Intrusive Ex

[tany1157 161]

Yes, I trusted the ex's judgement. Didn't think I had a choice. And it certainly wasn't apathy. Unless there was some reason for actual concern, outside of my feeling insulted for not even being informed of any of this or even introduced to this person who just started showing up one day at parent-teacher conferences, I did not see a reason to interfere as I would want the same respect if tables were turned. My child did not voice any concerns about this new person at the time, so I let things go for the sake of peace. And yes, it is very unfortunate that we don't have the kind of relationship where we could just communicate more openly and introduce the new spouse in a friendly way.

My point is, they will not find anything that the government has not and meeting someone once isn't going to reveal their character. It is to appease the person, not to truly accomplish anything.

I feel extremely disrespected in every way by my ex and this is just another incidence of power play and manipulation due to their insecurity. (I believe this particular insecurity is fueled by fear of a foreigner, because I was not questioned about a previous live-in significant other who was from the US.) My ex makes many derogatory comments about me and my family to my child. Constantly lays guilt trips on the child if they show affection for anyone but them and my child's relationship is now strained with the above mentioned step parent who moved in several years ago. My child doesn't want me to say anything to the other parent because they don't want things to get more uncomfortable than they already are. We tried a couple of years ago and nothing improved.

There is a lot more to this situation than just the issue of wanting to investigate my fiance (there always is). How do you keep the peace and cooperate for the child's sake without constantly cowering and giving in to a bully? This is just one more slap in the face after years of disrespect on the part of my ex.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Having a pain in the neck ex is draining. Of course, I would demand to know who is around my son, as does his father. Thankfully, his father and I have a very good relationship. I speak openly about my current husband, and let him know what's is going on. I, in turn, have met the two women he has been serious with. He met a woman a couple of years ago, and married her quickly. AFTER they got married, he told me the crazy things she was doing, and needless to say, the marriage lasted maybe 2 months. He recently has been dating another woman. She came to my son's birthday in February, and I just loved her. She has always told my ex to ask me certain things, like when he wanted to change jobs, her first thing was he should speak with me, as it may have changed the child support I was getting. She wanted to make sure I was ok with her coming to my son's party. I get so angry at parents who make each other's lives more difficult, which in turn affects the children.

I would agree that both parents have a right to know who is around the children. But if she didn't care about the American you moved in, but now wants to jump up and down about the foreigner, is just showing her ignorance. Yes, immigration can't find everything, like if the person has pedophile tendencies, but hasn't acted upon them yet, or is a physically/emotionally abusive person. She should care who is around her kid regardless of where they come from.

Have you explained the immigration process to her? Does she know what it entails? Have you brought up how she moved people in without your say, and about the other woman you had living with you before, and how she didn't question it? I hope she isn't a thorn on your side during immigration, because the process alone is daunting, and stressful.

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Having a pain in the neck ex is draining. Of course, I would demand to know who is around my son, as does his father. Thankfully, his father and I have a very good relationship. I speak openly about my current husband, and let him know what's is going on. I, in turn, have met the two women he has been serious with. He met a woman a couple of years ago, and married her quickly. AFTER they got married, he told me the crazy things she was doing, and needless to say, the marriage lasted maybe 2 months. He recently has been dating another woman. She came to my son's birthday in February, and I just loved her. She has always told my ex to ask me certain things, like when he wanted to change jobs, her first thing was he should speak with me, as it may have changed the child support I was getting. She wanted to make sure I was ok with her coming to my son's party. I get so angry at parents who make each other's lives more difficult, which in turn affects the children.

I would agree that both parents have a right to know who is around the children. But if she didn't care about the American you moved in, but now wants to jump up and down about the foreigner, is just showing her ignorance. Yes, immigration can't find everything, like if the person has pedophile tendencies, but hasn't acted upon them yet, or is a physically/emotionally abusive person. She should care who is around her kid regardless of where they come from.

Have you explained the immigration process to her? Does she know what it entails? Have you brought up how she moved people in without your say, and about the other woman you had living with you before, and how she didn't question it? I hope she isn't a thorn on your side during immigration, because the process alone is daunting, and stressful.

Thank you for being understanding about how stressful this is for me. Another sleepless night over this... I really envy you the relationship you have with your ex and his new significant other.

I have explained that my fiance has gone through extensive background checks over the course of the visa process. I brought up how I respected his ability to choose a person who would not endanger our child and would like the same respect in return. My child was told that my fiancee coming here: "Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie." by my ex. The is the level of mentality that I am dealing with here.

