes are "core power" yoga, so it's really an aerobic workout and it leaves you worn out by the end of the session... I recommend it to anyone looking for a healthy, mind-relieving workout.

I like your idea of writing an article about the trauma of immigration. It looks like a lot of people here seem to think that all the difficulties end when the visa is received (the happily ever after syndrom), when in fact, the toughest part is just starting. Emotionally, waiting for the visa is draining and unbearable, but adjusting after arrival goes far beyond that as it's completely destabilizing. My husband and I had lived together for about 2 years before he went back to the US, and I can only imagine how much harder it is for couples who live together for the first time right after POE.

It's not all negative, of course. I'm happy as a clam to live near the ocean, have access to Mexican food, and a lot of other stuff, including being with my husband again. But the anxiety caused by the situation kind of spoils it. And I think it's fairly normal, I just have to accept it and give myself some time to process the change.

I remember reading in the past articles about the life events that psychologists consider the most unsettling for a person: among them, getting married, moving to a different region (let alone continent), quitting a job, leaving ones appartment/house. We immigrants usually go through ALL of this AT THE SAME TIME. Change can be fun, it's exciting, but it's also always hard. When the "new" becomes the routine, the normal, then anxiety level goes slowly back down to its natural state.

Peace and hugs.

PS: pardon my Frenglish

I didn't notice that you were from France. Your written English is very good, (sorry if that sounds patronizing). My husband speaks fluent French, in fact, one of my french friends said that he could be mistaken for a local as he speaks so well - I like to boast about that as he is very modest and would be totally embarrassed by that :-). Plus, I don't speak a word of any language,except my own, ha,ha. I have always wanted too, so I admire that quality in people. He has French friends here who we have visited with and he lived in France when he was training to be a teacher and totally submerged himself in the culture.

You are right about the psychological aspects of this journey - there's a good graph that Nick-Nich posted on this thread, which represents a visualization of the process. I often wonder what it must be like for people whose first language is not English or quasi American English. It must be so much harder.

I am quite jealous that you are by the ocean, we are about as far away as you can get, but we do have the muddy Mississippi, which seems like an ocean due to it's vastness.

I hear the tension you feel about being happy to be together, and having new opportunities in life, at the same time as all the other not so good feelings people have described. People assume that as you are newly married and living in a new and exciting place that life must be perfect -- I am working my way to just feeling content :-) I think we will get there.

Keep me posted on your SSN battles. I wonder if my experiences may help? I finally got my card, today actually after a second visit to a different office. I picked it out of the letterbox while I was walking the dog, and then shouted "yes".

ps I used to practice Bikram Yoga, but I can't get to the classes here. I would also recommend that one. You go girl!

Edited May 11, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I am probably not going to say anything that other people on this forum have not heard before, or even experienced in a similar way. I do need to vent, though, and especially with people who I believe understand how this feels. I thought I was over the worst of the transition issues, but it seems from offering someone else in the same situation solace from my experiences that it just raised a whole lot of angry and frustrated that I thought I had come to terms with. I guess, I was just being naive?

This is my main gripe, which I am sure is old news, but I still need to say it out loud:

Once immigration have established that you are moving to this country for REAL reasons, shouldn't they make it easier for you to integrate? I left everything I own, apart from a suitcase of clothes, to be here. I was willing to move to a whole new country just to be with someone. Being married is a life change, and leaving your home is an even bigger one. Why should I then still be treated with suspicion and with a 2nd class status? In fact, I don't even have a status, well, apart from an alien one. I can't access anything here. I can't drive, because I need an SSN and MO officials don't know what they are doing. I cant be added onto my husbands bank account. I am effectively under house arrest. I feel like I have nothing to get up for in the morning. I dread waking up and trying to feel excited about house chores...and for the next 6 months!?

Missouri does not have public transport, unless you want to walk 2 miles to a bus stop, wait for hours, and have to get multiple buses to one destination that may also go through the less desirable parts of town. That's been my biggest hurdle. I can't get around unless people want to pick me up and drive me places, which I do not like to ask. And, then mostly everyone works in the day.

I feel like since the K1 application really began that I have felt frustrated. Maybe it's me and maybe it's part of the process? I had a head injury 16 months ago and one of the issues I feel that has changed is that I have less patience and I get frustrated more easily than I used to-- this process is really testing that side of me. I saw a neurologist over here a few weeks ago who assures me that my symptoms are in the range of 'normal' for someone who has suffered a head injury. I have frontal brain atrophy, which is a degenerative issues that we all experience as we get older, except that my frontal lobes are smaller than they should be for someone of my age. The long and short of it is that although my front lobes have shrunk due to the trauma, I do not have any long-term damage, and I should make a full recovery, they just don't know how long.

