Marriage is breaking apart

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

:crying: :crying:

@ ~RedVelvet~

Everything Crashed has said is spot on.

I would like to elaborate on what I quoted from his post...

The ability to marry again in the Philippines is really the only downside to you leaving him and filing for divorce now. I would operate on the assumption that your husband is happy with how things are and won't file for divorce so it would be left on your to do. He might even have hopes that you won't because the Philippines wont' recognize the divorce if you file it. Working on this assumption you have two options:

1) Leave him and file for divorce yourself. If you want to be acknowledged as single in the Philippines then you can spend the money to file for Annulment in the Philippines.

2) Wait it out to leave him after you've naturalized.

Honestly I would never recommend someone to stay in a situation like you've described just to save a bit of time & money.

BTW, I returned this thread to The Philippines Regional SubForum as the OP is Filipino and originally posted it here so the assumption is that she's looking for input from other Fil/AM couples.

FWIW, whoever moved this thread from the PH forum didn't leave a redirect in the original forum or a note in the thread about why they moved it.

Hi Bob 4 Anna-Thank you for dropping by and give some of your thoughts about my situation.

1.I'm always scared to file a Divorce before my Naturalization.

2.I can't stay anymore and looking myself being miserable about our situation(breaking my heart).

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

marriage is sacred for me and divorce will never be an option. specially like what you said, you love your husband. watched the movie fireproof, its a great movie. pray that your husband will do his part in your marriage. before our wedding, we had a counseling and the pastor offered his time if incase we need counseling. Go to your church and ask your help from the pastor or the priest what's they can do to convince your husband to come with you in counseling. prayers can do miracles you know.

i am sad hearing or reading post about divorce and people are so worried about their status than their promise to God to live and love each other for better or for worse.

Hi PhilwithLove-Thank you and I understand about your thoughts "Divorce".For me I put up all of my effort/emotions/LOVE/CARE/UNDERSTAND/RESPECT since we got married and before we've married.I am a very good wife(I am A TRADITIONAL WIFE).I never believe in Divorce before, and I always being sad to heard couple who's marriage were failed/failing apart and ended up in "DIVORCE COURT".Now,I can't really judge to anybody since I FEEL AND ENCOUNTER it in our own married life.You know how it feel if your husband ignored you since you've got married?and You did everything u could to make him HAPPY and put all your LOVE/CARE/RESPECT to make hime wholesome being with you?You know how it feel if you are so alone and wanna cry in his shoulder because it seems you are afraid that you can't handle it at all by yourself,(And ignored u and telling u will get over it?) and even you are so strong enough you feel being naive after all what happened to you or towards the person who did it to you?In 5 years of living together, I never complain until I feel so tired(NOW).It seems so much to me and it seems I am breaking apart everyday.Do you know a man who won't admit "fault"?that's my husband.I know what are you trying to say and YES!I agreed with you.... PRAYERS is the most powerful thing in your life but it seems am suffering now inside of me. :crying:

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

1.I'm always scared to file a Divorce before my Naturalization.

2.I can't stay anymore and looking myself being miserable about our situation(breaking my heart).

Then it sounds like you need to leave now.

The negatives of leaving now (have to wait 2 more years to Naturalize and Philippines won't recognize the divorce if you are the petitioner) are not worth the damage that is being done to you...

If you're not financially independent and don't have local friends who can help you then I would suggest you reach out to your local Catholic Church, they can get you in touch with Catholic Social Services/Charities who can assist you with the divorce and rebuilding your life.

[Leatherneck 693]

Wow, another sad story and dysfunctional marriage. Based on what you've written -- you've been a loyal wife and have suffered emotionally as a result. You've gotten some good advice here. Now you just need to decide how to proceed based on what's in your best interest.

Good luck.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Then it sounds like you need to leave now.

The negatives of leaving now (have to wait 2 more years to Naturalize and Philippines won't recognize the divorce if you are the petitioner) are not worth the damage that is being done to you...

If you're not financially independent and don't have local friends who can help you then I would suggest you reach out to your local Catholic Church, they can get you in touch with Catholic Social Services/Charities who can assist you with the divorce and rebuilding your life.

Yeah I bet.

I think that's a good suggestion here.Thank you so much BOB!

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Wow, another sad story and dysfunctional marriage. Based on what you've written -- you've been a loyal wife and have suffered emotionally as a result. You've gotten some good advice here. Now you just need to decide how to proceed based on what's in your best interest.

Good luck.

I will and Thank YOU!

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Please Keep this "TOPIC" in PHILIPPINES/SUB FORUM....gusto ko lang makakuha ng magandang idea galing sa aking mga kababayan.

SALAMAT.

[Messybrownhair 251]

Your story is heartbreaking. Leave him, file for divorce and naturalization and move on with your life! Find some real happiness! Goodluck and God Bless!

[rlogan 2,036]

i am sad hearing or reading post about divorce and people are so worried about their status than their promise to God to live and love each other for better or for worse.

I'm not superstitious and made no such promise to a non-existent entity. But it seems to me that if this superstition of yours is run by a God that requires staying with a perpetrator of marriage fraud then it isn't a God worth believing in. Maybe shop around for a God that isn't such a jerk. There's lots to pick from.

Gosh RedVelvet, I feel so bad for you. This is way beyond breach of promise (the most grave element being children). You have no obligation to a man who told such an outrageous lie in order to trick you into marriage. You are way, way beyond needing him for anything in your life, including naturalization. There is no emergency here with immigration. The more immediate problem is fixing your life and getting on track for a family with wonderful, bright children in your future.

