Shoe on the OTHER foot!!???

[Darnell 8,478]

but right now I dont like the "stay at home part" I would volunteer in a heartbeat, but live in the "boonies" and dont have a car yet.

The ONLY reason I am here is to be with him. Just some of the days tick tick by.

Boonies with land? time to get busy, plant the veg and herbal garden. That'll keep you occupied, and you can make new gardening friends .

Gardening is a great way to engage your time. Handy with tools and lumber? Build some gardening stuff, to keep out the rabbits, whilst yer at it.

Just saying.. there's lots of ways to fill yer time, and gardening is just one of them.

[sheeshkabelle 153]

Boonies with land? time to get busy, plant the veg and herbal garden. That'll keep you occupied, and you can make new gardening friends .

Gardening is a great way to engage your time. Handy with tools and lumber? Build some gardening stuff, to keep out the rabbits, whilst yer at it.

Just saying.. there's lots of ways to fill yer time, and gardening is just one of them.

We just started tilling and getting the soil ready for our garden!

[alizon 77]

You want me to pay HOW MUCH for a pack of cigarettes?!

Haha, I think that's more of a major city vs. small town thing. There's no difference in price from Chicago to Montreal!

But I (the American in this relationship) am trying really, really hard to be sensitive to my husband's fears and worries about moving to the US. Perhaps this doesn't apply to all American spouses, but part of what makes it difficult for me to sympathize is NOT because I think the US is the be-all-end-all; on the contrary, I wish we were moving to Canada. It's rather because I (and a lot of Americans, I think) am not attached in the same way to where I live or where I'm from. My parents moved 700 miles from their parents to raise my brother and me, I moved another 125 miles away from them for college/the rest of my life, and they have since moved back east, now almost 900 miles away from me. We* have always been super mobile: a twelve hour road trip to see our families is nothing to me and my friends. My husband, by contrast, grew up about 20 minutes from his grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. and has lived within a two hour drive of his extended family for his entire life. I can understand missing some things about a place where I once lived, but I can't quite understand all of the anxiety my husband feels because I know he has me and other friends here, and because I know this is a great place to live, and I know he knows that from the time he has spent here. Even while I'm trying to be sensitive, I still can't help but think his fear is more about his lack of experience in moving around than it is about crossing a border.

Anyway, I just wanted to pipe in to say that's it's not always insensitivity or hubris about the amazing lifestyle in the US.

*And I hesitate to say "we" because I know this isn't the only American experience, but it's mine and one I share with many people my age.

Edited April 15, 2012 by alizon

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Sometimes I don't notice that permanent ache of homesickness in the back of my mind/heart and sometimes I do.

This. Exactly.

I've been here three years now and the homesickness has never really gone away. In fact I didn't really notice it the first year as things were so new and exciting but since having a baby two years ago I've started really missing home, especially all the familiar places and friends with their new babies.

I moved from London to a log cabin in Virginia - I really miss good public transport and all the amenities of a really cool city. I LOVED London so much.

I was the one who moved because my husband had 2 girls still in high school. In three years they will both be in college so I have already started lobbying for a move to the UK or at least somewhere in Europe if his job can't transfer to the UK. Our current possible options are Paris or Geneva. I want my little girl to be able to embrace her British/European heritage.

I also gave up an amazing job, my dream job to move here. Sometimes I feel a really sharp pang like when someone has died when I think about not working for my old company. Sounds dramatic but it really was an amazing place to work.

I do love my family and when I look at what I've gained by being here - a great marriage, husband and beautiful baby, I know I made the right choice. BUT...if someone offers me the chance to move back to Europe I would jump. Ideally I'd like to spend half the year here and half in the UK. Haven't quite worked out how to make that work financially yet!

[S and R 8]

I too got the "Aren't you SO happy you get to live in the US?"... um no? i don't really think about it. I'm not "living in the US", I'm "living with my husband". I am living away from my family and instead closer to his family who are (the vast majority are) bad people. My personal income is non-existent at the moment but even when I was working it was about half what I was earning back home. Yes the cost of living is lower here but I read a post just the other day were the lady was talking about how much financially better they are now (after many many years) and it got me thinking actually we're WORSE off. I'm sure it'll get better but there you go.

