Marriage is breaking apart

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I split your post in two because I can't believe these two halves can from the same mouth (well keyboard anyway)...

As a guy who has waited over 30 months to be with his fiance, this is my advice. Enjoy your life, spend his money, sleep in your own room, go find you a new love. Then when you are ready and paperwork is all finished, divorce him and enjoy the rest of your life.

WHAT!?!?

Why should she let him turn her into something that she isn't? Even worse why should she let him turn her into a shadow of what he is?

You are seriously advising her to just bleed him dry and find a boyfriend while remaining in the marriage just for immigration benefits?

This jerk doesn't deserve you. You have given him 5 years, years that appear to have been wasted on him. It is a truly sad story but one this is always a chance when you throw your heart into the ring for love. So step back and realize that you deserve to be happy, it doesn't matter what religion you are, you deserve to be happy. He also made vows when you were wed and he has failed. Do what is best for you. That is my advice.

Completely agree with this part of your post, she needs to start protecting herself...

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

im trying to know the intent of the person that gona reply based on her story. i try to analyze words and how they say things. in this story i dont know why i want to know the other side of the story.

How knowledgeable are you about Filipinos? I mean real down-to-earth good-hearted Pinays? When I put her OP in the context of what I understand of Asian women in general and Filipinas I don't get any weird vibes, in fact it fits perfectly with what I've come to expect (in a good way).

im bothered hearing the OP keeps saying she is a good wife, does everything and all good stuff that makes the husband look bad.

Why are you bothered by this? Is it difficult for you to believe that she could be exactly as described?

i hear about this nephew and he is the only close relative, which i dont know, forgive me and i dont want to entertain the bad thoughts but reading the narration played dirty in my mind.

I don't know, it seems that if there was something going on with the Nephew (as you're implying) then she wouldn't need to be on VJ crying in from of total strangers would she?

if im in a bad situation and is being helpless and narrating my sad story i wont put smileys of crying and all that stuff.

You can't compare the Op to yourself unless you're a Filipina who married an older Kano when you were 23 and now find yourself at 28 feeling betrayed and used by the man who was supposed to love you more than anyone else.

FWIW, the "crying smileys" is the exact behavior I've seen from my wife when dealing with hurtful and difficult situations. Not only is it a very "girly" thing but even more-so a behavior I've come to expect from Filipinos (not meant in a bad way).

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

I'm not superstitious and made no such promise to a non-existent entity. But it seems to me that if this superstition of yours is run by a God that requires staying with a perpetrator of marriage fraud then it isn't a God worth believing in. Maybe shop around for a God that isn't such a jerk. There's lots to pick from.

Gosh RedVelvet, I feel so bad for you. This is way beyond breach of promise (the most grave element being children). You have no obligation to a man who told such an outrageous lie in order to trick you into marriage. You are way, way beyond needing him for anything in your life, including naturalization. There is no emergency here with immigration. The more immediate problem is fixing your life and getting on track for a family with wonderful, bright children in your future.

Showing anger at a person who wants to talk about something is a way of manipulating them through terror. What little you told to us is mental/emotional abuse, which heightens the need to leave him beyond the already fatal matter on refusal of children. When there is a problem with potency/fertility we adopt children. That solves one problem but my God, the lack of intimacy you have described - OMG! You poor girl! It's unbelievable you have endured this. There are studies demonstrating that people who don't have intimacy suffer from more bad health, are unhappier, die sooner - and just looking at them you can see if it is lacking in their life. That's one thing that will change when you get a man who can leave you a steaming pile of goo in the bedroom: you will be healthier, have more energy, be happier, and live longer.

You have the 10 - year green card so you are authorized to work too, and you would be amazed what you can do with very little money if you are smart about living expenses, using coupons, etc. You are going to need a support network of friends or family, so get busy working on that. Both for emotional support and help getting things done. You need to be kind but firm with him - it's over, let's just make this as stress-free as possible. No fights, no yelling, forget about wasting time and energy arguing who is at fault. Go to the clerk of court in your state district. Ask for the divorce papers to fill out or get them online. They are self-explanatory. Generally the wife is owed 50% of the marital assets acquired while you were married. Maybe if there is some decency in him he will help you get settled on your own, but don't brow-beat him with "you owe me this because you lied..."