Showing anger at a person who wants to talk about something is a way of manipulating them through terror. What little you told to us is mental/emotional abuse, which heightens the need to leave him beyond the already fatal matter on refusal of children. When there is a problem with potency/fertility we adopt children. That solves one problem but my God, the lack of intimacy you have described - OMG! You poor girl! It's unbelievable you have endured this. There are studies demonstrating that people who don't have intimacy suffer from more bad health, are unhappier, die sooner - and just looking at them you can see if it is lacking in their life. That's one thing that will change when you get a man who can leave you a steaming pile of goo in the bedroom: you will be healthier, have more energy, be happier, and live longer.

You have the 10 - year green card so you are authorized to work too, and you would be amazed what you can do with very little money if you are smart about living expenses, using coupons, etc. You are going to need a support network of friends or family, so get busy working on that. Both for emotional support and help getting things done. You need to be kind but firm with him - it's over, let's just make this as stress-free as possible. No fights, no yelling, forget about wasting time and energy arguing who is at fault. Go to the clerk of court in your state district. Ask for the divorce papers to fill out or get them online. They are self-explanatory. Generally the wife is owed 50% of the marital assets acquired while you were married. Maybe if there is some decency in him he will help you get settled on your own, but don't brow-beat him with "you owe me this because you lied..."

You will be amazed how much better you are going to feel just having made the decision. Each little step you take is going to make you feel better and better, until finaly one day you are having a baby in the hospital and your husband is right there with you.

[brian&shella 0]

As a guy who has waited over 30 months to be with his fiance, this is my advice. Enjoy your life, spend his money, sleep in your own room, go find you a new love. Then when you are ready and paperwork is all finished, divorce him and enjoy the rest of your life. This jerk doesn't deserve you. You have given him 5 years, years that appear to have been wasted on him. It is a truly sad story but one this is always a chance when you throw your heart into the ring for love. So step back and realize that you deserve to be happy, it doesn't matter what religion you are, you deserve to be happy. He also made vows when you were wed and he has failed. Do what is best for you. That is my advice.

[Mark&Fatima 14]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I don't think you can even call it a marriage at this point. You're sleeping in separate rooms, you've only been intimate a few times over the last few years, and he's lied about his promises of giving you children. You've done your best to make it work but, as in any relationship, it won't work unless both partners are willing to try. It's time for you to move on and get on with your life. Before you know it, you'll be happy again and this will all be behind you.

rlogan gives great advice. Also, I know it seems overwhelming when looking for a lawyer and you have little or no money. Look in your phone book, online, or ask friends (or even ask here, but we'd need to know what city you live in) to find a low-income/non-profit lawyer. They work on a sliding scale fee based on your income. They won't ask you to pay up front, but instead will have you pay after the divorce is done (and you've got some money from the settlement/spousal support).

Good luck to you

Edited March 29, 2012 by Mark&Fatima

[Philwithlove 17]

im trying to know the intent of the person that gona reply based on her story. i try to analyze words and how they say things. in this story i dont know why i want to know the other side of the story. im bothered hearing the OP keeps saying she is a good wife, does everything and all good stuff that makes the husband look bad. i hear about this nephew and he is the only close relative, which i dont know, forgive me and i dont want to entertain the bad thoughts but reading the narration played dirty in my mind. if im in a bad situation and is being helpless and narrating my sad story i wont put smileys of crying and all that stuff.

just my opinion.

[Leatherneck 693]

im trying to know the intent of the person that gona reply based on her story. i try to analyze words and how they say things. in this story i dont know why i want to know the other side of the story. im bothered hearing the OP keeps saying she is a good wife, does everything and all good stuff that makes the husband look bad. i hear about this nephew and he is the only close relative, which i dont know, forgive me and i dont want to entertain the bad thoughts but reading the narration played dirty in my mind. if im in a bad situation and is being helpless and narrating my sad story i wont put smileys of crying and all that stuff.

just my opinion.

The following comment is not an attack on you.

May I ask why are you "bothered hearing the OP keeps saying she is a good wife?" None of us can personally vouch for her worth as a wife, but one thing is for sure -- it takes a hell of a woman to remain in a sexless marriage for as long as the OP has. No sex since 2008 and she only had sex with her husband two times in that year, most people would've been gone long ago.

Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but in all fairness to the OP, the way she chose to narrate her story with emoticons does not make her ordeal any less authentic. We all handle stress, drama and hardship very differently. How you would handle a similar set of circumstances could very well be different from the way someone else would do so. It's not so odd for someone to maintain a rather upbeat composure or even display a bit of humor as they recant their story. Writing about her situation to total strangers might provide a moment of escape and relief from that which causes the emotional pain and misery.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Leatherneck

[Inuki 0]

I feel very bad for you Redvelvet. It sounds like a crappy situation and he's taken advantage of you. I'm sorry. It sounds like the age difference between the two of you is pretty vast on top of it. Should you decide to divorce him, there are advocacy groups that can help you in the states. The first thing that comes to mind is YWCA, which helps women and children in bad spots in their lives. They can get you a bed in a shelter and will help you find work if you need it and can keep you safe. You shouldn't be forced to stay in a loveless (and I don't mean the lack of sex, it doesn't sound like he even cares...) marriage because of fear. I'd contact an immigration lawyer or an immigration advocate and see if they could clarify things for you. I had no idea about the divorce issue in the Philippines.

[~Redvelvet~ 6]

Your story is heartbreaking. Leave him, file for divorce and naturalization and move on with your life! Find some real happiness! Goodluck and God Bless!

Hello "Messybrownhair"-Thank you so much for stopping by and for giving ur thoughts about my situation.

I do appreciated that u understand how I feel.

God Bless you and your Marriage and I hope and wish, u will live with your man with "Full of love forever".

God be with you and to all of your Family.