Thinking of a divorce after his Visa approval a week ago.

[redwhiteblue 6]

Government hospitals paid 18000 rs until recently after multiple strikes maiking it 24000 rs. The oh way to survive is to live in a family unit. Government PG pay was 22,000-24,000 and now I don't know what the new pays scale is. It's sad that government doctors were making less than some government drivers. It's all on YouTube if you google doctor Pakistan geo sama.

My Inlaws paid for food electric and all.

So imagine a government doctor working only getting that little, there is now way to afford a splice or live away from your family unless you secretly work privately after your duty is over. I've seen doctors after pg training do that. As for surgery I was on call every other night. Had to change my feild just so that I can spend more time at home but that did work out obviously since he was use to me not being home.

I was. It well off but if you spend $200 a week I call that fortunate. Google up how much someone makes at McDonald's in Pakistan.

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

I've not made any 'relationship' advice yet on this post, I tend to wait a few days and let the thread sink in ..

Here I go.

I infer that the OP's parents are pakistani, so to be fair complected is a big deal in Pakistan - it's a 'high beauty' trait there. That other beauty trait, to not be overweight, is another 'high beauty' trait there in Pakistan. I know, I know, different traits in different places, but to be fair - she's a 'catch' in Pakistan - Gorgeous by their standards, and an 'at the edge' Medical Doctor.

To complicate things, the OP and her husband are COUSINS, unsure if through the mother or father, but it blows me away that the fella shows no real interest in the commonplace, day to day love-y dove-y things that a couple WILL do. This isn't cultural, at all. IMO, the husband thinks this is an arranged marriage (which it sorta is) and for what ever reason, he's just not showing normal signs of infatuation with her. He (IMO) really isn't interested in marriage as a marriage - he's looking at 'it' more along the lines of getting into the USA. I think deep down HIS parents have some large 'move the family to the USA' project in the works, and it was convenient to them that a cousin popped up at the time she did (that's the OP, btw).

Many things smell, on this one. Sorry.

This is same for Nigeria.

[Darnell 8,478]

Plymouth - it's Tuesday evening - what have you accomplished with the IV unit, so far? Did you make that call into NVC, seek some guidance, or no?

[BethandBilly 86]

I've been reading this forum since the OP originally started it and honestly I don't know if this is a fishing post, a troll or if she is for real. I think everyone has given some fantastic advise, but I doubt she will use it. If she is for real then I can only hope she has followed Darnell's posts to the T. If she is for real then I wish her all the best for the future, life and love is never easy and decisions about the future should never been taken lightly especially when there are others on the hook for financial support. OP this is not just about you, if you are having doubts, you owe it to yourself and your parents to make sure no one gets used and from what you have said it certainly sounds like you are.

[evelyn1140 18]

I've been reading this forum since the OP originally started it and honestly I don't know if this is a fishing post, a troll or if she is for real. I think everyone has given some fantastic advise, but I doubt she will use it. If she is for real then I can only hope she has followed Darnell's posts to the T. If she is for real then I wish her all the best for the future, life and love is never easy and decisions about the future should never been taken lightly especially when there are others on the hook for financial support. OP this is not just about you, if you are having doubts, you owe it to yourself and your parents to make sure no one gets used and from what you have said it certainly sounds like you are.

She will not go thru, she wanted to try her marriage. Good Luck in this journey

[Nomi and Noor 0]

Did he give you an unconditional permission to divorce him on the Nikkah Namah (marriage certificate)? If so, then divorcing him in Pakistan will be very simple and dirt cheap than doing it here. Else, you will need to do it here.

[evelyn1140 18]

Government hospitals paid 18000 rs until recently after multiple strikes maiking it 24000 rs. The oh way to survive is to live in a family unit. Government PG pay was 22,000-24,000 and now I don't know what the new pays scale is. It's sad that government doctors were making less than some government drivers. It's all on YouTube if you google doctor Pakistan geo sama.

My Inlaws paid for food electric and all.

So imagine a government doctor working only getting that little, there is now way to afford a splice or live away from your family unless you secretly work privately after your duty is over. I've seen doctors after pg training do that. As for surgery I was on call every other night. Had to change my feild just so that I can spend more time at home but that did work out obviously since he was use to me not being home.

