Transition Issues

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Vicky--

I call the K1 visa the "step-child" visa because it gets you here but you feel left out like Cinderella and not allowed to go to the ball by the wicked step-mother. There is that limbo period where you are a "nothing" it seems. I can't fix you but I can offer some suggestions.

You are eligible for a SSN as a K1 up until 2 weeks before your I-94 expires. Go apply for one taking your passport and I-94. Apply in the name exactly as written on your I-94. Don't mention marriage or name changes. Fix that with them later. If an uninformed worker says you aren't eligible, insist on a supervisor and don't leave until you get one. Not all offices are familiar with K1s. That should get you on the bank account. Or go to a different bank in person. Many allow it and you will let you provide your SSN as soon as you get it. Or ask for a higher up at his current bank.

Driving: Most states now require some proof of extended stay/legal status in the US. That's a K1 limbo thing since you only have 90 days until you get an EAD card or greencard. All other visas pretty much have longer. So consider yourself a visitor until USCIS grants you permanent residence. Visitors are allowed to drive in MO on their foreign license. My husband drove on his UK license, even got a ticket on it. Might take some getting used to flipping sides of the car and road, but start practicing. I drove from Heathrow to Oxford my first go at it in the UK with much back seat driving instruction. It starts to feel more normal the more you drive.

Don't be too mad at the USCIS. You did give up a good life, but there are thousands who would scam their own mother to get to the US. The rules have to apply across the board to honest people and fraudulents alike. But it still sucks to be caught where you are. That's why a CR1 spouse visa has the advantage over the K1. The fiance visa may get you here a month or two faster, but then you're stuck.

So when are you going to file for AOS? The sooner you do, the sooner your "house arrest" is over. If you need help, PM me. Or even if you have concerns, I'll listen.

Oh, and get over feeling like you shouldn't ask for money. He loves you. He married you. What's his is yours. Spend it without feeling guilty. I was kinda sensitive to hubby's feelings when he came and didn't want to make him feel like I was giving him an allowance. I tried to make it seem like it was "our" money as much as I could. If you are hesitant to ask, maybe he doesn't know what you want or need.

I know you can survive. You've got a positive future with a handsome PhD candidate. Nobody faults you for venting so carry on. Hug Hug HUG!!

[Elora & Rob 15]

this song might help.

[Krikit 1,164]

Wow, your post brought back many memories of how horrible it was to move here and be a non-entity. To add insult to injury you, alone, are responsible for fighting to re-establish yourself in a country where most of the employees do not know their own policies and yet you are reliant on them to help you get there.

I found that coming to VJ to vent with those who understood what I was going through helped me an awful lot. They were my saving grace. Please know that, once you are through that first year, things are going to look a little brighter and this will all be behind you. Explain to your husband what you're going through and why you're frustrated because they don't, truly, understand what it's like to uproot yourself and start from scratch where everything is foreign. All I needed mine to do was give me a hug so I didn't feel so alone. And here is one for you. ((((((((Vicky))))))))

[Sapphire1965 5]

Interesting reading your story, so many of us can relate to these feelings as they are completely NORMAL. I moved here May 2011 had no UK drivers license, gave up my home and a good job and everything else I loved. This was to be with the man I loved with all of my being. Also where we live public transport is not great the bus stop is a 1 mile walk from the house, not great. My husband is originally from the UK he moved here in 93 and got citizenship, so there was no extended family of his to mingle with, just him and myself to keep each other company. When I arrived I had my SSN within 3 weeks, sorry you are having problems with this. within 5 months my husband taught me to drive and I passed my test got my license and was able to get around whilst he was at work. The first 6 months were probably the hardest as you do feel like you have no status and are not a real person I used to say to my husband I feel like I dont exist any longer. Believe me it does get better. I too have had difficulty in finding work in the field which I do, my husband plays golf and I used to go with him and now started work at the golf course as bar tender, not what I would have preferred but its a job and it gets me out the house a couple of days a week which for the meantime is good until something better comes along.

Just keep the faith it does get better, as with all things this takes time and it will come together. You are not alone. xx

[PantomimeGoose 59]

Wells Fargo put my husband on my bank account and gave him a card before we even applied for the CR-1. We just both went to the bank one day while he was visiting with his passport and my driver's license. I think we brought a copy of our marriage certificate too, but no one asked to see it.

