Irritated with American attitudes when ending a marriage

[unlockingsky 94]

A petitioner should treat this process as though there was not a "return to sender" option. It's not fair to look at your role in this journey from a position of leverage and power. People mention the heart of the USC; it's bad enough that USCIS paperwork refer to people as ALIENS (hubby really took offense to that), but to have the frame of mind that only the USC has a heart implies that you believe your worth is more.

When the relationship is USC & USC the issue of returning them is null. Can you truly say the hurt is greater when the person is from another country or is your mentality that you believe you've paid for this person so they owe you?

every system has its fatal flaws. my wishes are for people to stop abusing and JAMMING UP OUR LINE! and please stop oppressing other people.

i am greatful for my wife always being faithful and truthful since we first met. people need to learn to appreciate things in their life.

[tabel 8]

Amen. This is not a game. These are huma beings who deserve to be loved just like anyone else. There are horrible men & women in every other country just like the U.S. but does that make them less because they are not U.S. Citizens? Come On! I have learned so much from my fiance. He is smart, intelligent, loving, kind, God fearing, romantic, beautiful, & the list goes on. It took me to meet someone thousands of miles away to know how as a woman I am suppose to be treated. So can you send them back...ummmmm, no...I want to say you said: Your spouse is not an expensive shirt that you tuck the tag in, wear for a night, and return the next day.Know what you want, know who you are, and know who you are marrying before you dive into visa waters.....I agree whole heartedly!!!

Nothing irks me more than seeing "CAN I SEND THEM BACK?" or some variation of this. I admit with all the fees you pay the immigration process can feel like modern day slave trade. Know what you want, know who you are, and know who you are marrying before you dive into visa waters. Yes, some of our significant others come from economically struggling countries and others whose countries fair far better than the US. Your spouse is not an expensive shirt that you tuck the tag in, wear for a night, and return the next day. My husband is fine where he is and it touches me to hear him pray for the betterment of his country and the people. Our spouses are perfectly capable of sustaining themselves in their home country. If you examine the circumstances the quality of life may be somewhat advanced in the US, but the quantity you pay is the same. Your spouse's life is changed as well as their family's. Some of them endure ridicule and negativity, because they married you and not a fellow countryman.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I am usually the local banner carrier for warning USC's that are marrying Nigerians to be careful. Why ? Because I have knowledge of the things they will do to come to the US. I know that many see a USC as an a stepping stone to a better life. I have also seem people that I am close to blindly insist that their relationship is different even when the Nigerian all but waves a Nigerian wife in the USC's face. Add to that, the cultural differences are huge. I have heard of so many things that are just beyond the thought process of the normal USC. I think there should be a clearer path to prevent/investigate fraud. Maybe if it is reported/suspected that both parties submit to a lie detector. I think that too few get depoerted for immigration fraud. I also know that nearly every failed Nigerian/USC marriage the fraud card is thrown out. Many USC's think throwing the fraud card absolves them from any wrong doing in the relationship. Usually at the end of the relationship there is her story, his story and the truth. Her story is she was used, his story is she was crazy / cheated and the truth is somewhere else.

[Pinoylover 6]

Yes because, not only have the US Citizen sacrificed their time and money, of which is not cheap, but they've also sacrificed their "Heart". When you love someone, you are dedicating your heart; entrusting this person with it. So, when a US Citizen puts his/her "All" into bring the love of their life to the USA; just to find out their foreign spouse used them, that's not only a waste of time, but it's also a waste of their "Precious Heart". That is very "heart-breaking" in the worse way ever to be used by someone with another "Agenda" after you have given your heart too them completely.

So true what you said Myjourney because it has happen to me! But i bounced back from it and learned alot from the first time and not to make the same mistakes twice. Wish everyone was honest and true but this is the real world!

[Zee Bee 61]

I think part of it is entitlement. The USC is the reason that the foreign beneficiary is coming so if the relationship does not work out the USC feels entitled to send their SO back.

