sending money to his family (long)

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Although my parents would not give money to my husband's family happily, I bet they would gladly do it if they thought it would save our marriage. I do not agree that my parents should be in any way obliged to send their hard-earned money to my husband or his family (which is needed for their own retirement). And thus I see no need to tell my parents about our struggles it terms of discussing financial matters. If we get closer to the idea of divorcing, then certainly I've had to discuss this with my parents. They themselves were already asking today if everything was fine with my husband, as he didn't pick up their call a few days ago. So they will know soon enough if things go downhill between us. But I won't make a big issue over finances as I don't want my parents to feel guilt-induced into giving my husband money in attempts to save our marriage.

Money isn't really the problem in your relationship, it's the completely different values and expectations. Yes money is the current discussion but he's showing unwillingness to listen, he manipulates you and changes his tact when he's not getting his way.

Your latest update he's claiming that he didn't ask you for money, yet he has. You said you were going to give him some money to help out and before you could say what for he wanted $2K. Then when you said no just for the visa he said he wanted $1K for the car. Then he dropped it to $420, then up again to $1K and now he's claiming he didn't "ask" and while he didn't open the discussion, he waited till you offered something, then made his demands for WHAT and HOW MUCH he expected so yes he DID "ask" you for $2K then $1K after you mentioned sending "something"... He then tried to emotionally blackmail you by telling you you wouldn't have got that much money if he didn't get his passport done.

He expressed outrage at paying "YOUR" (singular) student loan debt and then changed his tune to say it was both of your (plural) debt to pay. He changed the amount of money to send to his parents from 50% to 5% or 10%. He told you that you had no say in how he spends his money and if he wants to send it all home he can and that he doesn't see why he has to contribute as much as you said to the debt.

The other situation is his family staying. He's unwilling to bend on this.

The long and short of it is he wants to be able to do what he wants, spend what he wants and you have no say in any of it... he keeps dismissing your opinion. You can't expect him to help you out financially once he gets here 'cause I guarantee he's going to change his tune AGAIN once he's here. You're going to be stressing out about debts and he'll be so happy to have all that money. You'll find out his family is coming to stay for 6 months once they're on the plane or even the day he picks them up.

So tell your family that he's changed, he won't listen to reason, he has high expectations about how life is going to be here and how much money he is willing to contribute to household bills and it's just not working out. Tell them he's trying to manipulate you, he keeps changing his tune about important things and then lying about what he's said hoping you won't realise he's changed his spoken view just to try and trick you. Tell them you think he's only using you for money and a chance here in the US and you're not willing to risk their financial security or your financial security on someone who's showing himself to be untrustworthy.

[rkk1 34]

You are right Vanessa.... he does change his numbers a lot, which can be crazy-making. I realize he doesn't have a way of knowing the exact numbers until he gets here, but the way he keeps changing things around and then not remembering what he said... that's just tiresome. We probably should just argue over email so we can quote each other on stuff.

The last time I mentioned the 6 month family thing to him, he started smiling. I asked him what he was so smiling about and he said that some time ago he had reduced it to 3 months, but I am still thinking he wanted them to be here for 6 months. Now he says he is okay with 3 months, but I am the one who is still firmly stuck at 3 weeks.

[Visitor 90]

rkk it's good to get an update from you. With all that's going on in your life I'm sure those of us who are following your story appreciate your effort to come here and give us updates.

Unfortunately I'm seeing more red flags here. Your husband is a master at manipulation. As it has been noted here by yourself and other posters here he changes his tack to suit his agenda. He has no shame (or scruples) to use your father to instill guilt. I find it disturbing that they talk privately. It gives your husband the opportunity to instill yet more guilt to your father by convincing him that he (your husband) is being sooooo patient with you and your family and willing to undergo many sacrifices to himself and his family (I can hear the violins from here) to make this marriage work. Of course anyway he puts this will make you and your family feel guilty..... "You have so much and we have so little"... yada yada - THAT"S NOT YOUR FAULT rkk so don't feel guilty about that!!!

More and more you are thinking about what I and others here see as an inevitable split. You've even mentioned divorce so are obviously considering that too. I think you know in your heart that you can't be happy in this relationship. Your goals are for a successful and secure future. He can't see past his own family moving here. You come second. With all your hard work that you and your family planned for and are putting in for your good future, you deserve to be first in someone's life. You don't deserve to be used as a meal ticket which is I think how you yourself are starting to feel.

You are already thinking about divorce and how he "could" cause trouble by contesting a prenup. With that in mind you and your family should cover yourselves BEFORE he can act on such fears. Listen to your gut and don't be "charmed" by his charismatic manipulations. The best con men use such tactics as their tools and weapons to fulfill their own ambitions. If he comes here and gets his green card you and your family will be responsible for him and he will use that too to his advantage. He is trying to keep the peace until he can acquire his GC and even saying that he agrees that you may have to go separate ways is playing into his hands by making you feel guilty (AGAIN) for not trying harder on your part to "save the marriage". After all, in his mind, he's doing everything he can but "I'm doing everything I can but my life is so difficult here - we don't have money for this or that". Oh he may not say these things in so many words but the installation of the guilt is the intent and he's playing the guilt card every chance he gets. Even if you don't see it every time he's still using it and it's not right.