I don't hate living here (anymore ) but it doesn't mean I LOVE living here, I'm pretty ambivalent about it actually. It doesn't mean I should "go home" (like is so often said in reply to these kinds of posts). In fact I've had people get pretty insulting if I don't say I love it here. They get this curl of distaste on their lip... like I'm this selfish self-absorbed immigrant who doesn't realise how lucky I am. I had a GMIL tell me I didn't know anything about how AMERICAN bread behaved in the fridge (it goes stale like all other bread!) because I "wasn't American". I get my words corrected (sometimes quite nastily) and I once made a FB note listing the different words/things and my SIL called me ignorant for thinking that American's "didn't know" particular words. I never said they didn't, I said it's just not the word they use... man.. some people get quite angry so I'm on tenderhooks until I know what a certain person is like.

The above poster talks about how the opinion of the "other country" is. Tony's never been to Aus (just not financially viable at the moment) so his opinion is Crocodile Dundee and Mad Max.. that's what he thinks Australia and Australian's are like There are no taxis in this town, no public transport. It's a bike or a vehicle.

This is a little bit of a sexual stereotype but I've noticed from reading here and other forums that it's typically the women that have the hardest time adjusting. I think it's just because we're more emotional creatures.

My husband has given up stuff by me moving here. His income now goes towards the mortgage and other bills. Before I came (and before we got together) he was building a truck (he still has it in the garage but no movement on it for a while). He doesn't spend as much time with his friends or go out drinking/partying (and one friend in particular likes to point that out). He probably would have stayed in Houston and moved in with another friend down there... instead we moved up to Iowa to be closer to his (then not so bad) family. Those are different things to what I gave up but he still sacrificed as well and I notice and acknowledge that. He feels bad that his family are such a disappointment and that I miss my friends/family but you know, gotta grow up sometime. Luckily for me mum is visiting in August for my birthday (her first international trip) and I am SUPER excited. I actually still get teary thinking about how awesome it will be to have her here and finally seeing for herself what it's like here (and meeting her fur-grandbabies ).

Sometimes I don't notice that permanent ache of homesickness in the back of my mind/heart and sometimes I do. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I don't. I don't think that feeling will ever truly go away. I think it will fade more and more with time and then on days like Australia Day I'll be sobbing like a child while singing the National Anthem and other Aussie tunes. Sometimes you just need that.

Most people from Europe, Australia move for emotional reasons - mainly to be with their family. It is obvious most will be 'downgrading' their quality of life, overall. Australian culture values quality of life above everything else, it makes no point being a millionaire when your personal life is a mess - working 14 hour days, no time for family, friends, being constantly 'competitive' to move ahead, etc. My workmates think I am nuts to move to the USA. They would understand if it was to Europe or even to Asia (Singapore, Malaysia, Hong Kong) but to the USA?!

Out of the 30 million Australians only 800-1000 relocate to the USA permanently every year - for all immigration visa types. Even the 10,500 quota for E3 visas is never filled. The more I talk to people about my coming relocation the more I understand why the numbers are low. My wife has extended family in the US compared to me here, the least traumatic & disruptive was for me to relocate instead of her, otherwise Australia is first choice if things were equal. Lots of Americans believe they live in the best country in the world simply because they dont know any better and have not traveled abroad.

[SweetieUs 4]

Ok Ok.. so I know that in so many topics that have been started, its assumed and often factual, that the beneficiary who comes into the US, has a vastly improved and better life. We see so many times that many from other countries come from vastly differnt living standards. They come to this new world, relearning many things and finding their "place" in this new society. Many are grateful and happy to be with the person they Love. There are a few that see it only as a ticket to get into this "fantasy" land to better everything in their lives to the expense of the person that brought them here in Love and hopes and dreams.

