Intrusive Ex

[AmyWrites 593]

Usually the beneficiary gets here and then leaves their new spouse because they came here for a green card, not for love. That's what I have read about in the forum that you mentioned. I am sure there are instances of abuse of children, but I haven't run across any. If I get scammed, I am sure my ex would be thrilled, that is not the concern here.

And no, it's not a high fraud country with "scary" stereotypes, hence, he's doing this out of spite at worst or ignorant fear at best and not true concern for our child's safety.

Hmmm.... maybe you can somehow get your ex to talk with your current spouse? I don't know, I think if you just tell her something like "I deserve to be happy", you're going to feed her paranoia about your new spouse and that you don't care about the kids enough. I don't know if your kids have met your new spouse but maybe she should somehow communicate with your new spouse before the kids do (you being present to avoid your ex somehow attacking verbally or physically your new spouse).

I'm not insinuating foreign spouses are somehow more evil. I'm saying that his ex probably see is as a person from a different culture, who maybe he hasn't known "in person" for a long time, and that's why she's reacting so badly to this.

[Rob & Monika 87]

They are going to meet eventually, perhaps the mere suggestion of having them meet, or even talking online, may help the ex get over their issues. It is really a fear of the unknown that is the problem, so let them know each other. Granted, make sure they both know that their 'meeting' should not be about digging up the past.

I went though something similar when I first invited my fiancée across the border to stay a few days while my daughter was over for the weekend. My ex flipped out that I would let our daughter spend an entire weekend in the same house with someone neither her or my daughter knew. By that time my ex-wife had already been through several boyfriends, including overnight stays and even letting my daughter meet them, and I never met any of them. Once my ex and fiancée met, and talked a little at my daughters birthday party, her attitude completely changed to "I can't believe you found someone so nice on your first try". It can also help spot a bad partner if they find valid reasons to object. I have stood up to my ex on one of her choices in men and flat out told her I would fight custody if she continued seeing the man. I'm a passive person, but I knew enough about him to stand up to her about it, and she knew I was right. To hear my ex tell me that I found a good person, not only did it completely remove my fears of what will happen between the two, but it reaffirms myself that I am making a good choice if my ex approves.

[tany1157 161]

Hmmm.... maybe you can somehow get your ex to talk with your current spouse? I don't know, I think if you just tell her something like "I deserve to be happy", you're going to feed her paranoia about your new spouse and that you don't care about the kids enough. I don't know if your kids have met your new spouse but maybe she should somehow communicate with your new spouse before the kids do (you being present to avoid your ex somehow attacking verbally or physically your new spouse).

I'm not insinuating foreign spouses are somehow more evil. I'm saying that his ex probably see is as a person from a different culture, who maybe he hasn't known "in person" for a long time, and that's why she's reacting so badly to this.

I'm immigrating a Muslim. My ex could scream up and down I'm importing some evil person, the way the media likes to put it. But you know why he isn't...because we trust each other that we have the best intentions for our son. He has an open mind, and he wants me to be happy. I feel the same exact way for him. Of course I prod about his woman, because I'm nosy. And I let him know things that are going on with my husband. I'm sure if we had a bitter, sour relationship, things would be way different. I agree that just telling the ex what they want to know will just be easier. Your advice is good as well. After all that, if the ex is still being a jerk, then they are just being troublemakers. Didn't mean to disrespect anyone, this subject just pushed my buttons. OP, someone stated maybe being the bigger person, and killing them with kindness. You should do just that. Being defensive will only feed the ex's fire. Good luck

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

I supplied my fiance's requested information because I have to by law. That is the extent of what I am going to do.

I am sure they will meet at some point in the future at some event for our child, just like I met his wife. If I thought it would do my child any good for them to meet, I'd arrange it, but I don't. I wish things were more cordial, but they are not.

Thank you all for your input and advice.

[stefan y karen 23]

Plenty of times couples get the visa, etc, come to the US, then the beneficiary's true colors start showing, hey, read the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum to see just a few posts about it. Ill-intentioned people can and do scam the USC and the US government in the process.

Your ex is probably being more paranoid because maybe the country your spouse is from has certain negative stereotypes about its people, or she's heard horror stories, etc. I'm sure she'll get over it once she comes to the States and all goes well.

I would also suspect that when your ex talks to friends they create a firestorm together: "I hear his fiance is from X and you know how THEY are. THEY are crazy! I don't want my kids around that craziness. I'm not being paranoid am I?" It is a cycle that almost justifies their paranoia. I hate to say this, because it isn't really fair, but the best way to stop/prevent the paranoia is to be overly communicative with the ex. I know it's the absolute last thing you want to do, but it probably will prevent a recurring set of fights going forward.

But to be fair, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't want to do it.

[LinayMiguel 5]

I was looking for anyone who has had experience with the legality of these demands being made by the ex, not just opinions. I should have been clear in my initial post.

I already understand how these fears arise and why.

My personal experience:

My ex, within a few months of separating, brought a woman to live with him at his house while he had our two children with him for his allowed time. I was never told anything or was never asked. When my children came back, my oldest mentioned about "daddy's new girlfriend"

When I asked my ex about it, he didnt even want to give me her name. I, of course, found out pretty quickly who she was (without being intrusive in their lives and without disrupting their privacy) and come to find out, she has a criminal record and that is why my ex didnt want to give me any information. I spoke to 3 different lawyers, and all of them told me that I have no "legal rights" to do anything about it, that he is allowed to bring anyone to live with him and I couldnt do anything "legally" about it. They also told me that my ex "legally" DOES NOT have to tell me who he brings around the kids or who comes to live with him. We live in FL...

