complex feeling

[lostgirl79 0]

To many people, maybe it’s not that hard to get out of my kind of trouble, but I stuck in it and cannot walk out. I thought I was an optimistic person before. Now, I really doubt it.

I’ve been here for almost two years and have had a wonderful life with my husband until few days ago. He has two sons. We got along well even if sometimes they made some mistakes or did something made me unhappy, but all just last several minutes. Then, we all went back like nothing happened. We laughed together and had a lot of fun together. So, I thought I was really very lucky - found a nice man and had two step-sons. I told my parents about this and they were both happy for me.

This Monday, my mom got here because my due date is getting close, maybe a week or two. The bad thing happened right after she got here. One night, the boys were having dinner with us. One of the boys asked me how to say “######” in Chinese. My husband and I were both shocked. I told them we didn’t have this word in Chinese. After that, my husband talked with their mom and her boyfriend for a reason why let the boys ask me that. It turns out that I taught them how to speak “shut up” in Chinese. And their mom yelled at my husband. Every time she wants to talk with my husband, she's just screaming or yelling, and this is the original reason pissed me off.

If they thought it’s inappropriate and talked with me before they taught the boys (9 and 11 years old)the word ######, I would feel sorry. I didn’t have a kid before. Also, the word I told them in Chinese is not that bad as “shut up”. So, I didn’t realize it’s not appropriate and I didn’t know how Americans would take this either. The most important thing is after I told them the word, their dad and I made it very clear that they should say this word to people especially to their mom. Until then, I was still not upset. I just thought about how to solve the problem and don’t hurt the boys.

I think since the cultural difference, my husband didn’t agree all of my suggestions because he thinks if I did that, the boys’ mom will cause more trouble for him. After we discussed for a while, we started to argue and our problem seemed get worse and worse. My mom saw that and thought it’s totally different than what I’ve told them before, and she couldn’t communicate with my husband because she doesn’t know English. Then she started to cry because she felt I was treated unfairly and my husband obviously stood on his two sons’ side. She traditionally thinks I shouldn’t being upset before my labor and my husband also knows this, so he shouldn’t do this to me at this time. My mom said she wanted to go back to China right now because she also thought maybe she’s one of the reasons too. She cried so sad and it made me cried. My husband wanted to comfort my mom and I pushed him away. Later I said sorry for him for this.

I don’t want my mom and my husband being unhappy all the time because it hurts me a lot. So, I told him I would let it go and accept everything, let’s go back to like before. He said he didn’t want me to do that because I just simply accept it but I’m not happy. I understand he worried about me too. However, I feel like I am lost. I don’t know I should go left or right. Also, I don’t really know how to face the boys. So, every time I think of this, I am so sad and cried a lot. This morning, I thought I was okay. But this afternoon, when I got home, I started to cry again when I think of this. I cannot cry in front of mom. So, I have to try hard to control myself. But I really don’t feel good.

I hope after I wrote this out I will feel better. And thanks for anyone who read this.

[Orando 57]

Thanks for sharing. Out of the posts I have read on VJ about relationship issues, you, your husband and your family can get through this. Sounds like a lot of communication issues and you are pregnant about to give birth! Congratulations on your child, I hope you have a safe and successful delivery! Sounds like there is a lot of love and respect in your family mixed with some communication/cultural issues. Your husband seems to care for you and he seems to have a tough go at it with the mother of his children. Plus your mom being there, losts of factors at play. Sounds like the mother of your husband's children may resent you a little. So the kid can say the bad word in English but the Chinese translation is blasphemy for the mom and the child should not be taught the translation. The way you all instructed the children that this word should be used carefully and in a respectful manner was good, they are young and they should be instructed in this way, especially since they already know the word in English. There could be disagreements about teaching the children translations of bad words, but they already know the bad word in English. At least now they can recognize the bad word in Chinese. But kids will be kids and they may curse each other with the bad chinese word. I feel good about your situation, hang in there lady.

Edited March 17, 2012 by Orando

[Golden Gate 530]

You are very emotional because of the pregnancy. Just try to take things easy and not worry about things too much. When it comes in your head, don't think about it. Now is not the time to be trying to solve issues, but a time to take care of yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy

[jojolicious 38]

You are very emotional because of the pregnancy. Just try to take things easy and not worry about things too much. When it comes in your head, don't think about it. Now is not the time to be trying to solve issues, but a time to take care of yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy

I completely agree with this poster. OP your issues can be worked out with a little more communication and perhaps you will find that your mind will be a bit clearer after delivery.

Think about it... you have been here almost two years and so far you've been having a wonderful life for the most part...

You'll be fine I wish you all the best for your labour and delivery

[lostgirl79 0]

Thanks for the replies. My husband sent the boys to his brothers home last night and gave me some time to calm down. I appreciate that and I feel much better now. Your words did help me think through this and I agree there's a lot of communication issue especially between my husband and the boys' mom since she never had a real talk with my husband. She always try to bring some trouble to my husband. For example, she and her boyfriend can take the boys go hunting, but the boys playing shooting games at our place is wrong because she said that's bloody. I wonder it's not bloody when they are hunting. I remember the younger one told us about how they kill the goose and took of its skin. I feel sorry for the boys because they had a terrible mom. She doesn't know how to cook and always feed the boys gas station breakfast and fast food dinner. She took sides with her boyfriend's two daughters no matter who - those two girls or her two boys - made a mistake. She forces the boys to do what she wants them to do in stead of what the boys want to do, etc.

I also think she's a racist to some extent. For example, She said the boys cannot learn other language and if they insist to learn one, then they can learn some Spanish because of their dad. And I guess that's why the boys can use bad words in English and cannot say that in Chinese. I didn't think of this at first and now I think maybe it's a reason.

Thanks again. I feel much much better. I'll take care of myself and wait for my baby's coming.