Never Given up before, but its becoming an option

[TiklingGuy 211]

What a rollarcoaster ride this has been. Monreal has been here now now almost a year. All the way up to about 2 months ago it looked as she adapted well to this new environment and seemed to really catch on to this culture. Monreal has 3 cousins here with her. One that lives 8 miles away from her who is her closest cousin and best friend growing up and two that live in the springfield/nixa area. When Monreal got here last July she really did not feel homesick suprisingly. She was insanely bored sitting at home all day while i was working but knew that when she received her work authorization card that she would be able to get a job and get out of the house. she began studying for her drivers learners permit and passed the test. she is now ready to take her drivers test. Our relationship was great and very rarely would we get into a fued over anything other than her being bored, which i blamed myself for that. Now she is working 5 days a week and enjoying what she is doing other than working at night.

I was divorced from my ex-wife back in 2004, and it has been very fortunate that me and my ex-wife have always maintained a good working friendship so that our 2 kids will not be put into a situation of having fueding parents. I have had full custody of my kids since the divorce. When me and Monreal were first introduced by her cousin and my best friend, i told her about my ex-wife and that me and her were friends. Monreal assured me that she did not have any problems with it and she was glad that my two kids had divorced parents that got along. My ex-wife for the first 9 months did not live in oklahoma, she was living in texas. She usually got the kids 3 times a year and alot of the time my mother would be doing the visit exchange with her becasue of my crazy work schedule, so i never got to see my ex-wife very much. Well, a month ago for the first time, my ex-wife has moved to the same town as we are in so she can be close to the kids and be apart of their day to day life. Now, all HELL as broken loose in my home. Monreal has completely went off the deep end about this. My ex-wife for a month now has minded her own business and has not tried to interfer with me and monreals marriage. She has reached out to Monreal and tried to assure her that she is only her to be with her kids and has no intentions of ever trying to win back my heart. I have been really suprised as to the Maturity my ex-wife has shown about all of this because usually it was the opposite for her. Every single time my ex-wife name is mentioned in my home, Monreal goes into what i am calling a "Crisis Mood" were she completely shuts down, does not function for herself, the house, the kids, her work, our relationship. She will completely disconnect from everything. When i ask her to talk about her problems all she ever says is "Nothing" i want to go home, i don't want to be here anymore. Sometimes i am able to pull her out by over powering her with reason, but sometimes i can't and it takes her family intervening from half way around the world. Her parents love me to death. Her father has already chewed her out for her attitue about all of this and she will not listen to anyone. Every bit of her problems come from her Jealousy and insecurity. She feels Jealous about my ex-wife. LOL I am friends with my ex-wife but i would marry Hitler's wife 100 times before i went back to my ex-wife. I am realizing real quick that she is not mature enough to handle this situation. She wants me to completely stop talking to my ex-wife. Me and my ex-wife really only talk about the kids when we speak. we do not got out and hang out. she does not come over for queso blanco during Hockey season. It really is just over the phone. Monreal told me that it is okay with her for me to talk to her about the kids, but in reality it pisses her off and shoots her into a Crisis Mood ever time. If i did what Monreal says and stop talking to my ex-wife, it will piss off my ex-wife to the point that she will fight with me every time we speak which will put the kids in a position that they have to choose which parent is right, wrong, who they want to be with. What will that do to the kids? they have always known their parents to be nice to each other. Monreal's Jealousy would cause that to happen if i bowed down to that. Monreal assured me that she would never change her position on this and that it will always be like this until i tell my ex-wife to F-Off. I am a firm believer that a husband and a wife have to be first in each others lives and then the kids come second. But in this situation i am protecting my kids from her Jealousy and insecurity. This will damage my children and they don't deserve that.