Good Luck and PM me if you need anything else

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Yes your ex wife has the right to "demand" personal informations about your "new wife" if she is living in the house and/or spending time with the children. If you refuse to give any information then your ex wife can petition the court to order your to disclose who is in the house when the kids visitations, if she believes that the children may be in danger. She has to demonstrate that it is in the child's best interest for her to know who he children are exposed to.There is a legal recourse in the law for that. If the Court grant her motion you will be forced to disclose the name of the person living in the house.In the event she prove that your new wife is a bad influence for the kids, because she is for example a felon, a drug addict, she can petition the court for a restraining order to keep your new wife around the children.

Believing children can be in danger and proving it sufficiently as to a judicial court making some judgements and ordering disclosures are two completely different things. I deal with this on a daily basis as part of work I do as a child advocate.

It is true that courts do take an interest in safeguarding children but you can't just accuse people of being felons, criminals or the sort. The sort of situatio you are describing occurs during a divorce when defining custody arrangements and one of the parents is already in another relationship.

After a divorce is final, the burden of proof is on the person 'demanding' that information. Specially in cases in which the US government has "blessed" the immigrant. Yes, of course people can slide by, but pretty much you would be telling a judge that you don't believe the USCIS did a good job in checking the immigrant's past. Not going to fly unless you have solid proof.

Without knowing other details, for example, past cases in which the parent being asked for information had a relationship with somene who turned out to be a criminal; it is not possible to tell what can happen.

It seems in this case it is just a control issue and some sort of jealously.

Custody arrangements are not predicated on whether one or both parents enter into other relationships afterwards; they are defined on the evidence presented during the divorce proceedings.

Forgot to add: the demanding parent however can file a report indicating that neglect (physical, emotional) and/or abuse is occuring for example; and normally a state agency (CPS-Child Protective Services) will investigate the merits. The only time CPS would take immediate custody is if there is hard evidence as to the alleged neglect/abuse. Original OP might want to take steps to ensure this 'demanding' parent is not the abuser and then making it look like the other was at fault. Never assume 'it could/would not happen'. I've seen it happening many times.

Good luck

Edited April 2, 2012 by Gosia & Tito

[VanessaTony 3,567]

A lot of this is jealousy. Not of you finding someone else, but of another "father" entering the kids lives. He didn't realise how hard it was for you to permit another female and now that the shoe is on the other foot, now that this is serious and the person will be sticking around, he's realising he's got to share the kids with another parent and he doesn't like it.

Yeah it sucks that you have to provide info but as you said YOUR soon-to-be husband has been vetted, his wife wasn't. You don't mention country, obviously to remain anonymous so it's hard to give specific advice on what rebuttals there are. Unless your ex has lived in that country his opinion is simply ignorance. It takes 10 positive remarks to counter 1 negative remark and even then you need to WANT to see the positives, and he's not there yet. He's clinging to negatives.

I'm sorry but it is most likely going to worse before it gets better. Especially when your fiance moves in, at the wedding (some parents refuse to allow the kids to take part in the wedding if it's during "their time"), and in the first couple of months when you kids go to his house talking about your (then) husband. The jealousy will be bad. The SMALLEST issue your kids have with your (then) husband will be blown out of proportion ("he told them to eat their vegetables?! Who does he think he is?!"). It will eventually get better though. Stay strong and don't play into it... easier said than done I know.

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

A lot of this is jealousy. Not of you finding someone else, but of another "father" entering the kids lives. He didn't realise how hard it was for you to permit another female and now that the shoe is on the other foot, now that this is serious and the person will be sticking around, he's realising he's got to share the kids with another parent and he doesn't like it.

Yeah it sucks that you have to provide info but as you said YOUR soon-to-be husband has been vetted, his wife wasn't. You don't mention country, obviously to remain anonymous so it's hard to give specific advice on what rebuttals there are. Unless your ex has lived in that country his opinion is simply ignorance. It takes 10 positive remarks to counter 1 negative remark and even then you need to WANT to see the positives, and he's not there yet. He's clinging to negatives.

I'm sorry but it is most likely going to worse before it gets better. Especially when your fiance moves in, at the wedding (some parents refuse to allow the kids to take part in the wedding if it's during "their time"), and in the first couple of months when you kids go to his house talking about your (then) husband. The jealousy will be bad. The SMALLEST issue your kids have with your (then) husband will be blown out of proportion ("he told them to eat their vegetables?! Who does he think he is?!"). It will eventually get better though. Stay strong and don't play into it... easier said than done I know.

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I am afraid that your assessment of the situation is quite accurate. I am hoping beyond hope that this transition will be as trouble free as possible, but am prepared for the worst. I just feel bad for my poor child being caught in the middle of this mess. I wish my ex would see how this type of behavior does nothing but hurt our child.

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A big thank you to everyone for your feedback, it was helpful to hear all different opinions and experiences to get a good idea of how to proceed with this very difficult situation.

[tany1157 161]

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I am afraid that your assessment of the situation is quite accurate. I am hoping beyond hope that this transition will be as trouble free as possible, but am prepared for the worst. I just feel bad for my poor child being caught in the middle of this mess. I wish my ex would see how this type of behavior does nothing but hurt our child.

**********

A big thank you to everyone for your feedback, it was helpful to hear all different opinions and experiences to get a good idea of how to proceed with this very difficult situation.

I wish you good luck, and will keep your family in my prayers