[Vicky and Larry 27]

After posting this I had a rough few days -- not feeling like I could get out of bed, crying at what seemed like nothing, and feeling extremely withdrawn and low. I am glad to say that I am feeling a lot better, which is in part due to a SUCCESSFUL trip to another Social Security office and being issued my SSN!!!!! YAY! We took lots of information that stated I am entitled to one, and we did indeed need to assert that I was. Anyway, I explained that I would be in the SAVE data base as McBride as that is the name under which I entered the country and was issued my i-94, but that I am now Hays since we are married. I was worried about introducing my married name into the mix again, but it was fine. I am so relieved. I know it doesn't really give me any particular privileges that I didn't have before (apart from Larry being able to teach me to drive, which is a BIG one), but it's extremely symbolic. I know you guys will get that. It makes me feel like I am in some kind of control and that I do exist in the US. A small, but important victory in this crazy sea of immigration. Whooopa!

I have had some responses to the voluntary positions I applied for, but the two I was particularly wanting to hear back from have not responded as yet, so I am going to get in touch with them directly rather than through the organization I initially used to match me up. I have a good invitation for something called Equine-therapy for kids with disabilities, Art Elevates Life which is hosted by a local University that I would like to attend next year. The university work also promises other positions that I may be interested in. I am hoping to secure something more consistent with 'Adopt a Dorm' and some counseling for kids under 21 in crisis. I think that should keep me busy for a while, and help me establish local connections.

I am sure I am still going to have up and down days, but I am doing my best to employ strategies that will help with that, and coming back on here and reading all your responses wilI be one of them. I am so thankful for everyone's replies. It really does help reading other people's stories about how they felt or feel, and having support.

Wells Fargo put my husband on my bank account and gave him a card before we even applied for the CR-1. We just both went to the bank one day while he was visiting with his passport and my driver's license. I think we brought a copy of our marriage certificate too, but no one asked to see it.

We are going to do this

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Interesting reading your story, so many of us can relate to these feelings as they are completely NORMAL. I moved here May 2011 had no UK drivers license, gave up my home and a good job and everything else I loved. This was to be with the man I loved with all of my being. Also where we live public transport is not great the bus stop is a 1 mile walk from the house, not great. My husband is originally from the UK he moved here in 93 and got citizenship, so there was no extended family of his to mingle with, just him and myself to keep each other company. When I arrived I had my SSN within 3 weeks, sorry you are having problems with this. within 5 months my husband taught me to drive and I passed my test got my license and was able to get around whilst he was at work. The first 6 months were probably the hardest as you do feel like you have no status and are not a real person I used to say to my husband I feel like I dont exist any longer. Believe me it does get better. I too have had difficulty in finding work in the field which I do, my husband plays golf and I used to go with him and now started work at the golf course as bar tender, not what I would have preferred but its a job and it gets me out the house a couple of days a week which for the meantime is good until something better comes along.

Just keep the faith it does get better, as with all things this takes time and it will come together. You are not alone. xx

I just loved reading this as I can relate and it's so good to know that it really does get better and that I am 'normal'. I am going to have to learn to drive too, as I don't have a U.K licence (US spell checker is trying to change my U.K sp, but I won't let it, ha, ha). My husband will be my instructor as yours was for you. Were you very nervous about learning to drive here? How long after going out with your husband did you go on the roads? It seems like a big thing to me, being someone who didn't drive in the U.K - I did take lessons when my son was younger and I was near to taking my test, but it never happened.

Thank you for your well wishes, and way to go on the job

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Wow, your post brought back many memories of how horrible it was to move here and be a non-entity. To add insult to injury you, alone, are responsible for fighting to re-establish yourself in a country where most of the employees do not know their own policies and yet you are reliant on them to help you get there.

I found that coming to VJ to vent with those who understood what I was going through helped me an awful lot. They were my saving grace. Please know that, once you are through that first year, things are going to look a little brighter and this will all be behind you. Explain to your husband what you're going through and why you're frustrated because they don't, truly, understand what it's like to uproot yourself and start from scratch where everything is foreign. All I needed mine to do was give me a hug so I didn't feel so alone. And here is one for you. ((((((((Vicky))))))))

It's crazy and maddening that we (the immigrant aliens) have to learn how to help people here do their job properly for us , but now that I am aware of that dynamic I can at least prepare myself accordingly in the future.