There is a 12 year age differece between me and Monreal, plus a major culture difference. She comes from an Island with no electricity or running water and has never known a divorced family. I blame myself because i did not consider this before we got married. This situation really blind sided me because up until this point our relationship has been greater than i ever imagined it would be. I am trying my hardest to be understanding of this, but i am starting to get so stressed out about this. I feel that she needs to be understanding as well and think about how her actions effect other people in her home.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

How old is she exactly?I don't think this is a culture issue, it seems more like I have never been married or dated a divorced man so I dk what to do with the very involved ex wife issue. Have you tried talking to her cousin and asking her to reassure your wife ?

[Laser1 63]

It sounds like you have to avoid talking with your ex-wife when your wife is present. Maybe call when you are at work, or email her. Also, continue having your mother transfer your children, if possible.

[TBoneTX 45,309]

She [...] has never known a divorced family.

This sounds like the heart of the issue. Counseling -- whether with her other family here or with a sympathetic therapist -- should provide some perspective and yield better results, si man.

You might even print out some relevant articles from the Internet and leave them for her to read and mull over. Perhaps a casual "when I get home, let's talk about this article" might help, si man.

[rodceasar 34]

Sorry to hear about your situation, however it seems that in time, this will pass. I am also several yrs older than my wife as you are and have experienced similiar problems regarding my ex. My ex-girlfriend and I were never married, therefore I refer to her only as "my sons mom". We have a working relationship for it is necessary to avoid court and other problems, as you know.

For my ex's birthday, Mothers Day and Christmas, I get her gifts from our son. My wife feels that I should not be doing this, since we are not together unless I still have feelings for her, which of course, I don't. I think I can use your same exact analogy in terms of getting back with my ex as you mention for your ex-wife. She has even suggested that I get her gifts from Walmart vs. a nice gift such as jewelry, which can cost some money. She also refers to my ex as my ex-wife,although we were never married. She states that in her country, if you have a child with a women, she is considered your wife, which I disagree as it relates in this country. I only have a working relationship with the ex-girlfriend whom I share a child.

This has caused some level of problems, however I think she has begun to accept the reality. I had to explain to her the circumstances of not having a working relationship with someone you share a child with in the US, specifically how my paycheck can be impacted at any given time. I have learned to play the role, well enough to avoid court again and having the state dipping into my paycheck, which would impact me and my wifes relationship.

It's a battle but I think I have moved forward. I no longer share the specific's of gifts, I get on behalf of my son anymore, which I don't like. Also, I make sure to speak with the ex, when my wife is not around and if so, keep it short. I think an ex being in the picture to any extent is a problem for many women, however I believe that it's important to explain the why's and how it helps your relationship by having a respectful working relationship with the other parent ex).

[RickJovi 81]

What a rollarcoaster ride this has been. Monreal has been here now now almost a year. All the way up to about 2 months ago it looked as she adapted well to this new environment and seemed to really catch on to this culture. Monreal has 3 cousins here with her. One that lives 8 miles away from her who is her closest cousin and best friend growing up and two that live in the springfield/nixa area. When Monreal got here last July she really did not feel homesick suprisingly. She was insanely bored sitting at home all day while i was working but knew that when she received her work authorization card that she would be able to get a job and get out of the house. she began studying for her drivers learners permit and passed the test. she is now ready to take her drivers test. Our relationship was great and very rarely would we get into a fued over anything other than her being bored, which i blamed myself for that. Now she is working 5 days a week and enjoying what she is doing other than working at night.