I wonder whether I am just constantly unhappy? I feel so confused. How much is this about the new changes in my life? And, how much is about my head injury?

I have read about 'Transition Shock' and I can definitely relate to a lot of what it says - I don't feel homesick in that I think that going back to the U.K will fix everything. I am sure I can make it here and that I can be happy overtime, but this short-term hurdle of adjusting, feeling disconnected, feeling like my new home is not really my home at all, and I mean my husbands home. I just don't feel like this is my home yet. He has been so good about letting me move stuff around and paint and all that, but just being in the house all day by myself is driving me insane. I have applied for some voluntary positions that I could walk to. This just does not feel so healthy, not for me anyway. I have an inquisitive and analytical mind, which has it's pros and cons. In the field I want to work in it will serve me well, but too much time on my hands and it's a disaster. Time is all I flipping have.

It's started effecting my relationship now. Not in a detrimental way, but in ways I think we could avoid if there weren't all this frustration. My husband works a lot, and is in the middle of a doctorate, so we literally get one day a week where we can just be together. I am finding that it's not enough with all this time I have on my hands.

I am trying to unscramble all my thoughts as I type this and put them in some kind of order....

I think I feel angry with him, because I don't feel like he understands how this feels. Sure I am happy to be with him, finally in the same country, and I do love him to pieces, but I don't enjoy all the sacrifices and hurdles. And, sure other people have it worse, but this is my reality and my feelings feel real to me.

I am very good at dismissing my own feelings, so I have to work hard at hearing myself and making sure that does not happen, so when we talk I need him to make it easy for me to be honest, and sometimes that just does not happen. I know that is a part of relationships and overcoming your own way of communicating as a couple, but right now we suck at it. We are usually a good team, but with his work stresses and my issues it seems like a bad combo.

I don't understand why I feel angry with him?

I do not like not having my own money and my own bank card, I have to ask for things. My husband is not a control freak, either, he wants me on the bank account. Arghhhh I am getting sick of reading my words now.

Blah. blah.

On the other hand, my wife who is not a native English speaker...

Had her SS number applied for 16 hours after arrival, got the number 24 hours later

Had her own AND a joint bank account with me 40 hours after arriving WITH her SSN in hand.

Had a $500 Mastercard in her own name (NOT a secured card) in 40 hours

Had a 50% scholarship for a Masters Degree in Teaching English at a private university when she arrived

Started her masters degree classes 5 days after arrival, finished it in two years

Began driving lessons on day two

had her drivers license before she had her green card

We never checked our online status or counted days from filing the petition, we were too busy preparing

We had a 13 year old non-native speaker that started school day 2 and was promoted TWO grades before Christmas, he won the Math Olympiad for the state last year and is currenlty attending math classes at the University of Vermont. He is now 17. Our 21 year old just received a full piad scholarhsip, assistant professorship and stipend for a doctorate degree at Rice University.

My wife started and operates her own very successful business and has for more than three years

So I guess I wonder, the the HECK are you talking about??????????? And who's fault is it, precisely?

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Wow, that's just so amazing. Where's your gold star?

[VJ Supersleuth 100]

On the other hand, my wife who is not a native English speaker...

...

We had a 13 year old non-native speaker that started school day 2 and was promoted TWO grades before Christmas, he won the Math Olympiad for the state last year and is currenlty attending math classes at the University of Vermont. He is now 17. Our 21 year old just received a full piad scholarhsip, assistant professorship and stipend for a doctorate degree at Rice University.

...

Gary and Alla, impressive list, indeed! This is the first I've ever heard of someone getting an assistant professorship before getting their PhD. Lecturer, sure. Professor, especially at a place like Rice, never. I tip my hat to you, sir.

With your list of accomplishments, my apologies, Alla's accomplishments, I can see why you were drawn to this thread to offer words of encouragement and advice to the OP, rather than the usual "non-answers" this forum tends to receive.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

The correct term for PhD students who teach is "graduate assistant"

[Fandango 1,439]

Gary, I wonder how many posts you'd make per day if you were limited to talking about *your* accomplishments, instead of riding your wife's coattails.

Yeah, it's that obvious.

I actually feel really badly for you, and I mean that in the most sincerest way possible.\

I mean not for nothing, get an identity which doesn't already belong to someone, yeah?

Edited May 11, 2012 by Anita Cocktail

[Laure&Colin 557]

On the other hand, my wife who is not a native English speaker...

Had her SS number applied for 16 hours after arrival, got the number 24 hours later

Had her own AND a joint bank account with me 40 hours after arriving WITH her SSN in hand.

