Had American ignorance affected yours or your spouse's adjustment to life in the U.S.?

[Daniel&Theary 30]

I would like to say not all Americans are not that way, and I can say it happens every where. I treat people with respect but yet when I was in France a few years ago because I was and American and I was with some Hispanic people we were treated rudely and even spit at (little advice do not ever spit at some one who is 6'2 250 pounds and a former Army Ranger).

My wife has not been treated badly and I would not allow it to happen. Most the problem I have ever seen are people who move to American and expect America to change to the country you left. Now I am not saying America is better then any other country but you came here for a reason its you that must adjust not us. If you do not love America and do not want to live the American life then maybe America is not the place for you.

Again sorry your husband was treated so badly and I am not saying he is at fault I am just giving a little advice in general. It will be a much better world when all religions can put there superiority complex to the side and let everyone be happy.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The ignorance we have run into has been of two types

1. people who clearly just do not like "immigrants" unless it was their grandparents. Example: Alla runs into a woman at Lowes looking at flowers and they start up a conversation. Second sentence the woman asks "Where are you from?" Alla says "Ukraine" The woman asks "How long are you visiting for?" Alla says "I live here with my husband" and kind of motions to me. "Oh is your husband also a refugee?" Alla says "No he is a US citizen" The woman turns and walks away. End of conversation. Who cares? Nothing important but it is disappointing, especially in a "liberal tolerant state" like Vermont where it is OK to marry your lesbian, transgender sheep, but I guess NOT OK to be a "refugee"

Alla applied for a job as soon as she was able to, a small job, part time as a clerk in a woman's clothing store. She was interviewed, showed all her documents and hired. Filled out the I-9, was given a schedule of work hours and came away very happy that she had her "first job in America" she did all this, by herself, in English. Interview, form filling out, etc. All without help, all in English. That night a woman called and asked me in English to speak to Alla. Alla got on the phone and never said another word in English, spoke entirely Russian for the entire conversation. The woman was a Russian speaking woman from another store that called to "welcome" Alla to working at the Mall (woo hoo!) and they just generally blabbed in Russian for a while. Alla thought it "was nice" and she would have a native Russian speaker to "have lunch breaks with" How sweet.

Next Day, the manager of the store that hired Alla called to say she could not work there because her "English skills were not sufficient" Alla has a Masters Degreee in English and worked as a Translator/interpretor for years in Ukraine. Alla could teach the manager of the store English. Turns out the woman that called was a set-up, someone that called to "determine Alla's English skills" By speaking nothing but Russian? The store was CJ Banks, in case anyone wonders. I called the corporate headquarters in Minnesota, a regional mgr. was assigned to the complaint and Alla went to work there as scheduled. And FWIW the woman that called was an ethnic Georgian and spoke "horrible Russian, like a dockworker"

Alla became very popular at the store and many women asked for "the Russian girl" when they came in. She left there after the Christmas season as her 2nd semester studies were much more time consuming and she really just wanted some exposure to "American culture" I would say she got some. You may say "Oh Big deal, just get another minimum wage clerk job" RUB women to not roll that way! Close the door in their face and they go around the side, kick in a window and come in anyway.

2. The other type is official ignorance. The SS clerk that tells our son who appears with a green card that he "needs a new visa to get an SSN" The clerk at DMV that tells our son he needs an SSN to take the test for a drivers license. NO HE DOES NOT (not in Vermont) The supervisor corrects her and moments later, literally, I overhear her tell another person from Colombia "You need an SSN to take the test to get a drivers license" That woman was going to leave until I informed her to talk to the supervisor. Same clerk, moments apart tells an immigrant the same story after being informed of the rule. The woman at the station where they actually issue the DL told our son he had to show "proof he got married within 90 days" He is a K-2 NOT a K-1. Another supervisor, another corrected clerk.

We can read here in these forums the endless stories of official ignorance. Most recently Alla was told by the clerk at the passport office (not the post office, we went to the passport office in St Albans and paid an extra $60 each for the privilege) That we needed a copy of her divorce decree with an order of sole custody for Pasha or Pasha (now a CITIZEN) could not get a passport! NO WE DO NOT! Again a supervisor cleared that up and the clerk when on to "help" someone else. and HOW doid the supervisor clear it up? By showing the clerk the directions and requirements listed in the passport office's OWN INSTRUCTIONS! We had already read the instructions (imagine that!) and were there with everything we needed according to the instructions and suddenly told out of thin air, that we needed something else. NO WE DO NOT!