I was divorced from my ex-wife back in 2004, and it has been very fortunate that me and my ex-wife have always maintained a good working friendship so that our 2 kids will not be put into a situation of having fueding parents. I have had full custody of my kids since the divorce. When me and Monreal were first introduced by her cousin and my best friend, i told her about my ex-wife and that me and her were friends. Monreal assured me that she did not have any problems with it and she was glad that my two kids had divorced parents that got along. My ex-wife for the first 9 months did not live in oklahoma, she was living in texas. She usually got the kids 3 times a year and alot of the time my mother would be doing the visit exchange with her becasue of my crazy work schedule, so i never got to see my ex-wife very much. Well, a month ago for the first time, my ex-wife has moved to the same town as we are in so she can be close to the kids and be apart of their day to day life. Now, all HELL as broken loose in my home. Monreal has completely went off the deep end about this. My ex-wife for a month now has minded her own business and has not tried to interfer with me and monreals marriage. She has reached out to Monreal and tried to assure her that she is only her to be with her kids and has no intentions of ever trying to win back my heart. I have been really suprised as to the Maturity my ex-wife has shown about all of this because usually it was the opposite for her. Every single time my ex-wife name is mentioned in my home, Monreal goes into what i am calling a "Crisis Mood" were she completely shuts down, does not function for herself, the house, the kids, her work, our relationship. She will completely disconnect from everything. When i ask her to talk about her problems all she ever says is "Nothing" i want to go home, i don't want to be here anymore. Sometimes i am able to pull her out by over powering her with reason, but sometimes i can't and it takes her family intervening from half way around the world. Her parents love me to death. Her father has already chewed her out for her attitue about all of this and she will not listen to anyone. Every bit of her problems come from her Jealousy and insecurity. She feels Jealous about my ex-wife. LOL I am friends with my ex-wife but i would marry Hitler's wife 100 times before i went back to my ex-wife. I am realizing real quick that she is not mature enough to handle this situation. She wants me to completely stop talking to my ex-wife. Me and my ex-wife really only talk about the kids when we speak. we do not got out and hang out. she does not come over for queso blanco during Hockey season. It really is just over the phone. Monreal told me that it is okay with her for me to talk to her about the kids, but in reality it pisses her off and shoots her into a Crisis Mood ever time. If i did what Monreal says and stop talking to my ex-wife, it will piss off my ex-wife to the point that she will fight with me every time we speak which will put the kids in a position that they have to choose which parent is right, wrong, who they want to be with. What will that do to the kids? they have always known their parents to be nice to each other. Monreal's Jealousy would cause that to happen if i bowed down to that. Monreal assured me that she would never change her position on this and that it will always be like this until i tell my ex-wife to F-Off. I am a firm believer that a husband and a wife have to be first in each others lives and then the kids come second. But in this situation i am protecting my kids from her Jealousy and insecurity. This will damage my children and they don't deserve that.

There is a 12 year age differece between me and Monreal, plus a major culture difference. She comes from an Island with no electricity or running water and has never known a divorced family. I blame myself because i did not consider this before we got married. This situation really blind sided me because up until this point our relationship has been greater than i ever imagined it would be. I am trying my hardest to be understanding of this, but i am starting to get so stressed out about this. I feel that she needs to be understanding as well and think about how her actions effect other people in her home.

The way your wife is acting is how a lot of Filipina's act with exes. People who are from a different country and never experienced the Filipino culture really don't know what kind of advice to give. Their advice won't be relevant to the Filipino culture. I have had dealings with Filipinas before and the ex thing drives them all crazy. They believe an ex needs to be an ex. Someone else gave advice on talking to your ex-wife on issues about your children while at work, sounds like sound advise and your mother transporting them so you don't see your ex-wife is another piece of sound advice. As hard as it may seem, try to understand what Monreal may be going through. If you do the aforementioned suggestions and limit the contact with youe ex-wife to while you are at work and not around Monreal, then she won't go off the deep end. Like you said, everything was fine before your ex-wife moved back into town, now that she is here, Monreal is threatened, insecure and now is having trust issues. Never get upset when she goes into shutdown mode, that is the way a lot of Filipinas act and deal with the problems they don't want to talk about. You probably will never be able to change it, but you can change the environment that causes it. Learn to pick your battles and let the other ones go. Just change when and where you talk to your ex-wife. I bet if you never do it around Monreal again, you'll have a better marriage. Take the immediate threat away from her and don't do it at the home front anymore, trust me, it is better that way and if you really love Monreal, then try to minimize the problems and understand where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it or think she is right or should act that way. A happy wife make for a happy husband. Good luck and take care.