I don't think its right, but this may be where it comes from.

[R&RM 11]

I think it's complicated. It is very unfortunate that there are scammers out there and I don't think it is that simple to just figure out who's who. I agree that especially when the petitioner is a woman, there are a lot of men who perfectly capable of acting like your dream man all the while feeling nothing for you. Though some female beneficiaries are just as bad, I think it's on the whole a lot easier for men to pull off scams of that sort. That said, reading these "return to sender" kinds of posts always leaves a bad after-taste for me because the fact is, sometimes the marriage just failed and the USC can't face it and begins to conclude this person never really cared for them. There are some cases where it is rather obvious what the partner's intent was (to just gain immigration benefits) and in those cases it is absolutely in order that something be done about it. However, it is very hard to know sometimes how sure the USC can be that this is not just an unfortunate case of marriage gone bad like it might have with any other USC. For my case, I have actually been extra careful to make it clear that I do not NEED to live and die in the US. I would have been just as happy if my USC partner came to live with me in Kenya. We also do not intend to live and die in the US...there is a whole world out there and we hope to get around quite a bit and expose our kids to different cultures to avoid that all too well known attitude that America the great is the be-all and end-all to everything. America is one great country. There are others. There are many others. Given all of these discussions and arrangements, in the event (however minimal) that our marriage did not work out...I will be very shocked and very devastated to find my fiance talking about "sending me back" as if my one goal in life was to nail an American, get him to marry me so that I can live in his great country forever and ever. If the marriage failed, honestly, I will be enough of a wreck, I won't be needing immigration benefits hanging over my head.

Yet again, I repeat, it is complicated and I very much sympathize with the many who have genuinely been taken advantage of. It's only human that when things fall apart and especially when it is clear you have been so thoroughly used, to want to do something about it and with the immigration process as it is, that is exactly the chance you get. I would just advise that the USC be very sure before acting on their "instinct" that they have been used...and beneficiaries, please, it is so unfair to use anyone in any country and any guise at all, if you're out there, please step back from this process now, it's just WRONG to do so.

On a final note, I think another danger lies in the fact that as beneficiaries begin to understand at what stage their immigration status becomes more than less final...they will then be sure to act the ideal partner until they have their 10 year green card. So either way, danger lurks. I pray that no one reading this has to endure such pain and for those of you that have already had to endure it, to somehow be able to heal and move forward.

[jerryadams 1]

In my case, I was a beneficiary and never saw it coming, my wife pulled the plug from under me. Before I came here, I had a great job, great benefits and family. Not only did I have to endure winter but I had to do crappy jobs just to survive. Just when I thought things were looking good, got a decent job, supported and loved my wife; she started making so many financial demands, temper tantrums, etc. I felt I was living to take care of her and the threat of "I will send you back" if you don't do ABC or D was always there. It was like I was living in prison or walking on egg shells and for what - a piece of paper?

[Olomi_811 130]

I am usually the local banner carrier for warning USC's that are marrying Nigerians to be careful. Why ? Because I have knowledge of the things they will do to come to the US. I know that many see a USC as an a stepping stone to a better life. I have also seem people that I am close to blindly insist that their relationship is different even when the Nigerian all but waves a Nigerian wife in the USC's face. Add to that, the cultural differences are huge. I have heard of so many things that are just beyond the thought process of the normal USC. I think there should be a clearer path to prevent/investigate fraud. Maybe if it is reported/suspected that both parties submit to a lie detector. I think that too few get depoerted for immigration fraud. I also know that nearly every failed Nigerian/USC marriage the fraud card is thrown out. Many USC's think throwing the fraud card absolves them from any wrong doing in the relationship. Usually at the end of the relationship there is her story, his story and the truth. Her story is she was used, his story is she was crazy / cheated and the truth is somewhere else.

This was not posted in the NIGERIAN forum and was not intended to be about NIGERIANS. This is not a country specific issue except the attitudes of AMERICANS.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Oh man Don't worry he will pay for everything he has done to you.

