Thinking of a divorce after his Visa approval a week ago.

[Darnell 8,478]

To be honest I didn't read the entire thread, so I apologize if someone pointed this out before me.

The bold sentences highlighted above raises a red flag in my head. The superficial idea of not being overweight, having fair complexion (I don't even know what that means. Does having a tanned complexion makes you less attractive?) and friends confirming your attractiveness are NOT elements for lustful behavior. I'm a curvy latina, tanned/ brown complexion and I've never been proposed to before my now husband. Without getting into intimate details, I can assure you lustful behavior is happening..... a lot. Furthermore, I am 36 and he is 29; no kids. Get my drift? Sorry for the comparison, but it somewhat worries me that this insecurity is preventing you from making a rational decision for yourself..... which is the whole point of my post.

If your husband- or significant other for that matter- doesn't satisfy you.. out with the old and on with the new at any age! Right now, it seems you're wasting your time with an undeserving man. You only have one life; live it to the fullest. And yes, you can have normal babies at 45. It's not unheard of.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I've not made any 'relationship' advice yet on this post, I tend to wait a few days and let the thread sink in ..

Here I go.

I infer that the OP's parents are pakistani, so to be fair complected is a big deal in Pakistan - it's a 'high beauty' trait there. That other beauty trait, to not be overweight, is another 'high beauty' trait there in Pakistan. I know, I know, different traits in different places, but to be fair - she's a 'catch' in Pakistan - Gorgeous by their standards, and an 'at the edge' Medical Doctor.

To complicate things, the OP and her husband are COUSINS, unsure if through the mother or father, but it blows me away that the fella shows no real interest in the commonplace, day to day love-y dove-y things that a couple WILL do. This isn't cultural, at all. IMO, the husband thinks this is an arranged marriage (which it sorta is) and for what ever reason, he's just not showing normal signs of infatuation with her. He (IMO) really isn't interested in marriage as a marriage - he's looking at 'it' more along the lines of getting into the USA. I think deep down HIS parents have some large 'move the family to the USA' project in the works, and it was convenient to them that a cousin popped up at the time she did (that's the OP, btw).

Many things smell, on this one. Sorry.

[zapatosfeos 17]

Ive always been attracted to guys that are brown. Living there, Ive had people tell me that i was lucky being light skin, so I dont even know what that means. Maybe its a complex thing. But i love my browns.

About babies...the risk increases as there may be problems with meiosis. We are born with eggs arrested in a dividing state. And with time and exposure to many things, we can harm them. Usually when there is a chromosomal problem due to replication mishap we have a natural abortion without even knowing it. It may look like menstruation. We only notice missed abortions when we dont bleed more than a month and then we have more than usual. Its until someone is tested for BHCG can we know, yes she was pregnant. And that after 10 days of implantation in the urine and 8 days for the blood. I would love a healthy baby. Yes they do testing for all this here e.g.amniocentesis and all but these are test to see if you have a down syndrome kid or any other chromosomal abnormality. Even our wrinkles show our DNA not repairing its as it should.

First of all OMG you are only 32 thats hardly too old to start having babies, I am 35 with a 2 yr old who is very healthy. And plan on having another one in the next year or two, yikes what a dinosaur !

Second, why are you so concerned about having a healthy baby (something you CANNOT control) BUT NOT so concerned about having this man as the father of your child, and the UNHEALTHY enviroment the child would be brought up in (something you CAN control)???

BTW, I am not a doctor and have never been to medical school but didnt you say you are in the process of your boards? Isnt that like hardcore stuff?? That requires LOTS and LOTS of attention and dedication. I'm just saying if you are thinking about having a baby now and he is not willing to support you or help you....as a single mother for the last 2 years, I have not had time to go to they gym, sit in a movie or barely take a long shower, just saying.

Edited April 29, 2012 by zapatosfeos

[NY_BX 397]

Ive always been attracted to guys that are brown. Living there, Ive had people tell me that i was lucky being light skin, so I dont even know what that means. Maybe its a complex thing. But i love my browns.

About babies...the risk increases as there may be problems with meiosis. We are born with eggs arrested in a dividing state. And with time and exposure to many things, we can harm them. Usually when there is a chromosomal problem due to replication mishap we have a natural abortion without even knowing it. It may look like menstruation. We only notice missed abortions when we dont bleed more than a month and then we have more than usual. Its until someone is tested for BHCG can we know, yes she was pregnant. And that after 10 days of implantation in the urine and 8 days for the blood. I would love a healthy baby. Yes they do testing for all this here e.g.amniocentesis and all but these are test to see if you have a down syndrome kid or any other chromosomal abnormality. Even our wrinkles show our DNA not repairing its as it should.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't imply- let alone even thought- you're prejudiced in any way. Clearly you're not as you're married to a Pakistani man! I meant, I never understood why even mention the skin color as an asset. I do understand, however, how you could bring that up living in a country where people felt you were "lucky being light skin." You like browns? you'll be able to find a more lustful worthy man in Harlem

I digress...