I was. It well off but if you spend $200 a week I call that fortunate. Google up how much someone makes at McDonald's in Pakistan.

did you make a decision?

[sara..... 371]

I just now saw this thread

normally i try not to be too blunt because I do not like to hurt anyone's feelings but i feel that i need to be honest with what i have read so far.......

there is something wrong this complete situation.....his family should be so besot over his bride that any excuse to see her would make them prepare and prepare for her arrival...

normal paki treatment of a wife sons wife or husband of the daughter demands them to be so welcoming as many years as i spent in Pakistan i never once ever saw this kind of treatment towards any guest in anyone's home.......the very fact that your coming from the USA to their home is such and honor (well in most cases) that they have a hard time waiting for your arrival......there should be unlimited text at least where are you now what is your flight details.....

as far as him not showing you love and attention......from what i remember of Pakistan in public not much is shown but you do see the respect and caring in the way that they protect their wife's and are very attune to what their needs are in public as in are they thirsty is there a shop they want to go to these are just simple examples but im sure you get my meaning......

my brother always looked for his wife when returning from work before he looked for any other person in the home.....he said to me once if the wife is unhappy the home is not his castle but instead his prison...most paki that i know feel the same way.

did he ever take the time just to bring you small things to show he he was thinking of you as in hair ties things like that...that he found that he thought was pretty and you would like?

also not just Pakistan but Islam demands that he support you....your money is suppose to be your own....i have to think what is up with this family? sure in the USA at first both (or one until he/she can find a job here) need to give to the needs of life and many times it takes both to keep the home going because of the way that life is here.....but in Pakistan? really? please please look at this picture with open eyes....... and your family is not stepping in?

this complete story makes me worry about you! where is your support? why did your family agree to such a match?

If you divorce this man your life is not over......how ever if you keep this relationship going and your the only one adding to it emotionally and financially......your hopes and dreams and your heart will never be complete.....

this is just my opinion but the thought that you should purchase running shoes and run fast away from this is the best thing that you could do is in my mind.....that advise i give based only on what i read on this thread......

what ever you decide is up to you i have added you to my prayers May Allah help guide you towards what is best for you

Ameen

sara

[SmilesAbroad 27]

I just now saw this thread

normally i try not to be too blunt because I do not like to hurt anyone's feelings but i feel that i need to be honest with what i have read so far.......

there is something wrong this complete situation.....his family should be so besot over his bride that any excuse to see her would make them prepare and prepare for her arrival...

normal paki treatment of a wife sons wife or husband of the daughter demands them to be so welcoming as many years as i spent in Pakistan i never once ever saw this kind of treatment towards any guest in anyone's home.......the very fact that your coming from the USA to their home is such and honor (well in most cases) that they have a hard time waiting for your arrival......there should be unlimited text at least where are you now what is your flight details.....

as far as him not showing you love and attention......from what i remember of Pakistan in public not much is shown but you do see the respect and caring in the way that they protect their wife's and are very attune to what their needs are in public as in are they thirsty is there a shop they want to go to these are just simple examples but im sure you get my meaning......

my brother always looked for his wife when returning from work before he looked for any other person in the home.....he said to me once if the wife is unhappy the home is not his castle but instead his prison...most paki that i know feel the same way.

did he ever take the time just to bring you small things to show he he was thinking of you as in hair ties things like that...that he found that he thought was pretty and you would like?

also not just Pakistan but Islam demands that he support you....your money is suppose to be your own....i have to think what is up with this family? sure in the USA at first both (or one until he/she can find a job here) need to give to the needs of life and many times it takes both to keep the home going because of the way that life is here.....but in Pakistan? really? please please look at this picture with open eyes....... and your family is not stepping in?

this complete story makes me worry about you! where is your support? why did your family agree to such a match?