It may be in his culture to guilt your family into paying his family a dowry for him marrying you but the bottom line is that even if you are from culturally similar backgrounds this kind of "dowry by guilt" acquisition is something that you are NOT comfortable with (and justifiably so) so clearly it's NOT right for you at all.

This life is NOT the life you have envisioned for yourself and you should not settle for it. The sooner you are out of this marriage the better off you AND your family will be. Don't give him time to contest the prenup and certainly don't give him any clue about your fears cause he will use more manipulation tools to make you feel guilty again and will continue to do so until he gets his way. You or your family have done nothing to feel guilty about and you shouldn't have to go through life feeling guilty just because you have more than his family.

You will feel a lot better if you have a lawyer look at that prenup and make sure it can't be tampered with or contested. It will give you peace of mind not only for yourself but for your parents too.

I wish you the best of luck and will be watching for further updates.

[paojack 41]

Honestly if I were you I would run, run away as fast as possible. It might be really hard to accept it right now but you will be glad you did in the future. I am sure you deserve a better man. Good luck!

[TBoneTX 45,663]

he says it may be possible that he may choose not to come to the US afterall, as he doesn't know if this is something he can agree with or not.

Oh, how royally magnaminous of him.

OP, have you not yet studied leeches in medical school?

[Jo&Si 9]

rkk it's good to get an update from you. With all that's going on in your life I'm sure those of us who are following your story appreciate your effort to come here and give us updates.

Unfortunately I'm seeing more red flags here. Your husband is a master at manipulation. As it has been noted here by yourself and other posters here he changes his tack to suit his agenda. He has no shame (or scruples) to use your father to instill guilt. I find it disturbing that they talk privately. It gives your husband the opportunity to instill yet more guilt to your father by convincing him that he (your husband) is being sooooo patient with you and your family and willing to undergo many sacrifices to himself and his family (I can hear the violins from here) to make this marriage work. Of course anyway he puts this will make you and your family feel guilty..... "You have so much and we have so little"... yada yada - THAT"S NOT YOUR FAULT rkk so don't feel guilty about that!!!

More and more you are thinking about what I and others here see as an inevitable split. You've even mentioned divorce so are obviously considering that too. I think you know in your heart that you can't be happy in this relationship. Your goals are for a successful and secure future. He can't see past his own family moving here. You come second. With all your hard work that you and your family planned for and are putting in for your good future, you deserve to be first in someone's life. You don't deserve to be used as a meal ticket which is I think how you yourself are starting to feel.

You are already thinking about divorce and how he "could" cause trouble by contesting a prenup. With that in mind you and your family should cover yourselves BEFORE he can act on such fears. Listen to your gut and don't be "charmed" by his charismatic manipulations. The best con men use such tactics as their tools and weapons to fulfill their own ambitions. If he comes here and gets his green card you and your family will be responsible for him and he will use that too to his advantage. He is trying to keep the peace until he can acquire his GC and even saying that he agrees that you may have to go separate ways is playing into his hands by making you feel guilty (AGAIN) for not trying harder on your part to "save the marriage". After all, in his mind, he's doing everything he can but "I'm doing everything I can but my life is so difficult here - we don't have money for this or that". Oh he may not say these things in so many words but the installation of the guilt is the intent and he's playing the guilt card every chance he gets. Even if you don't see it every time he's still using it and it's not right.

It may be in his culture to guilt your family into paying his family a dowry for him marrying you but the bottom line is that even if you are from culturally similar backgrounds this kind of "dowry by guilt" acquisition is something that you are NOT comfortable with (and justifiably so) so clearly it's NOT right for you at all.

This life is NOT the life you have envisioned for yourself and you should not settle for it. The sooner you are out of this marriage the better off you AND your family will be. Don't give him time to contest the prenup and certainly don't give him any clue about your fears cause he will use more manipulation tools to make you feel guilty again and will continue to do so until he gets his way. You or your family have done nothing to feel guilty about and you shouldn't have to go through life feeling guilty just because you have more than his family.

You will feel a lot better if you have a lawyer look at that prenup and make sure it can't be tampered with or contested. It will give you peace of mind not only for yourself but for your parents too.

I wish you the best of luck and will be watching for further updates.

I totally agree. I especially don't like the private talking with your parents. That should stop now!

I can relate very well to that.

My ex used to that during all the duration of my first marriage. During that time, I would not say anything to my parents for the same reasons than you.

What happen? When we got divorce. My father didn't talk to me during a year. I was the bad person because I had never complained about my husband. So everything was supposed to be fine! I had to move by myself without any help with my 2 1/2 years old daughter. I could not go see my family but my ex after a month of our separation, would go visit my parents with his new girlfriend. I had no more family and no more parents.