The saddest part is I am not angry. If I could rage and get angry, I think I could heal. I cannot get angry and that makes it harder and harder to survive. I don't know if that makes a lot of sense. I cannot talk to my family because my mother is despondant over my father. The same goes with my siblings. How do you explain how this feels to someone on the outside? I don't think that unless someone has been through this, I don't think they could understand the desperation and depression you feel. I was so overwhelmed by all the things he has pulled and continue to be that I cannot find words to express it.

I write when I don't feel well and the only word I can find to express my pain is blue. My passport is blue. Its all he wanted from me and more so, I feel my family. I feel like every intimate moment was a total lie. I feel that the losses I went through, which were so huge, were nothing to him. I feel like nothing I did mattered. He paid 7 dollars into the system the entire year last year and yet he feels entitled to my tax return. My parents paid for his immigration attorney. I paid his entire immigration only for him to decide that after everything I did neither they or I mattered anything. I dont feel rage. In a way, jensi is doing alot better than I am. She has some rightous anger which in many ways will save her. I am slipping into deeper and deeper depression over it and its affected my health. And its not the end. I will have to face him smiling in divorce court because he doesnt care what this has done to me. Hes not unhappy. Hes a permanent resident. He has the rights to live in my hometown and I will have to run into him from time to time. I want to tell you that somehow there might be a happy ending. Right now, I cant see it. I cant see how I will EVER recover from any of this. I am sure its going to take therapy, time, anti depressants and a whole lot of love from my family. I am deeply sad. Not the ragey kind of revenge sad but sad in the most tragic of ways. I feel no trust for men anymore after this. This has shortened in my opinion, the life of my elderly parents who are very sad for me and can do nothing to console me so I just dont talk about it any more. I have to go through a divorce that I wish I could avoid because a divorce, even the best of situations is not an easy thing. I am so sorry to be so open and to put my heart out there but I am hurting to levels I cannot describe. I am not telling you that this is not the very best thing that could happen to me because based on the way he acts and has acted, staying with him has affected and destroyed my health. I am desperately sad. Desperately. I am seeking help for it but its just too difficult to comparmentalise all the parts of my life this has affected and things it has destroyed. Its like someone marrying you for money and taking all of it but money you can replace. Time you cannot. I hope what I just wrote summarises in some way what it feels like to be used for papers. Its a horrible feeling. On the other hand, unlike some other people, I cannot feel rage which makes it much worse for me. I just blame myself. I blame myself for ever marrying him. I blame myself for not ending it sooner. I blame myself for loving him in the first place. I blame myself for letting my children love and depend on him. And they did and still love him. None of the people in my immediate family wanted any of this. But he did not give any of that choice. He didnt and even when I divorce him, which will be a HUGE relief to my shattered family, my mother who did EVERYTHING possible to help him and welcome him. I didnt have a huge age difference or looks difference. We had things together. But he did not love or want me or truly love me. Thats a horrible thing to wake up and discover and it rips at the very core of my feelings as a woman. Am I not good enough? Was I not anything or pretty to begin with? Was I living in some dream world to begin with? I think the shattering of my feelings as a woman was the worst part. I dont feel like me anymore. Ironically, I started a diet last month and have lost weight. All of my feelings are right out there. I am so humiliated and embarassed.. Just very embarassed to be such a loser in all of this. I am sure someone else who has been through this can agree with me. I was strung along for immigration benefit.. it sucks

[Shawn&Jodie 14]

Why do people think they can just want to be rid of someone who has used them? I suppose that is the million dollar question. The fact that you think this is an American problem kinda amuses me. All of us US citizens here on VJ have met, or thought they have, the person they wanted to marry. Not all marriages work and we have all paid extra to make sure our loved ones are here. Why can't we ask how to make sure things are followed to the T?

I am more aggravated on reading post that when things go wrong all I see is " God Bless, Pray" and other BS. People are people, some will do anything to believe in unicorns and others will do anything to get to the land of unicorns.

