Need Help Ending It

[Neela & Jitu 79]

Totally disagree with you. He never really knew her, and she concealed information from him when he requested "no secrets."

Its up to you if you agree or not.Im not asking your opinion.There are much more Difference between Indian girls and Screwed up American girls you dated.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Neela & Jitu

[amyandjorge 76]

Agreed trust isn't something you should compromise on, and it is essential to a healthy relationship.

BUT it doesn't happen overnight. Saying, trust me and tell me everything doesn't automatically create trust, neither does the legal act of marriage. Especially if she knew that once she disclosed everything you would dump her.

Two sides to trust, and if she trusted me on the first night, I wouldn't trust her.

On the other hand, sounds like she is not adjusting well by her violent and manipulative tactics.

[troutcat 41]

You don't find it more than a little curious that her 'trust' in being able to tell her husband the truth just coincidentally followed getting that all-important GREEN CARD?!!

I do not find it curious, and yes, certainly that is one way to look at it. And if she says, "goodbye to you, buddy!" and walks out, then this may well have been a fraud. It just does not sound like that is what she is doing. It sounds like after moving halfway around the world and getting to know her husband through living with him, she may have actually come to believe what he was telling her: that truth brings partners closer together. And he said that when she told him part of the story, he told her that it was ok, everything was going to be ok, and so bit by bit, she told him more, and he kept telling her it was ok, that he just wanted the truth - until suddenly it was NOT ok, and he could not stand to hear it, and he cut her off.

It is sad that he may lose someone who was just beginning to trust him - his wife, because she did not play by rules which are not easily superimposed on an arranged marriage between people who live worlds apart. It seems that she need never have told him any of these things - if she just wanted to get away with a fraud, she had gotten away with it - he would not have known, and she would not have risked his leaving her. This may be a great gift, a good thing. I am also guessing that this would not be the first time ICE has heard from a husband whose wife did not tell him much about herself until well AFTER an arranged marriage, and that ICE sees that it is often fear, not fraud, that keeps many women in this situation silent until they have been in the US for a while with the new husband.

(of course, i am wrong not to address his actual question, which seems to have been about whether to nullify the marriage contract rather than. divorcing, either of which would have to be done in India, I presume.)

[james&olya 1,121]

Agreed trust isn't something you should compromise on, and it is essential to a healthy relationship.

BUT it doesn't happen overnight. Saying, trust me and tell me everything doesn't automatically create trust, neither does the legal act of marriage. Especially if she knew that once she disclosed everything you would dump her.

Two sides to trust, and if she trusted me on the first night, I wouldn't trust her.

On the other hand, sounds like she is not adjusting well by her violent and manipulative tactics.

Knowing he would dump her if she told the truth makes the lie even more egregious. She deliberately sought to deceive him in what is one of the most important issues/decisions one ever makes. If she didn't trust him why were they marrying?!! No matter how you spin it she does not deserve another chance!

[james&olya 1,121]

I do not find it curious, and yes, certainly that is one way to look at it. And if she says, "goodbye to you, buddy!" and walks out, then this may well have been a fraud. It just does not sound like that is what she is doing. It sounds like after moving halfway around the world and getting to know her husband through living with him, she may have actually come to believe what he was telling her: that truth brings partners closer together. And he said that when she told him part of the story, he told her that it was ok, everything was going to be ok, and so bit by bit, she told him more, and he kept telling her it was ok, that he just wanted the truth - until suddenly it was NOT ok, and he could not stand to hear it, and he cut her off.

It is sad that he may lose someone who was just beginning to trust him - his wife, because she did not play by rules which are not easily superimposed on an arranged marriage between people who live worlds apart. It seems that she need never have told him any of these things - if she just wanted to get away with a fraud, she had gotten away with it - he would not have known, and she would not have risked his leaving her. This may be a great gift, a good thing. I am also guessing that this would not be the first time ICE has heard from a husband whose wife did not tell him much about herself until well AFTER an arranged marriage, and that ICE sees that it is often fear, not fraud, that keeps many women in this situation silent until they have been in the US for a while with the new husband.

(of course, i am wrong not to address his actual question, which seems to have been about whether to nullify the marriage contract rather than. divorcing, either of which would have to be done in India, I presume.)

I think your spectacles have a tad too much red coloration to the lenses!!

My guess is that she thinks it is tactically advantageous to get him to file the divorce paperwork so that she can keep up the facade of poor little innocent miss that would NEVER engage in green card fraud, no NEVER!!

