sending money to his family (long)

[Laser1 63]

Get practice using this one word for those requests. He and his family will understand it, and it will not hurt their feelings: No

Edited March 30, 2012 by Laser1

[aaydrian 479]

RKK, I have been reading your posts for a while now but I never really felt the need to reply because you are already getting wonderful advice from everyone else here. As a 3rd person, who has heard only your side of the story, here are the Red Flags I have observed so far:

K

1) You felt like he pushed you towards a commitment too fast and you felt uneasy about that. For crying out loud, he had to ask you 30 times before you said yes!!!! As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuitions. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, don't try to explain it away. You have no regrets now, but remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase. Of course everything is hunky dory when you go to visit him because you guys are going to be on your best behavior because it is another mini-honeymoon. And I strongly believe that this is not cultural. My Indian parents dated for 11 years before they got married, and this was back in the 70's. I know several Indian people who dated for many many years or had extended engagements and did not rush into marriage just because their parents approved and the stars aligned the right way.

2) You feel like he is too clingy and that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, listen to your gut.

3)He holds grudges. This means that your fights never get resolved. It just gets buried till the next big fight for it to rear it's ugly head. Big no no.

4) He feels like he is being enslaved. This is a very dangerous feeling because whether his feelings are justified or not, he will eventually try to break free from his "enslavement". His feelings might not seem logical to you, but those are his feelings and they are quite real to him.

5) "But he loves me and treats me better than anyone else has in the past!" As a previous poster mentioned, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. The person who coined the phrase "love conquers all" needs to have their head examined.

6) He uses guilt to get his way with you. This is extremely manipulative, and normal people do not do things like that.

7) He has no qualms about changing the rules of the game whenever it suits him. This is called Bait & Switch, and I don't see how you can trust a person like that. Keep in mind, people change and grow as they become older & wiser. But it is a serious red flag where he will tell you one thing and change his mind a few days/months later when he decides that it is not in HIS (not yours & not both of you as a couple, but only his) best interests. I remember you commenting in your previous thread about his parents visiting that he agreed to you at first knowing that he can get you to change your mind after the wedding. Again, this is super manipulative.

8) He gets depressed & cries when his friends remind him that he got no dowry from your family. Seriously.. yuck. Read between the lines, he is marrying up and makes no balls about it. On top of that, he gets sad that he is not getting more out of this marriage?

9) Entitlement issues. I dont understand this.. You owe his family a car because your dad bought you one, and now he needs to get his family one to help them to keep up with the Jones? I honestly can't believe a grown adult man would say something like this to his wife. You owe him NOTHING. Even if he had to sell his left kidney to be with you, it does not entitle him to send you into more debt. As someone who has been paying student loans for 3 years now and still have not made a dent, I can tell you that you will end up resenting him for this later on. Trust me RKK, my loans are not nearly as bad as yours but it is extremely frustrating to see the balance inching down at a snail's pace.

10) ME ME ME ME ME: This whole saga seems like how it is always about his ego & his need to help his family rather than your needs or even his parents needs (unless they are secretly demanding he does all this behind your back).

These are just a couple of points I see aside from the most obvious things that everyone else has mentioned. Only you can decide how much you will put up. His family & friends might tell you how lucky you are to marry him, but remember only you get to see a side of him that nobody else does. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run.

Edited for Grammar.

Damn good stuff. Her husband reminds me of and ex: clingy, whiny, manipulative, too emotional, proposed too early and a whole lot of etc. It got to the point where I was suffocating & I couldn't sleep so I broke it off. The key reason was I looked down the road and saw his happiness but not mine.

The OP needs to solve the financial differences between her & her husband, because that's the balls buster of most failed marriages.

I don't give a damn what culture you practice, your immediate family (kids & spouse) takes priority over your extended family (parents, siblings). Settle the needs of your home before you go and help others. As for the parents staying for 6 months...hell no. They can stay for 3 months tops (can't be too selfish).

Compromise where you can and if neither of you are bending, then you know what the next step is.