Be advised that our government offices, federal, state and local are FULL of untrained staff assigned to "help" you and they WILL affect your life if you allow them to. Google is your friend. Inform yourself of each process you are going to proceed with...DMV, passports, whatever, even recently one where a person was declined credit because their SS card still said "not valid for employment without DHS authorization"

If the staff were simply untrained, that would not be their fault. But when they INVENT answers and excuses rather than ask what to do, THAT is wrong and THAT is their own decision. Be advised they will do it and unless YOU know the truth you will be hassled, inconvenienced, and denied what is yours.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Interesting discussion here and no, I don't think you are typecasting the US at all. I experienced far more 'racism' while I was studying in Canada than I have ever done in the US, and most of it was more out of ignorance than malice. And would you believe it, most of the racist comments came from non-Americans (like this Chinese dude I ran into at Chinatown, Toronto who told me to my face, 'oh, these bloody Indians!!) and it used to give me particular pleasure to try and 'educate' each one of them until I realised I was just bruising myself even more. It used to amuse me when some people were surprised that I could speak good English,"even though I am from India."

That said, I should also say that much of the down putting that I have experienced in the US has been, brace yourself for this, not from Americans but from certain sections of Indians themselves who cannot hide their bias for the newer immigrants. I have had a certain wealthy Gujarati neighbor often pass snide remarks about how people from the 'south of India' are swarming all over the neighborhood, yada, yada, yada. I think this stems more from having their sense of exclusivity lost, you know, like being forced to share their American pie which they thought they had monopolistic rights over.

I am also seeing that more and more Indians now are not afraid of showing their Indian accent, and are quite cool with it. I remember how an earlier generation of Indians coming to the US used to go to extra ordinary lengths to 'Americanize' their accents and often end up sounding very funny and put-on. So far the only 'adjustments' I have had to make are, like what Vanessa&Tony said, the zee/zed, check/cheque, round trip/return trip etc switch overs.

Alla now has an interpreting/Translating business here. She recently had a client, an old Russian man, in his 80s, who is hospitalized. Mostly his daughter (now a US citizen) interprets for him but she is not always available, so they have been using Alla when his daughter is not available

He asks Alla how is it she came to live in the US and she tells him she met her US husband when he was working in Ukraine. OMG! She is a traitor to the "Soviet Union" The Rodina (motherland) blah blah blah. OMG! So Alla asks him how is it HE is here? Oh, he was petitioned by his daughter, who is now a US citizen, who met her US citizen husband when he was working in Russia.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

I suggest you study the "Caste System" in India...they make us look like rookies.

Thank you for the advice. I am well aware of the caste system in India. However since this is a U.S. immigration forum and my fiance is immigrating to the U.S. I didn't find it pertinent to discuss how much worse the caste system is in India.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

The OP question was "Had American ignorance affected yours or your spouse's adjustment to life in the U.S.?" and also said, I'm just curious if anyone else has had issues adjusting to American life because of comments directed at that they were not intended to be rude but came across as insulting.They're asking others about their experience's after they arrived in the US.

I agree it's not only the US but hurtful words hurt and don't we hope someday ppl will learn to keep their comments to themselves, Yes I'm a dreamer. Honestly I could make a list of insults my husband has taken. He just brushes them off like he don't hear them. I'm not so nice and I get angry, the words ring in my ears. As an American I KNOW they're ignorant ppl because it's what I have had to view my whole life. The fact is anyone from any country that has something nasty to say are going to say it. It's the person that way not where they come from.

Ohhh honey the things that ran through my mind, lol ... I love the way you think

I'm glad that you understand the original point I was trying to make.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is very unfortunate that your husband was forced to deal with this insulting situation.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

Some people on this thread seem to be misinterpreting my original post. I did not start this post to say the U.S. is "the most racist, intolerant, and xenophobic country in the world". Not sure where that is coming from. Also posting that "racism and intolerance exist everywhere" is not pertinent to my original topic as I specifically mentioned how people have experienced intolerance in the U.S.

