sleeping in the same room: daughters returning home w/new American husbands

[chj2012 1]

This is a question about Chinese culture & customs, and to see if there's a Chinese-way to move forward. I recently married a Chinese woman who came to the US on a K-1 visa.

When sons in China get married and return home they are allowed to sleep in the same room and same bed as their spouses.

Daughters are not given this privilege - at least not in the countryside. The only exception is that if the husband of the daughter agrees to live forever at his parents-in-law's home in China. These statements are based on first hand experience with southern China, Guangxi province.

Have you experienced this and is there a Chinese-solution around or through this?

I admire a lot about Chinese culture but I must admit this particular issue was very difficult for us. While it's true that during a short visit we can survive without sleeping together in the same room & bed for a few days, such a concept & request is really quite offensive to me as a guy from the western part of the U.S. where we are generally pretty laid back and where individuals & married couples are sovereign to some extent. So this concept of micro-managing what I am my wife do - even if that micro-management comes from my wife's parents, is both foreign and offensive. I love my wife and from my perspective no one has the right to tell us where & when we can sleep together, not even my wife's parents. So that's my position.

On the other hand my wife needs to and should visit her family. So after some long discussions and work we've decided to stay at their home for two or three days, then to go away, and then to come back.

But my key question is this: Is there a Chinese solution to getting my wife's parents to not care about or comment on whether my wife & I sleep together in the same room and same bed while we visit them?

My socially liberal & independent sister has concluded that the root cause of this religious-type conservative tribal cultural artifact in rural China is directly tied to the Chinese preference for sons over daughters. My wife actually agreed with this assessment.

My wife says she doesn't like having to obey this rule. My wife's mother says she doesn't like it either, but her mother also says there's a possibility her neighbors might cause problems for them if we came there and slept in the same room together at their home. So they're acting out of fear in part.

Is this primarily a rural thing in China? Is it universal in all of rural China? How about the cities?

If a friend were married and came to my home in the U.S. I would give them their room and I would never once think to tell them what to do or not to do in their room. I would think it would be inhospitable and rude were I to tell them what to do & when - as long as they didn't wake me up at 2AM that is.

So anyway in for a penny in for a pound. If there's a Chinese-way to move forward maybe I can move the Chess pieces of this deal to help move things forward so that everyone's happy. Maybe this is the only way for now: 2 or 3 days at her parent's house & then going away & then coming back again.

As a former Mormon I have some sensitivity to people & institutions violating psychologically healthy boundaries and fighting against inappropriate sexual shaming. So that's in the mix as well. I'm still willing to go there and help support my wife so that she can visit her family. At least they aren't forcing her to wear a burqa. But it does feel like entering a time warp to about say 100 years ago.

[hawkeyez 45]

Suck it up. You married into some of the culture. Deal with it and respect it.

You ventured all the way to China to find a bride, I assume for some of this culture.

You could have married an American and got hit with reality like Paul McCartney did.

[Penguin_ie 5,995]

My wife says she doesn't like having to obey this rule. My wife's mother says she doesn't like it either, but her mother also says there's a possibility her neighbors might cause problems for them if we came there and slept in the same room together at their home. So they're acting out of fear in part.

If it is really about the neighbours, leave your stuff in separate rooms so if they come by during the day, they see that. Stay in the same room at night and who but the family living there would know?

[Darnell 8,479]

how much to rent the flat next door ? you two sleep there, then stay with parents during the day . don't like that? buy the flat next door, let parents rent out when you are not there.

[chj2012 1]

Suck it up. You married into some of the culture. Deal with it and respect it.

You ventured all the way to China to find a bride, I assume for some of this culture.

You could have married an American and got hit with reality like Paul McCartney did.

There are admittedly worse and more abusive misogynistic aspects of other cultures besides this one point about rural southern Chinese culture. There's a lot of good things about Chinese culture. At least they don't put women in cloth bags from head to toe (eg: burqas) , and at least they don't circumcise their girls & boys. And they have a very good work ethic and are very devoted to family life. But not everything is perfect. There's apparently a taboo against saying the Emperor has no Clothes though, and IMO you've just exemplified that same taboo to some extent. In this case though the players on the ground seem to be willing to admit that there's a problem, even if they cannot for the moment extract themselves from that part of the play. We'll move forward the best we can as noted.

how much to rent the flat next door ? you two sleep there, then stay with parents during the day . don't like that? buy the flat next door, let parents rent out when you are not there.

Thanks for the note. Reportedly there's no flats for rent in the countryside near her parents home, but we haven't really asked around much yet either. Maybe we could find one to buy. That might be fun actually because the country and farm life in that area is actually quite appealing.

One interesting thing I heard from my wife is that if her parents somehow consider me to be an actual son (via my agreeing to stay there longer term) that we could then sleep together without a problem. So that means there's wiggle room to this whole thing. Maybe when I actually get there and enough rice wine has entered into the stomachs of myself and my father in law things will move forward even more. We'll see.

[dan_ling 6]

I am not sure if the parents really trust your relatonship as you being a foreigner or maybe it is true they may worry about what the neighbors think. But you need to respect the wishes of the parents and they should not loose face with their neighbors as they will live there the rest of their lives and you will only be there a few days. If there is a hotel close by it should be pretty cheap to book a few days there. After a couple of years of marriage then the parents will turst the relationship and will trust in you being a true son-in-law.

My wife's parents were not trusting of our relationship but now love me like a son seeing how well their daughter is being treated here in the US. It is knowing that their daughter is safe and they do not need to worry so much about her.

[chj2012 1]

If it is really about the neighbors, leave your stuff in separate rooms so if they come by during the day, they see that. Stay in the same room at night and who but the family living there would know?

It would be nice if her parents were willing to take that approach. Maybe they will or not. In a nearby big city we'll get to stay with a cousin and be together there without a problem. Also my wife confirmed that in the cities things are more progressive. Going to the countryside really is like going back in time.

I am not sure if the parents really trust your relatonship as you being a foreigner or maybe it is true they may worry about what the neighbors think. But you need to respect the wishes of the parents and they should not loose face with their neighbors as they will live there the rest of their lives and you will only be there a few days. If there is a hotel close by it should be pretty cheap to book a few days there. After a couple of years of marriage then the parents will turst the relationship and will trust in you being a true son-in-law.

My wife's parents were not trusting of our relationship but now love me like a son seeing how well their daughter is being treated here in the US. It is knowing that their daughter is safe and they do not need to worry so much about her.

Yes this sounds reasonable as per the deal where if I were to commit to live there full time then there'd be no problem.

Edited April 20, 2012 by chj2012

[bigdog 376]

I am also former LDS, we visited her family while Pre K-1, stayed in a Hotel near them. Their are more cultural differences we just need to jointly adapt. We could have stayed with her parents in separate rooms, my finance then thought I would be more comfortable staying out of the home. On the return trip as married don't know what we will do, probably stay in Hotel, but her family treats me like a son. Make a plan with your wife and it will go great.

[Darnell 8,479]

imo, to be treated like a son, ya gotta act like a son. Suggest you focus on that, for a bit.

A Chinese son, that is...

[chj2012 1]

Things have progressed a bit. The idea of buying a small room on the property where we could sleep undisturbed has been accepted in principle. Also her father now says that he never really objected in the first place. So perhaps there was some up front misunderstanding and apparently things aren't as black and white as was previously presented.