sending money to his family (long)

[Xanax 349]

Hi again OP, firstly, I think it is great that you are trying to work on your issues with your husband.

Secondly, I think what Tbone was saying was not to deal with your problems, later, but that you should have dealt with them before the marriage, so I think you guys are on the same wavelength there

Thirdly, a relationship can only work if it is a two-way street. If all communication has broken down to the point where you are taking a break or having "space" you guys need to start again.

Ask him what he wants, how he sees it working.

You guys need to find a middle ground rather than one person always compromising.

It seems he feels that he should get what he wants as he is moving to be with you and you feel it should be your way cause you are giving him "more opportunities".

I would love to see what he says if you follow my advice, ask him to do the budget, ask him what he wants etc.

If you cannot resolved things it might be easier and to dissolve things, but you have said you love him and I do hope you can reach a happy medium.

[Divs 35]

Could you give me some background as to how you met your husband, pl? It'd help a great deal.

Based on what I've read, there are a few thoughts coming to mind. Please do not take any of that as criticism. Not talking about issues you have now could spell trouble in big and bold letters for you in the future. You need to sort 'em out NOW. I was married to a man for 6-1/2 years, where I took complete financial responsibility for the two of us. We had been living in two different cities, and he moved to mine when we married, whereas I was thinking of moving to his. I was 27 then and working and earning pretty well. He, on the other hand, gave up everything and moved over to my city, where all he did in those years was to sit at home and do nothing. Even though I had issues with it, I didn't raise it for a very long time, which resulted in me becoming a bitter person. There came a point where I couldn't take it anymore, which is how I came to a decision to call it quits.

Your situation is not similar to what mine was, but what I really mean to say here is that if there are issues, you need to sort them NOW. Experience has taught me that just love is not enough in a relationship. Love comprises a major part of it, but there are other things to consider too. No two individuals are the same, and especially in your case, there's a huge cultural difference too, which is only to be expected. I get the feeling that neither of you gave it much thought until after you got married. Perhaps, you should have. Also, a relationship is based on trust, respect, and understanding. One is not independent of the other. Very practically speaking, this issue needs to be sorted out one way or the other now before it's too late. What if after he's joined you there, you realize that perhaps he isn't what you had expected him to be? Don't get me wrong, but I think you should think as much with your head as with your heart.

Both of you need to put things in perspective and see how it works out best for you. Remember, your life is yours and only you can decide what's best for you. If you want to make this work, both of you'll need to sit down and sort out your differences and work on it now; if not, you might as well part ways before it's too late.

This is no criticism, and I'm no one to judge. I'm just a third person who's thinking logically and practically, just cos it's easier being the third person. Only the two of you know what you're going through. No matter what the situation, I only hope that you're strong enough to deal with it any which way you decide. God bless!!!

[rkk1 34]

That still means putting his life on hold indefinitely until you manage to sort out yours. And what happens if you split in 5 years' time? He would have gotten nothing, basically. You wait until I settle my life, then you can go to school too doesn't sound too wow to me, honestly.

I say that the best way to deal with this would be to take the loan out of your paycheck, then mingle the finances. You make 5,000 per month, put aside 2,500 and bring home the rest and see what your husband makes and take it from there.

He might have known beforehand, but we are still humans, we don't react perfectly. He hold grudges and resentments and we have loyalties. I am in a serious committed relationship for some years now, yet the most important person for me remains the woman who brought me up, and that will only change the moment I have children.

Thanks for the counter-perspective. There are many good points here. You are right that it is a sacrifice again for my husband. When he was younger, he studied accounting in college, and he really liked it. But after going to law and business school in India, he realized he liked that even more. In many ways, coming here is an act of love for me, as his degrees don't transfer here. The only coursework that can transfer is his accounting courses. So he can take a CPA exam without additional coursework here and work as an accountant without needing to go through further education here (since his law and business degrees aren't recognized here). Another issue is that right now there is a surplus of lawyers in the US who aren't finding jobs. While lawyers can get paid a lot more than accountants overall ($110k average for lawyers vs $60k for accountants), the difference is that there are many more job openings currently in accounting vs law. Once I graduate from medical school I won't know where I will have to relocate for my 4 year training period (in which I will only make about $40k, not at all a full doctor's salary.) So ultimately it forces my husband to just have to put his preferences aside and just work as an accountant until I can finish my training (by 2018) and start work as a full-fledged doctor back in my home city. If he wanted to start law school earlier than that he could, but it might require us living apart for a few years - which would also complicate things if we have a child together. Yes all this sucks for him, but I don't know what other options there are (though I'm totally open as I do care for his happiness, contrary to what you might think).

