Transition Issues

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Marrage is hard for anyone, and the situation you put yourself in by choice is tough but you must have known this from the beginning.

Of course I knew it would be tough, but I couldn't anticipate exactly how I would feel - experience is the best teacher, and I had not experienced this situation before. Ever. All the things you have outlined are things I tell myself everyday, and part of my problem is that I beat up on myself, and then I am no use to anyone. I see what you are saying, and I have realised that I have been getting caught up in a spiral of negative feelings. You are right in that it will work out, because I will make it so.

I did feel a little uncomfortable that you were telling me off, but I really do appreciate it too. Sometimes I need that!

[Elora & Rob 15]

Of course I knew it would be tough, but I couldn't anticipate exactly how I would feel - experience is the best teacher, and I had not experienced this situation before. Ever. All the things you have outlined are things I tell myself everyday, and part of my problem is that I beat up on myself, and then I am no use to anyone. I see what you are saying, and I have realised that I have been getting caught up in a spiral of negative feelings. You are right in that it will work out, because I will make it so.

I did feel a little uncomfortable that you were telling me off, but I really do appreciate it too. Sometimes I need that!

was just a bit of tough love. i figured you had 5 pages of nicey nicey and it wasnt really helping. i have shown all your posts to my fiance. its helped us plan ahead. in return i just want to help you.

i think in general myself and my fiance have a few advantages over yourself and larry so i do feel for you. we will be moving into a new place together, no kids, i will have the equivalent of her salary saved up, i can drive already etc. i really feel for you. but you will make it if you love the way that I do.

personally i am a person of faith as well. this helps me when i am in a sad place. not sure if thats something for you but you need to find solace somewhere.

in all honesty it may even be worthwhile showing this to larry. your vows will have said in sickness and in health, good times and bad. right now your sick, right now is a bad time and he needs to be there for you. his job means nothing compared to your happiness and your marriage working.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Elora&Robert

[Vicky and Larry 27]

was just a bit of tough love. i figured you had 5 pages of nicey nicey and it wasnt really helping. i have shown all your posts to my fiance. its helped us plan ahead. in return i just want to help you.

i think in general myself and my fiance have a few advantages over yourself and larry so i do feel for you. we will be moving into a new place together, no kids, i will have the equivalent of her salary saved up, i can drive already etc. i really feel for you. but you will make it if you love the way that I do.

personally i am a person of faith as well. this helps me when i am in a sad place. not sure if thats something for you but you need to find solace somewhere.

in all honesty it may even be worthwhile showing this to larry. your vows will have said in sickness and in health, good times and bad. right now your sick, right now is a bad time and he needs to be there for you. his job means nothing compared to your happiness and your marriage working.

You are good. I am glad that my whining and moaning has at least helped the both of you prepare. I think the more prep you do the easier it will feel. I do feel so much better today. Larry and I Plurk (like twitter) every day while he's at work and I told him a little while ago that I had my epiphany about how I have been feeling and why. He said he knew that I would figure things out. He's been so very patient at times - he is a full-time senior English teacher, doing a Doctorate and learning how to be a step-dad to a 16 year old, whom is alos attending the school he works at. We are planning on going for a hike at the weekend and taking cheese and Branston pickle sandwiches.

Bring things with you that help you feel grounded - sentimental keep sakes, pictures whatever it is. I like to burn incense, my favourite kind, because the smell reminds me of feeling like I am at home.

When do you arrive?

Thanks for the tough love.

[Caryh 5,206]

I am going to ask my husband if we can get some flowers and some hanging baskets, so that I can put them together for the porch, and make this place look like a girl lives here

You haven't been putting any of your own touches on the place yet? Yes, definitely, positively, get some of your own personal touches on the place. Ask to repaint a room, go shopping for a picture to hang, or some photographs, plant flowers and vegetables if you like them. I had just bought a new home while we were waiting for the K-1 approval. I purposely did not decorate until she got here. She's also a devote Catholic, and having a shrine is a custom. I made sure there was a prime spot for that shrine to be set up. The first week she was here we went searching for the proper Mary statue to be on that shrine. Had to order it, as it wasn't a common one here, but we got it. That shrine is seen by anyone coming into the home. She hasn't asked for a lot of things to go up, thinking to her place back home she kept things simple. But she has definitely put her mark on the place. Pictures of our wedding we real important to her to, so they're up there now. Flowers, which she absolutely loves, so besides always having fresh cut flowers, we now have indoor flowering plants and quite a few outdoor flowers now that it has warmed up. Its taken her a while, but shes feeling more and more like this is our home, and not my house. Putting her own touches on it, is part of how she's gotten to feel that way. Heck try rearranging the furniture even. Anything to change your mind from the trap of thinking its his house and not your home together. Because it is a trap you put on yourself and only you can lift yourself out of it.

