Feeling Guilty....???

[Mithra 1,185]

First - Congrats togetherforever on your husband's arrival tomorrow! Very exciting!

I can't say that I feel guilty about my husband being away from his family since it was his choice to come here. I feel sorry for him sometimes because I know he misses his family a lot. Especially now that we have a daughter and he so wants his family to be involved in her life. It's not Egypt that he misses, it's his family. If they could all come here that problem would be solved. His mom and oldest sister are widows but the oldest sister has two school aged children so it would be hard for her to come here. His mother is elderly and doesn't want to come here. He has one divorced sister that could come here but won't leave their mother. The other two sisters are married with children. The best thing we could do for now, until my sons are adults, is to visit. He would ideally like to live in Egypt at least part of the year some day. I'm not super keen on that idea. Visiting is enough for me. I realize that he's "sacrificed" by coming here but again, it was ultimately his choice. I've also sacrificed in regards to this marriage.

[together4evr 360]

Thanks Mithra!!!

[HannahP 119]

For what it's worth -- my husband is Canadian, has been in the US pretty much consistently for the last ten years, living with me for the last eight years, and he still gets home sick. Mostly for a dynamic that doesn't exist any more. He's been in the US since he was 18. He's 28. In the mean time, his parents got divorced and remarried, and his siblings and friends have grown up and moved to opposite ends of Canada, etc.

As the US citizen, I think that's what ways so heavily on *my* mind. I remember back in the day when I felt so bad about "taking" him away from his family and friends in Canada. Even without the added culture shock that someone from MENA must feel when moving to the US. Wait until you've put in nearly a decade together and start feeling even worse because the familial and cultural disconnect has lead your husband to pine over things that don't even exist anymore.

/so basically what I'm saying is that it only gets suckier as time goes on.

//debby downer

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

This is a pretty good thread and a topic I haven't seen done in MENA much.

In our case it took us 6 months from the time we married to file for the visa. We didn't know which country we were going to live in and I had no idea how to file for the visa process. Plus I was busy in college full-time. I don't feel guilty for letting him pay for the entire visa process. As a college student I didn't have much money and he'd always say he is the husband and man and it was his duty so I let him take care of it when we decided what we were going to do. I can say he didn't really want to come here from the beginning. Egypt has always been his home and leaving was very hard for him because he is wealthy in friends and family back there.

Also our case isn't typical in that he certainly didn't need me for a visa to come here. He could get a visa to the US on his own like his Sister and BIL have multiple times. They are also doctors like my husband. Many doctors from Egypt come here regularly to study or practice medicine in the US. I did feel guilty when he had to serve in the military for his mandatory duty as a doctor. We'd already filed for the visa and then it became delayed because of the military duty. In hindsight I probably should have applied much earlier to the American University in Cairo than when I did so I could have spent those years in Egypt going to college there while he was in the military. We could have seen each other more on his breaks from the military then having to wait the 2.5 years before being reunited. Having gone through so much together I can see things with a different perspective then I did back then.

After he came here I did feel the same guilt SaharaSunset describes. He crossed the world for me and changed his whole like to be together for my happiness. He was practicing medicine in a private practice on the Red Sea treating tourists and making a comfortable living for us. We had a nice life there in the resort town and sometimes I wish we'd stayed there. He didn't need to leave that to come and struggle here in this life making a new start in the USA. He has bouts of homesickness and that's really hard for both of us. I try to make him comfortable. Reminders of his home only seem to make him more homesick like when I cook Egyptian food or play Egyptian music. I thought it would be the reverse if I served him all American food and played Western music but I guess not.

He's been gone for two years from his home country without a visit and with going for the medical residency match in the States it looks like it may be even longer before he gets to make a trip back. There is so much involved in that process it's been overwhelming to learn about it for myself as an American. I can't imagine what it's been like for him as a foreigner with everything else he's had to deal with just coming here. I thought life was really hard waiting for the visa while so far apart and that things would be so much easier if we were waiting for it together. Now I think this step in our life is even more challenging because we're back to struggling to achieve the next step in life. Some have mentioned the first year or two together is an adjustment and we've certainly had ours but we've adjusted and things between us have been settled for awhile now. We're in a good place once we reached acceptance in our compromises. I tell others if you're near or far it's still a marriage it just comes with a different set of issues to deal with and you just have to try to do your best and remember nobody is perfect. When challenges arise try to find the opportunity in them and go from there.

I wish you the best SaharaSunset.

Edited March 22, 2012 by ॐ

[Mithra 1,185]

Why would anyone feel guilty that their spouse paid for their own immigration costs? My husband paid for his immigration costs because it was his responsibility, not mine. I didn't "make" him do it.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I don't know. I've read on here some people think it's bad if they do. People tend to land on both side of the issue though. I certainly don't feel guilty about it and I'm glad to find out I'm not the only one that let them cover the costs.

[SaharaSunset 165]

Wait until you've put in nearly a decade together and start feeling even worse because the familial and cultural disconnect has lead your husband to pine over things that don't even exist anymore.

/so basically what I'm saying is that it only gets suckier as time goes on.

//debby downer

Good to know!

[msheesha 548]

Thanks for your advice! What you said is very true! And funny too. I had the same grand plans about soccer and English classes etc... ...none of which have happened But we did find a place that sell his beloved loose leaf (flowers) green tea, and he's made it multiple time a day since we bought it, and every time says "really, this is real Moroccan tea!"

If he liked the carrot juice they drink in Morocco, the Trader Joe's carrot juice is pretty good. It's not as sweet as the carrot juice in Morocco, but that's a good thing!

[SaharaSunset 165]

I tell others if you're near or far it's still a marriage it just comes with a different set of issues to deal with and you just have to try to do your best and remember nobody is perfect. When challenges arise try to find the opportunity in them and go from there.

I wish you the best SaharaSunset.

Thanks, and I agree about marriage being marriage. I think the challenges of combining lives from tow countries is difficult, but even states within in the US can be light foreign countries! And I do try to think along those line too. Marriage is full of sacrifice, and I guess we are lucky when anyone loves us enough to make life altering sacrifices.

[sandinista! 1,816]

If he liked the carrot juice they drink in Morocco, the Trader Joe's carrot juice is pretty good. It's not as sweet as the carrot juice in Morocco, but that's a good thing!

It is good carrot juice! We got a Vitamix last Ramadan though, and sometimes I wonder if my husband likes that juicer more than he likes me, the way he goes on about it.

[CKS_ALG 0]

My husband went through this but as they get older they understand it is more beneficial for both of you to stay in the US. You guys can always look forward to fun vacations back to his country every year if possible. He was homesick for about 2 years though but again, eventually he went back to his country and was like ....America is my home now