[Caryh 5,206]

My wife, also a filipina, has strong jealousy issues with my ex-wife also. I rarely every talk with or see my ex, but I do drive by her house to pick up my kid. This drives my current wife crazy. Its not my kid being here, its just that I was at my ex's house. I can't say I totally understand it, I know my wife tries to make it not bother her, but she just can't seem to help the reaction. It has gotten slightly better over time. But I have learned I have to make a real effort in every way I can so my wife's subconscious reaction doesn't gain control of her. Your wife was probably a lot better with the situation when your ex lived out of state.

Here is how I see my wife views the situation with my ex. Now that she is back, your wife is seriously afraid your ex is really here to get you back. It seems us guys have no choice in the matter, the women decide who we will go with and the first woman gets dibs. After all she was the mother of your children, so she can get you back because she got you once before. You will go back with your ex for the sake of your children. Your children will one day beg you to go back to their mother. Your children will one day threaten to have no relationship unless you go back to their mother.

I think many filipina have no rational way to deal with these feelings some get about ex spouses. Just look at the Philippines, divorce isn't legal and guys tend to keep a wife and multiple mistresses if they can afford it. You are judged subconsciously as living to that standard. When a couple does split, its not common for the spouse that is gone to stay in contact with their kids. She has no reference point to allow herself to be comfortable with the divorced parents that are both involved with their kids relationship. But she's not a rock, she can learn, just don't expect it to happen fast.

I'm not sure if you've had to deal with the dreaded tampo yet, but you certainly are getting it now. One thing I've learned to do is be very open with my wife and try to reduce how much communication I have to do with my ex. My ex prefers not to talk anyway, so that makes it easier for me. Communication I must have, I try to do via email now, and I let my wife know or even read what was said. I also keep my wife on the cell phone when I pick up my daughter. I use a Bluetooth ear piece when ever I go there, so my wife truly realizes I really don't run into my ex very often. Eventually I expect my wife will get used to this situation and feel more comfortable with it. I've seen some headway already, not a lot but some, but she's only been here 7 months now. Find the ways that will allow your wife to feel more secure in what is going on. I'd go to pretty long lengths to make my wife feel secure, that's why I always have the phone on now when I'm getting my daughter. Actually last time I didn't have her on the phone as my wife was busy at the mall and failed to hear my call. I think after a couple of months of me not even running into my ex, she's beginning to realize there's nothing to worry about in that regard. I'll still keep doing it for however long it takes my wife feel secure though. It took me a while to get a handle on exactly what and where the tampo was coming from, as my wife was never really willing to explain what the problem was, I actually don't think she really understood either, she just knew she was scared and jealous. But together we've slowly learned and we're working on getting her past it.

[B_J 2,752]

As a Filipina, I admit we are kind of really jealous woman...Exes are kind of a big deal to us..I admit that I am a jealous woman. Me and my hubby have 24 year age difference, this is both our first marriage..But he have ex-gf's so I guess I can relate. the thing i can advise, don't talk to your ex-wife secretly because that might cause a problem. Cause for me i would rather know that they are talking in front of me than secretly talking with each other. If you are going to hide it and she found out she might think that you are keeping things from her and there's something going on again with you and your ex. I am not an expert of this but I guess I am a woman who is like your wife. Just tell her how much you love her and you won't get tired of saying that. That whatever connection you have with your ex wife is just nothing and make her feel the assurance that you won't leave her for somebody else. In time she will get tired of being jealous and realize that your ex wife is just a past and she is the present and the future. Good luck and one thing giving up is not an option it's a choice. God bless you and your family

Edited April 23, 2012 by B_J

[aaydrian 479]

...the thing i can advise, don't talk to your ex-wife secretly because that might cause a problem...In time she will get tired of being jealous and realize that your ex wife is just a past and she is the present and the future.

Whoever is saying 'speak to ex at work' needs

For any woman, there is no speaking out of ear shot to an ex, that just intensifies suspicion. What the OP needs to do is talk where his wife can pick up pieces of the convo (no going in another room) & if their is nothing going on, after a while she'll start not caring about those calls. What may be good is communicating only between certain hours (unless there is an emergency) and keep conversations as short as possible.

