looking for MENA success stories

[Cathi 5,771]

Hi I was reading your story and felt your pain...MENA..which countries fall in this category? is it all the middle eastern countries? sorry, never heard of this before until now...I wanted to share my story...My husband and I are 12 years apart, and I am older then him..we both have been married before, divorced now and no kids...I met him for the first time back in April of 2011, we married September of the same year, I went to visit my husband this past January, and we are now waiting for the NOA2..we have been in previous marriages where our ex-spouses cheated on us both..and why our marriages ended..but we are truely in love, we always tell each other that God has blessed us both and now we are praying to be together soon, and start our family...I am able to have kids and I'm 42 years of age, my husband is 31..keep the faith...and don't give up...I wish you and your husband the best...and as we wait, we hope we don't get a RFE, or our age difference will hold up our process...thanks, RBM

We have a similar story. I wosh you and your new husband the best of luck. I wasn't asked for any RFE thank goodness!!!

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Hi I was reading your story and felt your pain...MENA..which countries fall in this category? is it all the middle eastern countries? sorry, never heard of this before until now...I wanted to share my story...My husband and I are 12 years apart, and I am older then him..we both have been married before, divorced now and no kids...I met him for the first time back in April of 2011, we married September of the same year, I went to visit my husband this past January, and we are now waiting for the NOA2..we have been in previous marriages where our ex-spouses cheated on us both..and why our marriages ended..but we are truely in love, we always tell each other that God has blessed us both and now we are praying to be together soon, and start our family...I am able to have kids and I'm 42 years of age, my husband is 31..keep the faith...and don't give up...I wish you and your husband the best...and as we wait, we hope we don't get a RFE, or our age difference will hold up our process...thanks, RBM

Good luck with your Visa....

MENA is Middle Eastern / North African Countries

[Love To Teach 161]

Just curious if anyone who has married a younger MENA man has a happy ending? All of the topics seem to only be about tragic relationships. I know it's good to be cautious, but like in any society or culture there are scum bags. In fact in the US there seems to be an over abundance of men who abuse, mistreat and cheat in their wives. I love my husband, and he loves me. I can't wait until the day he sets foot on American soil. I have been to Jordan to see him 3 times in the last 6 months, 3 months living with he and his family. And you can bet you bottom dollar I will be at that embassy in Amman by his side the day he has his interview!!!

Hi--I DO wish you luck!!! I am only going to give you facts, not opinion. You can make your own judgements. These are couples with MENA husband of which I have some knowledge:

1. Couple 1--My ex and me...He is from MENA country, age difference 25+ years, different education levels, he has wonderful sweet family, visited 3 times for total of about 3 months. Never saw any abusive behavior while visiting or online, etc. When he arrived, he totally changed--became verbally abusive, threw things and broke things. We separated many times, I always took him back, finally gave up. I had never been in an abusive relationship before and always felt like I was walking on eggs. I got the blame for everything and cried all the time(I'm not a crier.) Strangely enough, we are now friends and do things together. I think he was actually jealous of my success and paycheck. He never wanted a divorce. And, yes, there were absolutely no signs he was really like that before we married. I have analyzed all of it to death, and it just comes to the fact that we were too different and he couldn't love me like I needed to be loved. Plus, I hate fighting and won't tolerate violence.

2. Couple 2--She was 25+ years older. He was all about money. She got tired of taking care of a "teenager." now divorced.

3. Couple 3--Probably about 15 years age difference. He always was a liar and cheat. She got tired of it. Now divorced.

4. Couple 4--Only about 3 years age difference. He treats her badly, won't call her when he's out, has had online affairs, and more that I won't reveal here. Still married, but she stays sick from stress. BTW, his greencard might come soon.

5. Couple 5--Not much age difference, live down south, doing well.

6. Couple 6--25+ age difference, seemed to get along great until she found texts/calls on his phone to another woman that had been going on for 6 months. He is quiet type, so this quite surprised her. Hopefully, he has learned his lesson, but she doesn't trust him so much any more. However, he drinks every night, which worries her. But they are still married.