And he does NOT need to go to India to get a divorce or try for anullment! They live in the US so jurisdiction is here! Only a good lawyer can advise about possible anullment vs divorce.

[amyandjorge 76]

Knowing he would dump her if she told the truth makes the lie even more egregious. She deliberately sought to deceive him in what is one of the most important issues/decisions one ever makes. If she didn't trust him why were they marrying?!! No matter how you spin it she does not deserve another chance!

According to the OP it was an arranged marriage, so that's why they married. Nowhere does it say she sought to marry him or sought to obtain a GC. But you are right, perhaps they pushed for marriage too early. Bottom line, they are married, she is talking.

Why so bitter?

[james&olya 1,121]

According to the OP it was an arranged marriage, so that's why they married. Nowhere does it say she sought to marry him or sought to obtain a GC. But you are right, perhaps they pushed for marriage too early. Bottom line, they are married, she is talking.

Why so bitter?

Where do you find a basis to say I am bitter? You aren't projecting now, are you?

[Peter_Pan 661]

It was an arranged marriage, what did you expect?

If she had told her the truth and you wouldn't have married her, she would have been in huge trouble with her family.

Her only mistake, it seems, was trusting you.

By the way, why is everybody so quick to assume a GC is worth so many sacrifices? Unless it can give me 100 IQ points or eternal youth, a GC isn't worth all the sacrifices we put into getting there.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Peter_Pan

[james&olya 1,121]

It was an arranged marriage, what did you expect?

If she had told her the truth and you wouldn't have married her, she would have been in huge trouble with her family.

Her only mistake, it seems, was trusting you.

By the way, why is everybody so quick to assume a GC is worth so many sacrifices? Unless it can give me 100 IQ points or eternal youth, a GC isn't worth all the sacrifices we put into getting there.

So green card fraud does not occur?

[Peter_Pan 661]

What exactly raised that suspicion?

A woman that is ok with an arranged marriage isn't the type to make it on her own in a completely foreign country, is she?

[Xanax 349]

What exactly raised that suspicion?

A woman that is ok with an arranged marriage isn't the type to make it on her own in a completely foreign country, is she?

I'd have to agree with that, unless she has family or friends here?

[james&olya 1,121]

What exactly raised that suspicion?

A woman that is ok with an arranged marriage isn't the type to make it on her own in a completely foreign country, is she?

Why not? A lot of green card fraud involves schemes to get multiple family members here. You think that an arranged marriage precludes that?

What raises that suspicion has to do with timing of her 'revelations'! But you already knew that! Nobody is that dense!

[Adriene H 89]

She is a cheater and a lier, but her actions not necessarily make her a shammer.

And who exactly are we to judge?

She was having a relationship with another man. Nothing good can come from it, don't you see?!. You deserve better.

Which she claims she broke off before the wedding. Instead of us jumping to conclusions here, perhaps we could give it a rational thought?

There is NOTHING rational about drinking bleach.

This woman, just from hearing of this one action,

is missing more than a few nuts in the head by

threatening to take her own life. She is CRAZY.

Next time she threatens to end her life, call

911 ... at least the cops will take her away

for 72 hours.

[tany1157 161]

Golly, what harsh responses. It sounds more like you are seeking relationship advice rather than immigration advice. She has immigrated with you, yes? That part is done, for now, until she must remove conditions, which she technically can do with or without you.

We are few of us without things we would not tell a near-stranger. Your wife was married to you, a near stranger from what you have said, in an arranged marriage. You told her what you value is truth, and she married you and moved halfway around the world. It may be that once she knew you long enough to think she could trust you with her truths, she told them to you - an act she may have thought would bring you closer, given that you told her a husband and wife can be open with one another, and also perhaps because now, thousands of miles away from her family, she may have felt SAFE telling you these things - and now you find that you cannot bear her truths. It might help you to sort out what is it that bothers you, that she had an affair before she knew you, that she had an abortion before she knew you, or that she did not tell you about these things on your schedule? If your ego gets in the way of your love and compassion, you may lose someone who was just beginning to trust you - your wife. It seems that she need never have told you any of these things - you would not have known, and she would not have risked you leaving her. If you divorce her here, what skills does she have to get on with her life alone? Is she a professional? Does she have sound job skills? Or are you contemplating her returning to her family as a disgraced divorcee whose husband left her because she was not a virgin when she married him? She risked a great deal to be honest with you - she must have grown to trust you since you got married. This may be a great gift, a good thing.