But I was thinking last couple days, what about the person that comes here to only benefit the US citizen? We dont often hear the side of how one comes here because the benificary will benefit the US citizen. Do any of you feel sometimes that you came here to end up putting forth MORE than the US citizen? Not that I dont communticate about balance with my partner, but sometimes I get the "feeling used" part and I am the beneficiary!! LOL

It is a hard adjustment no matter where your from, but being blessed to be born and raised in Canada, sometimes we feel being there has better benefits.

So I paid for most of all the paperwork, fees, travel and such on the K-1. With my savings in tow, I come down and I am paying for 95% of the wedding and as well as AOS coming up. I had a great job in Canada,moving up in a company, independant lifestyle, family, my own place, my son nearby, no one to look after but myself.. If I wanted cereal for dinner , then by dammit, thats what I'm eating! LOL. My daughter is 25 on her own with a major degree and career, my son, working in a great trade, making good money.

Now I am here, cooking every day, cleaning, and often paying for groceries and looking after partners 8 year old kid. He has to short sale his home because he made a hasty decision buying when prices were skyrocketing. (I wont bail him out since its not a place I want to live in.)

Before I came we agreed on having his kid every other weekend so that "WE" have a weekend to do things. But I am left with her on "HIS" weekends while he works. I made it clear that I am not raising kids again.. been there , done that.

He always complained how tired he was to do housework, because of how much his job takes out of him. ( to his defence, he works 10-14 hours a day, 6 days a week) I dont begrudge doing cooking, cleaning right now, but once I have my work permit... look out.. career again!

But right now some days just dont please me at all. I feel like im taken advantage of.

Any one else ever feel like the shoe is on the other foot?

I think you should discuss this with him.

[LeftCoastLady 441]

Haha, I think that's more of a major city vs. small town thing. There's no difference in price from Chicago to Montreal!

But I (the American in this relationship) am trying really, really hard to be sensitive to my husband's fears and worries about moving to the US. Perhaps this doesn't apply to all American spouses, but part of what makes it difficult for me to sympathize is NOT because I think the US is the be-all-end-all; on the contrary, I wish we were moving to Canada. It's rather because I (and a lot of Americans, I think) am not attached in the same way to where I live or where I'm from. My parents moved 700 miles from their parents to raise my brother and me, I moved another 125 miles away from them for college/the rest of my life, and they have since moved back east, now almost 900 miles away from me. We* have always been super mobile: a twelve hour road trip to see our families is nothing to me and my friends. My husband, by contrast, grew up about 20 minutes from his grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. and has lived within a two hour drive of his extended family for his entire life. I can understand missing some things about a place where I once lived, but I can't quite understand all of the anxiety my husband feels because I know he has me and other friends here, and because I know this is a great place to live, and I know he knows that from the time he has spent here. Even while I'm trying to be sensitive, I still can't help but think his fear is more about his lack of experience in moving around than it is about crossing a border.

Anyway, I just wanted to pipe in to say that's it's not always insensitivity or hubris about the amazing lifestyle in the US.

*And I hesitate to say "we" because I know this isn't the only American experience, but it's mine and one I share with many people my age.

This is a great point. I've also wondered if the difficulty in transitioning hits people harder if they're moving from a metropolitan area in their previous country to a not-so-metro area. That's not to knock my fellow Americans who live in small towns, but coming from one, I wanted to get out as soon as possible.

I've lived in various places in the US. Being born and raised on the East Coast, I packed up my things and moved on a whim to the "Left Coast" about six years ago while the rest of my family is still there. So, there's definitely a difference if you have the "wanderlust" vs. being used to living in, essentially, the same environs for much of your life. And that's especially true for the USC...maybe even more than the beneficiary.

That said, I do also recognize that sadly a majority of Americans don't have a passport. I've lived in other countries, as has my fiancé, so having an appreciation of different cultures -- even if it's one that is similar on the surface such as Canada -- helps. If one has never left their comfort zone to experience a different culture, that's when you get the over-inflated sense of nationalism. Yes, I love my country, but I am also fully aware of its flaws. When my fiancé and I talk about American life experience, it's more related to the food. I grew up with such a variety that I sometimes take for granted that not everyone grew up eating Chinese one night, Italian the next, Thai on Saturday, etc.

