Why did you decide to settle in the U.S. versus your spouse/fiance(e)'s native country?

[Bec_Dipu 103]

4) I don't like being stared at and it happens a lot when you look pretty different from the billion people around you. Freckles are not a skin disease by the way.

The 2 of you mention several times not fitting in/ clothes fitting/ people staring etc. and you can't seem to get used to it.

We chose to come here because of income ie it would be harder for me to make a living there. However I suffer with feelings of guilt for asking her to leave everything behind and come to a place where people may stare or see her as different. Of course she never brings this up but I know it has to be scary for her.

How did you get over asking your spouse to tolerate what you cannot?

I can tolerate the stares, but that doesn't mean I enjoy them. My husband doesn't like any kind of negative feedback directed my way at all. He's the one who really can't tolerate it.

My husband has never had a problem with people staring and whispering here because there are Indians, Somalians, anything and everything south of the US, Chinese, etc. everywhere. Tons of diversity. It's much easier to blend in when everyone looks different from each other.

I didn't ask my husband to give up everything and move here. I offered to move there and we discussed moving to Bermuda, Australia and Germany as he had promotional opportunities in each place. He chose to move here because he loved it here.

But hey, "How did you get over asking your spouse to tolerate what you cannot?", thanks for making me sound like a massengill who can't deal.

[Ron4 22]

I can tolerate the stares, but that doesn't mean I enjoy them. My husband doesn't like any kind of negative feedback directed my way at all. He's the one who really can't tolerate it.

My husband has never had a problem with people staring and whispering here because there are Indians, Somalians, anything and everything south of the US, Chinese, etc. everywhere. Tons of diversity. It's much easier to blend in when everyone looks different from each other.

I didn't ask my husband to give up everything and move here. I offered to move there and we discussed moving to Bermuda, Australia and Germany as he had promotional opportunities in each place. He chose to move here because he loved it here.

But hey, "How did you get over asking your spouse to tolerate what you cannot?", thanks for making me sound like a massengill who can't deal.

Sorry that's not what I meant.

Just really struggle with guilt of putting someone I love in that position it may end up being no big deal, but I am in a position where I se people get stared at and teased a lot for things that are beyond their control.

And like your husband, it will probably bother me more than her.

[Holliday 4]

Sorry that's not what I meant.

Just really struggle with guilt of putting someone I love in that position it may end up being no big deal, but I am in a position where I se people get stared at and teased a lot for things that are beyond their control.

And like your husband, it will probably bother me more than her.

In response to the bolded part of the above quote... She's also putting herself in that position. It's not you doing it to her. That's important to remember. I'm assuming it's a decision you made together? I also assume she has decided that being with you in your country will make her happier than being in her own country (which she may prefer) without you. So really, the best thing you can do is prove her right, and do everything you can so you'll be happy together.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Holliday

[Mr. Borkström 63]

In response to the bolded part of the above quote... She's also putting herself in that position. It's not you doing it to her. That's important to remember. I'm assuming it's a decision you made together? I also assume she has decided that being with you in your country will make her happier than being in her own country (which she may prefer) without you. So really, the best thing you can do is prove her right, and do everything you can so you'll be happy together.

I agree. (With the exception that I think that I ultimately made the decision.) My wife sometimes feel guilty for making me leave my home, my family, my friends and my country behind. I can totally understand why she feels that way but I keep telling her she shouldn't. She didn't force me to do it, she didn't talk me into it, she didn't hold a gun to my head - I made the choice of my own free will. As much as I can understand how she feels, I just don't see it the same way she does. She sees what I'm leaving behind; I see what I'm gaining. A wonderful wife who loves me dearly. I get to embark on this great opportunity. It's the chance of a lifetime. I have nothing to lose, I have everything to gain. Once I move I hope I can make her understand that and see things more my way and let go of the guilt, cause guilt is not something that's healthy in a relationship.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Mr. Borkström

[titantom 2]

I see what I'm gaining. A wonderful wife who loves me dearly.

Sometimes I think its just as simple as this... You are with someone who truely loves you... I say this, because I am like your wife. (though I am the guy, bringing my fiancee here) As excited as I am for us to start our life together, the last thing in the world I want, is for anyone or anything here to hurt her or crush her spirit. And I think about the transition, acclimation, and what she is leaving behind quite often. I want her to be the happy person she is now. And she does the same thing with me as you do... tells me not to worry about it. But hey, its normal to care and want to protect someone you really love... So its not all bad...

Best of luck to you when you come here...

[Justine+David 218]

David hated his job in IT and I loved my job in the neonatal ICU as a nurse. I would be taking a 50% pay cut if I worked as a nurse in England with a higher living cost as well.

I did end up getting my British nursing license, but we would only live for a couple of years there. Food over there is terrible (too bland for my taste!!)

Now David is finishing up his masters in education and will teach high school physics and he's so excited! Plus teachers makes ####### over there as well...

[Mr. Borkström 63]

Sometimes I think its just as simple as this... You are with someone who truely loves you... I say this, because I am like your wife. (though I am the guy, bringing my fiancee here) As excited as I am for us to start our life together, the last thing in the world I want, is for anyone or anything here to hurt her or crush her spirit. And I think about the transition, acclimation, and what she is leaving behind quite often. I want her to be the happy person she is now. And she does the same thing with me as you do... tells me not to worry about it. But hey, its normal to care and want to protect someone you really love... So its not all bad...

Best of luck to you when you come here...

Thanks man.

I agree with what you say, it is perfectly normal to worry about the well-being of your significant other. That comes with the territory, so to speak. If my wife showed no signs of worrying for my well-being at all, that would be a red flag for me I suppose. So yes, you are right that it is not all bad.

And I am sure that it is going to take time for me to get used to living not only in a new city but a whole new country. I've visited my wife on vacation, but being somewhere on vacation for a limited period of time is not the same as moving to said place and live there. The things you mentioned; the transition, acclimation, what you leave behind. I know my wife will do whatever she cans to help me with those things. So, I really do agree with everything you're saying.

I guess what I was trying to say is that I don't think it's good to focus too much on the negative sides. Help ease with the negative parts but let the emphasis be on the positives. At least that's how I see it.