As far as your idea of me paying the $2,500/month out of my own salary, I'm not sure it would work. Here's why: When I graduate from med school in 2014, I will be making about $40k per year on my resident physician's salary (the training would be about 3-4 years, making this much per year before I could make a better income). Let's say my husband has his $60k per year accountant job. Within 6 months of graduation, I have to start paying off that $200k of debt at about 7% interest. Even if I put my entire salary into my loans and lived off of my husband's income, it still wouldn't full be enough. After taxes are cut from my salary, I'd barely be covering the interest gained on my loans with very limited cuts into the premium... which would not make the minimum requirements by the government. There are provisions for many doctors to pay back loans based on their limited early salary (although the interest dollars would continue to skyrocket at their current rate), but I don't know if I'd quality for this as the government would consider our married income ($40k + $60k) rather than my income alone ($40k) when determining the minimum of what I have to repay in loans.

[mimicoco 5]

I read your story and, as a woman i'm upset too by the attitude of your husband.

it's clear that he wants to take advantage of you. someone reasonable will not ask you to pay him a car with all financials help you are already doing.

how does he manage to be a student and in the same time being sending money to his familly and take care of your home charges and couple? it seems to me that he wants you to do all that and his money will be to send to his familly only. he just see you as a"pocket money"

there are priorities in the life, and it's clear that his familly is a priority on you and your couple.

i will advice you to have seperate accounts and to establish domestic charges for each person.and he can do what he wants with the rest of his money. and at this point this is equal to equal ( which for me is still not normal, because the man should be the main financial support of the familly and in your case, it's you the woman doing that job) and someone reasonable should be proud because you are really generous with him.

(excuse my english i'm french-speaking)

[Divs 35]

I read your story and, as a woman i'm upset too by the attitude of your husband.

it's clear that he wants to take advantage of you. someone reasonable will not ask you to pay him a car with all financials help you are already doing.

how does he manage to be a student and in the same time being sending money to his familly and take care of your home charges and couple? it seems to me that he wants you to do all that and his money will be to send to his familly only. he just see you as a"pocket money"

there are priorities in the life, and it's clear that his familly is a priority on you and your couple.

i will advice you to have seperate accounts and to establish domestic charges for each person.and he can do what he wants with the rest of his money. and at this point this is equal to equal ( which for me is still not normal, because the man should be the main financial support of the familly and in your case, it's you the woman doing that job) and someone reasonable should be proud because you are really generous with him.

(excuse my english i'm french-speaking)

Please don't be so quick to judge. There are always two sides to a coin.

[mimicoco 5]

Please don't be so quick to judge. There are always two sides to a coin.

She tried to explain exactly what the story is, and based on that i said what i'm thinking about and really it's not normal this attitude.and it's not because of the cultural differencies,in all societies husband should take care of his wife (even in India it's like this) not the contrary.

i understand that she helps because she has a better situation than her husband but he doesn't have to take advange of the situation.

[rkk1 34]

Hi Divs, you can read about our relationship progression in my signature. If you specifically want to know how we met, then I'll tell you that we originally started communication in one of those Indian relationship sites. I was looking for a man of Indian-origin living in the US. He was one of the people who expressed an interest to me on that site. At first, I didn't take it seriously as I had no intention of meeting someone across the planet. But he seemed sweet. So I just started occasional chats with him as a pen-pal (online) buddy. However, I started enjoying talking to him. Over time, we became closer. He had his faults... he was overly enthusiastic and a bit clingy, and wanted to push me into a relationship too fast (which made me uncomfortable). However, I realized that despite all this, he had a very gentle and innocent heart. I realized that his clinginess was due to his relationship inexperience and not because there was anything wrong with him (as he was more loving and kind to me than any man I'd been with).