There was a post earlier today where the US citizen was attacked by his wife and he mentioned the phrase "can I send her back" He even said later that it was a poor choice of words. He was looking for information on how to CYA. There is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't matter if it is a failed marriage, crappy marriage, fraud marriage, it can come from any country.

Everyone will find a way to deal with their own personal situation. I swear this site has seemed to turn into, at times, a marriage counseling site. Who cares how anyone deals with their marriage. When it comes to dealing with people caring about how to make sure they are following the law of immigration, whether it be coming here or making sure when things go bad, that's why they ask.

Maybe your next post should be " Irritated with American Attitudes when Dealing with Child Support" or "Irritated with American Attitudes when Filing Taxes" or if you're feeling brave "Irritated with American Attitudes when Dealing with Illegal Immigration"

[Iyawo Ijebu 157]

A petitioner should treat this process as though there was not a "return to sender" option. It's not fair to look at your role in this journey from a position of leverage and power. People mention the heart of the USC; it's bad enough that USCIS paperwork refer to people as ALIENS (hubby really took offense to that), but to have the frame of mind that only the USC has a heart implies that you believe your worth is more.

When the relationship is USC & USC the issue of returning them is null. Can you truly say the hurt is greater when the person is from another country or is your mentality that you believe you've paid for this person so they owe you?

I feel you and completely understand where you are coming from.

[MissAAA 9]

Interesting viewpoints. Keep them coming...

[suganspyce42 5]

Speaking from personal experience.....at no point did I ever feel as though I was "saving" my spouse from his 3rd world country but I absolutely felt that he would have many more opportunities to better himself here, than in a country where getting ahead is a rarity.

As far as wanting to send someone back to their country....I can relate to this immensely.

I spent a lot of money and time on my marriage and the visa. I spent many nights crying before and after it was done. I spent even more nights feeling destroyed, jilted and confused as to why this man, who said he loved me just hours before he walked out of my home 6 days after his arrival in the US, would leave me in an instant and throw away the memories and future we could have potentially had together.

Does he deserve to stay here after being a fake or feeling confused about his move to the US or choking me or cheating on me or lyIng to my face day after day?? I would say NO.

Asking how I can send him back is probably the nicest thing I can say because I'd LOVE to do much worse BUT, I think that it's fair enough to ask that question......not wanting to see his face living in the same city I live in, acting as though I didn't exist or this never happened. Yea, I'm all set with all that.

And I'm going to go out on a limb and speak for some others that ask that question. They may have deeper reasons why they ask that, more than what they'd want to share on VJ, because some people can be very judgmental. Not everyone is as vocal as I am....I give details because I know this will help someone else one day. Unless its happening to you, you will never understand.

On that note.....can anyone tell me how I can send my soon to be ex husband/abuser/fake/fraud/liar back to his country?

Hi Sam, I remember your story all to well. You are hanging in there girl and keep it up. I am going to give you a round of applause for your well said remark and reply to this hot topic. Your situation would have been a hard pill to swallow and I can't even begin to fathom the hurt you must have felt. I agree, until someone has experienced such a devastating ordeal, how could they possibly know what will happen or what they might even say or do? What i do know is, if i should ever experience such, my country would not seem big enough for the both of us. It's cruel, it's mean and very unnecessary to play with someone's emotions and shattering their heart to pieces.

[TBoneTX 45,309]

This was not posted in the NIGERIAN forum and was not intended to be about NIGERIANS. This is not a country specific issue except the attitudes of AMERICANS.

Overreaction, anybody? I (for one) appreciate the insights about Nigerians or any other nationality that anyone wishes to comment about. That aside, you're getting plenty of input from all over the place.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Overreaction, anybody? I (for one) appreciate the insights about Nigerians or any other nationality that anyone wishes to comment about. That aside, you're getting plenty of input from all over the place.

Rudeness comes from all countries. Usually overreaction comes when something hits too close to the truth.