If you divorce this man your life is not over......how ever if you keep this relationship going and your the only one adding to it emotionally and financially......your hopes and dreams and your heart will never be complete.....

this is just my opinion but the thought that you should purchase running shoes and run fast away from this is the best thing that you could do is in my mind.....that advise i give based only on what i read on this thread......

what ever you decide is up to you i have added you to my prayers May Allah help guide you towards what is best for you

Ameen

sara

This is all exactly correct. My husband and his family treat me perfectly like how you described it. He read this thread too and he agrees that the guy is scamming her. Check that he changed his mind recently to have a baby in 3 years instead of two, because in 3 years he knows he will be able to apply for citizenship. This guy loves babies but wants to wait until around the same time he will be a USC to have any of his own? very very suspicious. It sounds like he wants to divorce after citizenship and remarry a "real" wife and start his family then. I really hope she listens to what has been said here and does not assist his scam any further. Its a very obvious scam to any one who understands pakistani men and the culture in general. I hope she realizes and gets away with little damage. Its not too late to get away. :\

[Love To Teach 161]

Should I give it another try? Maybe he hardly spoke to me because of the conditions and culture there? Maybe he himself was depressed there? I have no idea because I hardly even knew him before the marriage. Its quite a big of an adjustment for me. This whole situation dumbfounds me. When I ask him why he doesnt show love, he says I have American thoughts. The last time he said it, I asked him why is he coming here if he has a problem with American thoughts. And if hes brother is getting married and shows love, then he must have American thought too then. It seams this man is not capable of showing love. I cant not force a person to love me, that itself would be such a depressing and shameful thought. Its just best to go separate ways. A person cannot demand or ask for love that is not there. He's says he loves me and he will try to show it but 18 months has gone by. I wish the Embassy asked for phone records or asked him more questions. They should be able to detect possible fraud, no? He did say they were rude (and needed more documents of support.)

Do I succumb to this life? How do I tell what normal is? I dont want to turn out like the other people I've read about in this forum that after they get get their citizenship, its bye bye time. By that time, Ill have no kids.

Honey, he's not gonna change. If he was cold then, he will be cold now. He is what heis and won't be comfortable trying to be what you want him to be. Get a divorce and move on. You are young, educated, attractive. Don't waste your life on a guy who is not capable of loving you like you need to be loved. Trust me, been there, done that. You will just end up being older and wiser if you wait. Cut your losses and move on. BTW, I don't understand why you don't have a good income. You said you are a doctor? Or, I apologize if I misinterpreted what you wrote. Hugs...

[TBoneTX 45,572]

The OP hasn't logged onto VJ since May 6. Folks might want to save their posting energies until she resurfaces.

[redwhiteblue 6]

So,

I went to the wedding, actually had a great time. Visited Kashmir and decided not to go with the divorce since my parents had said that when he comes to the US he'll change. Also one week was too short to even find a lawyer and proceed with a divorce. Looks bad with a new bride in the house too.

We had a great time the first month he was here at least I thought. He forgot most of his clothes as he hardly packed, his mom did it for him. I thought he should have made a suitcase before I even arrived in Pakistan. I had to ask his mother if he had anything to pack in. She gave me a duffle bag. Told him multiple of times to pack that day as he had 2pm-11pm to pack. Well he forgot a lot of things. I ended up shopping for him when he came. Nothing expensive, but just the basics from outlets and Marshalls. Whenever he wanted to go somewhere e.g. Boston, NYC, my friends family place, i took him without a hesitation. His dad had given him cash for his tickets and enough for his initial expenses. He pitched in a few times but not too much e.g. two dinners,once for gas and 100 for part of my car payment. Im only working part time and don't make enough for two people but I still helped him get his basic shopping and groceries. My parents were nice enough to let us live with them, have food provided by them, and be taken out to different place all the time. He would practice driving with my dad without a permit despite me telling him you shouldn't since its wrong. As soon as we came back we went to the SS office to get his SS number. Were told to wait 10 days after his arrival date. Tried getting him a drivers liscence but told to wait till he got his SS#. Opened a bank account to he could deposit his cash. Opened a library card. I did things asap, went inquiring on it the first few days. I would tell him to make sure he has this this and that. I also let him study for his GRE so he could get another Masters.