She may have gotten to know you just enough since you have been together for some small time now to have trusted you enough to tell you. Perhaps you can trust her enough to believe that there must be something she values in her relationship with you very much to open up to you now and in this way, since it appears she has much to loose if you leave her. She took a risk in telling you her truth, perhaps you can respect her for doing so, since truth is what you said you wanted to build on.

Marrying you in an arranged marriage, at the urging of relatives, does not sound like green card fraud. It sounds like traditional arranged marriage, approved by the family, and entered into with the honest hope of success. It may be that once you get over your shock, you will see something of great value has grown in your marriage. I just don't believe that someone perpetrating a fraud would have told you this at this time.

wow, I was all for "he should leave this lady", but you made an incredible point. We can't look at this as two people who fell in love and decided to get married. It was arranged. The one thing I was upset about, was the OP has a point about her breaking up with her bf just 2 days before marriage. That has GOT to hurt. He is right, nobody can get over anyone in just 2 days. While you make a great point, I also don't think he needs to sacrifice his beliefs and happiness just to protect her from her own web she weaved herself. Maybe she did trust him enough at this point, but threatening the suicide thing?? That is emotional blackmail. You can't force someone to stay with you because you threaten to hurt yourself. Actually, you should notify a family member you trust, and probably get her to a hospital for some evaluations. Suicide is not to be taken lightly. OP, I wish you good luck, I don't know what I would do in your situation. Maybe give it some time. What I do know is, she sounds a bit unstable if she is threatening suicide. If things go down hill from here, I would not spend ANY time alone with her, for she could later say you were abusing her or something. Protect yourself, and I hope you can find clarity.

Also, getting him to divorce her would probably look better for her because if it was the other way, she would be in trouble with her family. I think I will stick with my original thought, I'm not sure much good can come from this

Edited March 20, 2012 by tany1157

[Shoot Em Straight 385]

Sorry for your problems and I hope you can figure them out...as a woman, in a wonderful, God willed, mutually trusting relationship here is my 2 cents..

So here is the story. I meet my wife last year in India via relatives

Your relatives or hers? If it was hers...they could have known already of the affair the young lady was having with a married man and the out of wedlock abortion...This maybe was an arranged marriage for alternative motives other than your and her happiness? IF it were your relatives they needed to do more investigating for their son, brother etc...dont know what happened there?

Two or Three days after we got the GC and SSN she told me about her affair before marriage.

In her defense, I dont blame her. Whether it was originally fraud or not...you wrote it yourself...if you had known you would not have married her. She is now in a foreign country completely relying on you as her husband and provider. Do I like this? No. I am one of the many wives still awaiting for my husband to "MAYBE" be approved and it hurts me to read of possible fraud in using the Spousal Visa to live in the U.S.

A day later she tells me that she broke up with her ex-boyfriend 2 days before our marriage!

Huh? Two days before my marriage I was planning things but not on this level. Do we have all the correct paperwork for the courthouse? What I will wear for his eyes to see me, how will my name sound from his mouth as his wife, make sure I have photos to send to the family that could not be there...Not ending a secretive relationship with a married man that almost bore a child in order to marry and give myself to another man.

A day later she tells me that she had an abortion before marriage!

You answered this one yourself..."I am upset and i can forgive her no more. I feel as if i have been cheated; she has been dishonest with me and has broke my trust and heart."

She then threatened to commit suicide if i left her. She even ran to the bathroom and tried to drink some bleach; i stopped her.

Even if you do eventually find forgiveness and this IS the extent of what she has hidden from you....Can you see this woman birthing and eventually raising your children? Would it be fair to them to have this type of instability as a parent? Maybe she is young and (what someone quoted) dramatic Indian girl, but you need to think if you are willing to accept all this from your wife and life long partner.

Honesty to God and then oneself is first. Can she be the wife and mother of your future children that you will rely on? Do you think she has this in her to change and grow? Do you have it in you to accept her as she is?

If it were me...I would end it. Trust is everything for me...and Thank GOD, my partner too.

I would look into an annulment..if there are just grounds for one. If there are not, I would divorce. There was enough effort made on one persons part...with emotions, trust, time and finance. Enough. Life is too short to try to make someone into something they are not. You asked for truth and honesty and in the few sentences you wrote here you got just the opposite in a mate.

And yes I would make a report of why I am ending my marriage to the authorities and let them figure out if it is fraud or not. You petitioned her here on good faith and it should be known you question her intentions with these revelations 3 days after the GC and SNN was approved.

Good Luck to you!!!!