7. Couple 7--Not much age difference, don't know them well, but she did say once she got mad and threw a computer at him. They are still married.

8. Couple 8--Not much age difference, live far across US, don't keep up with them anymore, but they are still married.

9. couple 9--She is debating going back overseas to marry him, even though he left the side of her face black from slugging her.

10. Couple 10--Age difference of about 10 years. They are divorced now.

11. Couple 11--About 15 year age difference, now divorced.

12. Couple 12--He has divorced, remarried, she converted to Islam. They have only been married a short time.

13. Couple 13--He has been indicted for tax fraud in the business he owns. Married to US citizen while here, with him being somewhat older.

14. Couple 14--Engaged to Moroccan woman, waiting to bring her over here.

If you figured the percentage of success, it's not so good.

Observations during interactions, such as soccer games, personal experience: talk loudly on the phone and in groups (which makes people stare..lol), more aggressive in sports than other teams, often treat their own fellow men worse than Americans, BUT will help them when needed, very jealous nature--jealous of other men with their wives and jealous of what other MENA men have, change jobs frequently, move frequently, usually side with the man in an argument, often blame women for their problems, seem to move on easily to the next place, issue, etc. OK, YES THESE ARE OPINIONS, BUT YOU ASKED AND I OFFERED. These are only MY experiences, so don't think I am judging all MENA men. Everybody has different experiences. Most of these men are not educated and had little money back home, so that probably plays into all this. I know in my heart I tried and tried and that he loved me the best he could, but in the end, I gave up for sanity's sake.

*****I know everybody has a different story, so I would appreciate your not judging me and hurling insults at me. I'm just stating my experience and knowledge, not anybody else's. I would have loved to had my marriage to him work out, but in the end, I had to save myself. Some of these seem to be obvious green card marriages, some not. But there are IN FACT, tons of cybercafes in MENA countries with men trolling for women to "save them." If you don't believe this, then you haven't traveled to a particular MENA country. There are so many young men, and so very few jobs that often many have too much time on their hands. It's a sad fact, but true. And I have heard from most of these men that women there are looking for men with money, but who could blame those women?

Anyway, good luck to you. I truly hope it works out. I'm taking a chance on another guy, so I still have faith in love and mankind. KEEP THE FAITH AND GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU...

PS--My new friend is older, divorced with older kids, has his own business, mature, supportive, pays his own way, never jealous. But, as with all relationships, time will tell.

Edited April 22, 2012 by SJ's Fiance

[Cathi 5,771]

Hi--I DO wish you luck!!! I am only going to give you facts, not opinion. You can make your own judgements. These are couples with MENA husband of which I have some knowledge:

1. Couple 1--My ex and me...He is from MENA country, age difference 25+ years, different education levels, he has wonderful sweet family, visited 3 times for total of about 3 months. Never saw any abusive behavior while visiting or online, etc. When he arrived, he totally changed--became verbally abusive, threw things and broke things. We separated many times, I always took him back, finally gave up. I had never been in an abusive relationship before and always felt like I was walking on eggs. I got the blame for everything and cried all the time(I'm not a crier.) Strangely enough, we are now friends and do things together. I think he was actually jealous of my success and paycheck. He never wanted a divorce. And, yes, there were absolutely no signs he was really like that before we married. I have analyzed all of it to death, and it just comes to the fact that we were too different and he couldn't love me like I needed to be loved. Plus, I hate fighting and won't tolerate violence.

2. Couple 2--She was 25+ years older. He was all about money. She got tired of taking care of a "teenager." now divorced.

3. Couple 3--Probably about 15 years age difference. He always was a liar and cheat. She got tired of it. Now divorced.

4. Couple 4--Only about 3 years age difference. He treats her badly, won't call her when he's out, has had online affairs, and more that I won't reveal here. Still married, but she stays sick from stress. BTW, his greencard might come soon.

