private investigators

[ya falaha! 0]

Well actually I don't speak the language fluently. I understand more than I speak it. Anyways...if you stay with the family and something's not right you'll catch on...whether it's said in Arabic or English.

[noura 0]

I had a couple of back-up plans, however, I had met Said in person first, then developed our relationship more online. Still, never having been to his country, knowing only him for the most part... I had ppl in place to assist me however I needed it. **I knew in my heart this would not be necessary, but I had to make sure I covered my azz, just in case.... so many ppl were so worried abt me going there. All the usual comments (ie: Have you seen "Not w/o my Daughter? ) So glad I went, twice in fact, would go again in a heartbeat - hope to.

[doodlebug 3]

well it may just be a non issue now.

Is it a full moon or something or are some of us on vj just cursed???

I just spoke to him after two days of nothing because of his dad and now he wants me to move there with my daughters. Says it so matter of factly too like "this is the way it will be.........you will move here with your daughters..."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'll get right on that. Lemme call my ex and seal the deal eh?

Ugh. The tears just keep on a rollin'. Luckily I can eat now though. lol.

He is the only son and his sisters are 21 and 25 and it will bring "great shame" for him to come to the US and leave them. BUT...he CANNOT and WILL NOT leave me so "get that out of your head and do not think about this thing because it will all be ok"

Do they have magic lanterns there with Genies that I don't know about 'cause this ain't lookin 'so hot from my end.

Ok enough of that. I'm off to drown my sorrows in my leftover Carvel birthday cake from a week and a half ago.

[chris4336 3]

Doodlebug - hope the cake cheers you up.

My fiancee has said stuff like this to me in the past, and I totally feel your pain. It was hard to deal with the guilt, but I knew deep down it was better for me, for us, and for our future family to live in the US. A lot of the VJers gave me the advice that MENA men tend to think a lot with their hearts - and especially in emotional situations don't always make the best decisions in terms of their future interests. There is also that "pride" factor that we all know and love.

Hopefully when you both are a bit calmer you can discuss what is the best solution for your relationship and both of your families

[morocco4ever 63]

well it may just be a non issue now.

Is it a full moon or something or are some of us on vj just cursed???

I just spoke to him after two days of nothing because of his dad and now he wants me to move there with my daughters. Says it so matter of factly too like "this is the way it will be.........you will move here with your daughters..."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'll get right on that. Lemme call my ex and seal the deal eh?

Ugh. The tears just keep on a rollin'. Luckily I can eat now though. lol.

He is the only son and his sisters are 21 and 25 and it will bring "great shame" for him to come to the US and leave them. BUT...he CANNOT and WILL NOT leave me so "get that out of your head and do not think about this thing because it will all be ok"

Do they have magic lanterns there with Genies that I don't know about 'cause this ain't lookin 'so hot from my end.

Ok enough of that. I'm off to drown my sorrows in my leftover Carvel birthday cake from a week and a half ago.

Awww bless him. He is going through a really tough time and he wants you next to him. He feels alone. Its that simple. When he gets his head back on straight he will realize that you are working together for a better future.

I can't tell you how many times my husband has told me to forget this visa and move there. Of course this always comes at emotional times, and once he has had time to think it through (after much dragging of feet by me) then he agrees to be more patient and at least wait to see if he is denied. I had to promise him that if he gets denied again I will move there I hope that doesn't happen, I have so much to lose here.

Oh yeah, back to topic. I shamelessly played games with him at the start of our relationship (yes JP, I was acting like a teenager...lol). By the time I went there I had no doubts in my mind about who he was and what I wanted. He turned out to be exactly the man I thought he was. Two years of marriage now and he is still my same little mischevious pain in the A$$.

[MrsAmera 41]

doodlebug --- I hear ya hun. My husband is the youngest boy of 9 kids. 2 of his brothers are living out of Morocco, one here in the US and one in Italy. He was at home taking care of his mom and 6 sisters and the thought of him leaving made both him and his mom sick. She threw a fit (and I still don't think she really "likes" me) about him coming here because his brother who came didn't go back for 9 years (immigration stuff). I assured her this would not be the case. Our visa took 8 months to work out from start to finish and there were a lot of times I wanted to give up, as did he. But he really looked at it objectively. I have a son who is 2 1/2 and while Youssef is his father he is not his biological father. Taking my son out of the country was not a problem as I have full custody (his biological father has never seen him), however Youssef and I knew if we tried to move him there it might start a ruckus. We also both realized that we would want him and our subsequent children to attend private schools and knew that even though I have a BA, we could not make enough money there at the time to afford the lifestyle we wanted for us, support his family and our children. I could get a job making roughly $1000 a month however for him it would not be so easy. (We're thinking now that he speaks English quite fluently he will have much better prospects - but he wants to get some kind of degree). Anyway to make a long story short (sorta) - urge your habibi to think about the long run -- don't rule out the possibility of returning there to live. I've always told Youssef that I would rather be without him, than be here with him unhappy and sick all the time. It hurts me much more to see him that way then to be alone. Someone on VJ told me once "I realized that for the rest of our lives one of us is going to be homesick" and it's true. Your husband and you will be able to have a much better quality life here than you could imagine there - and once he has lived here, has good language skills, perhaps furthers his education and you can save money not only will he be able to help his family there but it makes the prospect of returning much more feesable.