You will be amazed how much better you are going to feel just having made the decision. Each little step you take is going to make you feel better and better, until finaly one day you are having a baby in the hospital and your husband is right there with you.

Hello rlogan-I don't know what to say about your message but I cried so much when I started to read it.I feel everything what you've said and this is a really good message for me,and I been waiting somebody to put this on my topic(like ur message).Thank you very much for such a detailed and specific,good opinion of yours.I know not all people understand/will understand about,me seeking a Divorce beause they didn't know what was going on and still, I understand for everybody's comments here, and I never judge people through what they've said because not everybody has a good luck when it comes" marriages/relationship".To all the people who found their luck/love to the right person, then VALUE it,Take care of it,Do everything you could to make it grow and stronger everynow and then, above all BE THANKFUL that God gives u for such a good and healthy relationship with your love ones.Even me in my sitaution I never forget to pray and be thankful to HIM for everything.rlogan,your message to me is a very powerful "thoughts" especially in my situation.I can't say THANK YOU enough for helping me to enlighten my way.Very specific one.

Thank you.....Thank you....Thank you very much!!!

May God Bless you always and to all your love ones.

Thank YOU so much rlogan.

FYI,I feel better now after I read your reply:)

Thanks a lot!

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

I split your post in two because I can't believe these two halves can from the same mouth (well keyboard anyway)...

WHAT!?!?

Why should she let him turn her into something that she isn't? Even worse why should she let him turn her into a shadow of what he is?

You are seriously advising her to just bleed him dry and find a boyfriend while remaining in the marriage just for immigration benefits?

Completely agree with this part of your post, she needs to start protecting herself...

Please everyone no aggravation here for each other because of my "TOPIC".Let say, I really need an advice and everybody has a different thoughts about this.I am open to read for everybody's suggestions/replies/comments.

Thank you!

BTW,this post is for "BOB 4 Anna and brianandshella"

Thanks Guys for the comments....sorry I don't know how to insert my messages between of your conversations.

Edited March 29, 2012 by ~Redvelvet~

[Philwithlove 17]

How knowledgeable are you about Filipinos? I mean real down-to-earth good-hearted Pinays? When I put her OP in the context of what I understand of Asian women in general and Filipinas I don't get any weird vibes, in fact it fits perfectly with what I've come to expect (in a good way).

yes im a filipina. know/meet/experience different kind of characters of a filipina. i think one or two other relatives or friends of your wife or yourself if you are a filipina adviced you not to trust a fellow filipina specially here in the US because of mentality. im not saying this to make a wrong impressions over filipina coz it can happen too to other cultures too. but there are some that are soo good infront but not behind.

Why are you bothered by this? Is it difficult for you to believe that she could be exactly as described?

not difficult. just doubtful. i am not the husband nor the nephew that can agree that indeed she is a good wife. i always ask my husband if im doing well as wife, not declaring to my husband that im a good wife. it depends on a husband's point of view to describe what a good wife is.

I don't know, it seems that if there was something going on with the Nephew (as you're implying) then she wouldn't need to be on VJ crying in from of total strangers would she?

she is asking for advice about her staying in the US or her application or whats the implications if she divorce her husband coz she knows VJ people knows the process and can give advice how or what. (nephew might not know )

You can't compare the Op to yourself unless you're a Filipina who married an older Kano when you were 23 and now find yourself at 28 feeling betrayed and used by the man who was supposed to love you more than anyone else.

im 29 and married to a 47 guy. all my friends and relatives made a joke when they learned that he is 47. they told him to "do" it asap while "his thing" can still work. i bet the OP knew or comes in her mind about that before coming here or marrying this old guy. sometimes my husband feels frustrated about "his" and i understand because its his "manhood" but i assure him that when the times come that "his" doesnt do his job, it doesnt changed anything in our relationship. i think betrayal is not the word to use. i think she needs to understand his man's love language. unless, she found new one now (the nephew )