This situation is getting a lot worse. He manipulates more. He keeps changing his tune. You can't trust him!!!!!!!

You got very good advice here from different persons from different culture. I won't add anything else. Except that you should RUN!!!!!!!

If not, you will put you and your family in a nightmare!

Good luck

jo

[rlogan 2,036]

I especially don't like the private talking with your parents.

The patient is terminal and life support should be removed.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

My husband has sent me a couple of emails a short while ago. He didn't mention our nasty argument at all, but simply wrote me about the status/tracking updates of the mail he sent me (with the tax documents). I wrote him back "thank you". And he wrote me back saying "You are welcome" and gave me some more shipping info. I don't know if he's going to bring up the issue or expects me to... but right now, I'm still too upset to speak with him. I need time apart. If this continues, I don't know if our marriage will make it. I still think he's a wonderful guy with lots of potential, but if he continues to deal with conflict in such a bad way - it's going to cause major rifts between us. If he's simply willing to learn to communicate with me better and willing to understand that I think differently than him (having lived in a different culture), I think we can live happily together. Even though he is usually very sweet to me, he holds deep seated resentment and grudges, which comes out any time we have disagreements. I really don't know what to think right now....

I do not know anything about your case but I have three brothers who are physicians. The residency is long and hard and not high paying and requires a LOT of your time. Your husband sounds too selfish for this. One thing in marriage is that people must have a common goal and common beliefs on life in general. What will you work together toward? You will never be anything but competition for what he wants and you will both be miserable. Don't even think about the demands of children. There are plenty of men that would be happy to have a wife that is a doctor and be willing to sacrifice to acheive that and help her toward her goal. Especially a woman that is willing to reciprocate.

Cut your losses.

Edited April 14, 2012 by Gary and Alla

[Confused 2 94]

You have to make a decision and live with it rkk1. Can you put up with everything and still be happy in this marriage? YES - Go ahead and bring him here and then live your life and be happy. NO - End it now before its too late.

You have expectations from him and they are perfectly valid in your mind but so are his in his mind. No one will change because no one thinks they are wrong. Either convince him that he is completely wrong and he has to live and do what you say is ok (won't happen) or you accept that you are wrong and live the way he wants you to. Can you?

[Flames9_RN 358]

Of course we all do not know the whole picture, but what you have wrote, it looks like a very bleak picture. As they say love blinds all! As you have read the vast majority saw end it now, but thats ur call. Just as it will be in many critical decisions when ur a DR (depending which field you goto) YOU have to make the decision!!!

[Darnell 8,478]

A general comment -

I say Love Can Be Blinding

and then one is decapitated.

I think she's headed down this road, for the nonce.

I pray she makes the right decision, soonish.

[Flames9_RN 358]

A general comment -

I say Love Can Be Blinding

and then one is decapitated.

I think she's headed down this road, for the nonce.

I pray she makes the right decision, soonish.

Not to be rude, but her decision does not affect (or is it effect,lol) us...........it affects HER!! Our lives go on, and this post fades into the background. But for her, she either ends up happy or very sad.

[Darnell 8,478]

or decapitated (metaphorically?)

I am sorry, I've read her posts here for some time, since she started posting about her troubles with 'this' man - not just in this topic.

I can understand yer POV, but it's not mine, alas.

Have a great weekend !

[Flames9_RN 358]

or decapitated (metaphorically?)

I am sorry, I've read her posts here for some time, since she started posting about her troubles with 'this' man - not just in this topic.

I can understand yer POV, but it's not mine, alas.

Have a great weekend !

I didn't mean my post in a disrespectful way toward you, sorry if it took that tone. It sure does not sound like a promising, healthy relationship! I realize different cultures have different ways of doing things, and I respect that--does not mean I would accept that! And I am not saying all Indian men are like him,lol But what I was hinting at--it all comes down to her, she has to make the decision! When it boils down to it, a week or so from now, 99% of us will forget this post ever existed and carry on with our lives!

[rkk1 34]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Just to clarify - my husband isn't the one who started the communication with my parents behind my back. My parents are the ones who regularly call my husband at least once a week to chat (as he cannot call my parents' home phone since they have a blocked number). My parents and my husband are all close, just as I get along well with his parents too. It's really important to my parents to be able to call my husband, as they have told me they want to have a good relationship with him. He also enjoys their calls too. During our engagement time, I was upset with my parents for giving money to my husband's family without my approval, and I told my parents that if they went behind my back again then I would request them to stop calling my husband as well. My dad got really miffed and was like "We want to have a good relationship with our son-in-law. Don't take that away from us." So I haven't said anything since, and have been fine with them keeping in touch.

My husband also took a step further and had a long talk with his brother about financial stuff. He told his brother that he wasn't sure if we'd be able to send them money home every month. Although it doesn't seem my father-in-law is planning on working, my brother-in-law said that he would make ends meet. He was talking to my husband about ways he could increase his income to take care of their family expenses. So it looks like they may not expect us to send money home each month after all.

Edited April 15, 2012 by rkk1