Venting here really is a life-line and I think being here would be A.Lot harder without it. Thank you for my hug

Edited May 4, 2012 by Vicky and Larry

[Vicky and Larry 27]

Vicky--

I call the K1 visa the "step-child" visa because it gets you here but you feel left out like Cinderella and not allowed to go to the ball by the wicked step-mother. There is that limbo period where you are a "nothing" it seems. I can't fix you but I can offer some suggestions.

You are eligible for a SSN as a K1 up until 2 weeks before your I-94 expires. Go apply for one taking your passport and I-94. Apply in the name exactly as written on your I-94. Don't mention marriage or name changes. Fix that with them later. If an uninformed worker says you aren't eligible, insist on a supervisor and don't leave until you get one. Not all offices are familiar with K1s. That should get you on the bank account. Or go to a different bank in person. Many allow it and you will let you provide your SSN as soon as you get it. Or ask for a higher up at his current bank.

Driving: Most states now require some proof of extended stay/legal status in the US. That's a K1 limbo thing since you only have 90 days until you get an EAD card or greencard. All other visas pretty much have longer. So consider yourself a visitor until USCIS grants you permanent residence. Visitors are allowed to drive in MO on their foreign license. My husband drove on his UK license, even got a ticket on it. Might take some getting used to flipping sides of the car and road, but start practicing. I drove from Heathrow to Oxford my first go at it in the UK with much back seat driving instruction. It starts to feel more normal the more you drive.

Don't be too mad at the USCIS. You did give up a good life, but there are thousands who would scam their own mother to get to the US. The rules have to apply across the board to honest people and fraudulents alike. But it still sucks to be caught where you are. That's why a CR1 spouse visa has the advantage over the K1. The fiance visa may get you here a month or two faster, but then you're stuck.

So when are you going to file for AOS? The sooner you do, the sooner your "house arrest" is over. If you need help, PM me. Or even if you have concerns, I'll listen.

Oh, and get over feeling like you shouldn't ask for money. He loves you. He married you. What's his is yours. Spend it without feeling guilty. I was kinda sensitive to hubby's feelings when he came and didn't want to make him feel like I was giving him an allowance. I tried to make it seem like it was "our" money as much as I could. If you are hesitant to ask, maybe he doesn't know what you want or need.

I know you can survive. You've got a positive future with a handsome PhD candidate. Nobody faults you for venting so carry on. Hug Hug HUG!!

You are one of my favourite people

Seriously, this place is very fortunate having someone like you, who is prepared to share their experiences and the obvious wealth of knowledge you have acquired through your own journey.

I actually made a request for some money from my husband so that I could go and get some clothes ( I am still living out of a suitcase sized wardrobe as my belongings in the U.K have not been shipped yet - another long story). I told him he has you to thank for that, ha, ha. He said he prefers it that I ask for what I need. It's tough going from being so independent and then feeling like you are relying on one person, but it's not always going to be like this, and it's about trust between us both at the end of the day, and that's what marriage is all about, as you said.

Sheesh! Immigration is like jumping through invisible hoops at the moment, but you are right about people selling their own mother to come and live here (that made both me and my husband laugh out loud).

Thank you for the offer of pm-ing you. I bet your PM box is inundated.

You are wonderful!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

After posting this I had a rough few days -- not feeling like I could get out of bed, crying at what seemed like nothing, and feeling extremely withdrawn and low. I am glad to say that I am feeling a lot better, which is in part due to a SUCCESSFUL trip to another Social Security office and being issued my SSN!!!!! YAY! We took lots of information that stated I am entitled to one, and we did indeed need to assert that I was. Anyway, I explained that I would be in the SAVE data base as McBride as that is the name under which I entered the country and was issued my i-94, but that I am now Hays since we are married. I was worried about introducing my married name into the mix again, but it was fine. I am so relieved. I know it doesn't really give me any particular privileges that I didn't have before (apart from Larry being able to teach me to drive, which is a BIG one), but it's extremely symbolic. I know you guys will get that. It makes me feel like I am in some kind of control and that I do exist in the US. A small, but important victory in this crazy sea of immigration. Whooopa!

