Mixed family or blended family advice

[Ann25 4]

I posted here last year about blended family and now, hopefully asking from filipino with the same situation that I had might be able to give advice or comfort.

I have one daughter, he has four, two are grown-ups and live with their own, two are living with us. They are both adopted from Korea and Vietnam age 14 and 11, boy and girl. My daughter use to play with the 11 year old but she always gets what she wants, she only thinks whats best for her. When it comes to food, she gets what she wants and give what she doesn't like to my daughter and my daughter doesn't like it too. She can wear my daughters clothes specially the new ones we bought and that she likes it but my daughter only wears clothes she doesn't like. She always try to demand my daughter and when my daughter couldn't find it or do it, she gets upset.. My daughter just turn 7 years old. She always tell my daughter loser, stupid, eiwww(or how you spell that)and even laugh at her but if my daughter laugh at her, she totally get pissed off like she wanted to punch her. I know there's always two stories but trust me, every time my daughter did something, she pays for the consequence. I always tell her to share and say, that's ok.. It's like my daughter's the one who has to do everything so just no fight... She does something that we don't see and my daughter starts crying and tell us what happened but because we didn't see my daughter gets in trouble. I talk with my daughter and she tells me what happened. When she wanted to know if they could get a snack or whatever it is, she asked my daughter to ask us and even have to ask us many times that my daughter is the one who gets trouble. She even tried hurting my daughter that pissed me off (but yeah, when someone does something wrong here, parents just talk to them)because their father never hurt them, I don't either even how many times I caught her lying, stealing and I guess would be fair enough if she wouldn't hurt my daughter...When her father scolds her, she gets upset that she makes trouble for my daughter. Her father talked to her like many times but not even like 12 hours, she's back. I even have a filipina friend and met her and even didn't like her. How she talks, how she acts, her facial expression. She's KSP. She wanted all the attention to her. And to be honest, my daughter is not close to my husband. I don't know that's why there is no reason for her to be jealous. I always wanted to send my daughter back home and just let her study there, live with my parents (she grew up in Philippines as I was working in Thailand). My daughter always tells me that she wants to go home and that her half-sister said this is not her home and she doesn't like here and they are mean to her. All I ever wanted was for my daughter to be happy, to have family, to have sister or brother since I can't have anymore and she always tells me she likes to have a brother or sister. My relation with my husband has no issue. It's just the kids. I thought because they were accepted and loved in this family, they could do the same to my daughter.

Do you ever have this problem with your family? It's totally killing me.

[Zharren Young 32]

sorry to hear that. luckily i dont have the same situation but i know a few in our pinay group madami. i feel sorry for your daughter though she seem to be the one suffering more.

[sjr09 155]

Spare the rod spoil the child. Today’s mentality, ah the good old days when children respected authority.

[gretchen_darren 67]

I see what you are going through. I have two boys, 12 and 5. Asawa ko and i are expecting a daughter. The boys will be step-brothers to the daughter. WE have been teaching and showing the boys photos, and talking about the baby as if already here including taking the youngest to the ob/gyn visits.

What you are going through needs to be dealt with by your husband. Even though you say it is not affecting your relationship with your husband, it is. Your heart is hurting for your daughter. And being 7, she is just getting into her own. the problem is the older kids are adopted. there is jealousy of the younger daughter because she has you. Her real natural mom. your husband needs to be the dad and set the ground rules. And "grounding" would be appropriate now. My boys know from a young age, I am not afraid to spank them, but I do it with moderation and with talking to them as well. I make sure they understand the punishment and why plus exactly what the punishment is. I do not threaten. I give warnings, then hand out punishment as needed. I am not advising this in your case. From the sounds of it, ground rules have not been set.

I advise you talk with your husband. have him set the ground rules. you take over being a mom to tall of the children. With the husband backing your lead. you have a dynamic of multi cultural family, with adoption on top of it. More then anything, you need to get the record straight with the children. Plus set the record straight as well. If ONE child asks, permit that ONE child, do not give blanket permission for ALL children. I suspect the older children are having the youngest ask because of the adoption issue. Treat all kids equally. enforce rules equally. Change is not going to come easy. And children seem to treat each other the way you are describing naturally.