I do hope that everyone who experiences difficulty in adjusting to their new lives speaks to their partner in this about their fears, worries, pangs of homesickness. Even if they can't change the situation, at least let them know how you're feeling so it doesn't bubble up inside you.

Edited April 15, 2012 by LeftCoastLady

[Julie y Pat 67]

I thought the "boonies" were in Canada

[Olomi_811 130]

Whether you are moving from one country to another or one state to another to be with someone whom you're in a relationship, there is going to be an adjustment period. You do what you can to be supportive before and after you find work. It is contradictory to say you don't want to raise kids again and get in a relationship with someone who has an 8 yr old. God forbide something happens to her mother. Guess where the 8 yr old is going to live? You also talk about these vacations you both want to take and that most of his money is going to a house he can't get out of easily and child support. Guess who is paying for the vacations? For whatever reason, you choose to overlook these things. You can either make the best of it for you or figure out the best for your marriage.

Best wishes

[AmyWrites 593]

I moved to Russia, and one of the biggest reasons was to be with my SO. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with the country, and sometimes I feel like I hate everything here. It's been extremely difficult and sometimes I resent that he hasn't gone through living in MY country... but then when he hugs me at night and makes sure I'm happy everything's okay again. And well, he will move to the States soon, so he will know what it's like. IMO I think couples like us in should take time to live in each other's countries, it's unfair to be the only one not dealing with culture shock and all it entails.

[Calicolom 266]

My Father told me, Women are smarter and stronger than Men, these posts are right on.

[alizon 77]

I thought the "boonies" were in Canada

"Boonies" is short for boondocks, which just means any rural area, middle of nowhere, usually meant to be pejorative.

[B & G 200]

Haha, I think that's more of a major city vs. small town thing. There's no difference in price from Chicago to Montreal!

But I (the American in this relationship) am trying really, really hard to be sensitive to my husband's fears and worries about moving to the US. Perhaps this doesn't apply to all American spouses, but part of what makes it difficult for me to sympathize is NOT because I think the US is the be-all-end-all; on the contrary, I wish we were moving to Canada. It's rather because I (and a lot of Americans, I think) am not attached in the same way to where I live or where I'm from. My parents moved 700 miles from their parents to raise my brother and me, I moved another 125 miles away from them for college/the rest of my life, and they have since moved back east, now almost 900 miles away from me. We* have always been super mobile: a twelve hour road trip to see our families is nothing to me and my friends. My husband, by contrast, grew up about 20 minutes from his grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. and has lived within a two hour drive of his extended family for his entire life. I can understand missing some things about a place where I once lived, but I can't quite understand all of the anxiety my husband feels because I know he has me and other friends here, and because I know this is a great place to live, and I know he knows that from the time he has spent here. Even while I'm trying to be sensitive, I still can't help but think his fear is more about his lack of experience in moving around than it is about crossing a border.

Anyway, I just wanted to pipe in to say that's it's not always insensitivity or hubris about the amazing lifestyle in the US.

*And I hesitate to say "we" because I know this isn't the only American experience, but it's mine and one I share with many people my age.

I agree with you Alizon. It depends how and where you were raised and alil on your personality. I have lived in Australia, Greece and Cyprus. Trips from each country back and forth. I was born in Greece, parents and i migrated to Australia for 2 years in 1982, back to Greece and then migrated back to Australia in 1989. In 2000 we went back to Greece to be closer to my grandparents (who are still an 8 hr drive away from Athens). In 2008 I moved to Cyprus for work for almost 2 years and was then relocated back to Athens in 2010.