[Elora & Rob 15]

You are good. I am glad that my whining and moaning has at least helped the both of you prepare. I think the more prep you do the easier it will feel. I do feel so much better today. Larry and I Plurk (like twitter) every day while he's at work and I told him a little while ago that I had my epiphany about how I have been feeling and why. He said he knew that I would figure things out. He's been so very patient at times - he is a full-time senior English teacher, doing a Doctorate and learning how to be a step-dad to a 16 year old, whom is alos attending the school he works at. We are planning on going for a hike at the weekend and taking cheese and Branston pickle sandwiches.

Bring things with you that help you feel grounded - sentimental keep sakes, pictures whatever it is. I like to burn incense, my favourite kind, because the smell reminds me of feeling like I am at home.

When do you arrive?

Thanks for the tough love.

i should get my visa in September, but wont move until December so that I can have a decent amount of money saved up and my fiance is just graduating from college. i am in vegas right now though. elora is asleep and im still suffering a bit of jetlag so up early. shes off work today so i am excited to spend a full day with her. i am here until sunday then go to work in phoenix for a few days, then fly back on thursday, before going home saturday. then 2 weeks later i come back for 2 weeks. so right now i am in a really happy place. feel very positive about my future.

yes i am going to do things like that. do you have a world market near you? they sell food from all over the world including the UK. my fiances mother is very sweet and even when i visit she has cadburys chocolate in her house. i am going to join a soccer/football team as well and will get the fox soccer channel so i can keep up with spurs games.

my work have an office in LA and i am quietly confident they will offer me a position there when i get my EAD. i have friends there already from working. Elora has said she would move there without hesitation just like she would with england. even if that doesnt work with the job in LA i am confident things will work out.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

You haven't been putting any of your own touches on the place yet? Yes, definitely, positively, get some of your own personal touches on the place. Ask to repaint a room, go shopping for a picture to hang, or some photographs, plant flowers and vegetables if you like them. I had just bought a new home while we were waiting for the K-1 approval. I purposely did not decorate until she got here. She's also a devote Catholic, and having a shrine is a custom. I made sure there was a prime spot for that shrine to be set up. The first week she was here we went searching for the proper Mary statue to be on that shrine. Had to order it, as it wasn't a common one here, but we got it. That shrine is seen by anyone coming into the home. She hasn't asked for a lot of things to go up, thinking to her place back home she kept things simple. But she has definitely put her mark on the place. Pictures of our wedding we real important to her to, so they're up there now. Flowers, which she absolutely loves, so besides always having fresh cut flowers, we now have indoor flowering plants and quite a few outdoor flowers now that it has warmed up. Its taken her a while, but shes feeling more and more like this is our home, and not my house. Putting her own touches on it, is part of how she's gotten to feel that way. Heck try rearranging the furniture even. Anything to change your mind from the trap of thinking its his house and not your home together. Because it is a trap you put on yourself and only you can lift yourself out of it.

I like what you said about how I feel about this place is a trap I place on my own mind. That's a great visual for me and a great metaphor. I have definitely fallen into that trap at times, but I have totally rearranged the main living areas. I feel sensitive to my husbands feelings, and although he has given me explicit permission to do whatever I like to make it feel like home, I feel concerned about making it not feel like his. I think it's a balance. It still looks like a guy lives here alone in some ways. We have gone out and replaced some things, but there is still plenty more to be done. I like it when we buy things together, because it makes it feel like 'our' things, and in time it will feel like our things in our home.

You sound like a wonderful husband being so thoughtful and wise.

I was eying up some houseplants the other day (maybe this weekend).

