Emergency Room Escapades

[blackbettie 0]

I found some more online:

CATS TOYS

An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his #######. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his #######, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.

[gotta love cats!]

SHOCK OF HIS LIFE

An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been severely electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sitting at his computer, visiting some "adult" websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his One Eyed Snake", he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body.

[really? can this be true? I know some people I better warn now... ]

INNER SKELETON

A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

[]

BANG FOR HIS BUCK

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

[D'oh]

NEXT TIME TRY STAPLES

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her #######. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

[this is wrong on so many levels...]

And some medical quotes:

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his ####### which goes to his feet.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

[Melo 1]

Hahahaah!!! Hysterically funny

[Welshcookie 17]

NEXT TIME TRY STAPLES

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her #######. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

good lord........

[Jaylen Brit 0]

lmfho I just KNEW I'd started something with this thread..I love these mad stories..

In the same vein..a joke:

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Welshcookie 17]

[MandR 0]

I hear these stories right from my brother who is an E.R. doc at a major trauma hospital here in South Florida.

The stories he tells me are wild and now I believe how true they are.