Thinking of a divorce after his Visa approval a week ago.

[Confused 2 94]

Hard to do if you have Pakistani parents. Still have the house rules to live by and I would need to get a great enough job to move out. Right now studying for board exams, (not going great with the depression and all) and working part time. Even if I divorce this man, dating will be out of the question until i move out. I just want to get out somehow without feeling guilty. Give my boards by being mentally healthy meaning feel strong enough to think i can move out and not need a man until im ready.

Pakistani or any other, they are still your parents, who should be given the benefit of doubt, in the sense, TALK to them, tell them exactly what is happening and how YOU feel. They may be strict and religious but it does not mean that they may be completely unable to understand. TRY IT. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED!

[Shane and Lovely 22]

I got married in October of 2010 in Pakistan and even stayed in Pakistan to wait for my husbands visa. I am a US born citizen, lived in Pakistan from 2000-2006 for medical school and had come back to get married as my parents wished. I said yes to guy who wrote a love letter to me in 2006 saying he was interested in me. I had informed him that if he still loved me that this is the time to ask my parents for my hand. (Dont know why Im crying for being so submissive to my parents.) Well despite my sacrifice, I thought this man would love me. Maybe I dont know what love is but he hardly spoke to me the whole time I was there. Two weeks after my marriage, I started working in a hospital. I would be weirded out when I would be on call and he wouldnt even call me. Even If I would no be on call, I would wait for him to have dinner together only to find out he already ate. We hardly had intimal relationships. He laughed when I said when people who get married do it every day. Its not like I even want it. Well, I worked there until November 2011. He apparently resigned his job in April 2011 after they merged and offered less. He hasnt worked since. Without trying to cause any fight, I tried looking for jobs myself near the end with better pay as I realized how expensive it is living there with my low paying job. After getting severely depressed and crying so much alone. Him not saying much I decided that I needed to go back to the USA. I left again around November, still sending different forms back to the Embassy. He just got his visa about a week ago.

Being depressed there and without really even fighting I asked him if I could get a divorce several times. He never responded. I asked him a month after my marriage, another month later and several times after that. I would simply say that I think we are very different people and I dont think we have a connection. This guy has never been lustful towards me. I know there is nothing wrong with me since many guys wanted to marry me and my friends do say Im attractive. Im not overweight, have a fair complexion and love going to the gym. I believe, Ive done my best for this marriage by sticking around in the heat and the bitter cold of the country. I had to buy an AC and heater myself. I hardly fought-- probably because I got so depressed and thought what was the point. I believe I turned into a zombie living there. No friends, only the hospital and patients to talk to.

After moving to the US, i thought perhaps he will miss me. Since then I think hes only called about 20 times and 75% of the time about paperwork that was filled wrong or how i would send the papers.

I feel like my life is ruined. Im 32 and not happy at all. If this guy has not changed in the one and half years of or marriage, how will he change when he comes here. My depression slowly lifted after moving back and now I fear I will be depressed knowing that this man will not really show the love that you would normally expect from a man.

I was even stupid enough to purchase tickets for his brothers wedding which are non refundable for next week. He and his mom tried to convince me not to come. How depressing is that? He had told me after I had bought the tickets that if he gets the visa hes coming here right away. I told him him the tickets are non refundable. He doesnt even want to attend his brother's wedding second week of May.

I'm thinking if I do go, can I file for a divorce there? I dont have anyone three to help me. He had told me if I wanted to get a divorce, that I should find out myself. I spent hours looking for info but maybe im not looking in the right place. I dont think i can afford a lawyer. Im just too depressed thinking about this whole situation it makes me numb and zone out.

Any advice.? What is the cheapest solution? I live in MA. No kids. (He told me a week after getting married he doesn't want kids until 2 years later and last week says until 3 years more until we are more settled. He apparently thinks I can have normal babies until 40. The irony is that when he sees kids he thinks they are soo cute.)

Need urgent help before my tickets expire incase I need them.

Ok I have gone back and forth trying to decide if I should get involved in this conversation. I have decided it's to harmful for me not to. I spent 16 years in a loveless, neglected, practically ignored relationship trying to *SAVE* my spouse and give her a better life. We were both USC and both grew up in the same town. You have a many fold problem. One, you didn't make the decision to marry, your parents did. You asked him to take you as his wife on your parents urging. He obviously didn't want a marriage as he has completely neglected and ignored you.. *THIS IS MENTAL ABUSE* You are guilt tripped at every corner by your parents and by him. You stated that he quit his job because of too little pay. *so his pride wouldn't allow him to work for less yet he it does allow him to depend on you?* Marriage is a partnership based on love trust and respect. You have none of these. You also are doubting your own worth and are depressed by how he is treating you... *not what he's doing but what he is not doing* Neglect is an abuse. You are worried about having children. You say he loves children. Trust me this would make it worse. You would see him give all the time and love to the children he would never give you and you would be even more lost than you are now. *personal experience*

You want the cheapest solution, cut the ties now so it won't cost you more * your sanity and your finances**