I have had some responses to the voluntary positions I applied for, but the two I was particularly wanting to hear back from have not responded as yet, so I am going to get in touch with them directly rather than through the organization I initially used to match me up. I have a good invitation for something called Equine-therapy for kids with disabilities, Art Elevates Life which is hosted by a local University that I would like to attend next year. The university work also promises other positions that I may be interested in. I am hoping to secure something more consistent with 'Adopt a Dorm' and some counseling for kids under 21 in crisis. I think that should keep me busy for a while, and help me establish local connections.

I am sure I am still going to have up and down days, but I am doing my best to employ strategies that will help with that, and coming back on here and reading all your responses wilI be one of them. I am so thankful for everyone's replies. It really does help reading other people's stories about how they felt or feel, and having support.

Congratulations!! I totally understand what you mean about the SSN being one part of the puzzle. You can finally start to feel like a regular person.

I too went with Wells Fargo and though my banker initially told me I required a SSN, she was able to set me up without one and I took it in once I received it. But you have yours now so congrats (you have the physical card now right?)!

I also agree that blogging will help, even if it's a private blog (like mine is). It's a good way to be TOTALLY honest with yourself, and ramble and whatever, without fear. As you said, it's very cathartic. It's also good (and sometimes embarrassing ) to go back and re-read where you WERE to see where you ARE now.

Recently I got to reading a blog of someone else's (a design one about living a lovely life) and there was this list of things she wanted to do before she was 30 and now she was older than 30 she was re-going over it to see what she had achieved. Part of going over it was writing down what she HAD achieved (outside of list items) as a sort of reminder that really she wasn't as far behind in the list as she thought and although she may not have done ALL the list items, she had done some other pretty wonderful things. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially good for when I get down, to write a list of things I HAVE accomplished that before meeting Tony and before coming here probably weren't on my list. For example, I NEVER thought I would move to the US, never dreamt about it, thought about it or anything like that. We know own our own house (we'd still be renting in Aus), we have 2 dogs together (my first "my" dogs instead of "family" dogs), I drive a truck/pickup/ute... never would have thought I'd see the day I can convert Miles and Fahrenheit in my head and think in those terms (instead of km's and celcius)... etc etc. It's too easy to get caught up (and I'm guilty of it) of what you have NOT achieved. I haven't got a full-time job/career here yet. I live on Tony's income, not my own. But also I feel being here now, living where I live, living HOW I live, certain things I would not have achieved at home are within reach. It takes some effort especially when at home you'd know who to ask about things, or where to go, but it's also good to look at these things as an adventure and be PROUD of yourself for learning all these new things. People constantly tell me they're amazed that I could do this, that they wouldn't have the strength to leave everything they know to start anew... that helps

Oh and re the spelling I run Firefox and by right-clicking in this text entry section I have the option for "language" and then I installed my Australian dictionary (US was already installed) so I can spell stuff the Aussie way when I want, and US way when I need to

[Laura & Kyle 16]

Like Nich-Nick, I tried to give my husband a sense of independence and give him money without it coming across like it was an allowance. At first he really hated it, and was frustrated sitting at home. He ended up playing video games a lot, which I think helped because he played with his friends from back home and others on his server. It took him 10 months to find employment, and I think that was the hardest. We still have flare ups where he will complain about how little he makes, and that he feels like he's not contributing equally with me. I have to tell you, this really hurts me sometimes because all I want to do is to make my husband feel loved and appreciated. It's hard sometimes figuring out new ways to do that and still make it feel genuine. Please communicate with your husband and help him help you. :-) It will get better, and I think it's wonderful that you've shared so much with us. It makes us all feel a little bit more human.

I'm so glad you were able to get your SSN. I hope you guys have a blast with the driving lessons. :-) Keep your chin up.

[kimmie 2]

Thank you so much for your post! My fiance will hopefully be arriving some time in the autumn, and I have been fretting about how to help make the transition as easy on him as possible. He has no licence, there is nothing to walk to for miles and miles, and he is leaving a job that he loves to come here and start all over again. I can't even fathom what this will be like for him, and I know I need to be patient and let him get through it, supporting him as much as I can. But that loss of independence - that will be really hard for him so thank you for talking about what you have done to help get some of the feeling back. I appreciate hearing it from your perspective - it will help me understand him a little better I think! I do try and reassure him that no self-respecting American woman can resist the English accent, so as long as the hiring manager is female, he's a shoo-in! :-p

Good luck with the volunteer work! I hope it all works out for you! Finding something fulfilling to do I'm sure will go a long way towards getting out of that rut! I look forward to hearing more about your journey and adjustment - welcome to the US!