We met in the summer of 2011 (by that time we were talking a few times each day online and on phone). He picked me up from the airport right when I arrived in India, and every moment with him was bliss. I had also gone to India to the south to stay in a spiritual center, and since he was living in north India - he kept flying back and forth to see me anytime he could get off from his work. He ended up taking too much time off work (and lost his job) to be with me, but it gave us a chance to get very close. He started proposing to me within a few weeks of us being together, which made me uncomfortable as its not done like that in American culture. However, in Indian culture, people get into arranged marriages within a few hours of knowing one another, so he didn't think he was doing anything all that unusual, as we had been in regular communication for months and I had spend days at his family's home as well. My family came to India from the US, as they got to know I was seriously considering marrying this guy. They spent time with him and really liked him. His family was wonderful to me as well. The only thing I didn't like was the marriage pressure from his family, but I realized that is how it is done in their society. I eventually consented to marrying him after he asked me at least 30 times.

Despite my initial discomfort with being pressured into things, I haven't had any regrets. I would have waited longer before getting married, but I still think he was a good choice for me. He is wonderful in many ways, and treats me better than any guy I've ever dated. Our times together have been nothing short of amazing. He is very loving, buys me roses, and sweet gifts etc. He enjoys cooking and makes me nice things to eat. He loves to show me off to his friends, and I've heard his friends (as well as other random acquaintances we bumped into) telling me how lucky I am to have married such a great guy who loves me so much. Even his students know about me, as he tells everyone about me. I adore his family as well as I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. My last visit to India in February after our marriage was excellent. We don't have much problem together in person, but we started having arguments (a few during the course of planning the wedding - which is pretty normal), but most after his mom got sick as it was very stressful for him.)

ANYWAYS, I'm sorry about your situation with your husband not working and depending on you entirely. That is a very difficult situation to be in. That would really bother me. I have no way of knowing whether my husband would do this (i.e. come here and get depressed and homesick and choose not to work), but I truly hope not. My husband tends to enjoy working from home (he currently coaches students, who he teaches in his living/drawing room in his home in India). I don't care as long as he is working. My family always hoped that I would marry another doctor. However, they've come to like my husband and accept our relationship; however, my dad told me once that I may end up being the breadwinner in this relationship. I don't care it my husband doesn't make as much as me when I eventually make a full-fledged doctor's salary. As long as he works and makes a reasonable salary and can do a good share of the household and childrearing stuff (which he has told me he fully plans to do).... that's perfectly fine with me.

Edited March 30, 2012 by rkk1

[Divs 35]

Hi Divs, you can read about our relationship progression in my signature. If you specifically want to know how we met, then I'll tell you that we originally started communication in one of those Indian relationship sites. I was looking for a man of Indian-origin living in the US. He was one of the people who expressed an interest to me on that site. At first, I didn't take it seriously as I had no intention of meeting someone across the planet. But he seemed sweet. So I just started occasional chats with him as a pen-pal (online) buddy. However, I started enjoying talking to him. Over time, we became closer. He had his faults... he was overly enthusiastic and a bit clingy, and wanted to push me into a relationship too fast (which made me uncomfortable). However, I realized that despite all this, he had a very gentle and innocent heart. I realized that his clinginess was due to his relationship inexperience and not because there was anything wrong with him (as he was more loving and kind to me than any man I'd been with).

We met in the summer of 2011 (by that time we were talking a few times each day online and on phone). He picked me up from the airport right when I arrived in India, and every moment with him was bliss. I had also gone to India to the south to stay in a spiritual center, and since he was living in north India - he kept flying back and forth to see me anytime he could get off from his work. He ended up taking too much time off work (and lost his job) to be with me, but it gave us a chance to get very close. He started proposing to me within a few weeks of us being together, which made me uncomfortable as its not done like that in American culture. However, in Indian culture, people get into arranged marriages within a few hours of knowing one another, so he didn't think he was doing anything all that unusual, as we had been in regular communication for months and I had spend days at his family's home as well. My family came to India from the US, as they got to know I was seriously considering marrying this guy. They spent time with him and really liked him. His family was wonderful to me as well. The only thing I didn't like was the marriage pressure from his family, but I realized that is how it is done in their society. I eventually consented to marrying him after he asked me at least 30 times.