This forum is a U.S. immigration forum intended for individuals or their spouses/families who are intending immigrants to the U.S. That being said, I started this thread to discuss those said immigrant's experiences integrating into U.S. society. I shared the negative experience my fiance has had and how he personally compared it to the other countries he has lived and worked in. It did not impact his perception of the U.S. or change his mind about moving here permanently but he was certainly shocked when he heard them. More of a "huh, did he really just say that?" than actually offense. He did ask me though if I think these comments will go away or if its something he will always have to prepare to deal with. I think because it happens more than we Americans like to think, it is worth discussing to your spouse about the possibility of ignorance and how to properly deal with it. Same thing my fiance would do for me if I were moving to India.

[Darnell 8,478]

Some people on this thread seem to be misinterpreting my original post. I did not start this post to say the U.S. is "the most racist, intolerant, and xenophobic country in the world". Not sure where that is coming from. Also posting that "racism and intolerance exist everywhere" is not pertinent to my original topic as I specifically mentioned how people have experienced intolerance in the U.S.

This forum is a U.S. immigration forum intended for individuals or their spouses/families who are intending immigrants to the U.S. That being said, I started this thread to discuss those said immigrant's experiences integrating into U.S. society. I shared the negative experience my fiance has had and how he personally compared it to the other countries he has lived and worked in. It did not impact his perception of the U.S. or change his mind about moving here permanently but he was certainly shocked when he heard them. More of a "huh, did he really just say that?" than actually offense. He did ask me though if I think these comments will go away or if its something he will always have to prepare to deal with. I think because it happens more than we Americans like to think, it is worth discussing to your spouse about the possibility of ignorance and how to properly deal with it. Same thing my fiance would do for me if I were moving to India.

A sidenote -

I am more and more confused, yer use of the word 'fiance' when you're pegged (in yer profile) for an IR-1/CR-1 visa. Just saying....

[Laveau 67]

I suggest you study the "Caste System" in India...they make us look like rookies.

omg. I became very good friends with my Indian neighbor. He came here for his MBA from Mumbai. He seemed sooo cool. but after getting to know more about him I got to see how racist he was. Maybe it was just him and had nothing to do with his nationality but dude was brutal in his opinions regarding blacks and Indians from Delhi...oh and Pakis! We are not friends anymore.

[Laveau 67]

Some people on this thread seem to be misinterpreting my original post. I did not start this post to say the U.S. is "the most racist, intolerant, and xenophobic country in the world". Not sure where that is coming from. Also posting that "racism and intolerance exist everywhere" is not pertinent to my original topic as I specifically mentioned how people have experienced intolerance in the U.S.

This forum is a U.S. immigration forum intended for individuals or their spouses/families who are intending immigrants to the U.S. That being said, I started this thread to discuss those said immigrant's experiences integrating into U.S. society. I shared the negative experience my fiance has had and how he personally compared it to the other countries he has lived and worked in. It did not impact his perception of the U.S. or change his mind about moving here permanently but he was certainly shocked when he heard them. More of a "huh, did he really just say that?" than actually offense. He did ask me though if I think these comments will go away or if its something he will always have to prepare to deal with. I think because it happens more than we Americans like to think, it is worth discussing to your spouse about the possibility of ignorance and how to properly deal with it. Same thing my fiance would do for me if I were moving to India.

I answered your question which I think is esp relevent since Kamran is s. asian. However, I should have given more thought to what I would write because the area you move to in usa probably has a big bearing on the negative attitudes a foreigner will receive. K first lived in Houston. I read H has one of the biggest desi pos. in USA. Now we are in Dallas and it's still quite diverse here. Tjis is probably why he hasn't experienced any kind of American "ignorance" regarding his paki-ness

Where will you and your husband live here?

[LeftCoastLady 441]

Even though the U.S. is a self-proclaimed "melting pot", I still find many people to be abrasive toward foreign nationals looking to establish themselves here. My fiance himself is a very well-traveled man and has said to me that the U.S. is much more intolerant than the U.K. by comparison. People here have not been shy about directing racial slurs, comments about his accent, and other "tart" comments.

Other actions have been less subtle but still insulting such as giving him dirty looks when he speaks Hindi or telling him to "speak American" when he answers in English with a strong pronounced Indian accent.

Most of the time, we both just brushed these comments off but it's extremely difficult for me to control myself when someone is being so disrespectful to the man I love. Most of the time, I believe that the comments stem from ignorance rather than contempt or spite.

I'm just curious if anyone else has had issues adjusting to American life because of comments directed at that they were not intended to be rude but came across as insulting.