After all that, moving to the US does not seem so daunting. Maybe I am the exception to the rule and I adjust easily. But through all those moves I have learnt one thing. Intergrate yourself in your new country as quickly as possible. My father once told me something that helped with all these moves. The place you are at is your home, thats your country and thats your homeland. It might not be the one you were born in, it might not be the one your family is in, but its the one you are in. Build your life there, and don't compare. Make the most of what you have and don't pine for what you don't.

[Darnell 8,478]

This is a great point. I've also wondered if the difficulty in transitioning hits people harder if they're moving from a metropolitan area in their previous country to a not-so-metro area. That's not to knock my fellow Americans who live in small towns, but coming from one, I wanted to get out as soon as possible.

Ya, I realized this would be some issue for my wife, as well, as she's a born n bred city girl. Me? Not so much - though born a city boy, I was raised a country boy, and got back into the city after college (well, lots of cities, really). Usually once I settle into a city, I find a largish tract of land, and start a 1 to 3 acre organic gardening venture (keeps me sane and balanced, my regular job breaks my brain) ...

When I was in Houston, I had a rustic farmhouse on 2 acres INSIDE the city. Sure, it was convenient for my wife for location, but not convenient in terms of living - great bach pad, though.

When I moved up to Irving, I found a larger spread, 4.5 acres INSIDE the city. Not a rustic farm house, at all, so I know she'd acclimate easily.

Now I'm in Plano, in a house. It's interesting, but I still get to Irving on the weekends to garden. The bigger bit is that where I am now, is a huge PRC population, with folk from her home city, so she won't feel so lonely...

One of the things that is difficult for her to fathom - is getting out in the woods by yerself - usually in the rare times that she's done it, there's been 20 to 100 people around her, 'enjoying nature'.

I've tried to make the home here as comfortable and familar as I know how (and I know a lot) and settled into a community where's there's lots of PRC people with chinese accupuncturists and herbalists. I could never (in good conscience) assume she'd want to live around my parents' place, a small farming community where 80 percent of them are racists...

So, for us, it's a bit different - it's not just the boonies issue, but being able to blend in without fear , as well.

I do miss morning coffee in my garden during the week, but my smaller gardens at the house in plano are incredible (roses are blooming, vines everwhere, all is green for the nonce) so I know she'll know some peace here...

[Mr. Borkström 63]

I'm (hoping to) move from Sweden's 6th biggest town (135,000 people) to America's 13th biggest city (Pittsburgh, PA). The weird thing is our Swedish public transportation system is much, MUCH better than Pittsburgh's. This worries me. I'm 36 and I don't have a drivers license. All my life I've never needed one, I've gotten by just fine without a car. In America people think you're either mad or destitute or both if you don't have a car - you need one to get by (at least this is how it seems to be, maybe this is just prejudice on my part).

Some things makes me worried. Seems violent crime is more common in the US than little old Sweden. But on the other hand, Pittsburgh seems to be heralded as a very livable city, so I cling to the hope that this is fact and not fiction.

I'm sure I will miss a lot of things when the day comes (hopefully in a not too distant future) for me to move. One thing that I do find exciting is finding out if my expectations of what America is like will be correct or not. In Sweden we have been bombarded by American culture the last number of years. Will that image be accurate? I hope to find out soon.

I feel like I will be very dependent on my American wife once I move over. I have been to Pittsburgh once and I know virtually no one there. I guess I don't have a very active social life here but I do things to keep myself occupied socially (if that makes any sense), namely, I've been active as a floorball coach for 15 years. The floorball teams have been like an extended family for me and I'm going to miss that, in some ways more than my friends and family.

Sorry, feels like this post is all over the place. Whether I am giving up a lot or nothing at all, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I have everything to gain. Life in America is going to be different I'm sure. I am going to miss a lot of things, but on the other hand I get a chance to experience something new and to re-invent myself. And I never even wanted to move to a different part of town. lol My wife and I have talked about moving to Sweden once her two children are adults and out of college n'at. We'll see. Maybe ten years from now I'll be a fully-fledged American too. I don't think so. I think even if I end up living the rest of my life in the US, in my heart I am always going to be Swedish.

Edited April 15, 2012 by Mr. Borkström