You mentioned that immigration can't find everything. That is true. Nor could any investigation my ex could do. Neither could a meeting between my ex and my fiance. My ex's demands are completely pointless. The ex has to trust me as a parent to put my child's well-being and safety first. I have given my ex no reason in the past not to trust in my abilities as a parent. Even though we do not see eye to eye on most things, I know the ex loves our child and would not put our child in danger. Neither would I. That is my whole point.

[tany1157 161]

Thank you for being understanding about how stressful this is for me. Another sleepless night over this... I really envy you the relationship you have with your ex and his new significant other.

I have explained that my fiance has gone through extensive background checks over the course of the visa process. I brought up how I respected his ability to choose a person who would not endanger our child and would like the same respect in return. My child was told that my fiancee coming here: "Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie." by my ex. The is the level of mentality that I am dealing with here.

You mentioned that immigration can't find everything. That is true. Nor could any investigation my ex could do. Neither could a meeting between my ex and my fiance. My ex's demands are completely pointless. The ex has to trust me as a parent to put my child's well-being and safety first. I have given my ex no reason in the past not to trust in my abilities as a parent. Even though we do not see eye to eye on most things, I know the ex loves our child and would not put our child in danger. Neither would I. That is my whole point.

It takes maturity on both parts. It was ugly the first year after separation, but we both said we didn't want that for our son. It takes work. We fight, maybe 3-4 times a year. We both know neither of us would put anyone or anything above our son. No, it isn't always easy, but we have managed. Divorced/separated parents need to love their child more than they hate each other. And I'm sorry, but even if you have been living years with someone, doesn't always guarantee you really "know" them...just watch "who the bleep did I marry"... or ask anyone who found out their spouse molested their child. So the fact that you are importing someone should not make a difference, and I am truly sorry your ex is being this way.

My current husband respects the fact my son's father is in his life. It was one of the first things I told him when we met, that this was how it was, and he needed to accept that. I tell my husband that we are lucky, because my ex could make a big thing how I was "importing a Muslim that I met on the internet", and how I could possibly be endangering my son. But thankfully, the people who know me, know I'm not one to be taken advantage of. I'm pretty opinionated and have a big mouth. In the end, he is still the ex, so beyond my son, my husband doesn't want to hear much else about him

I'm sorry, I've been speaking to you like you are the man, but I'm sensing your the woman My apologies

Edited April 2, 2012 by tany1157

[MangoAve 25]

I have looked into this many months ago. They have a right to obtain a copy of something like a driver's license so they can do a background check. Only if there is something on the foreigner's record, could the other parent use court to keep the children away. If there is nothing on the record, the most they can do is a loosely enforced "you cant discipline my child". Thats it. Seeing as the foreigner has had their background checked, there would be nothing on their record that your ex could use.

[james&olya 1,121]

Never under-estimate the power of a controlling, vindictive ex to make your life a living hell if there are children involved! I speak from experience, unfortunately.

A good question to ask yourself before making long-term commitments to someone in a relationship is "how would this person be to deal with if you were to break up"!

[AmyWrites 593]

After reading a few cases here of foreign spouses somehow damaging the child, or mistreating the child, your spouse has a right to know. I'm sorry but in long distance relationships... people can "fake" who they are very easily.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

After reading a few cases here of foreign spouses somehow damaging the child, or mistreating the child, your spouse has a right to know. I'm sorry but in long distance relationships... people can "fake" who they are very easily.

you dont truly know anyone until you have lived with them... it doesnt matter if they are immigrants or USC. i think statistics will show that the children are safer with someone who has gone through the time, expense, hassle, and background checks of the immigration process than someone from the childrens own country.

if it was just a regular boyfriend you had moving in with you then i could understand an ex wanting to know a little about them but because it will be someone you are about to, or already have married then the ex should trust your judgement. from personal experience though this is more about a controlling ex than concern for the kids.

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

Fair enough, but what, pray tell, are they going to find that the government didn't? They beneficiary won't get a visa with a record. More importantly, if they duped the US petitioner who supposedly develpoped a relationship with the beneficiary over a period of time and spent time with them and their friends and family you, don't think they'd be able to do the same with the petitioner's ex in a single meeting?

My whole point is that supplying this information will do NOTHING to avoid a situation like you described above. I am sure there are just as many instances of US citizens who are abusive to their step children. If the whole point is that the fiance is foreign, then there is no point.

[BethandBilly 86]

My husbands ex has always demanded to know everything about me, but due to the fact it isn't reciprocal, as in she refuses to tell us who she brings in to the kids lives, my husband refuses to tell her anything about me. Keep in mind here things work both ways, your ex wants info on your new spouse, then he/she must furnish you with the same information you are furnishing him. So yes if your ex wants to know all about your life, demand to know all about theirs, if they're not prepared to be open, then they need to put up or shut up.