Edited March 30, 2012 by aaydrian

[Sandra G. 5,054]

A few weeks ago he said about to bring his parents EVERY YEAR FOR SIX month to be with you guys, after a while he said about the possibility to bring his brother to study in the USA.I said before and I repeat myself as soon he becomes US Citizen he will bring the WHOLE family to live in the USA.He needs to realize he will have a life with you soon and you should come first in his life, period!!!!. He can help his family of course sending $200/$300 monthly more than that I think is ridiculous, to say the least.

[Marlon&Fallon 13]

I think some people who posted are a bit too quick to jump to certain conclusions. It's a bit unfair, as you don't know the entirety of their situation. Not because her husband has his share of faults and may have gone about things in an unconventional way means that he is not sincere in the relationship.

Too often when people talk about their relationship problems, people frequently make too much of an extreme analysis of one party. There are NO PERFECT relationships/marriages. Everybody has their faults. Therefore, we can't use a persons faults in all cases to question their sincerity. As the OP pointed out, a lot of things could just be down to her husbands lack of experience with relationships and their cultural differences.

It's important we try to be as neutral as possible, instead of trying to sow more doubts in the OP's mind, since we don't have a comprehensive knowledge of their marriage. If anything, we should be seeing how best we can help her to move towards resolving whatever conflict they are having. Just my two cents. - Marlon (husband).

Edited March 30, 2012 by Marlon&Fallon

[Ontarkie 14,324]

I keep wanting to tell you to wake up and see what you are saying to us, but I keep deleting it. I don't think you want to listen to your head, and you're trying to wish away all the red flags that are popping up in your head.

[Divs 35]

RKK, I have been reading your posts for a while now but I never really felt the need to reply because you are already getting wonderful advice from everyone else here. As a 3rd person, who has heard only your side of the story, here are the Red Flags I have observed so far:

1) You felt like he pushed you towards a commitment too fast and you felt uneasy about that. For crying out loud, he had to ask you 30 times before you said yes!!!! As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuitions. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, don't try to explain it away. You have no regrets now, but remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase. Of course everything is hunky dory when you go to visit him because you guys are going to be on your best behavior because it is another mini-honeymoon. And I strongly believe that this is not cultural. My Indian parents dated for 11 years before they got married, and this was back in the 70's. I know several Indian people who dated for many many years or had extended engagements and did not rush into marriage just because their parents approved and the stars aligned the right way.

2) You feel like he is too clingy and that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, listen to your gut.

3)He holds grudges. This means that your fights never get resolved. It just gets buried till the next big fight for it to rear it's ugly head. Big no no.

4) He feels like he is being enslaved. This is a very dangerous feeling because whether his feelings are justified or not, he will eventually try to break free from his "enslavement". His feelings might not seem logical to you, but those are his feelings and they are quite real to him.

5) "But he loves me and treats me better than anyone else has in the past!" As a previous poster mentioned, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. The person who coined the phrase "love conquers all" needs to have their head examined.

6) He uses guilt to get his way with you. This is extremely manipulative, and normal people do not do things like that.

7) He has no qualms about changing the rules of the game whenever it suits him. This is called Bait & Switch, and I don't see how you can trust a person like that. Keep in mind, people change and grow as they become older & wiser. But it is a serious red flag where he will tell you one thing and change his mind a few days/months later when he decides that it is not in HIS (not yours & not both of you as a couple, but only his) best interests. I remember you commenting in your previous thread about his parents visiting that he agreed to you at first knowing that he can get you to change your mind after the wedding. Again, this is super manipulative.

8) He gets depressed & cries when his friends remind him that he got no dowry from your family. Seriously.. yuck. Read between the lines, he is marrying up and makes no balls about it. On top of that, he gets sad that he is not getting more out of this marriage?