FWIW, the "crying smileys" is the exact behavior I've seen from my wife when dealing with hurtful and difficult situations. Not only is it a very "girly" thing but even more-so a behavior I've come to expect from Filipinos (not meant in a bad way).

all are my opinions based on myself and my friends. we put smileys when the situation is difficult and hurtful but funny. not serious. i just cant imagine myself leaving my husband and put smileys about it unless im looking forward for something else.

someone advice here also to use the husbands money and spend it and all that.

my husband and i have a prenuptial agreement. It's not because he doesnt trust me. it's because of the situation his bestfriend is into. taking everything my husband's bestfriend have. My husband's lawyer, family and friends heard about the bad image of some filipina who divorced their husband after getting GC and getting money and properties from their husbands which is a sad story, so they adviced my husband about prenup agreement. He talked about it and made a decision to go for it so everybody is pleased. it doesnt hurt me or anything too so why not go for it.

i think im wrong in giving advice or my opinion to this situation so forgive me if it mislead others or hurt the OP although seems not. lol

maybe just shared my thoughts about other side of a filipina.

again, just an opinion.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

all are my opinions based on myself and my friends. we put smileys when the situation is difficult and hurtful but funny. not serious. i just cant imagine myself leaving my husband and put smileys about it unless im looking forward for something else.

Your reply here was so much more useful to the OP and didn't sound anything like an attack.

I'm not going to defend her point by point, I don't believe I need to.

I will say that if he had concerns about his equipment working (or not) then he should be able to share that with his wife if he really does love and respect her. How can anyone justify agreeing to something (having a baby) and then rebuffing her attempts to even discuss it after they're married?

How would you feel if your husband suddenly started sleeping in a different room and just yelled at you if you even attempted to discuss it? How long would you put up with it? Since you guys are able to talk about it and work through it TOGETHER you have the kind of relationship she was obviously hoping for.

BTW, just my humble opinion the different Smileys tone changes based on context just like words can.

I do appreciate your through response to my post, thank you.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

all are my opinions based on myself and my friends. we put smileys when the situation is difficult and hurtful but funny. not serious. i just cant imagine myself leaving my husband and put smileys about it unless im looking forward for something else.

someone advice here also to use the husbands money and spend it and all that.

my husband and i have a prenuptial agreement. It's not because he doesnt trust me. it's because of the situation his bestfriend is into. taking everything my husband's bestfriend have. My husband's lawyer, family and friends heard about the bad image of some filipina who divorced their husband after getting GC and getting money and properties from their husbands which is a sad story, so they adviced my husband about prenup agreement. He talked about it and made a decision to go for it so everybody is pleased. it doesnt hurt me or anything too so why not go for it.

i think im wrong in giving advice or my opinion to this situation so forgive me if it mislead others or hurt the OP although seems not. lol

maybe just shared my thoughts about other side of a filipina.

again, just an opinion.

@PHILWITHLOVE,well... you said a lots already about this.

FIRST,I married because of TRUST/CARE/LOVE/RESPECT/AFFECTION and looking forward to have my OWN family with this man.I understand your opinion but it seems you go through beyond what i've asking here.

SECOND, I want to elaborate with you about his NEPHEW, and forgive me if I stated in my original topic in different ways?or you have just a dirty thoughts about my situation?I personally love all of his family like my own family n(PHILIPPINES),but since my husband has no closest relatives except him(nephew) so....whom and where you want me to ask about the behavior of my husband?????to the PRESIDENT???REALLY???.His nephew is HAPPILY MARRIED,HAS A GOOD WIFE,HAS A GOOD KIDS,and I am thankful that atleast in all of his relatives he accepted me like his own family/auntie, and HE IS OUR CO-SPONSOR when we applied for a visa since my husband has very low income that time,so do you think..I'm not grateful enough of what his been helping us?(Advice to his uncle about our marriage because that person KNOWS what was going on inside in our house,and he knows his uncle before I did?).It seems like your the only one put a dirty "THOUGHTS" about my TOPIC.