The thing is,

After a month, about 2 weeks before his GRE test date, I had asked him if I could borrow his month to pay my credit card bill and i would return him the money. Instead he told me to ask my parents. My parents refused. Instead he called my parents names which hurt me. So what if my parents are not as rich as his parents to give me money whenever i want. Well, the next day he invested his money in currency. How did I find out? Well, a family freind uncle, told him to open a card through a store and after coming home I said thats not good for credit history. I told him instead open with American Express. I sent him a link though email and told him to open his email. Upon opening it i saw an Alert from his new bank account that his balance was zero. Looked below that it, there was an email for depositing funds for investing. THAT WAS LIKE A BIG WOW. I simply told him, you've done this in the past and I told you if you gamble your money again I want a divorce. He explained, Zakir Nayak said investing is not haram. I told him I dont care what he says since the deal was if you do it again then Im out. He told me he lost a lot of his dads money the first week of marriage and how he may not be able to spend to much money on me. Me being a new wife I was supportive and said well try to pay him back as soon as possible. We did when he left his job and got his soverns package. He had taken my wedding albums money and did something with it of which i still do not know till this day. I got tired of answering people we dont have the album because we dont have the money to pay the photographer. My dad had given it to his brother and he took the money from his brother without telling me. He invested after our anniversary too. I realized when he would wake up at night to go to another room just to look at his investments. Its so sickly. He hardly gave me attention and only look at that. He was jobless since April, not looking for any job and in October he was doing this. Instead he should have been studying for his GRE as he planned to. (I doubt he opened that book until he came to the US.) In the meantime, parents would send me a hundred or two every month or other for my basic expenses such as food and clothes. I got really depressed, asked a few times that we should separate. He saw I was going numb and crying for no reason. When my birthday was coming near in November, my parents looked concerned and asked if it was okay if she came to the US and he thought it was a good idea. Thats when I left and it took time for me to get better. I did. I did until the past month, Ive noticed me becoming depressed and numb again. I think at work people have noticed the happy me become sad me. I don't want to look sad.

Ever since the day he invested again in the USA, I stopped taking him places saying I have no money for gas, sorry. Ive stopped shopping groceries for him, things he likes like pineapples and other fruits. Instead my parents take us out in their car. And they took us out a lot, like 2-3x per week. Even a concert at MGM where I bought him shorts so he could swim since he so loves doing that. But I've distanced myself and asked for a divorce. I've asked since that Mid-June and about 2 weeks ago his parents called yelling at me and my parents that we have made him a slave and dont let him go anywhere. That misinformation hurt. This man complained against us and to the opposite. I've never told him he had to stay at home. Never asked him to cook. Only said a few times that it would be nice if he doesnt wait for me to do the laundry since hes run out of clothes to wear. My sister had told him once that he should surprise me by cooking me a meal so that id be surprised when i came home. I dont think he knows how to cook so never asked him to. Plus his mom in Pakistan got real pissed when she thought i asked him to make tea for me when i never did. I told him from that day on never make me tea or cook for me since you mother does not like it.

I want to get out of this marriage. It has red flags from all over. But....Im having difficulty. He wont sign the papers. Hes staying at an uncles an hour a way and i have drove there several times including last night for him hoping to sign the papers.

I have to look for a lawyer now to serve him.

So thats my story so far. I feel dead but i feel like this is the right thing to do for a better future. My uncle, aunt and parents still say to give him a chance again. Last night he even said he wont change and he will always invest. My sister said invest if you have the money to invest. I told them in Islam the book says the husbands duty is to provide. I havent seen him look for jobs and he says he want to get into college. Everyone here has told him you can work and go to school at the same time. He wont budge. Everyone agrees he is not trying hard enough to look for a job. Thats their thing. My concern is, even if he finds a job, he'll invest everything like he did several times before.

I tried looking for a better job and I got a offer letter. I decided not to tell him since he has so many secrets of his own. He treid to come back twice when he called me to come see him as he would sign the papers. Each time I went he didnt and tried to come back with me. I told him his dad has to say it since he called and said you should leave since we made you a slave, didnt let you go anywhere and that his uncle would put him on a bus to NYC to see a doctor friend of his. Dont even know if he even met up with him. Do you see what I mean, he hardly tells me anything. If he wanted to try hard, he would keep me updated or even call me. Hes only called for short periods of time to ask me to come see him for the papers. Probably on our uncles request.

Im gonna try to be strong. My parents realize he cant change and hes not the right guy and can not take care of me.

[rade2rising 205]

[TBoneTX 45,572]

Last night he even said he wont change and he will always invest.

There's your answer and your reason to proceed with YOUR life despite him.

Im gonna try to be strong.

You can do this, you'll survive it, and when it's over, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders and you may even exclaim to no one in particular, "I'm free!"

My parents realize he cant change and hes not the right guy and can not take care of me.

Excellent -- and there's the beginning of your support system.

[Darnell 8,478]

hmmm