Irritated with American attitudes when ending a marriage

[MyJourney1 15]

I would have to say it's probably more "spite for the ex". No person with any brain cell is going to go through this process unless they really, really care about someone. Unless the usc is getting paid and doing it illegally and I would doubt they give a squat enough to put a post up about it. If my husband did that to me, I'd be saying a heck of a lot more than "can i send him back?" lol Broken hearts say crazy things sometimes..us americans aren't so bad.

Thank you, Trojam227!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

People don't "just become" manipulative or scheming for immigration processes. They give you cues along the way and either you are clueless or you chose to ignore what they are saying. It's a case of "what did they say/do" vs. "what did you hear or see/ what did you want to hear/see".

Ty Ryan...posting from phone and couldn't get to that forum.

I couldn't agree with you more

[AmyWrites 593]

I'll say the controversial thing here but IMO a lot of these failed relationships... they rushed into things. They ignored red flags. They spent only a short amount of time together. Our relationships are still relationships even if we're in different countries, in person, would it be reasonable to marry someone you spent a week with, and from a different culture? No. How do some people here find it reasonable? So how are the USCs surprised when things don't work out well? Look, in some cultures, cheating is expected, men are controlling, women jealous, etc. These are the type of things it takes time to find out, time TOGETHER in person. I'm Latin, so when I read some of the problems USCs here have with their Latin partners, I think, "Um, yeah, that's normal for us, you're the one acting weird in our opinion, etc". In our relationships we really need to do as much as possible to learn about each other before giving so much time, money, and emotional investment in this visa process. IMO it's very easy to idealize someone when the majority of your contact has been on Skype or something.

Of course, maybe it's different for other folks, and thankfully most relationships at least here on VJ seem successful. But I also don't understand many (of course cases of abuse or cheating don't count) where folks want to deport their partners for things that could've just happened in any relationship.

Edited April 16, 2012 by AmyWrites

[Rob & Monika 87]

That's why relationships should be built on not only "Love", but also "Trust".

Love fades, trust can be broken. Commitment is what makes it work. It has little do to with immigration, you can "send them back" to wherever they came from, even if its just across town. I think there is one question you can ask a fiance before marriage that may help determine whether it is worth doing. "How long do you think we will last as a couple in this age of divorce?" If they dance around the answer, forget marriage. My first wife would say something like "We don't know what the future holds", or "I don't know if we will last forever", or even "I hope we make it". The attitude of "if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't" is doomed to fail, when things weren't working well, she left. However I would also be wary of someone (especially foreign) smooth talking the subject with "Oh baby we will last forever". I would look for something like "I am making this choice to spend my life with you, and I will do what it takes to make it last forever". There is too much of this attitude of trying the shoe on before buying it, when the shoes gets (old/worn out/not the latest style) get rid of it. It's not just Americans, much of the modern world is like that.

[Alaskan 10]

I agree with the OP. Obviously fraud cases are quite different and should be treated so, but in genuine cases the beneficiary has probably also made some pretty hefty sacrifices to be with their loved one in the US. I know that I have and I would do it again in a heartbeat because I love my husband and I love our new life together. I know that he would never 'punish' me by threatening to send me back - if he were that sort of man I would not have come in the first place!

Word!

[Alaskan 10]

Someone mentioned before that America is the best country in the world to its citizens, well I agree 100% because for me (beneficiary) it's not! Ok maybe I am not coming from the 3rd world country, I have a pretty good job and I am happy where I am. I have never dreamt of living in the USA and I would never think of moving there if I didn't fall in love.Having said that, once I leave everything behind, move and start a new life with my fiance (husband) I am hoping for it to be a change for good. I am sure things will work out but if they didn't obviously I wouldn't like to be sent back home cause the truth is, once I leave I have nothing really to come back to. This is a huge change in our lives and we are not moving overseas for a trial! We move because we are pretty convinced that this is what we want and the person we move to is someone we want to spend our lives with.

We can only assume that people here always write the truth about what has really happened. In my opinion it's not only beneficiaries that cheat, lie and do stuff behind USC's back. On the internet you can write whatever you want and put yourself in a good light while looking for an advice how to get rid of someone. I am quite sure that everyone would believe the USC because we are just "foreigners who want to get a visa and live the American dream"...Well think twice! I am sure for many of us moving over there will be the hardest thing we've ever done. I am sure it's ll worth it but if something doesn't work out, I want to be able to go on with my life where I will be, without having to go through the hell of moving back and starting my life from scratch...

Agree!

[jay21 10]

I'll say the controversial thing here but IMO a lot of these failed relationships... they rushed into things. They ignored red flags. They spent only a short amount of time together. Our relationships are still relationships even if we're in different countries, in person, would it be reasonable to marry someone you spent a week with, and from a different culture? No. How do some people here find it reasonable? So how are the USCs surprised when things don't work out well? Look, in some cultures, cheating is expected, men are controlling, women jealous, etc. These are the type of things it takes time to find out, time TOGETHER in person. I'm Latin, so when I read some of the problems USCs here have with their Latin partners, I think, "Um, yeah, that's normal for us, you're the one acting weird in our opinion, etc". In our relationships we really need to do as much as possible to learn about each other before giving so much time, money, and emotional investment in this visa process. IMO it's very easy to idealize someone when the majority of your contact has been on Skype or something.

