sending money to his family (long)

[rkk1 34]

Unfortunately with manipulators (which I truly believe he is, at least in part) we don't know (I've been there) until they play all their cards. We just go on second guessing ourselves and wondering "what if" and thinking we're crazy and even being TOLD we're crazy, we didn't hear right, or remember right, or we're simply making it up so we start to really wonder whether we can trust our own opinion/memory.

Oh... I have no doubt at all about my husband having manipulative tendencies. He certainly does. That is not something I question at all!

The thing is, children also have manipulative tendencies. They whine, beg, and find other ways to get what they want. That doesn't necessarily make them evil though. Similarly, just because my husband shows evidence of being manipulative, it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love me or want to be a good husband to me. It doesn't automatically mean he has fraudulent intentions towards me.

My husband has many wonderful qualities. He is romantic, very handsome, health conscious, playful, very involved with my life, mild-mannered, hard working, has this childish innocent enthusiasm about most things, encourages me to be my best while rarely being judgmental... and he has a great family who have all embraced me into their flock. There are many things I appreciate about him. On the negative side, he can be somewhat manipulative in his persistence to get what he wants. He also tends to be somewhat impulsive and has issues related to proper planning (he's the kind of guy who goes on a vacation having packed only 1 shirt.... and then does the exact same thing on the next vacation despite having suffered for it on the previous vacation.) Furthermore, he tends to be a bit of a mamma's boy (not to the extend of other Indian men I know who won't stand up for their wives at all, but enough to where it has caused friction between us). In some ways he can be immature (though in other ways he is very mature). He is immature in terms of dealing with conflict/resolving conflict, and dealing with his inability to get certain things he wants (when I won't compromise). On the other hand he is mature academically, and also mature in terms of respecting women, helping his family, helping others in need, teaching his students, etc.

I emailed my husband this article the other day: http://www.lifepositive.com/Mind/Personal_Growth/The_Manipulation_Trap92010.asp I also told him that I'm unwilling to stay married to someone who continues to exhibit these qualities. I truly believe some aspect of this manipulation is cultural, as it's a constant issue in Indian families (even my mother is deeply manipulative - far more than my husband - and it has greatly damaged her marriage as well as her relationship with me. Being manipulative doesn't make her a bad person though, it's just dysfunctional behavior she exibits because my dad never gave her an ultimatum to change her ways or else dissolve the marriage). Now it's too late for my mom to change I think as she is in her mid-60s. My husband learned manipulation skills as it helped him survive living in India. Unfortunately those skills are a detriment to our marriage though. If my husband shows unwillingness to change, then the marriage is over, as I will not tolerate living in the kind of marriage my parents had. However, if he's open to me calling him out on manipulative behavior and stopping to reflect on what he's doing wrong... I'm okay with that. He certainly doesn't have to be perfect, as I'm not either. As long as he is willing to improve on his weaknesses to be a better husband to me, I'll be fine with this.

I hope the counseling session goes good. Please let us know (if you feel like it)

Of course, I'm happy to post updates. However, I'll probably try to post updates if there are any big changes. I feel shy to keep posting updates on minutia as this thread has gone on long enough. You guys have been so kind to offer me your valuable time, and I don't want to continue to take it unless there is anything significant to report.

Edited April 15, 2012 by rkk1

[rkk1 34]

No offense, but you do understand that even being in a marriage with "some manipulative qualities" is absolutely awful, right? I mean, normal people don't try to "manipulate" theirs spouses at all. You seem to be setting the bar pretty damn low: "He's trying to manipulate me and separate me from my money, but only somewhat." It doesn't really work that way. Being manipulated into something is binary: either you're being manipulated or you're not.

I understand that you want to stay with the person you love, and honestly I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes. I'd like to think that I'd dump him immediately, but maybe I wouldn't. Love is a powerful thing. Still, you owe it to yourself to set the bar a lot higher than you are.

Thanks Mike. I know what you mean. It's something I hate too. I grew up with it, and it is something I find commonly in India. (There are so many things I love about Indian culture, but this aspect is not one of them). I posted an article in my last post on manipulation written by an Indian author. Even she readily admits in the article that manipulation is a big problem in our culture (I say 'our' culture as I am also of Indian origin).

Edit: I'd also like to add that sometimes people end up repeating some of the same lifestyles they grew up with when younger. I grew up with a lot of physical and emotional abuse. It does NOT mean I'm okay with repeating this in my marriage. But I've seen the bar set so low with my parents marriage, that my marriage does seem leaps and bounds better. (Actually my parents marriage is terrible in some way in terms of verbal abuse, but really good in other ways in terms of loyalty and working together as a couple to achieve common goals. Things aren't always black or white.)

Edited April 15, 2012 by rkk1

[Visitor 90]

rkk You have 2 paths that you want to follow in your life. You want to continue with your studies and get a successful career in the medical field AND you want to stay married to a man who you know to be "somewhat" manipulative. You need to decide if this man will hinder you or help you in your life, your future as you would like to live it and your ambitions. I think deep down you know the answer to that one.

As a matter of fact I don't know how you are continuing with your studies right now with all this emotional upheaval going on in your life.

Apart from the fact that you continue to say you love your husband but still don't trust his erratic tack changes is there some other reason you feel you "MUST" be married?

You are in med school. You have a lot on you plate with your studies. Is there some cultural reason that says you "NEED" to be married, have kids and juggle medical school studies or your life won't be complete?

Let's assume you go the single route and continue medical school as a single person. Is this shameful for you or your family in sight of your peers?

I'm not suggesting you call your marriage quits but I am just throwing out a whole new set of questions to ask yourself here to perhaps get another perspective on this whole situation.

Does it scare you to think of yourself as single or divorced and continuing your studies and following through with your career as planned without a husband?

Do you somehow see remaining single for a while as a failing trait within yourself or your family unit?

Are you fighting an internal clock that's worrying you about needing to be married?

I ask these questions because you mentioned a vision without a husband and you sounded quite afraid of being left without a husband or settling for someone not as good as the one you have.

I would have thought someone in your position studying as hard as you are would welcome being able to study unhindered without added emotional stress but you seem to be more stressed about keeping a husband that you aren't sure about.

Are you afraid of what life might be like without a husband?

In my experience (I'm 54) I have found that love only enters your life when you are happy with your life and content with who you are. Only then will a worthy someone come along and "stuff it all up". (just joking- kinda)

Seriously though, maybe it's time to step back, take a breather and look inwardly and ask yourself what it is that YOU want rather than what would make your family or him or his family happy.

Marriage isn't always the ONLY answer to happiness. Some people need marriage to make them whole. Others need a career to complete them.Others are baby making machines who just love children and the more they have the happier they are. I've read posts from these types of people here on these forums. Some people can juggle career, marriage AND children (all the more power to them). Sure there are many more types of people than these mentioned but that's enough to make my point here.

It's up to you to decide what YOU want from life and go get it. You're a level headed go get it type of person who can do anything you put your mind to.

Sometimes the hardest decision we have to make in life is not deciding what appears to be black and white deciding on door number 1, 2 or 3 but involves stepping back and creating yet another door of opportunity that is just outside of the box. A bit more soul searching may be in order but without the distraction or worries of husband or families.

Think about what you want and go get it. You're strong and you can do it.