I understand our biology and the risk increase with age. That doesn't mean its physically impossible to have a baby after 40. Anyways, the issue is he wants to wait- not you. That gives you more power to make your decision. Which brings me to the point, why even consider bringing a child to this world with a man that seems to careless about being married, let alone having a family? The vibe I'm getting is that physics are more important than spiritual and mental health. To me, its 50/50.

Edited April 29, 2012 by NY_BX

[NY_BX 397]

I've not made any 'relationship' advice yet on this post, I tend to wait a few days and let the thread sink in ..

Here I go.

I infer that the OP's parents are pakistani, so to be fair complected is a big deal in Pakistan - it's a 'high beauty' trait there. That other beauty trait, to not be overweight, is another 'high beauty' trait there in Pakistan. I know, I know, different traits in different places, but to be fair - she's a 'catch' in Pakistan - Gorgeous by their standards, and an 'at the edge' Medical Doctor.

To complicate things, the OP and her husband are COUSINS, unsure if through the mother or father, but it blows me away that the fella shows no real interest in the commonplace, day to day love-y dove-y things that a couple WILL do. This isn't cultural, at all. IMO, the husband thinks this is an arranged marriage (which it sorta is) and for what ever reason, he's just not showing normal signs of infatuation with her. He (IMO) really isn't interested in marriage as a marriage - he's looking at 'it' more along the lines of getting into the USA. I think deep down HIS parents have some large 'move the family to the USA' project in the works, and it was convenient to them that a cousin popped up at the time she did (that's the OP, btw).

Many things smell, on this one. Sorry.

Fantastic points! I never meant for it to be relationship advise, but more as expressing my opinion. As far as the skin color, yes, I absolutely understand the common perception of beauty in different cultures. That, however, is not the point I was trying to illustrate. The fact that she points that out as highlights of herself, trying to make sense as to why he's not attracted to her (there, I said it). You clearly explained here what his own truth is: it's not her beauty or lack of thereof.... She's simply being used.

[jaycali 415]

Your right its I-864 and the a.Im still reading all the posts...sorry for the late reply.

Yep, it's a CR-1, not a K-3. K-3 isn't really a 'spousal visa' per se.. It's a visa to let the spouse stay in the US while waiting for the actual spousal visa, CR-1. However, CR-1 and K-3 take the same amount of time nowadays, so the K-3 doesn't exist anymore in real life, only on paper. Any K-3 petition/application is just merged with the CR-1 now and administratively closed. Only CR-1 visas exist now. No K-3s.

Something to consider.

I wouldn't consider chancing it. If you want a very good reason not to chance it, here goes: When your husband that you plan to divorce enters the US on his CR-1, he'll be a US permanent resident. However, since your parents signed the I-864, they're financially responsible for him for years to come. Potentially decades. That financial obligation does not end if you end up divorcing. If he comes to the US, and you divorce, and he doesn't get a job and start applying for various government benefits.. Where do you think the government might send the bill? Whoever signed the I-864.

Edited April 30, 2012 by jaejayC

[pushbrk 12,987]

Yep, it's a CR-1, not a K-3. K-3 isn't really a 'spousal visa' per se.. It's a visa to let the spouse stay in the US while waiting for the actual spousal visa, CR-1. However, CR-1 and K-3 take the same amount of time nowadays, so the K-3 doesn't exist anymore in real life, only on paper. Any K-3 petition/application is just merged with the CR-1 now and administratively closed. Only CR-1 visas exist now. No K-3s.

I wouldn't consider chancing it. If you want a very good reason not to chance it, here goes: When your husband that you plan to divorce enters the US on his CR-1, he'll be a US permanent resident. However, since your parents signed the I-864, they're financially responsible for him for years to come. Potentially decades. That financial obligation does not end if you end up divorcing. If he comes to the US, and you divorce, and he doesn't get a job and start applying for various government benefits.. Where do you think the government might send the bill? Whoever signed the I-864.

Yes, the obsolete K3 IS and always WAS a spouse visa. It's just not an "immigrant spouse visa". My wife arrived on a K3 visa and NEVER got ANY other visa. The K3 spouse has the choice of going back to their country for a CR1 or IR1 visa but the more popular choice is to simply adjust status from inside the USA. All pretty moot and off-topic but false information needs correction wherever it appears here.

The first bill goes to the petitioner. The joint sponsor parent(s) are second in line. Remember though that the spouse is also the Nephew of the joint sponsors as this is a cousin marriage.

[X Factor 1,112]

The decison to divorce is out of the jurisdiction of all of us. It is yours alone. Just like your decision to marry him of you own free will was yours. But the advice given from this thread is just that - advice. Wish you the best in this gut wrenching decision.

[EminTX 131]

Something that I have not seen pointed out is that you always have the option, after withdrawing this petition, to reapply for another visa for him in the future, IF things do work out between you. Stopping this process now, is not necessarily final.

I agree with the advice to make the written statements (I'd fax AND mail via signature confirmation, if it was me!) and end this particular visa adventure. If you are really worth being his wife, he will make it very clear to you immediately by making the effort to be a husband to you. Divorces typically take time and effort so there would be time to "change your mind" if this seems to be the right path. FILING for a divorce is not the same thing as being granted the divorce. Start this process now without guilt because, if it DOES indeed seem like a mistake, you can stay married and refile the awesome gift of a visa petition in the future.