Ok in other posts you have asked maybe you should just let him come and divorce him here, because you don't want to hurt his future. I can't help believe that this is fraud. If you bring him here with the sole purpose of giving him a better life before you divorce him then you are committing fraud with the VISA he receives in which you state that you have a true relationship. If you are looking for the perfect time to do this .... Trust me there is no perfect time, you just have to have the courage and do it. You will never be happy, he will not change, and in the end this will cost you so much more than the money you spent. Forget the airline tickets. Look at it as an investment in your happy future. Move on and let go the anchor that is pulling you down. Listen to your own heart for once. Do as others have said, call the appropriate people and cancel the VISA and file for divorce and move on with your life. Don't look at the this as you time in the past is wasted on him, look at it as you don't want to waste the rest of your live, your future. Give yourself a chance to be happy, you are worth it.

In all I wish you the best and I will pray for your strength and happiness.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Shane and Lovely

[redwhiteblue 6]

This is what i have been trying to figure out from the beginning....but she claims not to know what a CR-1 visa is.....and even if she petitioned the K-3 way...she would still know about the CR-1. Help me understand...

I didnt know about it because he hardly tells me anything. I just do as what the embassy tells me to send. I got that info from the scan of the blue papaer that the embassy gives you at the visa interview if they want something else. from there i read cr-1.

Sorry about the misunderstanding.

[redwhiteblue 6]

Pakistani or any other, they are still your parents, who should be given the benefit of doubt, in the sense, TALK to them, tell them exactly what is happening and how YOU feel. They may be strict and religious but it does not mean that they may be completely unable to understand. TRY IT. YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED!

they support me in the divorce. but after the divorce then they will not be open to dating. thats how i got in this mess. i never got to know him before marriage. what will scare you even more is that hes my cousin.

after this whole ordeal, i wanna back away from the paki culture. and due to this i hardly talk to my relatives because i give up on the culture. i dont know how other women do it. if they had a husband like mine, they would just suck it up or wouldnt know any better what they are missing out in life.

[Sandra G. 5,052]

I don't think your husband is quite uncaring and unkind because of his culture, I think he doesn't love you. Look EAbbas how they interact with each other. You can tell they show respect,passion and love!.Your husband sounds pretty apathetic and cold. You deserve better!

"Life is way too short to spend it in bad shoes, polyester clothes, and poor relationships".!

Edited April 29, 2012 by sandranj

[amyandjorge 76]

Well said, Outback Annie.

OP, you said you don't know about his financial situation, that is a sign of mental abuse. You say you don't want to hurt his future. His future will either consist of prolonging your own personal depression or that of another woman once he gets here.

And finally, I can almost guarantee you that he WILL change once he gets here. He will most likely become a more exaggerated version of his current self. Why? He will be stressed out, financially dependent(possibly), culturally/socially dependent, and apparently surround by a culture he does not agree with.

You clearly want a husband that loves you and shows it(don't we all?), he's not it. He wants a green card and from what I've read, he got that from one love letter.

Looks like it's not impossible to find a loving, caring Pakistini man, don't give up!

[Shane and Lovely 22]

they support me in the divorce. but after the divorce then they will not be open to dating. thats how i got in this mess. i never got to know him before marriage. what will scare you even more is that hes my cousin.

after this whole ordeal, i wanna back away from the paki culture. and due to this i hardly talk to my relatives because i give up on the culture. i dont know how other women do it. if they had a husband like mine, they would just suck it up or wouldnt know any better what they are missing out in life.

Again I say, it's time you live your life for yourself. I can't believe that people whom profess their love for you would send you into a situation like this yet still say they have your best interests at heart and still try to dictate your life. It's time to stand up for yourself. Be your own person and seek your own happiness.

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

Madam, the only thing I have to offer is that at 32 you are a young Lady. I started from scratch when I was much older than that after a devastating divorce. The Phoenix is an American story, she give us that opportunity to reborn.

I wish you the very best.

[PMartin37 161]

Big "O"

So Ive been married about 18 months. (Oct 1st 2010).

I read something about if you are between the 18 month and the 2 year period you can apply for a different type of greencard. Anyone know anything about that? Asking because, imagine he comes tomorrow? Anything is possible due to lack of communication.

I"m really confused that you seem to be kept in the dark about the proceedings of his visa. You are the petitioner...you have every right to know exactly what is going on at any point in time. I might have interpreted your comments wrong but it seems that you don't know exactly what is going on with the visa process? That in and of itself is enough to make me doubt this guys motives in your regard.

I would follow Darnell's advice and get this guy frozen in his tracks, don't send him money, don't contact him, nothing. If you do this, you might find he shows you exactly what his motives have been all along.