[Nicoco 26]

I am a Filipina-American, and I don't know if I technically count as a Filipina with the same kind of cultural thinking, but to me, exes are a big deal. Ice used to recieve phone calls from ex gfs, and it drove me up a wall. Probably because I am young, too. Seriously the best thing you can do is prove, over time, that there is nothing between you, by keeping phone calls short, keeping nothing secret, and not meeting the ex if possible. It's going to take a while, like everyone else says, because those things really matter to a girl, especially if she's around my age. I don't find it unreasonable, though.

[Laser1 63]

Whoever is saying 'speak to ex at work' needs

For any woman, there is no speaking out of ear shot to an ex, that just intensifies suspicion. What the OP needs to do is talk where his wife can pick up pieces of the convo (no going in another room) & if their is nothing going on, after a while she'll start not caring about those calls. What may be good is communicating only between certain hours (unless there is an emergency) and keep conversations as short as possible.

That is what says he has been doing - speaking shortly and openly with his ex. It has not been working for him; he is now stuck in a conflict with his wife and ex over his children, so he has to do something different.

Edited April 23, 2012 by Laser1

[Nicoco 26]

That's what says he has been doing. It has not been working for him; he is now stuck in a conflict with his wife and ex over his children, so he has to do something different.

If he were to start hiding it, it would probably be bad if she found out, though.

[Laser1 63]

If he were to start hiding it, it would probably be bad if she found out, though.

It would probably be ok, because it sounds like she is reasonable when his ex-wife is not right there, in her face.

[aaydrian 479]

That is what says he has been doing - speaking shortly and openly with his ex.

Where was this said by the OP?

[actob99 156]

The way your wife is acting is how a lot of Filipina's act with exes. People who are from a different country and never experienced the Filipino culture really don't know what kind of advice to give. Their advice won't be relevant to the Filipino culture. I have had dealings with Filipinas before and the ex thing drives them all crazy. They believe an ex needs to be an ex. Someone else gave advice on talking to your ex-wife on issues about your children while at work, sounds like sound advise and your mother transporting them so you don't see your ex-wife is another piece of sound advice. As hard as it may seem, try to understand what Monreal may be going through. If you do the aforementioned suggestions and limit the contact with youe ex-wife to while you are at work and not around Monreal, then she won't go off the deep end. Like you said, everything was fine before your ex-wife moved back into town, now that she is here, Monreal is threatened, insecure and now is having trust issues. Never get upset when she goes into shutdown mode, that is the way a lot of Filipinas act and deal with the problems they don't want to talk about. You probably will never be able to change it, but you can change the environment that causes it. Learn to pick your battles and let the other ones go. Just change when and where you talk to your ex-wife. I bet if you never do it around Monreal again, you'll have a better marriage. Take the immediate threat away from her and don't do it at the home front anymore, trust me, it is better that way and if you really love Monreal, then try to minimize the problems and understand where she is coming from even if you don't agree with it or think she is right or should act that way. A happy wife make for a happy husband. Good luck and take care.

Excellent advice here and I feel I will be needing it as well. All the above has already started and my fiancee isnt even to the states and married to me yet. I have the same type of relationship with my ex as mentioned above and is strictly for the kids. My fiancee continually calls her my wife and gets upset when she is talked about. I will make sure that we talk about this many times in the near future so she is fully aware what is going to happen when she arrives. I will try and not bring her up as best as possible.

My problem is going to be my youngest is always talking with mom and will contuinue to do so. I can't have him not talk to mom if we are together. ANy sports the kids have, karate at my fathers karate studio, school functions we will have to see each other. What would be the advice there as we have to continue to support our kids in their lives?

In my opinion in the Philippines this is not a huge problem as, typically - definitely not always, the ex is gone and doesn't want anything to do with the kids..

I have seen this many times and the only times I see the ex ever coming back is due to his/her ex hooking up with a foreigner... I had that happen to me once with a previous ex gf. SO maybe this is why they don't know how to deal with this scenario..