You're likely getting responses of the "America isn't worse than [insert other country here]" vein because you said America, i.e the entire country, rather than looking at it from a regional point of view and where you live. People will get cranky when someone tries to paint everyone who lives in the same country with the same brush. That's universal and not exclusive to the U.S., of course. If you had written, "We live in Boise, Idaho (for example), and here's our experience...has anyone dealt with a similar situation?" it would have given some context to where you are.

That said, the farther you get from the metro areas, the more likely you will start to encounter larger groups of the population who may have had little to no previous personal interactions (i.e., not what they've seen on TV/the Internet) with someone from a different country, different racial/ethnic background, and/or different religion. Thus, patience and a sturdy skin will be needed.

Will some immigrants have issues in this country regardless of where they live? Absolutely, especially if they don't choose to assimilate, which is what is the intention of the "melting pot" proclamation... that thinking believes that people should be proud of where they're from/their heritage, but to be an American first.

To date, the only thing that will get my fiancé cranky is if someone calls him English because they don't realize/don't know the UK is made up of different countries and assume the default is they're all English. Welsh, Brit, European, hell, even Eurotrash, but call him English and watch for the death glare.

Edited April 29, 2012 by LeftCoastLady

[amyandjorge 76]

One thing I have noticed in my relatively short life, society does not appreciate immigrants. We don't make ourselves look better by saying other people are interolerant as well.

Anywho. My husband was expecting it. My mother was not. She came home nearly in tears because a worker at Lowe's made a snide comment about the fact that the product they loaded into her vehicle was also labeled in Spanish blah blah blah. And of course, my husband was with her.

Close to being the most scared I have ever been was in NC with my husband at a flea market. We walked up to a man selling junk mostly and knives. He took one look at us and said, 'Well look at that, a Mexican and a Northerner'... like we were both foreign.

Another problem my husband has, people assume he sells drugs (cocaine). I hear this from other Hispanic men, too.

However, as some of mentioned, ignorance is not always negative (don't get me wrong, racism is). I welcome the opportunity to answer questions about Honduras culture and my husband LOVES telling stories about life in Honduras to a captive audience (lol he's so exotic). I also feel like it is especially important for people who have been through the immigration process (beneficiary or petitioner), to answer questions about immigration. If more people knew how rigorous the spousal immigration process is, I feel like the general attitude towards immigrants would be different.

The thing about America is, even though there is ignorance, racism, intolerance, for the most part they are illegal. There are laws that protect against discrimination, there is such a thing as a hate crime.

[rade2rising 205]

Americans are special ppl

[rlogan 2,036]

She's never had any directed towards her in person. People say she's beautiful, so they cut her some slack. Especially the guys. But online it can be a convenient weapon for malicious people to use for an attack.

Before she came I had someone tell me I had "given up" by marrying my wife. I was baffled because he wouldn't say it directly and I didn't understand. I kept pressing him : what do you mean "giving up"? I traveled all over the world an married the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. He got me so frustrated by not saying what he meant that I got angy - and then it dawned on me. He was a racist! But too much of a coward to say it. I went from being angry to laughing my butt off at the guy for being such an idiot.

But he absolutely would not accept that I could love an Asian. I would only marry one because I "gave up". Until he met her. So he went to the Philippines himself now, just back from Cebu. I guess he gave up.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

She's never had any directed towards her in person. People say she's beautiful, so they cut her some slack. Especially the guys. But online it can be a convenient weapon for malicious people to use for an attack.

Before she came I had someone tell me I had "given up" by marrying my wife. I was baffled because he wouldn't say it directly and I didn't understand. I kept pressing him : what do you mean "giving up"? I traveled all over the world an married the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. He got me so frustrated by not saying what he meant that I got angy - and then it dawned on me. He was a racist! But too much of a coward to say it. I went from being angry to laughing my butt off at the guy for being such an idiot.

But he absolutely would not accept that I could love an Asian. I would only marry one because I "gave up". Until he met her. So he went to the Philippines himself now, just back from Cebu. I guess he gave up.

I didn't get "racist" from it at all. It sounds like he was accusing you of "buying" a wife, or "settling" for whatever you could get (assuming she was ugly or something). Which is why when he saw her he had a turn-around. If he was racist there would not have been a turn-around.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I didn't get "racist" from it at all. It sounds like he was accusing you of "buying" a wife, or "settling" for whatever you could get (assuming she was ugly or something). Which is why when he saw her he had a turn-around. If he was racist there would not have been a turn-around.

I took it to mean "giving up" as in giving up his freedom.