Despite my initial discomfort with being pressured into things, I haven't had any regrets. I would have waited longer before getting married, but I still think he was a good choice for me. He is wonderful in many ways, and treats me better than any guy I've ever dated. Our times together have been nothing short of amazing. He is very loving, buys me roses, and sweet gifts etc. He enjoys cooking and makes me nice things to eat. He loves to show me off to his friends, and I've heard his friends (as well as other random acquaintances we bumped into) telling me how lucky I am to have married such a great guy who loves me so much. Even his students know about me, as he tells everyone about me. I adore his family as well as I couldn't have asked for better in-laws. My last visit to India in February after our marriage was excellent. We don't have much problem together in person, but we started having arguments (a few during the course of planning the wedding - which is pretty normal), but most after his mom got sick as it was very stressful for him.)

ANYWAYS, I'm sorry about your situation with your husband not working and depending on you entirely. That is a very difficult situation to be in. That would really bother me. I have no way of knowing whether my husband would do this (i.e. come here and get depressed and homesick and choose not to work), but I truly hope not. My husband tends to enjoy working from home (he currently coaches students, who he teaches in his living/drawing room in his home in India). I don't care as long as he is working. My family always hoped that I would marry another doctor. However, they've come to like my husband and accept our relationship; however, my dad told me once that I may end up being the breadwinner in this relationship. I don't care it my husband doesn't make as much as me when I eventually make a full-fledged doctor's salary. As long as he works and makes a reasonable salary and can do a good share of the household and childrearing stuff (which he has told me he fully plans to do).... that's perfectly fine with me.

Ok, I get the picture. Now this is what I think, and mind you, this is just a third person's view and opinion and nothing you should go by. I'd still like for you to read through it.

I'm the beneficiary here, and my current husband the USC. Like the two of you, we met through and online portal too. I've lived in India all my life, have never been anywhere except to China and Hong Kong, that too as my brother was working there. I for the life of me never imagined that I'd ever be married to someone on the other side of the planet, but here we are. Perhaps because of what came before, but the best thing in our relationship so far has been the fact that we were very open with each other as to our views on various subjects, and we knew exactly what we wanted. We spent a lot of time and energy discussing our views on personal as well as random subjects, which helped us get to know each other better. Despite all this, I'd say we've just touched the tip of the iceberg. There's an amazing chemistry, and there's also a huge plus that we both respect each other immensely. I wouldn't, for the life of me, want to live with a man who doesn't respect me or who cannot earn my respect.

Any relationship will have its set of misunderstandings, compromises, and what not, but the one thing that really would help it is being able to sit down like adults and discuss your differences of opinion. You are two very different individuals with two hugely different cultural backgrounds, and it's imperative that both of you meet on common ground. One can't be the giver and the other the taker all the time. The roles have to be reversed as and when required. I'd say, if there's an issue, sort it, argue about it, do whatever, but let the other person know that you have issues. No amount of shouting or yelling is gonna be of any help, and I personally am against it. Sit down like two calm adults and discuss issues with each other. Despite repeated attempts, if you still don't see eye to eye on any subject, then it may not be worth your while.

While on the one hand I hope and pray that things go well for you, there's a part of me that's been through some serious **** to know that sometimes it's easier to let go than to hold on to something. I'm sending you a linking that may or may not help you, but nevertheless is worth a look-see. Would really appreciate it if you'd read thru and try to make some sense of it.

God bless you, and if you ever wanna shoot the breeze, we're all here not to judge, but to be able to hold each other's hands in times such as this.

Here's the link I was talking about. http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

[anita_t 4]

Rkk I just wanted to say that I think you are a very realistic and a level-headed person. I believe you are correct in your reasoning and your husbands reaction is something to worry about. He trying to guilt you into a decision and that's is so wrong. Is that the way you will be wanting to make all your decisions in the future?

Me and my husband come from different countries but that doesn't have much to do with the way we handle our finances. It takes work and communication to get on the same page and most of all emphaty, which your future spouse seems to be lacking. Once his here everything things will be much more difficult and you will clash about money issues everyday.

I hope you will think this through and get to compromise.

Best of luck

[catknit 144]

Glad to see the trip was good! I'm sure it helped you reconnect some and that is incredibly important in LDRs.