THIRD,I am here NOT for my GC only,because before we applied for my VISA, I been sat down manytimes with my husband to asked seriously "working in our marriage,no lies,be open one,be communicative person and be honest.You can simply give opposite thoughts and playing with your own dirty minded by trying to reverse my statement here?.I know it is your opinion PHIL, but PLEASE...... I feel bad enough already and that's why I am here seeking an EXPERT ADVICE not judging me by your dirty thoughts.

FOURTH,I married my husband not because he is a rich one but because I FELL INLOVE INTO THAT PERSON!!!Since,I arrived here to be with him, I never ever ask him any amount for going partying with friends,shopping for my own sake,and even not trying to use his credit card for my clothes/shoes/bags/jewelry/not even get any cash/amount in his bank for my OWN SAKE!!!INSTEAD,I always stay 24/7 with him doing household stuffs,cooking his MEALS,PREPARING HIS CLOTHES,CLEANING AND NEVER COMPLAIN,PAINTING AROUND THE HOUSE,DO FIXING YARD,CLEANING HIS GARAGE,ORGANIZING ALL THE MESS AROUND,CLEANING AFTER HIS MESS.....AND NOW TELL ME? AFTER 5 YEARS YOU'VE been DOING IT WITHOUT AFFECTION NOR EVER CARE/APPRECIATION FROM HIM do you think only GREENCARD am running into?????Don't forget, I am just a wife, a HUMAN not a ROBOT..... who still can feel a hurtful feelings inside on me.

FIFTH,If you bothered all the smileys there,then don't look it up!!!We are not talking here about his PROPERTIES nor HIS MONEY!!!AM SEEKING DIVORCE FOR A FREEDOM AND STAND UP BY MYSELF AND TRYING TO FORGET MY BAD EXPERIENCES IN LIFE(WITH HIM).

SINCE,you don't know everything... it's up to you to think what's in your dirty mind, but in my ownself and heart I know it's too much to feel heartaches.

FYI,I've ask my husband last year to send me back home(PHLIPPINES)and I will leave my GC with him so that people won't think that I am here for THAT only but He never do it!!!!!!!

BTW,when I said am a good wife it means....I MADE HIM FEEL HAPPY AND CONTENT without thinking that he keep hurting me emotionally.

WELL,sorry for my words if being so HARSH for you.... but as what you've said 8's"OPINION" only.

Thank you and GOOD luck to your life too and I hope,if you are a wife(seems u are) your husband will fullfill what your needed and if your a husband I hope your wife makes u totally HAPPY(like suppose to).

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

As a guy who has waited over 30 months to be with his fiance, this is my advice. Enjoy your life, spend his money, sleep in your own room, go find you a new love. Then when you are ready and paperwork is all finished, divorce him and enjoy the rest of your life. This jerk doesn't deserve you. You have given him 5 years, years that appear to have been wasted on him. It is a truly sad story but one this is always a chance when you throw your heart into the ring for love. So step back and realize that you deserve to be happy, it doesn't matter what religion you are, you deserve to be happy. He also made vows when you were wed and he has failed. Do what is best for you. That is my advice.

Thank you "brian&shella" but I can't do it like spending his money.I just wanted to move on without ripping him off/asking anything about his properties.I am still in good moral but I know and I understand what are you trying to say(unfortunately I am not like that).

I appreciate a lot for stopping by.

Thank you!

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I don't think you can even call it a marriage at this point. You're sleeping in separate rooms, you've only been intimate a few times over the last few years, and he's lied about his promises of giving you children. You've done your best to make it work but, as in any relationship, it won't work unless both partners are willing to try. It's time for you to move on and get on with your life. Before you know it, you'll be happy again and this will all be behind you.

rlogan gives great advice. Also, I know it seems overwhelming when looking for a lawyer and you have little or no money. Look in your phone book, online, or ask friends (or even ask here, but we'd need to know what city you live in) to find a low-income/non-profit lawyer. They work on a sliding scale fee based on your income. They won't ask you to pay up front, but instead will have you pay after the divorce is done (and you've got some money from the settlement/spousal support).