My best advice, turn off the TV a couple of times, and play Uno, monopoly, life. Spend time making cookies. take them to McDonalds to play, or to mini-golf as a family. This is not going to be an easy road. Sending your daughter home does not solve the problem. removing your daughter will affect you, and make the other girl think she has won. Removing your daughter WILL affect you more and your relationship with your husband more. You need to stop the terror of the girl. If your husband refuses to asset you as the mom of the family. You really need to work on him to get his support. Your family is still not blended. You mentioned his children and your children. there is not thought of our children. Start thinking of her as your daughter, and what you would do to adjust her attitude. then talk with your husband. Maybe taking both girls o the philippines to stay with your parents for a week would change her. I do not know. But it may be a good start. Mainly re-inforce this is ALL of the family's home. If your husband does that, and he puts his foot down on name calling, and abusive behavior things will change. But you both must stand together as parents to ALL of your kids whether you gave birth to them or not.

[A and T 82]

Try some parenting? If they are disrespectful or treat your kid bad how about some punishment?

[Hank_ 9,174]

What does your husband say on this topic? That is the real question of the moment. Does he sit on his duff allowing this all to happen?

[Ann25 4]

Thank you so much for taking time. About the his and mine, I used that one for the everybody to understand easily since I don't want to mention their names. The thing is, we got here last year and all our visa are still in process.. I still don't have SSN and drivers license. So, after school we are stuck in the room and week-ends too. My husband works on saturday and sometimes sundays. I know they are bored or something but there's nothing I can do. I even feel depress just staying home. I have a different life in Philippines and Thailand. I'm more of an outgoing person and not just a stay home one. And staying the whole time at the house drives me crazy how much more hearing them fighting after minutes or hours. It's not an easy road for me too. But this is what I chose to live and no regrets, just little sacrifice. And so with my daughter. She used to play with kids after school (we live in a private school campus) go somewhere with no problems. In here, they don't have friends. Even his daughter have friends but can't play with them. Both of us are having this adjustments too, not only them. They were able to make it with their moms step-daughter. What I thought why they are acting this way because they used to have 50/50 but their mom has alcohol problem and psychology. So now, their dad has the full supervision not unless their moms husband or their oldest sister will be with them. The court just ask her to see a psychologist (did I spell it right) and have an alcohol test just so she can see her kids again but she never did it. Their dad just wanted their safety because their mom did many things already that isn't safe for them. Sometimes, on Saturday, my daughter and I could go to church by bus but when his daughter is here we can't coz he doesnt like them riding the bus. (my husband doesnt like me to ride too but i forced him just so i can go somewhere).. If it's not easy for them us here, it's never easy for us. They had their life like the same except having us but for us, everything, place, food, culture, them..

And I know sending her back to Philippines will never resolve the problem and now I understand more I shouldn't coz then his daughter will think she wins. That's what my husband tells me too. We are a family we will be together no matter what. It's too much for me sometimes and seeing my daughter hurt hurts me more. We just had a family talk, my husband trying to asked them to make things easier here at the house but not even 24 hours, it's back to normal. they tell my daughter stupid so she goes away and cries and both play, laughing, chasing, eating.. they go inside his room and play there.

But maybe time will come when things will be better. Thanks for taking time to read and share your opinion.

[Philwithlove 17]

maybe your husband has friends that can visit you or pick you and the kids to go shopping or visit their place.

You can also search online for filipino community in your area that can be your friends. they might have kids that your daughter can be friends. So she would love to stay and boost her confidence too.Bring your stepkids too everytime you visit other filipinos, they will change sooner or later.

[gretchen_darren 67]

The sad part is you are not driving yet, do not have EAD, and visas are not processed yet. Your husband is causing a unique situation. He needs to be careful himiself. He is having you as a babysitter for his kids. Even though you are married, without your EAD, he can get into trboule because you are replacing a babysitter for his kids. It is a gray area, but you and your husband must be careful in this area.

the harder part you have is the 11 year old and 7 year old, the 14 year old, I am concerned about playing with girls instead of going out to shoot hoop or play basketball, maybe he is playing on the computer or something. The older girl may be wanting to be more grown up by being with the 14 year old, and sees the 7 year old as still a little girl. Being on a private campus, you should have playgrounds, or parks. I know if you are like most filipinas, you avoid the sun. However, get some SPF 50, and go on out. The big thing is to "fix" the girl and boy thing. If they are in the room with the door closed, I would put a stop to it. Also, look at limiting time on the computer. If you are on a private campus, go for walks, see if there are neighbors on the campus. You may get to know others through taking walks.