Given his accounting background, spreadsheets are your friend!

Cold hard numbers are where it's at to truly show the conundrum you may be facing financially.

Mock up a couple of scenarios, you know that your residency will pay about $40,000/per for a few years. The "unknown" is his contribution to the household - but never fear, that's why excel has tabs on the bottom.

It will take a little time to do, put sketch out in real numbers a year with only your $40k, a year where he makes $35k, $45k, $55k in combination. Make sure you highlight on these annual budgets things like roundtrip airfare to India at least once a year. Also, go ahead and plug in a number for the loan payback based on one of the online loan calculators. Don't forget all the other "stuff" - car insurance, utilities, food budget, savings plans [like kicking in cash to an emergency fund]...

This will help it "sink in".

My husband came here with 2 graduate degrees [top tier schools] and a stellar work history for India [he works in healthcare admin and was the youngest hospital admin in the history of one of the largest hospital groups in India]. He spent a year looking for work, sent out hundreds of resumes and only got 7 phone interviews and 2 final interviews. The job he ended up getting is healthcare management but not a perfect fit and pays probably 2/3s of what he would see in a hospital/practice setting [he manages corporate healthcare centers for a company that has in-house doctor hours at factories]. My point to this rambling, even though he wanted to send money home [which he does monthly], he waited until he was employed - and it took awhile for that job to materialize. Plus, any visions of grand sums of money being wired were tempered by what his income ended up being. He may have had some pie-in-the-sky number at some point but his current paycheck is what it is...

Not to add fuel to the fire with your husband, you may want to also talk about when enough is enough. Is he planning on giving an allowance to his family forever? Or, is he looking to make improvements to certain aspects of their life and then chip in on random big purchases/emergencies? In our case, my husband is trying to help make his mom's life more comfortable - she's a widow on a small pension. But, he will not continue to subsidize the family after his mom passes away.

Completely separate subject - but look in the Finding Work in America forum, there have been a handful of topics lately about foreign lawyers practicing in the US and foreign CPAs getting their licenses in the US. I know I commented on one topic about becoming a lawyer in the US - I happen to live in a state where you don't need to go to law school to be admitted to the bar [i think it's the only state like that] but there was another post about being able to transfer a foreign law degree [but maybe only in MA]. Maybe, just maybe, he may not need to get neck-deep in debt to practice law here.

[evelyn1140 18]

My husband has sent me a couple of emails a short while ago. He didn't mention our nasty argument at all, but simply wrote me about the status/tracking updates of the mail he sent me (with the tax documents). I wrote him back "thank you". And he wrote me back saying "You are welcome" and gave me some more shipping info. I don't know if he's going to bring up the issue or expects me to... but right now, I'm still too upset to speak with him. I need time apart. If this continues, I don't know if our marriage will make it. I still think he's a wonderful guy with lots of potential, but if he continues to deal with conflict in such a bad way - it's going to cause major rifts between us. If he's simply willing to learn to communicate with me better and willing to understand that I think differently than him (having lived in a different culture), I think we can live happily together. Even though he is usually very sweet to me, he holds deep seated resentment and grudges, which comes out any time we have disagreements. I really don't know what to think right now....

Well his childish behavior are "red flags" in you relationship. You better make sure if you want to marry him, since you know you will not be able to change him.

[Fight for Love 98]

WOW as in WOW....my dear i hope his not using you. my ONLY advice for you is use your GUTS dear.

this what i hate about people who leave outside the US they thought because you are in the US your just getting that money that easy. wait until they come here and start looking for jobs(if they found one..goodluck) and start dealing with some other mean boss.

Edited March 30, 2012 by takis

[Nina~ 431]

RKK, I have been reading your posts for a while now but I never really felt the need to reply because you are already getting wonderful advice from everyone else here. As a 3rd person, who has heard only your side of the story, here are the Red Flags I have observed so far:

1) You felt like he pushed you towards a commitment too fast and you felt uneasy about that. For crying out loud, he had to ask you 30 times before you said yes!!!! As a woman, you need to learn to trust your intuitions. If you have a gut feeling that something is not right, don't try to explain it away. You have no regrets now, but remember that you are still in the honeymoon phase. Of course everything is hunky dory when you go to visit him because you guys are going to be on your best behavior because it is another mini-honeymoon. And I strongly believe that this is not cultural. My Indian parents dated for 11 years before they got married, and this was back in the 70's. I know several Indian people who dated for many many years or had extended engagements and did not rush into marriage just because their parents approved and the stars aligned the right way.