[jaycali 415]

Yes, the obsolete K3 IS and always WAS a spouse visa. It's just not an "immigrant spouse visa". My wife arrived on a K3 visa and NEVER got ANY other visa. The K3 spouse has the choice of going back to their country for a CR1 or IR1 visa but the more popular choice is to simply adjust status from inside the USA.

yep, bad wording on my part. I stand corrected. But intended as a visa to let the spouse wait out the I-130 process no less.

Edited April 30, 2012 by jaejayC

[catknit 144]

Another consideration - the husband is gay and his family has made an agreement with him that as long as he "works" on this extremely convenient relationship with his cousin, the family won't fuss.

Sum total if that's the case - OP's life will be unfulfilling and unsatisfactory.

The whole thing is just too weird - if this was a family set up for immigration purposes, the son should be at least affectionate [or putting an effort so she doesn't pull the plug before arriving]. It seems like he is completely unable to do that.

[pushbrk 12,987]

yep, bad wording on my part. I stand corrected. But intended as a visa to let the spouse wait out the I-130 process no less.

Intended that way 11 years ago, yes but it stopped saving any time, five years after its creation in 2011. Starting in November 2006, the two petitions have been processed together and approved the same day.

[Laveau 67]

Another consideration - the husband is gay and his family has made an agreement with him that as long as he "works" on this extremely convenient relationship with his cousin, the family won't fuss.

Sum total if that's the case - OP's life will be unfulfilling and unsatisfactory.

The whole thing is just too weird - if this was a family set up for immigration purposes, the son should be at least affectionate [or putting an effort so she doesn't pull the plug before arriving]. It seems like he is completely unable to do that.

This is exactly what I thought, too.

[NY_BX 397]

Another consideration - the husband is gay and his family has made an agreement with him that as long as he "works" on this extremely convenient relationship with his cousin, the family won't fuss.

Sum total if that's the case - OP's life will be unfulfilling and unsatisfactory.

The whole thing is just too weird - if this was a family set up for immigration purposes, the son should be at least affectionate [or putting an effort so she doesn't pull the plug before arriving]. It seems like he is completely unable to do that.

I thought about that too.

[RiaB 1]

I am sorry but the OP's story does not make sense to me.

I was born in Pakistan and lived there until I was 10 and I visited Pakistan every few years. My whole extended family lives in Pakistan and have many US born friends married to Pakistani guys who they sponsored and brought here. So let me say I have been around a lot of Pakistani guys and her husband supposedly saying showing affection to your wife is too American in thoughts is a bunch of bullcrap. Also earning $200 as a doctor in Pakistan? That's 16000 rupees. That's nearly impossible and than you are going to movies and stuff every week? When I go visit Pakistan, my housing, food, and everything else is paid for by my husband and his family and I still spend more than $200 in a week just doing basic stuff like going out with my cousins once in a while or going to movies and all.

Than the OP not having any clue about any of the process or papers after sponsoring her husband and her husband in Pakistan getting a visa so easily when we all know nearly 99% of the men go into AP even when they have all their required papers and know everything about their partners is also very unbelievable. The only red flags I see are with the OP.

[catknit 144]

I am sorry but the OP's story does not make sense to me.

I was born in Pakistan and lived there until I was 10 and I visited Pakistan every few years. My whole extended family lives in Pakistan and have many US born friends married to Pakistani guys who they sponsored and brought here. So let me say I have been around a lot of Pakistani guys and her husband supposedly saying showing affection to your wife is too American in thoughts is a bunch of bullcrap. Also earning $200 as a doctor in Pakistan? That's 16000 rupees. That's nearly impossible and than you are going to movies and stuff every week? When I go visit Pakistan, my housing, food, and everything else is paid for by my husband and his family and I still spend more than $200 in a week just doing basic stuff like going out with my cousins once in a while or going to movies and all.

Than the OP not having any clue about any of the process or papers after sponsoring her husband and her husband in Pakistan getting a visa so easily when we all know nearly 99% of the men go into AP even when they have all their required papers and know everything about their partners is also very unbelievable. The only red flags I see are with the OP.

I completely agree that not showing affection is plain odd! Something else is going on - hence floating the gay theory.

$200/month as a doctor in South Asia is unfortunately where a lot of docs start their careers. If she only has an MBBS and hasnt gone on to any specialty or done a PG, making less than $3000/year is par for the course. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if female docs have a different and lower pay scale. You've lived in SA - you know what it can be like there - not sure if she mentioned where she is, but in a second or third tier city $200/month can be "decent" pay.

Also, she mentions that she is submissive with respect to her parents and their decisions about her. If Daddy and Mommy were pulling the strings on all of this, she may have never known what was filed, when it was filed, where they were in the process, etc etc etc. I'm guessing [and I admit it is only a guess] that papers would be sent to be signed/filled out with the assurances that they are needed and no need to question anything, Daddy and Mommy are taking care of it....

I just hope that the OP is thinking all of this through as best she can and makes the best decision for happiness.