Yes, being here is much different then the philippines. Taking care of kids here is much different as well. You are much, much, much more involved. In the Philippines, older kids do not like to get into trouble, nor do they like younger kids going to tell on them. there is a different breed and different culture. In the vilage I visited, older kids took care of the younger kids. It was EXPECTED. Your daughter is going through a cultural change. The problem is how long have the other kids been here? How long have they been exposed to america? You mention they have another mom who appears to not care about them. This is also playing a role, and makes the dynamic even more unhappy. This may be where the 11 year old resets you and your daughter. Spend time with the 14 year old and 11 year old. See what they remember of their home countries. chances are they probably remember nothing at all.

Exposing them to other filipino children or family friends will help. they are probably as frustrated as you, but also resent the fact you cannot drive, are a "foreign" mom, and feel abadoned by dad as well as their "mom". I do not envy your family. It is rough to blend a family. But your issues are really difficult. Your husband, I give an effort for trying. but making a family work in your circumstance is going to be hard. he is going to have to start making choices. He is going to have to start looking at his work. If his work is more important then his home, he is going to have to start cutting back at the office. His family needs him. families are not easy. Depending on his job, there may be time to work on weekends, but he must moderate it with time at home as well.

the children may be 14, 11 and 7. but you are dealing with a "freshamn in high school" a 6th grader and a 3rd grader. this is difficult because of schooling. the 6th grader wants to be cool. Her "brother" is cool to her girlfriends. Her younger "sister" is not cool to her friends. The youngest girl is looked upon as a nuisance by the two. the 14 year old, may, just may, look out for her. But he is influenced by the older girl since he has learned to play with her. the problem is the games they play as well. the 7 year old plays different games, learned different games. there is not a computer, psp, wii, xox360, etc in a village. Maybe karaoke. I would say learn what the youngest likes, if you have karaooke let her enjoy it herself, or a playstation, wii with games she can play. Whatever is going on the boys bedroom, needs to be looked into, monitored, and put a stop too. an 11 yearold girl playing with a 14 year old boy can lead to no good. I wish you the best.... I know it is difficult. hearing what you are going through makes asawa ko and I that much more attentive to what is going on in our dynamic as well between the older boys, and the newer kids.

[sunandmoon 450]

He needs to be careful himiself. He is having you as a babysitter for his kids. Even though you are married, without your EAD, he can get into trboule because you are replacing a babysitter for his kids. It is a gray area, but you and your husband must be careful in this area.

[Leatherneck 693]

Thank you so much for taking time. About the his and mine, I used that one for the everybody to understand easily since I don't want to mention their names. The thing is, we got here last year and all our visa are still in process.. I still don't have SSN and drivers license. So, after school we are stuck in the room and week-ends too. My husband works on saturday and sometimes sundays. I know they are bored or something but there's nothing I can do. I even feel depress just staying home. I have a different life in Philippines and Thailand. I'm more of an outgoing person and not just a stay home one. And staying the whole time at the house drives me crazy how much more hearing them fighting after minutes or hours. It's not an easy road for me too. But this is what I chose to live and no regrets, just little sacrifice. And so with my daughter. She used to play with kids after school (we live in a private school campus) go somewhere with no problems. In here, they don't have friends. Even his daughter have friends but can't play with them. Both of us are having this adjustments too, not only them. They were able to make it with their moms step-daughter. What I thought why they are acting this way because they used to have 50/50 but their mom has alcohol problem and psychology. So now, their dad has the full supervision not unless their moms husband or their oldest sister will be with them. The court just ask her to see a psychologist (did I spell it right) and have an alcohol test just so she can see her kids again but she never did it. Their dad just wanted their safety because their mom did many things already that isn't safe for them. Sometimes, on Saturday, my daughter and I could go to church by bus but when his daughter is here we can't coz he doesnt like them riding the bus. (my husband doesnt like me to ride too but i forced him just so i can go somewhere).. If it's not easy for them us here, it's never easy for us. They had their life like the same except having us but for us, everything, place, food, culture, them..

And I know sending her back to Philippines will never resolve the problem and now I understand more I shouldn't coz then his daughter will think she wins. That's what my husband tells me too. We are a family we will be together no matter what. It's too much for me sometimes and seeing my daughter hurt hurts me more. We just had a family talk, my husband trying to asked them to make things easier here at the house but not even 24 hours, it's back to normal. they tell my daughter stupid so she goes away and cries and both play, laughing, chasing, eating.. they go inside his room and play there.