5. Couple 5--Not much age difference, live down south, doing well.

6. Couple 6--25+ age difference, seemed to get along great until she found texts/calls on his phone to another woman that had been going on for 6 months. He is quiet type, so this quite surprised her. Hopefully, he has learned his lesson, but she doesn't trust him so much any more. However, he drinks every night, which worries her. But they are still married.

7. Couple 7--Not much age difference, don't know them well, but she did say once she got mad and threw a computer at him. They are still married.

8. Couple 8--Not much age difference, live far across US, don't keep up with them anymore, but they are still married.

9. couple 9--She is debating going back overseas to marry him, even though he left the side of her face black from slugging her.

10. Couple 10--Age difference of about 10 years. They are divorced now.

11. Couple 11--About 15 year age difference, now divorced.

12. Couple 12--He has divorced, remarried, she converted to Islam. They have only been married a short time.

13. Couple 13--He has been indicted for tax fraud in the business he owns. Married to US citizen while here, with him being somewhat older.

14. Couple 14--Engaged to Moroccan woman, waiting to bring her over here.

If you figured the percentage of success, it's not so good.

Observations during interactions, such as soccer games, personal experience: talk loudly on the phone and in groups (which makes people stare..lol), more aggressive in sports than other teams, often treat their own fellow men worse than Americans, BUT will help them when needed, very jealous nature--jealous of other men with their wives and jealous of what other MENA men have, change jobs frequently, move frequently, usually side with the man in an argument, often blame women for their problems, seem to move on easily to the next place, issue, etc. OK, YES THESE ARE OPINIONS, BUT YOU ASKED AND I OFFERED. These are only MY experiences, so don't think I am judging all MENA men. Everybody has different experiences. Most of these men are not educated and had little money back home, so that probably plays into all this. I know in my heart I tried and tried and that he loved me the best he could, but in the end, I gave up for sanity's sake.

*****I know everybody has a different story, so I would appreciate your not judging me and hurling insults at me. I'm just stating my experience and knowledge, not anybody else's. I would have loved to had my marriage to him work out, but in the end, I had to save myself. Some of these seem to be obvious green card marriages, some not. But there are IN FACT, tons of cybercafes in MENA countries with men trolling for women to "save them." If you don't believe this, then you haven't traveled to a particular MENA country. There are so many young men, and so very few jobs that often many have too much time on their hands. It's a sad fact, but true. And I have heard from most of these men that women there are looking for men with money, but who could blame those women?

Anyway, good luck to you. I truly hope it works out. I'm taking a chance on another guy, so I still have faith in love and mankind. KEEP THE FAITH AND GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU...

PS--My new friend is older, divorced with older kids, has his own business, mature, supportive, pays his own way, never jealous. But, as with all relationships, time will tell.

My husband and I have same education level, we both have bachelors. All of his brothers and sisters are well educated, bachelors and beyond(there are 8 of them). His Mom and Dad are wealthy and money isn't an issue at al,l they live in an affluent part of Amman. My husband already has a few leads for jobs once he gets here, and he is looking forward to getting here and getting things in motion on the job front.

I appreciate that you took the time to reply, there are a lot of factors to consider. We both know it will be hard but we are in it for the long haul. And I like the part where you spoke about people hurling insults, as you can see from replies to my post some people have been pretty nasty to me when there is really no reason for it. They have put me on the defense when all I was asking for was to hear from people with similar stories, good, bad or indifferent.

[Staashi 371]

My husband and I have same education level, we both have bachelors. All of his brothers and sisters are well educated, bachelors and beyond(there are 8 of them). His Mom and Dad are wealthy and money isn't an issue at al,l they live in an affluent part of Amman. My husband already has a few leads for jobs once he gets here, and he is looking forward to getting here and getting things in motion on the job front.

I appreciate that you took the time to reply, there are a lot of factors to consider. We both know it will be hard but we are in it for the long haul. And I like the part where you spoke about people hurling insults, as you can see from replies to my post some people have been pretty nasty to me when there is really no reason for it. They have put me on the defense when all I was asking for was to hear from people with similar stories, good, bad or indifferent.