[Vicky and Larry 27]

i should get my visa in September, but wont move until December so that I can have a decent amount of money saved up and my fiance is just graduating from college. i am in vegas right now though. elora is asleep and im still suffering a bit of jetlag so up early. shes off work today so i am excited to spend a full day with her. i am here until sunday then go to work in phoenix for a few days, then fly back on thursday, before going home saturday. then 2 weeks later i come back for 2 weeks. so right now i am in a really happy place. feel very positive about my future.

yes i am going to do things like that. do you have a world market near you? they sell food from all over the world including the UK. my fiances mother is very sweet and even when i visit she has cadburys chocolate in her house. i am going to join a soccer/football team as well and will get the fox soccer channel so i can keep up with spurs games.

my work have an office in LA and i am quietly confident they will offer me a position there when i get my EAD. i have friends there already from working. Elora has said she would move there without hesitation just like she would with england. even if that doesnt work with the job in LA i am confident things will work out.

I can feel your happy place, because it comes across even the page It sounds like you have enough visits and things planned before the move to keep you occupied. LA would be really exciting! I hope they offer you that job. What exciting times ahead you have. Keep hold of that feeling.

We have a global here too! So far I have purchased Marmite and Branston. Your fiancee's family sound wonderful, too.

Enjoy today! Really enjoy it!

C'mon you Spurs, ha, ha. Larry is an avid Liverpool fan and my son, too.

Keep me posted on what's what and if you ever need any help or advice just pm me.

Have fun today!!!!

Edited May 11, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Caryh 5,206]

I like what you said about how I feel about this place is a trap I place on my own mind. That's a great visual for me and a great metaphor. I have definitely fallen into that trap at times, but I have totally rearranged the main living areas. I feel sensitive to my husbands feelings, and although he has given me explicit permission to do whatever I like to make it feel like home, I feel concerned about making it not feel like his. I think it's a balance. It still looks like a guy lives here alone in some ways. We have gone out and replaced some things, but there is still plenty more to be done. I like it when we buy things together, because it makes it feel like 'our' things, and in time it will feel like our things in our home.

You sound like a wonderful husband being so thoughtful and wise.

I was eying up some houseplants the other day (maybe this weekend).

I had one messed up marriage, but I'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes Also her mother made me promise to take good care of her, and you don't want to piss off Mama BTW my wife takes very good care of me to. Its almost as if we're in competition of who can take better care of the other. I like it that way.

I think my wife likes when we get things together to. We really do a better job together on things, than either of us do separately. We both throw in ideas and always seem to come out with something both of can't believe we managed to do on our own. We both know that no way would it have been as good without each of us involved.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

GOOD NEWS!

My husband wants to make me joint owner of the house. He is scheduling it as I type. I don't quite feel like I have deserved that title as yet, but it is a great feeling So, now when I want to girlie the place up I can feel legitimate about it.

Yay! Today is turning out to be a great day!

Yay! La, la, la, la, la. Yay!

Thanks everyone for all your input and lovely messages and support. I am going to think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful husband who loves me.

[Caryh 5,206]

GOOD NEWS!

My husband wants to make me joint owner of the house. He is scheduling it as I type. I don't quite feel like I have deserved that title as yet, but it is a great feeling So, now when I want to girlie the place up I can feel legitimate about it.

Yay! Today is turning out to be a great day!

Yay! La, la, la, la, la. Yay!

Thanks everyone for all your input and lovely messages and support. I am going to think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful husband who loves me.

Congrats! He sounds like a very caring husband, even if he is a little too busy now. Maybe he guessed you needed this push to feel comfortable girlieing up the place? Is that even a real word?

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Congrats! He sounds like a very caring husband, even if he is a little too busy now. Maybe he guessed you needed this push to feel comfortable girlieing up the place? Is that even a real word?

I think it should be, ha, ha. We could push for it to be added to the urban dictionary - definition = moving stuff around, flowers, soft furnishings, the sweet smell of roses, free of dust bunnies.

I hope your new wife continues to fill your house with things that make her feel at home

Thank you.

[sara80 17]

GOOD NEWS!

My husband wants to make me joint owner of the house. He is scheduling it as I type. I don't quite feel like I have deserved that title as yet, but it is a great feeling So, now when I want to girlie the place up I can feel legitimate about it.

Yay! Today is turning out to be a great day!

Yay! La, la, la, la, la. Yay!

Thanks everyone for all your input and lovely messages and support. I am going to think about how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful husband who loves me.

Yey, your husband is really a good man!! Be happy, it seems its all in your head but as I said, its totally normal! I'm the same, creating my own lil "stories" in my head =)

I'm hoping to get my visa in september, and my fiance will still be based in Alaska till next april, so it means we will be staying in the rented flat he is at now, but there won't be much point in decorating/buying new stuff since we will probably be moving if he gets the chance to get transferred/change job. I'll have to find other things to do in the meantime... I think I'll still have to put my touch tho or it wont feel "my place" too.