Btw not just step parents are abusive, we're seeing more and more in the news that its biological parents can't be trusted with their own kids.

Edited April 2, 2012 by BethandBilly

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

you dont truly know anyone until you have lived with them... it doesnt matter if they are immigrants or USC. i think statistics will show that the children are safer with someone who has gone through the time, expense, hassle, and background checks of the immigration process than someone from the childrens own country.

if it was just a regular boyfriend you had moving in with you then i could understand an ex wanting to know a little about them but because it will be someone you are about to, or already have married then the ex should trust your judgement. from personal experience though this is more about a controlling ex than concern for the kids.

Exactly, Dan! My point exactly. You know what this is like, I can tell. This is supposed to be a happy time. I am getting married and instead of joy I am still living in fear of this bully's harassment and interference in mine and my soon to be husband's life.

[AmyWrites 593]

Fair enough, but what, pray tell, are they going to find that the government didn't? They beneficiary won't get a visa with a record. More importantly, if they duped the US petitioner who supposedly develpoped a relationship with the beneficiary over a period of time and spent time with them and their friends and family you, don't think they'd be able to do the same with the petitioner's ex in a single meeting?

My whole point is that supplying this information will do NOTHING to avoid a situation like you described above. I am sure there are just as many instances of US citizens who are abusive to their step children. If the whole point is that the fiance is foreign, then there is no point.

Plenty of times couples get the visa, etc, come to the US, then the beneficiary's true colors start showing, hey, read the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum to see just a few posts about it. Ill-intentioned people can and do scam the USC and the US government in the process.

Your ex is probably being more paranoid because maybe the country your spouse is from has certain negative stereotypes about its people, or she's heard horror stories, etc. I'm sure she'll get over it once she comes to the States and all goes well.

[Caryh 5,206]

Exactly, Dan! My point exactly. You know what this is like, I can tell. This is supposed to be a happy time. I am getting married and instead of joy I am still living in fear of this bully's harassment and interference in mine and my soon to be husband's life.

Just ask her what she wants to know tell her what you can. I found being nice when the ex is being rotten, makes them realize their mistake. This works particularly well when its in front of their family or friends. That generally shut down my ex's little games for a least a little while. After you've given what information you could, say something about maybe I shouldn't have trusted your judgement about the person their life and ask to get the same information in return. I'm actually happy by ex has finally found someone. I'm hoping it will give her something else to do than to try and create her little oh so transparent games, but I'm probably only fooling myself.

[Xanax 349]

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this.

In my opinion you should just give her the information she wants if you have nothing to hide.

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. Give her what she wants and maybe she will stop making drama for you otherwise she might try to turn it into a much bigger deal which would be good for neither your wife and yourself nor your children.

[tany1157 161]

Plenty of times couples get the visa, etc, come to the US, then the beneficiary's true colors start showing, hey, read the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum to see just a few posts about it. Ill-intentioned people can and do scam the USC and the US government in the process.

Your ex is probably being more paranoid because maybe the country your spouse is from has certain negative stereotypes about its people, or she's heard horror stories, etc. I'm sure she'll get over it once she comes to the States and all goes well.

I understand this, but this can happen in your own country. There are many, many people who get used/ scammed right here in America. I know there are horror stories of foreign relationships gone awry, but just as many happen right here. In this case, the ex is being a controlling bully, because they didn't supply this person with whom they were moving into the house. Maybe the OP didn't ask, but now they should. I know people married for 20 years who ended up being duped because their spouse decided to cheat, or they were living a double life. This isn't just about immigrants. Please stop insinuating that it is. These people go through extensive background checks. If they come here, and it ends up being a scam, then it's a life lesson that some people are just liars, and will hurt whomever, just for their own selfish reasons. If you think this doesn't happen amongst your fellow Americans, then you have your head in the clouds.

[RFEMAKEMECRAZY 6]

Plenty of times couples get the visa, etc, come to the US, then the beneficiary's true colors start showing, hey, read the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum to see just a few posts about it. Ill-intentioned people can and do scam the USC and the US government in the process.

Your ex is probably being more paranoid because maybe the country your spouse is from has certain negative stereotypes about its people, or she's heard horror stories, etc. I'm sure she'll get over it once she comes to the States and all goes well.

Usually the beneficiary gets here and then leaves their new spouse because they came here for a green card, not for love. That's what I have read about in the forum that you mentioned. I am sure there are instances of abuse of children, but I haven't run across any. If I get scammed, I am sure my ex would be thrilled, that is not the concern here.

And no, it's not a high fraud country with "scary" stereotypes, hence, he's doing this out of spite at worst or ignorant fear at best and not true concern for our child's safety.