Sister,.no one is trying to put you on the defense. I think what we're trying to do is make you keenly aware that craziness abounds in MENA, fraud abounds, and to take everything with a grain of salt...actually, two grains. Be smart, be vigilant and be prepared. Nobody wants you to get crapped on...I can honestly say that we all have your best interest at heart.

For those of us that have been around these boards for years, we've seen everything. Hell, one if my favorite stories was the time that the CO brought the wife in to the embassy to tell her that the reason for the denial was that her husband already had two wives and children! Who had been presented to her as nieces and nephews. Yes, true story....my personal fave!

You two might be drama free, but just know that yours is a totally uphill battle and the COs will look at your age situation with a very leery eye.

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Sister,.no one is trying to put you on the defense. I think what we're trying to do is make you keenly aware that craziness abounds in MENA, fraud abounds, and to take everything with a grain of salt...actually, two grains. Be smart, be vigilant and be prepared. Nobody wants you to get crapped on...I can honestly say that we all have your best interest at heart.

For those of us that have been around these boards for years, we've seen everything. Hell, one if my favorite stories was the time that the CO brought the wife in to the embassy to tell her that the reason for the denial was that her husband already had two wives and children! Who had been presented to her as nieces and nephews. Yes, true story....my personal fave!

You two might be drama free, but just know that yours is a totally uphill battle and the COs will look at your age situation with a very leery eye.

True!!! Staashi, you are so right as usual!!!

[Cathi 5,771]

Sister,.no one is trying to put you on the defense. I think what we're trying to do is make you keenly aware that craziness abounds in MENA, fraud abounds, and to take everything with a grain of salt...actually, two grains. Be smart, be vigilant and be prepared. Nobody wants you to get crapped on...I can honestly say that we all have your best interest at heart.

For those of us that have been around these boards for years, we've seen everything. Hell, one if my favorite stories was the time that the CO brought the wife in to the embassy to tell her that the reason for the denial was that her husband already had two wives and children! Who had been presented to her as nieces and nephews. Yes, true story....my personal fave!

You two might be drama free, but just know that yours is a totally uphill battle and the COs will look at your age situation with a very leery eye.

I wasn't talking about people who shared their stories. I was talking about the people who had to put their 2 cents in merely because I said Inshallah, and was accused of trying to conform. Not really quite sure why people feel the need to be nasty. And I know how the CO will see it and it really scares the ####### out of me. Now if the NVC would get their acts together and send my IV bill so we can get the interview scheduled I would be a happy camper

[sandinista! 1,816]

It's an Internet board, not everyone is going to like every little thing you do or say. Take what's helpful to heart, ignore the rest. Regardless of where you and Betsy may disagree on random Arabic phrases and your use of them, she did make some points that are good for you to think about and consider.

[msheesha 548]

I wasn't talking about people who shared their stories. I was talking about the people who had to put their 2 cents in merely because I said Inshallah, and was accused of trying to conform. Not really quite sure why people feel the need to be nasty. And I know how the CO will see it and it really scares the ####### out of me. Now if the NVC would get their acts together and send my IV bill so we can get the interview scheduled I would be a happy camper

Here is my take on why that issue is important. I could be 100% wrong, but here's what I think on the topic - when a person, man or woman, is overly eager to quickly incorporate another's culture into their every day life, it speaks to a need for excitement, exoticizing their SO, which in turn could lead one to overlook or be blind to issues of concern. When people misuse these terms, (ex- thinking Insha Allah means God Bless rather than God Willing, etc), it speaks even more to jumping in without the necessary knowledge. For me, that makes the issue prevalent and one of concern - not just the behavior, but what the behaviors could mean about the overall process.

Edited April 23, 2012 by msheesha

[msheesha 548]

**relevant, not prevalent...

[Cathi 5,771]

Thank everyone for your advice, it is very much appreciated. Right my my case is stuck at the NVC awaiting the IV bill. They changed the fees and their computers haven't been able to spit out my invoice. It's been 3 weeks and I'm trying to be patient.