Of course, maybe it's different for other folks, and thankfully most relationships at least here on VJ seem successful. But I also don't understand many (of course cases of abuse or cheating don't count) where folks want to deport their partners for things that could've just happened in any relationship.

Well said. There's so many cases around here of people who only saw each other once or twice, then decided they were the love of their lives and rushed into a marriage, just to found out that it wasn't what they were expecting or worse, the person was just using them. NO ONE changes in a month, a week or a few days! Unfortunately, you just look past the red flags.

Do I agree with sending them back? Yes I do, although no one is innocent in this situation. We are responsible for our own actions. Someone said here that there's a lot of creepy middle aged people around that marries 19 year old third country girls, then complain that they cheated or used them for GC. How can you expect that this type of relationship is a real relationship to begin with?

[MyJourney1 15]

I AM IRRITATED WITH AMERICANS WHO DON'T PAY TAXES BECAUSE OF RELIGIOUS SECT.!!!

(and not only do they not have to pay, but we foot the bill for their medicaid, food stamps..even Pampers for the 12 kids they have!)

(i do feel really horrible for anyone here who goes through a split-up/divorce related to immigration)

LOL!!!!

Edited April 16, 2012 by MyJourney1

[FinallyDone:) 10]

In my opinion: who wouldnt be upset if they have been used. its all natural for any person to feel this way after everything they have gone thru just to find out later that you were been used. Many stories Ive read intel of the USC been abused or mistreated. if they treated 1 USC they way then what makes you think they will treat another this way again. not to mention that fact the many of us have jump thru hoops to try and make their transition comfort to the states. I do not know if you can tell prior to the USCIS process if you are being scammed but I personally am witnessing this currently as we speak with my brother in law and his "gf". after "giving her a rav 4 (2010)" they were supposed to get married. she came up with every excuse in the book as to why she didnt wanna get married to him. partly because he is 29 and she is 20. but long story short he started acting like he cares about her now just to get married. he told everyone that she isnt his type and she is just a gf for his papers. me being the person i am i told the female. but she is retarded and doesnt listen. they are due to be married in a few weeks. So with that being said. I am sure she will be joing VJ and asking how she can send him back to colombia. Hell I asked myself the same question how can i send my bro in law back to colombia because he is using this poor girl. but like i said earlier no one can tell if you are blinded by their charm and lies.

[FinallyDone:) 10]

I really appreciate that you posted this! I've said more than once in posts that a spouse cannot be returned like a sweater... regardless of how a marriage ended, we're talking about living breathing people with rights. I don't understand why USC's feel the urge to kick them out of the country as punishment. Obviously, there are exceptions, but for the most part, people that come from foreign countries should not be treated like goods that can be traded.

I def agree with you on this.

[Olomi_811 130]

This is not specifically for the people who have been used. It is moreso about people who look for ways to cry foul and be vindictive after the relationship failed. When the union ends there is shared fault. People like pointing the finger, never realizing the role they played and thus repeating the same mistakes with the next person.

[Robert&Karen 264]

We have a commercial on the radio here that says, "Life is short...have an affair!" Then it directs you to a website to find others who are looing for the same thing. I think it is terrible enough to do that but to advertise and encourage it? Not for me!

[trojam227 18]

LOL!!!!

LOL!! Sorry..I know it's off topic, but I had to sign a sworn affidavit that My Husband is not allowed to receive assistance from My Govt. that I have paid taxes into for 20 years (without them coming after me for the money) but these people can get away with mass procreation on our tax dollars! I conduct my household as a "single" parent with 3 children and "make too much money" for any assistance. Us usc's are penalized for working unless of course you are making minimum wage or less. That poverty guideline is a bunch of bull also..I'd like to see a family of 5 in NY be able to survive on $27,010! My property & school tax are $10,000. alone!

[FinallyDone:) 10]

This is not specifically for the people who have been used. It is moreso about people who look for ways to cry foul and be vindictive after the relationship failed. When the union ends there is shared fault. People like pointing the finger, never realizing the role they played and thus repeating the same mistakes with the next person.

this is so true.

[Peter_Pan 661]

LOL!! Sorry..I know it's off topic, but I had to sign a sworn affidavit that My Husband is not allowed to receive assistance from My Govt. that I have paid taxes into for 20 years (without them coming after me for the money) but these people can get away with mass procreation on our tax dollars! I conduct my household as a "single" parent with 3 children and "make too much money" for any assistance. Us usc's are penalized for working unless of course you are making minimum wage or less. That poverty guideline is a bunch of bull also..I'd like to see a family of 5 in NY be able to survive on $27,010! My property & school tax are $10,000. alone!

Time to start your own religion, in which work is forbidden and sex must be had at least 5 times a week. I'd convert to that!

This is not specifically for the people who have been used. It is moreso about people who look for ways to cry foul and be vindictive after the relationship failed. When the union ends there is shared fault. People like pointing the finger, never realizing the role they played and thus repeating the same mistakes with the next person.

Aye, those are the irritating cases.