Had a $500 Mastercard in her own name (NOT a secured card) in 40 hours

Had a 50% scholarship for a Masters Degree in Teaching English at a private university when she arrived

Started her masters degree classes 5 days after arrival, finished it in two years

Began driving lessons on day two

had her drivers license before she had her green card

We never checked our online status or counted days from filing the petition, we were too busy preparing

We had a 13 year old non-native speaker that started school day 2 and was promoted TWO grades before Christmas, he won the Math Olympiad for the state last year and is currenlty attending math classes at the University of Vermont. He is now 17. Our 21 year old just received a full piad scholarhsip, assistant professorship and stipend for a doctorate degree at Rice University.

My wife started and operates her own very successful business and has for more than three years

So I guess I wonder, the the HECK are you talking about??????????? And who's fault is it, precisely?

I would have LOVED to get my SSN 24 hours after arrival. In fact, I applied for it BEFORE arriving, since I checked the box requesting it on the DS-230, aka Immigrant Visa Application Form.

However, I've been fighting all week to resolve some stupid database problems that caused the SSA to be unable to issue my SSN, instead of doing productive things like gettint a job.

Is that MY fault because I'm a lazy sc*mbag? No, unfortunately, it's a CBP officer's fault, who didn't know how to do his job properly.

I received my GC, before even getting my SSN, but guess what?? There's a problem with the card, my fingerprint is not engraved in there. Is it MY fault if the guy supposed to check that GCs are good to go failed to see it ??

It's great for you if everything worked out so well. It's not always so easy for everyone.

And for the others, yes I'm French, and I do have difficulties understanding some people - notably, the USCIS call center Tier 1 agents... or people with a strong accent, whether it's from Texas or China doesn't matter.

Vicky and Larry: SSN battle possibly won. I called the local office today and was told my name is not in the pending verification list, which supposedly means that my SSN was generated. Of course, it could just be that the agent on the phone had fat fingers or couldn't read, thus not finding my name in there. I'll be sure next Monday as I go there (again). However, since the DMV uses the same database (SAVE) to check an alien status, if I apply for my driving license before the mess was fixed by the CBP, I will be sent to extended verification again...

[MissAAA 9]

GOOD NEWS!

My husband wants to make me joint owner of the house. He is scheduling it as I type. I don't quite feel like I have deserved that title as yet, but it is a great feeling So, now when I want to girlie the place up I can feel legitimate about it.

Yay! Today is turning out to be a great day!

Yay! La, la, la, la, la. Yay!

Thanks everyone for all your input and lovely messages and support. I am going to think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful husband who loves me.

Thats the spirit girl!!!!

**hugs**

[Vicky and Larry 27]

I would have LOVED to get my SSN 24 hours after arrival. In fact, I applied for it BEFORE arriving, since I checked the box requesting it on the DS-230, aka Immigrant Visa Application Form.

However, I've been fighting all week to resolve some stupid database problems that caused the SSA to be unable to issue my SSN, instead of doing productive things like gettint a job.

Is that MY fault because I'm a lazy sc*mbag? No, unfortunately, it's a CBP officer's fault, who didn't know how to do his job properly.

I received my GC, before even getting my SSN, but guess what?? There's a problem with the card, my fingerprint is not engraved in there. Is it MY fault if the guy supposed to check that GCs are good to go failed to see it ??

It's great for you if everything worked out so well. It's not always so easy for everyone.

And for the others, yes I'm French, and I do have difficulties understanding some people - notably, the USCIS call center Tier 1 agents... or people with a strong accent, whether it's from Texas or China doesn't matter.

Vicky and Larry: SSN battle possibly won. I called the local office today and was told my name is not in the pending verification list, which supposedly means that my SSN was generated. Of course, it could just be that the agent on the phone had fat fingers or couldn't read, thus not finding my name in there. I'll be sure next Monday as I go there (again). However, since the DMV uses the same database (SAVE) to check an alien status, if I apply for my driving license before the mess was fixed by the CBP, I will be sent to extended verification again...

I should just ignore that comment you were referring to -- aren't they called internet trolls, or something?

I am pleased about your SSN results and I surely hope it wasn't all down to some guy with fat fingers and actual correct information. You say you don't have enough knowledge to participate in putting together a SSN guide for dummies (no offense meant, just referring to that principle) and yet your post is full of knowledge. Experience is such a wonderful gift, ha, ha. If you change your mind, let me know, because I could do with someone to brainstorm with

Thats the spirit girl!!!!

**hugs**

Thank you. Lots of hugs back atcha. :star:

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Vicky, you don't know me but just sending some UK forum spirit and support.