[redwhiteblue 6]

Ok I have gone back and forth trying to decide if I should get involved in this conversation. I have decided it's to harmful for me not to. I spent 16 years in a loveless, neglected, practically ignored relationship trying to *SAVE* my spouse and give her a better life. We were both USC and both grew up in the same town. You have a many fold problem. One, you didn't make the decision to marry, your parents did. You asked him to take you as his wife on your parents urging. He obviously didn't want a marriage as he has completely neglected and ignored you.. *THIS IS MENTAL ABUSE* You are guilt tripped at every corner by your parents and by him. You stated that he quit his job because of too little pay. *so his pride wouldn't allow him to work for less yet he it does allow him to depend on you?* Marriage is a partnership based on love trust and respect. You have none of these. You also are doubting your own worth and are depressed by how he is treating you... *not what he's doing but what he is not doing* Neglect is an abuse. You are worried about having children. You say he loves children. Trust me this would make it worse. You would see him give all the time and love to the children he would never give you and you would be even more lost than you are now. *personal experience*

You want the cheapest solution, cut the ties now so it won't cost you more * your sanity and your finances**

Ok in other posts you have asked maybe you should just let him come and divorce him here, because you don't want to hurt his future. I can't help believe that this is fraud. If you bring him here with the sole purpose of giving him a better life before you divorce him then you are committing fraud with the VISA he receives in which you state that you have a true relationship. If you are looking for the perfect time to do this .... Trust me there is no perfect time, you just have to have the courage and do it. You will never be happy, he will not change, and in the end this will cost you so much more than the money you spent. Forget the airline tickets. Look at it as an investment in your happy future. Move on and let go the anchor that is pulling you down. Listen to your own heart for once. Do as others have said, call the appropriate people and cancel the VISA and file for divorce and move on with your life. Don't look at the this as you time in the past is wasted on him, look at it as you don't want to waste the rest of your live, your future. Give yourself a chance to be happy, you are worth it.

In all I wish you the best and I will pray for your strength and happiness.

But arent most pakistani true relationships like this: the wife just obeys or is just there. If feel like hes just mimicking his elders. Im going to contact the embassy inquiry and tell them exactly how I feel and in the process of thinking of a divorce due to what reasons. maybe they can help me regarding that.

[Karee 4,190]

I"m really confused that you seem to be kept in the dark about the proceedings of his visa. You are the petitioner...you have every right to know exactly what is going on at any point in time. I might have interpreted your comments wrong but it seems that you don't know exactly what is going on with the visa process? That in and of itself is enough to make me doubt this guys motives in your regard.

I would follow Darnell's advice and get this guy frozen in his tracks, don't send him money, don't contact him, nothing. If you do this, you might find he shows you exactly what his motives have been all along.

once the petition was sent to the embassy I never heard anything from anyone. I'm the petitioner. My lawyer did all the NVC stuff and after that the petition got on a DHL flight to Bangkok. From that point it's in the hands of beneficary.

[talean nawaz 41]

Your right its I-864 and the a.

Im still reading all the posts...sorry for the late reply.

If you filed an i-864- you dont have a k-3, you have a cr-1...

regardless, call the embassy, get that i-864 pulled, he wont be able to enter, even if he has a ticket... but once he enters, there is not much you can do...

My experience is this...

I love my husband, he was amazing in Pakistan... I still love him, but America has changed him... he's not the same, he either works all the time, sleeps, or hangs out with friends getting into things Pakistanis usually dont. I miss that shy guy in Pakistan a lot, but we all grow...

[Shane and Lovely 22]

But arent most pakistani true relationships like this: the wife just obeys or is just there. If feel like hes just mimicking his elders. Im going to contact the embassy inquiry and tell them exactly how I feel and in the process of thinking of a divorce due to what reasons. maybe they can help me regarding that.

Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Another sign of abuse is making the person feel it's their fault the situation is as it is. Are you telling me that Pakistani people are incapable of loving relationships or that he personally is incapable? Either way, no matter what you do it will not change. The question is, do you wish to spend the rest of your life in such a situation or to maybe one day have a chance for something real? The choice is yours, but at least you have the advice.

Edited April 29, 2012 by Shane and Lovely

[PMartin37 161]

once the petition was sent to the embassy I never heard anything from anyone. I'm the petitioner. My lawyer did all the NVC stuff and after that the petition got on a DHL flight to Bangkok. From that point it's in the hands of beneficary.

If you hired a lawyer (which I didn't) surely he/she should know what's going on with your case- at least I would hope so (if they couldn't tell me, I'd be skeptical of him). I don't believe the OP has a lawyer since she is having to deal with all of the paperwork herself. In that ...she can contact the national visa center or the consulate to find out what's what.

[redwhiteblue 6]

Isn't Islamabad usually a pretty strict Embassy? If these two barely talk with each other, what sort of supporting documentation could they have sent to secure this guy a visa? Just seems strange...

I think he showed i was living with him for 14 months. I stayed there till end of November. I wish the embassy asked more questions. I honestly didnt think they would give him a visa. Im wondering what else could he have shown. He was clearly not into taking pictures and didnt see the point in it. It took me 4 months just to get my wedding pictures. He apparently gave the picture money to a friend to borrow without informing me. My dad had given it to his brother to pay the photographer. It took like a month for him to give me the explanation which could be true or not. I kept on asking him about when we can pick up the wedding photos. Whatever I got i took them with me to the US. The rest are still incomplete. I gave up and told him to finish that project which i doubt he has. Im not doing it if hes not interested.