Good luck to you

Thank you for the advice "Mark&Fatima".I do appreciated it a lots.

BTW,Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions(that's my self quotes).

God Bless and Thank you again.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

I feel very bad for you Redvelvet. It sounds like a crappy situation and he's taken advantage of you. I'm sorry. It sounds like the age difference between the two of you is pretty vast on top of it. Should you decide to divorce him, there are advocacy groups that can help you in the states. The first thing that comes to mind is YWCA, which helps women and children in bad spots in their lives. They can get you a bed in a shelter and will help you find work if you need it and can keep you safe. You shouldn't be forced to stay in a loveless (and I don't mean the lack of sex, it doesn't sound like he even cares...) marriage because of fear. I'd contact an immigration lawyer or an immigration advocate and see if they could clarify things for you. I had no idea about the divorce issue in the Philippines.

Hi Inuki-Thank your for stopping by and share your thought about my sitaution.

I do appreciated it a lot...and all the info.that u can share must me appreciated always.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

im trying to know the intent of the person that gona reply based on her story. i try to analyze words and how they say things. in this story i dont know why i want to know the other side of the story. im bothered hearing the OP keeps saying she is a good wife, does everything and all good stuff that makes the husband look bad. i hear about this nephew and he is the only close relative, which i dont know, forgive me and i dont want to entertain the bad thoughts but reading the narration played dirty in my mind. if im in a bad situation and is being helpless and narrating my sad story i wont put smileys of crying and all that stuff.

just my opinion.

PHILWITHLOVE,Please, look at my last reply in your message and I hope u will find a peace for all of what are you trying to say here(which is very far beyond from my story).

BTW,Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions and Good judgment comes from experience , and often experience comes from bad judgment(just saying).

[adiiann 163]

all are my opinions based on myself and my friends. we put smileys when the situation is difficult and hurtful but funny. not serious. i just cant imagine myself leaving my husband and put smileys about it unless im looking forward for something else.

someone advice here also to use the husbands money and spend it and all that.

my husband and i have a prenuptial agreement. It's not because he doesnt trust me. it's because of the situation his bestfriend is into. taking everything my husband's bestfriend have. My husband's lawyer, family and friends heard about the bad image of some filipina who divorced their husband after getting GC and getting money and properties from their husbands which is a sad story, so they adviced my husband about prenup agreement. He talked about it and made a decision to go for it so everybody is pleased. it doesnt hurt me or anything too so why not go for it.

i think im wrong in giving advice or my opinion to this situation so forgive me if it mislead others or hurt the OP although seems not. lol

maybe just shared my thoughts about other side of a filipina.

again, just an opinion.

First of, I really don't care what other people think about Filipina since they're talking in general which is true that not all Filipina is good and sincere. But I will never sign Pre-nuptial agreement for the reason of getting married means unity and trust. I trust my life to him and he trust his life to me. If I don't feel that I can trust my life to him, I will not marry him even though I love him, I will wait for the time that I can trust my life to him which mean no matter what happen he will always be at my side. So, if my husband asked me to sign pre-nuptial agreement, I will not marry him or I will wait to marry him until such time he feels comfortable living with me without setting boundaries.

It seems like you want to prove something that's why you signed pre-nuptial agreement. I must say I will not do anything like signing a pre-nuptial agreement to define what kind of person I am. Not letting a piece of paper dictates my individuality.

Anyway, as for the OP, "being a good wife". Filipina indeed is a good wife if you find a real one and not a con artist. It's cultural thing that Filipina willing to do sacrifice to work out things esp marriage. You are happy with your marriage that's why its hard for you to think about the OP situation. I am happy too with my marriage but leaving my husband is impossible for me to do because life depends on him so much that it's scared me to death to think living without me. But not all husband is like our husband, that's why the OP is having dilemma right now. The OP just wanted to have normal marriage life which mean having a normal husband and kids of her own.