2) You feel like he is too clingy and that makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, listen to your gut.

3)He holds grudges. This means that your fights never get resolved. It just gets buried till the next big fight for it to rear it's ugly head. Big no no.

4) He feels like he is being enslaved. This is a very dangerous feeling because whether his feelings are justified or not, he will eventually try to break free from his "enslavement". His feelings might not seem logical to you, but those are his feelings and they are quite real to him.

5) "But he loves me and treats me better than anyone else has in the past!" As a previous poster mentioned, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. The person who coined the phrase "love conquers all" needs to have their head examined.

6) He uses guilt to get his way with you. This is extremely manipulative, and normal people do not do things like that.

7) He has no qualms about changing the rules of the game whenever it suits him. This is called Bait & Switch, and I don't see how you can trust a person like that. Keep in mind, people change and grow as they become older & wiser. But it is a serious red flag where he will tell you one thing and change his mind a few days/months later when he decides that it is not in HIS (not yours & not both of you as a couple, but only his) best interests. I remember you commenting in your previous thread about his parents visiting that he agreed to you at first knowing that he can get you to change your mind after the wedding. Again, this is super manipulative.

8) He gets depressed & cries when his friends remind him that he got no dowry from your family. Seriously.. yuck. Read between the lines, he is marrying up and makes no balls about it. On top of that, he gets sad that he is not getting more out of this marriage?

9) Entitlement issues. I dont understand this.. You owe his family a car because your dad bought you one, and now he needs to get his family one to help them to keep up with the Jones? I honestly can't believe a grown adult man would say something like this to his wife. You owe him NOTHING. Even if he had to sell his left kidney to be with you, it does not entitle him to send you into more debt. As someone who has been paying student loans for 3 years now and still have not made a dent, I can tell you that you will end up resenting him for this later on. Trust me RKK, my loans are not nearly as bad as yours but it is extremely frustrating to see the balance inching down at a snail's pace.

10) ME ME ME ME ME: This whole saga seems like how it is always about his ego & his need to help his family rather than your needs or even his parents needs (unless they are secretly demanding he does all this behind your back).

These are just a couple of points I see aside from the most obvious things that everyone else has mentioned. Only you can decide how much you will put up. His family & friends might tell you how lucky you are to marry him, but remember only you get to see a side of him that nobody else does. Only you can decide what is best for you in the long run.

Edited for Grammar.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Nina~

[Deep2009 18]

"Divs" and "rkk1"...

For both of you, I wish best of everything in your life.

Both of you have nailed lot of good points in a relationship, others did very well too.

I don't want to steer the discussion in any other way, keeping my mouth shut.

Good luck

Edited March 30, 2012 by Deep2009

[catknit 144]

Some of this is very cultural - very cultural. As it stands I think rkk1 is trying to manage a tight rope between what would seem extremely strange/bizarre to many of us not familiar with his culture and what happens every day in South Asia. I give her props for trying to make this work knowing she is trying to bridge an enormous gap.

I know many South Asian families who are beyond these things - more progressive - find dowry to be a horrible tradition, send their kids all over the world for school/work, live an almost western life style on the subcontinent. But, I know just as many who are not - most of the things she mentioned are every day lifestyle/culture issues that happen day in, day out in South Asian marriages. To have the groom be "gifted" a car in lieu of dowry is completely on the radar with some families, in some geographical areas, and in some castes...to have a manipulative momma's boy as a son is not uncommon [some would argue WAY too common ]. To try to marry up is extremely common. I had a friend in college of Indian descent who spent weeks in the temple fasting off and on for a good match - her goal [as well as her family's goal] was to marry up. There is a whole host of thousands of years of culture that play out in this type of thing.

That being said, I'd say there are some red flags too. He's going to be an outright handful to deal with. No doubt about that. But, if rkk1 has committed to this relationship and divorce is off the table [which she's mentioned before] then she needs to come up with coping strategies for these issues...