But maybe time will come when things will be better. Thanks for taking time to read and share your opinion.

Here lies the root of the issue, highlighted in the bold text. Your husband is the one that sets the tone, your husband is the one that makes it fully understood to his kids what will be acceptable behavior and how he EXPECTS for your daughter to be treated. I lay the blame solely at his feet - he's the man of the house. Your daughter is not a mere visitor or a short term guest, your husband is as much responsible for your daughters physical and emotional well being as he is for his kids. After being here for a year, this should not even be an issue, your 7 year old should be fully settled in and feeling like she's at home. No one else has said it, but I will, your husband needs to man-up and deal firmly with his 11 year old daughter.

And what is a 14 year boy doing playing with two girls? Guess they don't make 'em like the days of past - at age 14, I had my drivers license and had a job, playing with girls was on my mind, but those girls did not include my sisters.

Your husband is responsible for the behavior of his daughter (both of his kids), a strong parent would not tolerate such, a strong parent would've been all over this from day one. Being here for a year - this should not even be an issue. A strong father does not ask his 11 year old daughter to make things easier. So many folks want to be friends with their kids - rarely does that approach work and only with kids of a certain character. Kids need guidance and discipline, where there are half hearted efforts to address behavioral issues, a child will fill that void with more bad behavior.

Now, the opposite of a strong parent would be what?

[sjr09 155]

Here lies the root of the issue, highlighted in the bold text. Your husband is the one that sets the tone, your husband is the one that makes it fully understood to his kids what will be acceptable behavior and how he EXPECTS for your daughter to be treated. I lay the blame solely at his feet - he's the man of the house. Your daughter is not a mere visitor or a short term guest, your husband is as much responsible for your daughters physical and emotional well being as he is for his kids. After being here for a year, this should not even be an issue, your 7 year old should be fully settled in and feeling like she's at home. No one else has said it, but I will, your husband needs to man-up and deal firmly with his 11 year old daughter.

And what is a 14 year boy doing playing with two girls? Guess they don't make 'em like the days of past - at age 14, I had my drivers license and had a job, playing with girls was on my mind, but those girls did not include my sisters.

Your husband is responsible for the behavior of his daughter (both of his kids), a strong parent would not tolerate such, a strong parent would've been all over this from day one. Being here for a year - this should not even be an issue. A strong father does not ask his 11 year old daughter to make things easier. So many folks want to be friends with their kids - rarely does that approach work and only with kids of a certain character. Kids need guidance and discipline, where there are half hearted efforts to address behavioral issues, a child will fill that void with more bad behavior.

Now, the opposite of a strong parent would be what?

Well I tryed, but I don't think anyone got it?

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__5321302

[Leatherneck 693]

Well I tryed, but I don't think anyone got it?

http://www.visajourn...ost__p__5321302

Yes you did - you were being nice and diplomatic about it, I just let it rip.

[gretchen_darren 67]

it is not the asking. it the lack of discipline. Talk with no action or re-action is just rhetoric until followed through on. There are many, many types of discipline. The problem is when you have no discipline you create the antagonist and bully you are trying to avoid. Kids don't want a friend... they want a parent.

the quesiton is why is the DAD the ONLY one to blame? What about hte step mom? Doesn't she punish and take care of the kids? If she does not do anything and expects the dad to, she is encouraging the problem as much as he is. Step-mom also needs ot start being a mom and handing out discipline. Start putting her foot down on things. Sounds to me like there is stil la dynamic of MOM needs to rule the roost while dad is away. If mom puts down her foot, and dad approves, then things should work. the ting is when they run to dad, they should know that appealing to dad should be a very very tenable issue. Because the punishment could become worse instead of better. Dad can review it privately with mom when appealed to, then they can revise the punishment as they agree to. But in no way do I se ethis all as DAD. I see a woman married to man with kids, who does not fulfill her role as a MOM as well.

the problem is in regard to does the MOM think DAD will overturn her in punishment. Parenting is different in the US. And as such. MOM has a lot to learn on the differences between the Philippines, and USA. the older kids are acting more USA then anything else. However, they are still "minority" races so they will be treated different by other kids if not the parents of those kids. Kids can be so much more tolreant then parents)