As for the OP, agree to earlier post that you should do what you need to do in order to find the real happiness in life. Remember it's in the declaration of independence of the united states to pursuit happiness. So find your independence to obtain happiness

[Caryh 5,206]

Anyway, as for the OP, "being a good wife". Filipina indeed is a good wife if you find a real one and not a con artist. It's cultural thing that Filipina willing to do sacrifice to work out things esp marriage. You are happy with your marriage that's why its hard for you to think about the OP situation. I am happy too with my marriage but leaving my husband is impossible for me to do because life depends on him so much that it's scared me to death to think living without me. But not all husband is like our husband, that's why the OP is having dilemma right now. The OP just wanted to have normal marriage life which mean having a normal husband and kids of her own.

I whole heartedly agree with that comment. A good Filipina makes a great wife. My wife is always very concerned with how well she is taking care of me. The smallest details I would have never thought about in the past, and she's there taking care of them. I still don't worry about them, with her around its taken care of. But its completely a two way street. A good Filipina will truly take care of you, but you better be taking care of her to. You'll have to the learn the things she needs as everyone is an individual. She'll truly appreciate it and show it when you make sure those things are done for her in return. The OP's husband has taken advantage of the giving side of his wife, and ignored her needs and desires in life. She's his wife, not his maid or slave. And look what she's asking for, intimacy, love, children, a normal life. She waited a heck of a lot longer than most people would have in the hopes he would give it to her. While I hate to hear of a marriage that didn't work out, I wish her well in finding the life her soon to be ex-husband refused to give to her. Its sad he just used her and never truly took her as his true wife and partner. Because those that do are truly blessed.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

First of, I really don't care what other people think about Filipina since they're talking in general which is true that not all Filipina is good and sincere. But I will never sign Pre-nuptial agreement for the reason of getting married means unity and trust. I trust my life to him and he trust his life to me. If I don't feel that I can trust my life to him, I will not marry him even though I love him, I will wait for the time that I can trust my life to him which mean no matter what happen he will always be at my side. So, if my husband asked me to sign pre-nuptial agreement, I will not marry him or I will wait to marry him until such time he feels comfortable living with me without setting boundaries.

It seems like you want to prove something that's why you signed pre-nuptial agreement. I must say I will not do anything like signing a pre-nuptial agreement to define what kind of person I am. Not letting a piece of paper dictates my individuality.

Anyway, as for the OP, "being a good wife". Filipina indeed is a good wife if you find a real one and not a con artist. It's cultural thing that Filipina willing to do sacrifice to work out things esp marriage. You are happy with your marriage that's why its hard for you to think about the OP situation. I am happy too with my marriage but leaving my husband is impossible for me to do because life depends on him so much that it's scared me to death to think living without me. But not all husband is like our husband, that's why the OP is having dilemma right now. The OP just wanted to have normal marriage life which mean having a normal husband and kids of her own.

As for the OP, agree to earlier post that you should do what you need to do in order to find the real happiness in life. Remember it's in the declaration of independence of the united states to pursuit happiness. So find your independence to obtain happiness

Thank you so much for the post Adiian.May God bless you always and to your marriage as well.I wish for you and your husband for long lasting love and relationship.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

I whole heartedly agree with that comment. A good Filipina makes a great wife. My wife is always very concerned with how well she is taking care of me. The smallest details I would have never thought about in the past, and she's there taking care of them. I still don't worry about them, with her around its taken care of. But its completely a two way street. A good Filipina will truly take care of you, but you better be taking care of her to. You'll have to the learn the things she needs as everyone is an individual. She'll truly appreciate it and show it when you make sure those things are done for her in return. The OP's husband has taken advantage of the giving side of his wife, and ignored her needs and desires in life. She's his wife, not his maid or slave. And look what she's asking for, intimacy, love, children, a normal life. She waited a heck of a lot longer than most people would have in the hopes he would give it to her. While I hate to hear of a marriage that didn't work out, I wish her well in finding the life her soon to be ex-husband refused to give to her. Its sad he just used her and never truly took her as his true wife and partner. Because those that do are truly blessed.

Hi Caryh- Thank you for the words I do appreciated it a lot.I wish you and ur wife the best and long lasting love.

Thank you and God Bless you both.