9) Entitlement issues. I dont understand this.. You owe his family a car because your dad bought you one, and now he needs to get his family one to help them to keep up with the Jones? I honestly can't believe a grown adult man would say something like this to his wife. You owe him NOTHING. Even if he had to sell his left kidney to be with you, it does not entitle him to send you into more debt. As someone who has been paying student loans for 3 years now and still have not made a dent, I can tell you that you will end up resenting him for this later on. Trust me RKK, my loans are not nearly as bad as yours but it is extremely frustrating to see the balance inching down at a snail's pace.

10) ME ME ME ME ME: This whole saga seems like how it is always about his ego & his need to help his family rather than your needs or even his parents needs (unless they are secretly demanding he does all this behind your back).

These are just a couple of points I see aside from the most obvious things that everyone else has mentioned. Only you can decide how much you will put up. His family & friends might tell you how lucky you are to marry him, but remember only you get to see a side of him that nobody else does. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run.

Edited for Grammar.

I couldn't agree with you more. You've really nailed it, point by point. I think the OP really needs to give it a lot of thought! We can only tell you that much, it's you who's to take a decision.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Divs

[AmyWrites 593]

I don't see this ending well. Couples need to agree on certain things in order to succeed, and money is a big one. He seems like a nice enough person (only read the OP), but his sense of finance isn't very good, and he sounds like a person who loves guilt tripping, which to me, points to an immature man and thus an immature husband. I don't know what to say, maybe marriage counseling, or meet with a financial advisor?

[Klaxi 9]

It is late now to say that you should think about all the major issues BEFORE getting married. That is why between 32-55% of marriages end in divorce. This is the sad reality about marriages today.

You disagree about almost every important issue! How come you haven't noticed that before?

I will just say that it shouldn't be that difficult at all, not at the beginning. The whole life is ahead of you, and you will have more and more problems to deal with. Your life together has just began, and if there is love and understanding, and respect above all... everything can be solved. Good luck to you!

[Mike B. 231]

I think some people who posted are a bit too quick to jump to certain conclusions. It's a bit unfair, as you don't know the entirety of their situation. Not because her husband has his share of faults and may have gone about things in an unconventional way means that he is not sincere in the relationship.

Too often when people talk about their relationship problems, people frequently make too much of an extreme analysis of one party. There are NO PERFECT relationships/marriages. Everybody has their faults. Therefore, we can't use a persons faults in all cases to question their sincerity. As the OP pointed out, a lot of things could just be down to her husbands lack of experience with relationships and their cultural differences.

It's important we try to be as neutral as possible, instead of trying to sow more doubts in the OP's mind, since we don't have a comprehensive knowledge of their marriage. If anything, we should be seeing how best we can help her to move towards resolving whatever conflict they are having. Just my two cents. - Marlon (husband).

She's $200,000 in debt, he wants her to buy his family members a car, and you think people are being too judgmental?!?!?!

Attention people who are still wondering why the financial system and housing market in this country totally collapsed: look no further.

[Darnell 8,478]

I say wait 2 weeks till talking with him again, put yer skype on 'ignore' for his account.

IMO, this is just another issue in your long line of issues, and you've chosen to not resolve the issues prior. He needs time to consult with his mentors about what to do - silence from you is perfect at this stage.

Two Weeks.

Then have another go.

FWIW, Nina- has said everything I wanted to say, save for the 'wait 2 weeks' bit.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Darnell

[aaydrian 479]

She's $200,000 in debt, he wants her to buy his family members a car, and you think people are being too judgmental?!?!?!

Attention people who are still wondering why the financial system and housing market in this country totally collapsed: look no further.

Lmao

The Browns (Singhs in this case) wanting to imitate the Jones'.

[Marlon&Fallon 13]

She's $200,000 in debt, he wants her to buy his family members a car, and you think people are being too judgmental?!?!?!

Attention people who are still wondering why the financial system and housing market in this country totally collapsed: look no further.

My point is, we don't know the whole story, so we should just remain balance in our assessment of the situation rather than be so quick to jump to certain conclusions. If they went before a marriage counselor, he/she would wait until both sides have been heard fairly before arriving at a conclusion.