[Laure&Colin 558]

Hi, I didn't read the entire thread, but for the SSA not treating you as they should, I strongly suggest that you file a complaint online on this page

I'm having major issues right now because a lazy braindead guy at POE didn't correct my misspelled last name, thus SSA can't find me in the database they use for checking an alien status, and they won't give an SSN, although I am officially a Legal Permanent Resident! I filed an online complaint (mostly because the agent I ran into at the SS office was extremely unfriendly), and I got a reply within a couple days. Worst case scenario, it won't help, but I think it's worth trying, at least and if only to make sure SSA is aware that their agents are not providing acceptable level of service.

Next problem, banking: what bank are your husband's accounts with? Bank of America can add aliens without SSNs to an existing account, all they need is an address abroad to enter you as a non-resident alien. When you receive your SSN, you can go back and have them correct your status to resident alien. Sometimes, they'll tell you they can't (and it seems that's what they usually do if you ask over the phone), just insist or go to another branch. If he is at another bank, insist and have him say he's going to leave them to become a BoA customer instead...

(I got added to my husband's BoA accounts last Tuesday and my atm card is on its way, although SSA is screwing me.)

I can't really give you advice on how to manage the emotional consequences of this situation because I'm overwhelmed by all this myself. I've been here for just a few weeks and I still haven't found my balance, of course the whole CBP error mess I'm encountering is not helping.

I feel like a child, completely depending on my husband: financially, he's the only one working right now, I need to ask every time I want to buy something (hopefully, getting my atm card is gonna make this less awkward) ; in my everyday life, as I can't drive, I depend on him to go places and have to ask again ; etc...

He's very understanding but it still makes me feel pretty bad to be entirely depending on another person. I'm a 33-year old with 10+ years on the job market and a past experience of 5 years living in another country, and I feel like a 15-year old unable to do anything by herself. Of course it's terrible for self-confidence and I've never felt so vulnerable.

All I can say is keeping myself busy out of the house helps. I walk, I take the bus to go downtown/to the mall, I go to yoga classes at least 3 times a week... nothing mindblowing but it keeps me sane.

Frustration IS part of the process I'm afraid. As well as feeling like you don't belong, like everything is complicated.

I feel angry at my husband too. I know it's not his fault, but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's responsible for putting me in such a difficult situation. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be coping with all that, right? It sounds silly but that's the kind of feeling you can't suppress. This is just misdirected anger, don't feel guilty for it but try to vent it without throwing it to his face. When you feel more secure, it will go away.

Give yourself some time. Eventually, things will come together and we'll be finding our own routine here.

[Caryh 5,206]

I think it should be, ha, ha. We could push for it to be added to the urban dictionary - definition = moving stuff around, flowers, soft furnishings, the sweet smell of roses, free of dust bunnies.

I hope your new wife continues to fill your house with things that make her feel at home

Thank you.

She does, dried fish, strange vegetables, fish with heads on, little angel statues, pork with the skin still on, orchids, little angel statues, vinegar that burns the tongue its so hot, huge bottles of soy sauce, rice cooker, little angel statues, cell phone chargers, noodles, 20 kilo bags of rice, did I mention little angel statues? lol

As to dust bunnies, they have fled the neighbors homes out of fear of her! My books are organized by author. My perpetually cluttered office is now so organized I can't find a thing.

[Caryh 5,206]

I feel angry at my husband too. I know it's not his fault, but sometimes I can't help feeling like he's responsible for putting me in such a difficult situation. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be coping with all that, right? It sounds silly but that's the kind of feeling you can't suppress. This is just misdirected anger, don't feel guilty for it but try to vent it without throwing it to his face. When you feel more secure, it will go away.

If he doesn't understand this, send him here and us other husbands will have a discussion with him. Its his time to learn to be very supportive even when he's feeling pushed away. Its the least we can do for causing all those feelings The hard thing is learning when to back off and when to hold on tight when you get in those moments. I can tell you its hard from the other side to. Coming home from work, tired and worn out, hoping to have your loving happy wife there, and instead finding an emotionally tormented bottle of conflicting rage facing you, and none of them are good emotions. But I have to say, in the end it is so worth it, and I wouldn't change a minute of it. Even those hard times have worked to bring us closer together and understand each other more.