I know you wrote about a PI -- I just want to suggest you do take your girls there to meet him. Not the first time certainly but I would really really highly suggest trying very hard to make it possible to return with them for an extended period of time (maybe in the summer). I know how hard custody arrangements are but I truly feel it was invaluable for us. Obviously I think you should go first, get your bearings and make arrangements and maybe when you go with them make it more of a vacation then "hey we're going to stay with your new dad" (i'm assuming they are older). For me, how Youssef was with Mikhail (my son) was of the utmost importance. I knew that if we didn't make it work there then there was no sense in going forward with the immigration stuff because once he got here it wouldn't work and my son always came first. When there is a computer between you it's easy to get along and work as a family unit but when you're all living together it's a whole other story as I'm sure you know. Allowing them to meet him and vice versa as well as you seeing how everyone gels is important (plus it's awesome proof at the interview!). Ok I'm done with the chat for now but that's just my thoughts.

Edited October 7, 2006 by AmeraMouttaki

[Together4ever 1]

well it may just be a non issue now.

Is it a full moon or something or are some of us on vj just cursed???

I just spoke to him after two days of nothing because of his dad and now he wants me to move there with my daughters. Says it so matter of factly too like "this is the way it will be.........you will move here with your daughters..."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I'll get right on that. Lemme call my ex and seal the deal eh?

Ugh. The tears just keep on a rollin'. Luckily I can eat now though. lol.

He is the only son and his sisters are 21 and 25 and it will bring "great shame" for him to come to the US and leave them. BUT...he CANNOT and WILL NOT leave me so "get that out of your head and do not think about this thing because it will all be ok"

Do they have magic lanterns there with Genies that I don't know about 'cause this ain't lookin 'so hot from my end.

Ok enough of that. I'm off to drown my sorrows in my leftover Carvel birthday cake from a week and a half ago.

I'm responding to this without reading the other responses, so if I duplicate I'm sorry. I understand his position culturally. However, he must understand your's as well. Your ex has a right to see his children too and he could make it difficult for you to take the children out of the country. Seems to be kind of a stalemate actually. Did you consider suggesting he come here with the possibility of bringing his sisters? I don't know the particulars of this or if this is something that's difficult to do. This is something we are discussing about Moh's youngest sister. We would like to bring her to join us after a few years if she is sure she wants to do it. I love her like my own daughter and their mother has passed and I think she is wanting that security again. We were very close. Well, I'm rambling. The other thing I want to say, if your man is like mine he has tangents. He can be very empassioned about something and a week later he has no problem seeing a new perspective. I'm sure right now he is feeling confused, anxious and overwhelmed with what the heck he's going to do. He's standing so firm because its probably the only security he can get for the time being. It sucks to lose a parent much less all that added responsibility. I guess what I'm getting at is this... take him with a grain of salt right now. Let things settle. Don't engage your own emotions too much if you can avoid it. It will help you get through it and see things more clearly. I think after some time has passed he'll be more receptive to looking at all possible options.

Hugs for your tears, although I'm sure they've long dried. I know its a scary feeling when they pull the 'tude but its going to settle down.

[doodlebug 3]

Thanks.

You know about a week after I took my shahada we both took Istikharah and gave it up to Allah. We were having problems similar to this and decided to give it a three day break. At the end of those three days we were both such a wreck and knew in our guts that this was true. I still feel this way and so does he. The thought of not being with him and instead being with someone else makes my stomach turn literally.

I won't be talking to him for another two or three days now because they have to vacate their father's place, since it was from the gov't to the father, and find a new place to live in a place called el Matarya, which is about 30 minutes from where they are. I don't know how the heck they're gonna move all of their stuff since no one has a car but I can't worry about everything or I'll be no good to anyone. They have 3rd cousins there so that will be good since now they have no mother and no father.

Ok.....I'm going to do what any self-respecting American girl does in these situations.

I'll check in here when I get back from the mall.

Thanks everyone!!!

[Together4ever 1]

One thing I know about Egyptians. They always manage. Always. (well it seems to be a human trait really) He will be ok. I know that probably doesn't give you much comfort. I tend to worry myself sick over things I can't do anything about. I think its the helpless feeling that really tears you up.

I once asked myself a question... and the reality of the answer made all decisions for me, asked or yet unasked. I was in a mood for cold cruel self-honesty.

I asked, "Can I be with another man and be just as content?"

That little wee voice replied sternly, "No. This is not about being with A Man."

I sat with that quietly and examined it for honesty. I'm foolish that way. Always second-guessing the little wee voice. There was absolutely no denying it. I know without doubt that should life ever lead me to a path empty of him, I will walk it alone because no one can fill his footsteps and I know I can lead my life just fine independently.

Don't misunderstand. This is no judgement call on you or your situation. Just me in my foolish way trying to "help".

It seems you've asked your wee little voice too. I hope you can find some peace today.

[noura 0]

attagirl!!! shop it out!