Take care!

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

Thank you so much for your post! My fiance will hopefully be arriving some time in the autumn, and I have been fretting about how to help make the transition as easy on him as possible.

Hi Kimmie--

Here's a couple of things from the USC wife. I admit we had very little problems compared to most of you. (He had a UK license and already had plenty of US driving experience. I bought him a car. I didn't have to be gone to work all day. So pretty easy peasy.) BUT at first I worried so much when he acted a little out of sorts or moody. He never said why. He said he didn't know. Are you homesick? No. Do you hate the food here? No. Did you quit liking me? No. Like Laura said above, I just wanted to make him happy and felt so responsible for that. So then I was moody because I was failing. Eventually I got exasperated and said-- You know what? You can choose to be happy or unhappy, because it's not actually my responsibility to jump through myself guessing what I can do for you. Tell me what you need or just carry on in your mood. I felt so much better when I let go of that guilt I felt. So then he finally figured it out and said he was very happy to be here, but sometimes he had that "fish out of water" feeling just not knowing the ropes yet. At home I would know to go to Currys for this and Wickes for that. I don't know about your MOT and tax disks. I don't how things work here yet. Oh geez! I never would have thought of that.

As far as spending money. I don't think he would ever have asked for any. I would come home with a wad of cash from the ATM and lay it on the bar saying "I got us some cash" and leave it there. Sometimes I'd say, I'm out of cash, do you have a twenty I can have? Then it was like he was handing out to me. Hahaha.

Happy to say he got over his adjustment rather quickly. He refers to the USA as home and says "back in England" if he's telling a UK story. He accepts life here--the good and the bad-- and isn't trying to re-create England in Texas. I am so lucky because some don't adapt so well. And I'm proud of him for being so adaptive, even as an old guy.

And he's going to be a USC in 11 days!!! Wow. The crazy journey that started in March 2008 finally ends. There's hope folks. Just hang in there.

Edited May 5, 2012 by Nich-Nick

[Pooky 3,781]

Happy to say he got over his adjustment rather quickly. He refers to the USA as home and says "back in England" if he's telling a UK story. He accepts life here--the good and the bad-- and isn't trying to re-create England in Texas.

What is it with Texas?

My boss is a Scot, lives in Dallas and can't abide living anywhere other than the Big Hat State. Whenever we ask him why, it's because we're tired of listening to him, as he can't explain it and goes kinda quiet

Edited May 5, 2012 by Pooky

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

What is it with Texas?

I dunno. We think we're cool because we were a country before deciding to join the US ???? I've always lived here so don't know any better, but never as far north as Dallas. In the Houston/Galveston (Gulf Coast) area it's hot, humid, flat, and has bugs and snakes. Despite what people think, we have thick grassy gardens and tall trees and not a cactus to be found.

If you ask the British husband what he likes, he has said before--

• wide open spaces and wide roads
  
• Mexican food (Tex-Mex), Bar-B-Q, jalapenos, habanera peppers
  
• massive free parking lots for all the businesses
  
• 2 and 3 car garages, big houses for much, much less than UK.
  
• friendly people that chat to strangers or wave when they drive by your house or just stop and say your garden looks pretty
  
• Friendly clerks in stores that actually help and say thank you for shopping with us and sound like they actually mean it
  
• The Starbucks "kids" who remember us and what we order after 1-2 visits and chat with us instead of glaring
  
• Motorists that stop and let you pull in to the line of traffic in front of them.
  
• The classless society. No pompous arses about. He commented that I'm on first name basis with some very wealthy or influential persons and I'm just as polite, friendly, and respectful of our Mexican gardener who speaks little English or the waitress in Denny's. All are equally welcome to come in our front door. He notices that with other people in general.
  

Can't speak for other areas, that's just things he's commented on about our neck of the woods. I asked him what he missed about England and all he could think of was Sainsbury's ready meals.