They have already gone through the dating/courting phase and are now married, which makes things a lot more complected, so it's better to stick through the lows and see how things can be improved than to be ready to jump ship at every sign of trouble.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Marlon&Fallon

[Darnell 8,478]

My point is, we don't know the whole story, so we should just remain balance in our assessment of the situation rather than be so quick to jump to certain conclusions. If they went before a marriage counselor, he/she would wait until both sides have been heard fairly before arriving at a conclusion.

They have already gone through the dating/courting phase and are now married, which makes things a lot more complected, so it's better to stick through the lows and see how things can be improved than to be ready to jump ship at every sign of trouble.

But - you could learn the whole story.

It's easy to do - just study ALL of her prior posts, you'll find the whole story interspersed across her basic questions.

[Lisamarie 79]

Right on

RKK, I have been reading your posts for a while now but I never really felt the need to reply because you are already getting wonderful advice from everyone else here. As a 3rd person, who has heard only your side of the story, here are the Red Flags I have observed so far:

1) You felt like he pushed you towards a commitment too fast and you felt uneasy about that. For crying out loud, he had to ask you 30 times before you said yes!!!! As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuitions. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, don't try to explain it away. You have no regrets now, but remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase. Of course everything is hunky dory when you go to visit him because you guys are going to be on your best behavior because it is another mini-honeymoon. And I strongly believe that this is not cultural. My Indian parents dated for 11 years before they got married, and this was back in the 70's. I know several Indian people who dated for many many years or had extended engagements and did not rush into marriage just because their parents approved and the stars aligned the right way.

2) You feel like he is too clingy and that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, listen to your gut.

3)He holds grudges. This means that your fights never get resolved. It just gets buried till the next big fight for it to rear it's ugly head. Big no no.

4) He feels like he is being enslaved. This is a very dangerous feeling because whether his feelings are justified or not, he will eventually try to break free from his "enslavement". His feelings might not seem logical to you, but those are his feelings and they are quite real to him.

5) "But he loves me and treats me better than anyone else has in the past!" As a previous poster mentioned, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. The person who coined the phrase "love conquers all" needs to have their head examined.

6) He uses guilt to get his way with you. This is extremely manipulative, and normal people do not do things like that.

7) He has no qualms about changing the rules of the game whenever it suits him. This is called Bait & Switch, and I don't see how you can trust a person like that. Keep in mind, people change and grow as they become older & wiser. But it is a serious red flag where he will tell you one thing and change his mind a few days/months later when he decides that it is not in HIS (not yours & not both of you as a couple, but only his) best interests. I remember you commenting in your previous thread about his parents visiting that he agreed to you at first knowing that he can get you to change your mind after the wedding. Again, this is super manipulative.

8) He gets depressed & cries when his friends remind him that he got no dowry from your family. Seriously.. yuck. Read between the lines, he is marrying up and makes no balls about it. On top of that, he gets sad that he is not getting more out of this marriage?

9) Entitlement issues. I dont understand this.. You owe his family a car because your dad bought you one, and now he needs to get his family one to help them to keep up with the Jones? I honestly can't believe a grown adult man would say something like this to his wife. You owe him NOTHING. Even if he had to sell his left kidney to be with you, it does not entitle him to send you into more debt. As someone who has been paying student loans for 3 years now and still have not made a dent, I can tell you that you will end up resenting him for this later on. Trust me RKK, my loans are not nearly as bad as yours but it is extremely frustrating to see the balance inching down at a snail's pace.

10) ME ME ME ME ME: This whole saga seems like how it is always about his ego & his need to help his family rather than your needs or even his parents needs (unless they are secretly demanding he does all this behind your back).

These are just a couple of points I see aside from the most obvious things that everyone else has mentioned. Only you can decide how much you will put up. His family & friends might tell you how lucky you are to marry him, but remember only you get to see a side of him that nobody else does. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run.

Edited for Grammar.

[Laveau 67]

I'm trying to see Peter Pan's side but rkk1's husband response to not getting money for a car...

I'm sorry I have no advice to offer you, rkk1, but what TBone posted makes the most sense to me.