[Nasturtium 500]

Adding-

I'm a couple years older than my husband and we just spent our 5th anniversary together at Cannon Beach, checking out tidepools. He's been in the US for 5 years now, and we very much enjoy our lives together.

Checking out tide pools= your lack of backbone. Your association with various sea invertebrates is surely to your own doom.

[Nasturtium 500]

I realize this is arbitrary and random, and not even remotely fair, but with certain people, in certain situations, it's annoying, and other times it isn't. It depends on the person and the context, and more often than not on VJ it just reads contrived and corny.

That being said, 5 years later my brother will still say "what are doing?" when greeting my husband-when Ahmed first moved here, that's how he said what's up

LOL!

[Cathi 5,771]

Checking out tide pools= your lack of backbone. Your association with various sea invertebrates is surely to your own doom.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nasturtium 500]

I don't want to be negative for the sake of being smug or any of that. But. The fact remains, there's more to "it" and MENA marriages dissolving, etc. than "in any culture there are dirtbags". It's true, bad guys can come from anywhere, but there are also a lot of factors to take into account re culture, religion and so on in regards to compatibility and good fits, marriage wise, for Americans who marry someone from MENA. I don't care for generalizations at all. But I honestly believe it's really, really important to not only really know and understand the man you're marrying and his family, but understand the hows and whys of the place he has grown up and been formed in. I have just seen, in my experience, a more in depth understanding of these circumstances by the people I know who have long standing and successful marriages than just a "good and bad people can come from anywhere" approach. It has to go a lot deeper than that. And no, extended vacations with a guy and his family in his country aren't the end all be all

either. They are extended vacations. They are not 100% insurance against life being really hard or even impossible together once the grind and realities of life together in the US starts anyways. There's just been a lot of people here in the past who rested on their laurels of spending long vacations together only to find some real shocking stuff once everyone was in the US.

I agree with this 100%.

Real life and extended vacations are vastly different. Getting along with someone for 6 months while on vacation (no work, no responsibilities, etc.) is much easier than living day to day life. Especially when the immigrant is limited in their independence, work history in the US, and general ability to adjust to new surroundings. Some people (like myself) think/thought...piece of cake. No, it's not a piece of cake. At all. Even if you psych yourself out for real life together, it's not even half of what you imagine. I think that has a lot to do with the break downs of some marriages. Not just because they are from MENA but because they are an immigrant, in general. You may have personalities that mesh well when on vacation or in a long distance relationship and then when you live together 24/7 you pick up on things that you didn't notice before. Anyways, what I'm saying is don't be too confident about how awesome things are on vacation. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything. I firmly believe that the guys that end up to be scumbags were always scumbags but it was ignored while the couple was courting. Lust, infatuation, excitement of a new relationship, etc. always makes one blind to reality.

Yes to these and to add-- I think you cannot deny there will be cultural differences, and culture/socialization can play a huge role (possibly bigger role) than religion-- but also consider personality. Someone who is shy in their culture will likely continue being shy here. Someone who is naturally an extrovert will eventually become extroverted here. This is what I meant in another thread about being able to actually get along with someone. Some people have it in their personality to never compromise, or to be sneaky, etc. It's just something to watch for and take note of-- if you actually have someone whose personality you like, the base personality. That takes a lot of years to tease out though from culture and even then you may never really get it to separate.

And yes to the extended vacations. Some people think that spending a few weeks or months somewhere=living there. That's an extended vacation. Even if you were working and renting a place-- then it is a work vacation. For example, I tell people I worked in Jordan for 2 summer field seasons-- but I never lived there. I had a job, I showed up there every day, I did my thing-- but it certainly was not putting down roots. I was not a resident. I did not have a resident visa even. I had a temporary work visa. That's not living. There was still vacation glow present.

Good luck! Looking at other relationships really only gets you so far, unfortunately. There aren't a whole lot of successes on this particular board for that kind of gap.

Edited April 24, 2012 by julianna